A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey,I'm writing this partly to get it off my chest and partly because I need to change something about this situation, even if it's just my way of thinking about it. 5 years ago I was single, much more stupid than I am now, and met a brilliant guy (let's call him Ben). I'd had a this very shallow, but very intense crush on someone else (let's call him Jake) for about a year. Both guys seemed interested in me, and I didn't know either very well. As I'd had a crush on Jake for ages and he was so keen, I thought that I'd regret not acting on it - so we hooked up, and after seeing each other a while we ended up in a relationship. Ben was nicer, more grown up, and a lot less full-on - and seemed very upset when I went with Jake but didn't hold it against either of us. A few weeks later he started a relationship of his own and I thought everything was going great.In some kind of ironic twist, Jake became best friends with Ben, and the four of us would hang out regularly. The cracks in our very poorly-founded relationship started to show, and I found more and more common ground with Ben. Our sense of humour was almost identical, our interests, our approaches to everything. I started to realise that I'd made a terrible mistake. He was always very respectful of his girlfriend and has never done anything concrete to suggest it, but I think he wishes things were different too. After getting to know each other better, we have undeniably incredible chemistry and tons in common - to the point where sometimes it would be so glaringly obvious, it would feel awkward around our partners. I spent years trying to ignore it and get over it, and I figured that at some point I would. I didn't tell anyone as I was appalled at myself and didn't think anything good could come of it.Jake and I broke up around 2 years ago, and we're all still friends. Ben and his girlfriend have been going out now for 5 years and live together, and my honest feeling about them is that they're great companions - but I don't think they're in love or have many romantic feelings there. This could be because I just don't want to believe it, but they're very different - albeit lovely - people. They've never had a very flirty manner around each other but obviously care about each other a lot. It just seems very platonic.We are all in the same friendship circle and whenever I see Ben there is more of the chemistry than ever. It just feels right to be with him, and I've never met anyone since who has made me feel like that. On the rare occasions we are alone together we can talk for hours, but when he;s with his girlfriend he politely avoids me. I've been doing my best to ignore it, but recently one of my friends asked unprompted what was going on there and said that he clearly really liked me, and that we should just hurry up and get together. I haven't been able to get it out of my head since, partly not helped by the genuine belief that we'd make each other very happy.If it were up to me we would because probably I'm a bit more selfish, but I think he is so nice and cares about his girlfriend so much - and was rejected by me once before so may not think I even feel that way - that he won't do anything about it. Also of course he is best friends with my ex. I think if I just came out and said it, he would feel horribly awkward. It's driving me crazy and the thought of never knowing feels awful - this has been going on for years. I know this is a terrible thing to think about someone who is in a relationship and I'm aware it's not nice for his girlfriend. Should I just get over it? Any tips on how to do that? Should I try and make something happen? Feel free to tell me that it's a terrible idea. Thanks for reading and I appreciate any thoughts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2018): You have a lot of good advice here, so I won’t repeat anything, I think the other aunts and uncles have said it well.I’m just going to add that even if you think you and he have great chemistry together, I wouldn’t assume anything about him and his current girlfriend. I’ve noticed that there are some couples where you really don’t know about what goes on behind closed doors, meaning there are surprisingly strongly bonded couples. There are couples that seem to not be all that interested in each other in public but when push comes to shove they are fiercely loyal. I’ve come across couples where it seems, for example, the guy would cheat, but instead he’ll get very assertive towards protecting his family/relationship circle. Some individuals are also dynamic and social so they have chemistry with many people, so you might misunderstand flirting or the strength of your chemistry with that person, only to find that they are fiercely loyal to their partners. My point is that it’s almost dangerous and too presumptuous to ever think that you’d be a better partner or fit with someone because you don’t know what how the couple interacts when alone or throughout the span of time. Unless he breaks up with his gf, I would not assume anything. (Notice I said if he “breaks up with her,” then go for it. If he’s trying to get with you while still with her, I would walk away from that because that’s a huge character flaw.)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2018): I think you're at a low point in your life. Or you're feeling bad about yourself. And you're fantasizing about this guy. As a crutch/escape. He won't solve anything. You must look within yourself to understand WHY you are obsessing. It's time to seek out other friends/interests. Start your life over. Rebuild. Leave him in the past. That ship sailed long ago.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2018): The couple involved aren't married. Everyone responding here is acting as if they are, and trying to make you feel ashamed of your feelings, including by even bringing in religious overtones - we're not here to be given religious instruction!I don't think you should feel at all ashamed of your feelings, they are natural and completely understandable.There are countless stories of people ending up marrying the wrong person and, years and years later, finally getting to be with the person they wanted all along.You made a mistake when younger and chose the wrong person - so what? We all do it - it's not like you've murdered someone. So you are a little bit selfish - aren't we all?I personally would not break up this couple deliberately. And it may be that this man that you crave is simply not 'manly' enough to have fought for you in the first place - he's gone for a safe option, but many men would have simply gotten over not being your first choice, and would have somehow fought back to gain your attention and get together with you. If he himself wants to stay in that same position then I think it will be best to respect that, but I also don't think you should feel ashamed for just thinking about what it would be like to be with him - you haven't acted on it.But I do wonder if you are drawn to unavailable men. The guy that you did opt for may have been emotionally unavailable and more of the 'dangerous' type of guy and this may have attracted you. Now that this other guy is unavailable it is causing you to crave him. Lots of people who are drawn to unavailable people have low self esteem underneath, and they get 'triggered' by feelings such as rejection or not being the favourite - this triggers the low self esteem and generates actions to try to overcome the feeling of rejection or not being favoured. Ironically, the feeling of rejection can still be put in place even if you were originally the one doing the rejecting. I'd really take a closer look at your own motives - not to make you feel ashamed of them, just to understand how they work. Your analysis of his relationship may actually be 'spot on', but the point is that he himself may not have the gumption to change anything - if you then take a leading role in encouraging him, you will definitely be seen as the trouble maker and you will end up emasculating him - if he was showing very definite signs of interest eg. splitting up with his girlfriend, then obviously you needn't hesitate to act.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (31 July 2018):
 Yes, of course it is a terrible idea. It is a terrible idea for everyone involved in this threesome.
It is a terrible idea for this guy's girlfriend of 5 years, who chose more wisely than you did and who has made him happy for 5 years (don't kid yourself that he would be with her for any other reason and don't presume to know what goes on in other people's relationships). It is a terrible idea for HIM because, as you yourself have said, if you did anything about it, it would make for a very awkward situation between you. And it is a terrible idea for you because, if you did anything about it, it would either backfire on you and the guy would reject you (he sounds like he has morals), or it would break up a couple in your circle of friends and others would inevitably see YOU as the baddie in the situation. You would probably, at best, lose a number of friends and, at worst, be excluded completely from the circle.
You make a lot of assumptions in your post which I think you need to realize are exactly that - assumptions and not facts. You ASSUME the couple are not really happy together because you do not see them being lovely dovey with each other in public. Many people are not comfortable with that sort of exhibitionism and prefer to leave the touchy feely behaviour for private time. You ASSUME he still fancies you because you get on well as friends when you are together. You ASSUME you would make each other happy if you were in a relationship - but he KNOWS he is happy with his girlfriend so why would he risk hurting her to get involved with you?
There is absolutely no guarantee that, if you HAD chosen this guy 5 years ago, your relationship would have worked out. Just because he has had a long relationship with another girl does not mean YOUR relationship would have been happy. It takes TWO to make a relationship work. You flirt and put a lot of effort in with him because he is NOT in a relationship with you and you want him to see what he is missing. You really need to stop that - for EVERYONE's sake, most importantly for your own.
My advice would be to try to distance yourself from this man until you find someone else to fill the void your ex has left in your life. Find new interests, make new friends, stop spending so much time around him. IF he wants to be with you, he knows where you are. It is plain he is no longer interested, otherwise he would have ended his relationship when you became free and would have asked you out again. You need to look elsewhere for your happiness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2018): You need to get out there, meet new people and stop with this ever decreasing circle attitude. My boyfriend is not lovey dovey in public but in private he is, you have no idea what they are like behind closed doors. If he wanted to be with you he would have split up with his girlfriend to make way to be with you when you split up with your boyfriend two years ago.Leave him and his girlfriend alone, I don't believe in 'We couldn't help ourselves' YOU CAN and you're a grown woman, keep your morals high and stop looking at life through rose tinted glasses.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2018): It's driving you crazy? So what? That friend who tells you to get together with Ben is a trouble-maker, and an instigator. Pushing people together to encourage cheating says that is a bottom-dweller for sure! What a snake!
That's the kind of person who observes something; and adds their poison to it to cause drama. You're the one he/she sees after Ben; but he/she is playing you against yourself for their own amusement. That "friend" knows you want him!
Women easily see through each other. If the friend notices; so will Ben's girlfriend. So cut it out!
So tell us, what gives you the right to assess Ben's relationship with his girlfriend? Your obviously biased-opinion that they don't seem to be flirty enough with each other for you, holds no water. Envy distorts perceptions, and bends the facts. It's toxic and leads to schemes.
You covet Ben's affections. You subconsciously, or consciously, wish to destroy his relationship; because you regret the fact he found someone else, while your choice failed. There were angels surrounding Ben; and pulling him away from you. They pushed him towards someone better for him. They pulled you from him; because there is someone else better for you. It just wasn't Jake. Divine-intervention prevailed.
Stop flirting with Ben behind his girlfriend's back. There is no chemistry; it's all the benefit of knowing a fine person and a good friend. It's wishful-thinking. You're tainting everything with your selfish-desire to take someone that was never meant for you; and you're being two-faced with his girlfriend. Pretending to be her friend; while wanting her man. Such shameless audacity!
Clear your head. It just wasn't mean to be. If you have to destroy something good to get something, the consequence of such destruction is that it will not workout. You can't go against some things in life; because there are forces that control our destinies that we can't alter. You might find it hard to believe; but there is someone out there making his way to you that you will find even better than Ben. Just make sure you are fit and deserving. Your regret is only due to failure, not because you care for him so much.
You had the opportunity; but you don't get to go back after you make a bad-choice. Attempting to correct it; at the cost of hurting people, and destroying something good. Ill-gotten gains are nothing but stolen-property. It's not yours; and never truly will be, in spite of possessing it.
Stay in the friend-zone with Ben; or get out of the way of his relationship. Keep your conniving flirtations and off-to-the-side conversations to yourself. Your subtle manipulations are beneath you; and the course set for the great-guy heading your way will be shifted. Averted, because you have devious plans in your heart; and that's undeserving of such a blessing. It taints your character.
Don't be the kind of woman who smiles in the face of others, while wishing to steal something or someone they have. Face the way things turned-out; and don't let such things fill your mind and twist your thoughts.
Perhaps that is why Ben slipped through your fingers.
Maybe he doesn't deserve someone who would think or be like that.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (30 July 2018):
 Terrible idea.
Would you like some girl to be trying to ‘Make something happen’ with your BF of 5 years?
You had you choice of who to pick and you chose the ‘wrong’ one. Who’s to say a relationship would work even if you were together? If you can’t deal with your feelings then you need to distance yourself from Ben. Leave him and his relationship alone.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 July 2018):
 Yes, it's a terrible idea.
It's not up to you to decide how Ben's relationship is and if it's platonic or romantic. You're being very judgmental of him and his girlfriend and just because you want what you can't have gives you no et to spoil someone else's (Ben's partner's) life.
I think you need new friends. And stop being over- friendly with Ben and flirting with him when you get the chance. That's just very immature of you and very disrespectful to his girlfriend.
Just because he asked you out once doesn't mean he's still interested in you.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (30 July 2018):
 Sad story, old story, bring out the band.
You have done what so many women have done throughout time, the story is etched in the stone of time. You had the fortune to have 2 men interested in you. You predictably chose the more exciting, but shallow, bad boy, Leaving the mature stable nice guy as your plan B. As so often happens Mr. boring but nicer, became disgusted at your playing and found a better match. You maintained friendships with both bad boy and mr nice, because you like to keep yourself surrounded by admirers.
Now you know deep in your envious heart that you are a better girlfriend than mrs nice. The reason for this is that you have the qualities that you desire. The same qualities that drew you to bad boy. Yes, his qualities that even you rejected eventually. So you see Mr. Nice is not interested in you. If you decide to play the home wrecker to get his interest, he will be even more disgusted by you.
You have no real place in your group of friends. You have rejected both men and are now dismissing the woman. It is time for you to Move on. As you do it would be wise to remember that bad boys weren't that good for you, and that stability is becoming more important to you than excitement.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 July 2018):
 You know, he has a GF of 5 years, right?
So he is probably WITH her because he CARE about her. Not everyone feels the need to "flirt" or "PDA" in front of others to show them that they are lovey dovey. People show and experience a loving relationship in different ways.
I think you have made Ben into a fantasy character. He is the guy that "could" have worked when your "choice" Jake didn't. There no no way of know how well you would actually work as a couple. However, OBVIOUSLY the GF he has IS working out for him.
And having talks with you when the GF isn't there is kind of what friends do... And when she is there HE puts his focus on his GF, not another woman. Which shows he knows social boundaries.
And yes, the man may like you, but not enough to jeopardize his current relationship and not enough to risk being rejected again.
So YES, if I were you I'd move on. I'd look elsewhere for someone who can be a good fit. After all, you NOW know what you are looking for as far as qualities.
I DON'T think you should "try" and make things happen. Not only is it disrespectful to HIM, his GF but also to yourself and my guess is... it would fall flat. But if we for a minute entertain the idea that you can "seduce" or charm him... WHILE he has a long term GF... HOW would you EVER trust the he wouldn't cheat on you too? And how would he EVER be able to trust you? Someone who is willing to BREAK up or HOPE to break up another relationship? When you CHOSE Jake, Ben stepped away RESPECTFULLY - so why should you now "try for it" with him?
Maybe what you need to do is take some small break from socializing around him so much. Get your head out of the "Ben is perfect for me cloud". Met new people.
You had your chance with Ben and you chose someone else. You made that choice for a reason. Looking back and saying OH he would have been BETTER for me than Jake, well... sucks. But also it's unrealistic. You might not have worked out any more with Ben than you did with Jake. In your mind, sure he is perfect... doesn't mean he is perfect for you. Or... that you are perfect for him.
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