A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so as a bit of background, I was in a relationship for almost 6 years that ended a couple of years ago now. The relationship was a controlling one, and without going into too much detail, he basically manipulated me into giving up many of my friends whilst we were together. He basically hated me seeing any friends he felt were good looking, claiming it was because he’d been cheated on by his last gf who had been led astray by her hot friends.Looking back I know it sounds ridiculous, but at the time I felt bad for him and wanted to reassure him I wasn’t like his ex. So I slowly stopped talking to many of my friends.This got worse and worse until I barely saw anyone but him and the couple of friends he approved of, until I eventually managed to break free.And I was a complete mess when it ended. I had no confidence and was basically a shell of the person I used to be. So it’s taken me a couple of years to get back to feeling semi back to normal (still a way to go really but I’m getting there). And now I’ve started thinking I’d like to reach back out to my old friends again, but I’m not sure how to go about it.I didn’t want to blame my boyfriend at the time, so I guess to them I faded away with no warning, which I know hurt a few of them. I’d really like to apologise and try to make amends if they’ll let me, but I’m not sure how much detail to go into when I reach out to them.I feel if I keep it generic and simply ask how they are, they’ll probably ignore me (and I don’t blame them). But I’m also scared if I try to explain everything, I’ll be hitting them with loads of heavy chat after such a long time which might also put them off. Plus I don’t want it to read like an excuse as I know it was ultimately my decision to cut ties with everyone for my bf.Any advice on the best way to approach this would be much appreciated. And also I was thinking the best way to make contact would be to write to them, but I’m happy to hear any other thoughts on that...Thanks in advance all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2018): I posted earlier - forgot to say I would NOT recommend writing to any of your old friends.I say this as someone who used to love writing and would always choose to write something and give it to people, rather than say it personally.What I found was that other people often found it weird to receive something in writing, rather than talking to them in person. People really, really appreciate that you have taken the time and guts to talk to them personally and value this much more. This is, obviously, not including things like special letters to tell a partner how much you love them, or to write a special thank you note.I also realised I lacked confidence and feared rejection and that writing was a way of shielding myself against this possibility. Ironically, if people don't trust you or have been hurt by you, they can see writing as lacking in spontaneity, and as being a manipulated way of communicating. It is very 'one way', whereas a conversation is two way, and will encourage them to feel more like you value them.Also - very importantly - you really don't want any writing getting into the wrong hands. Increasingly, and especially via email, people are very wary about putting anything in writing, in case it is somehow going to be used against them later on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2018): I think of life as fluid.Things change from time to time.You dont need to explain anything or everything to some people unless you are looking for deep soul sister kind of convos.Remember your friends will have moved on too.Some or many will have no free time for talking or meeting up.It so often depends on work load and shifts and pressures of family life eg new baby, new house, new man, mums and dads passing which brings so much sorrow and so on, so it would unlikely be a personal rejection if the friendship didnt roll again.Because life is fluid it is often best to look forwards.This would mean gathering new friends.But there is no harm in locating old friends if you want to.But some of your old friends are no longer people you thought they were.If it is people who were/are part of your ex and your own former entourage I would be cautious of reintegrating back into the same circle as they also are probably busy going their own way.Groups split up.Oten they go through a round robin phase where everyone keeps passing their 'news ' on and receiving group news but even these friendships disintigrate with time and circumstances.In small towns some people still recognise people they knew from primary school but that relies heavily on people not moving too far away.Its difficult to keep friendships going without daily interaction.So people go for once a week catch up sessions and then these also fade.Even close family members live apart in Western culture and only speak to one another now and again when they are not too busy.So I think you can look them up if you want to but please be aware that your life is moving at a good pace and new friends can sometimes take the place of old friends simply due to location or some other logistics beyond your control.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2018): I think writing to them is a lovely idea. Explain and apologise. That's all you can do. Explain that he manipulated you to give your friendships up. It's called 'isolating' you if you didn't know, but it's a very common abusive tactic. Read up on this if you didn't know that you were being abused and then maybe you can explain it to them better. You sound lovely and hopefully they will realise how difficult and persuasive abusive men can be and be pleased to hear from you. I have been where you are now and I know it takes a long time to recover. Unless you've been through it, it's really difficult for people to understand just how awful it is. So glad you got away. Well done and good luck with continuing to rebuild your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2018): This all revolves around you having low self esteem in the first place. You will need to sort that out first and foremost and I have explained my thoughts on this further on in this post.In terms of reaching back out to these previous friends, a lot will depend on how close to your friends you were in the first place, how exactly you carried out the 'fading away' process, and - obviously - how you handle yourself now (in case they worry that you will repeat this again).You say it caused them hurt - it's good that you realised this, but they won't want to be hurt again, so will be wary. It does seem to show maturity that you don't want to paint a bad picture of your ex partner, but I am also concerned that you have a habit of playing to your own lack of self worth and that your seeming concern for his reputation going forward is actually just an easier way for you to remain in 'low self esteem' mode ie. "I am pretty worthless, so I'm not going to denigrate anyone else, because then I'd have to feel superior to them, and that would make me feel uncomfortable because I am used to having low self esteem". I say this because other women wouldn't hesitate to at least 'kick the boot in' a little bit. It's very telling that this person controlled you during the relationship but is still effectively controlling you now - why not let rip and say what a selfish ***hole he was? In case people reject you?On that note, it is also rather telling that - at least according to your account of things - none of your friends at that time actually reached out to you to really question what you were doing and why you were behaving in that way - and if you were okay. It makes me wonder how close you actually were. Did any of them actually question or challenge you about what you were doing? If so, I'd say these would be the first friends to contact. Were there any of them that you felt closer to?I guess my concern is that you were perhaps not as close to these friends in the first place and that is actually a major factor in why you became so involved with such a controlling man. In other words, had you been very secure and transparent in a group of friends, you would have been able to tell them, or they would have noticed, that you were being manipulated by him. The fact that this didn't happen inclines me to think that your self esteem was already very low and you were, for that reason, perhaps already 'withholding' from your friends aspects of your own personality - possibly in case they rejected you - people with low self esteem tend to really fear rejection underneath everything, and sometimes withhold due to that.This leads to another view on this that is a bit tricky to explain, which is that, if you weren't being 'fully' yourself with these people, due to low self esteem, you may have already been holding back from them in case you wound up being rejected. You then became involved with a guy who (for very dodgy reasons) appealed to your sense of magnanimity by making you feel sorry for him and as if you were the one with the power within you to make his life so much better. For people with low self esteem, this can be a very, very attractive situation - you effectively feel a bit worthless in yourself so hold back from real intimacy with friends, but someone makes you feel like you have the magical power to rescue them, this gives you a false sense of self worth, so you then put all your efforts into 'saving' them (in order to feel more powerful, and the 'sacrifice' that you make is rejecting these friends (who you already feared being rejected by). At the same time, by rejecting the friends before they can reject you, you feel even more powerful.In the end, though, you've ended up with no man and no friends BECAUSE this was all based on decisions founded on low self esteem. I think it's really your own sense of self esteem that you need to sort out, first and foremost. You may be able to do this with the help of your ex-friends, but you are going to have to explain to them how it was that this man was able to get such a hold on you without you or them realising. I'd suggest reach out to one or two of them that you remember as being the most caring, and take it from there. Be aware, though, that you may have to work through their feelings of hurt AND/OR that they may not have actually ever been as close to you as you like to think - either because you were withholding or because they simply weren't as caring as friends should be.
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