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female
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anonymous
writes: if you finally start talking with an ex again but he isn't ready to be in a relationship again---is it ALWAYS black and white that they just don't want to be with you? We were with each other for almost 4 years and a year of no contact after the break up..noone cheated..i think we did really love each other..it was petty stuff that i think we can get over from just learning from mistakes etc..i know what i would do differently and told him this.i was strong and didnt not contact him until a year later because i still loved him even though i tried dating etc. We have been speaking for months. I did ask him very direct questions and made direct comments of how maybe he is just trying to be this "nice guy" and doesn't want to say that he just doesn't want me. And he said that isn't exactly right b/c if it was about me then he would be seeing someone already or looking.We have been having nice conversations but in terms of us seeing each other he said let him get his head together. Do i give him the benefit of the doubt and give him time? Be nice in the phone calls and keep them short and hope for the best? We talk every week or couple of weeks or so but it is mostly me calling at this point.I really still care for him very much and its not as simple as he is an ex for a reason--i wish we could give this a second chance and i am hoping he would eventually come around.I have been dating in the meantime but it doesn't make me feel as happy like i did with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): I wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose to do and I will always believe that certain relationships worthy of second chances, but I just want to tell you this: It is only human nature to return to what feels comfortable. Though the past is not more seductive than a more adventuorous future, it still remains more certain and predictable, which makes it safer. It always feels safe to return to that which you know...to the familiar. Just beware that you don't spend the time you have been given on retracing those steps. Because if all you have is reruns of old patterns, not only will you have shut the door to new possibilities, but when you are closer to the end and the clock starts ticking, you may be left with an incomplete design of your life and out of time to complete it. In any case, you are the master of your destiny so choose wisely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the responses..i am in my mid 20's and he is in his 30's. i feel like we are both older and can learn
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male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (18 May 2010):
 I think you just need to move on, honestly. You can't keep wasting your life waiting for somebody who has made it clear he doesn't want to commit. Sorry to sound so harsh, but it's the truth....
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 May 2010):
I suspect that he is being the nice guy here. He will have worked out that the problems you had before that led to your break up won't have just gone away. They will still be there waiting for when you get back together. And if you couldn't get through them before, you will find it hard to do now. I just don't think that this is going to work to be honest. It seems to me like he's moving on.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (18 May 2010):
 I think the main thing here is whether or not the issues that lead to the break up in the first place can be resolved. If not, and you do get back together, sooner or later it will all fall apart once again.
He may well be thinking of this and hence the reason he says he needs to get his head together. It would be good, by the way, if he were to inititate the calls some of the time. Perhaps you could just not get in touch with him for a month and see what happens. In other words, see if he contacts you.
In any event, why not try just talking to him about non-relationship topics? You know, just chat about any interesting activities, events, books, movies, outings, politics, whatever to see if you enjoy being together and which are just neutral.
Your other alternative is to see how much longer you want to wait for this man to make up his mind before you decide to give the whole thing up as a hopeless case........
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): Hello,
Give it some time, see what happens.
You mentioned there was no unfaithfulness in your relationship, you broke up over petty issues. Now you're ready to try again. You've done some dating and haven't clicked with anyone,I'd express to him what you're feeling. Be patient and see what happens. He may want that too in time.
Good luck
;D
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