| A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hello. I read all these wonderfull answers, and decided that i need an answer to the question that i have on my mind for the past few years.I am relatively young woman in my early forties. I look very good for my ages, at least this is what i've been told.So, when i go anywhere men always pay attention to me.I stoped having intimate relationship w/ men couple years ago, and the only reason why is because i don't see any effort from them even the slightest effort to make things happen.I am very busy and don't mind to have casual sex from from now and then, but even this doesn't seem to happen. Ussualy all men want is sex right away for one night, and then if they get your phone number they never call you. I mean NEVER.My last relationship was w/one man that i really liked. At first he did little things for me, like really little, and then i had to do all the work. At the end i even notice if i don't call him to meet he wouldn't even bother. O, he 'll see me when i reminded him about my existence, but no more than that.I broke it off.Now back to what happened yesterday. I am now on a trip in unfamiliar city, leaving in a few days. While I was staying here for couple of weeks, i was having a drink at one of the local upscale bars. Bartender who probably in his late twenties, incredibly cute, was paying so much attention to me despite the fact that the bar was full.Next day i went for lunch to a cafe, that was empty and who do i see there: him. My lunch lasted 3 hours. We talked and talked, and seemed like non of us wanted to leave.Next day was my birthday, and a colegue of mine took me out for dinner. My bartender called me several times asking me to stop by his bar. So we did. He bought us drinks, but unfortunately i had to go to hotel that day, as my colegue was w/me.He texted me 14 times telling me how much he liked me until i fell asleep. We agreed that Monday would be the best day for us to get together.I was very excited. I didn't have any action for such a long time, and here this gorgeous young guy wants me, and not only he is incredibly handsome but smart and sencitive, and ...you name it.We supposed to have dinner w/collegues that night, and also the situation was that something got mixed up w/reservations and I had to stay in one room w/another lady from work. I know you probably think it's incredibly stupid and needy of me, but i took a room in another hotel, paid almost $200 out of my own money just to be w.that guy. I thought it's my birthday, and that would be the best birthday present i had for years.At around 6 o'clock i didn't hear from him, so i texted asking when we can meet. He said he is going golfing and be back by 8 p.m. That was a little dissapointing, but i thought, that's his life, his town, he just does what he ussually does, and that's o.k.By 8.30 i still don't hear from him, so i text him again:please let me know what's going on, i am waiting for your call. Half an hour late,which was already 9p.m. he answeres:where should we meet. I answered that i already ate as it was so late and had some wine, that's why i don't want to drive anywhere, why doesn't he just stopes by hotel and gave him room number.No answer..... And believe it or not he answeres me in one hour that another day would be the best, as he is having dinner, and then he has to go home and take a shower, and then it will be too late, unless i am willing to stay awake for a long time and wait for him.Now i am being desperate. I paid already all these money for the room, fantasized about that night...and get not action. So, i tell him:yes, i'll wait, just tell me approximately when you can come.That was the last time i heard from him, he never answered, never showed up.The next day i texted him, saying thats why i don't date men anymore because of behaviour like that, but what the point. I am sure i will never hear from him again.Now, tell me WHAT IS THIS? I described to you one situation, but over these few years it happens to me all the time. I am not talking about long time courting or taking me out, or giving me presents, i am just talking about simple casual sex, that doesn't happen for me only because i want to go to bed w.someone i ACTUALLY LIKE. Someone that i can have a converstaion with, i don't care if it's for one night, someone that smells and looks good for me. I don't want just to be w/someone who has a penis. Is it too much to ask?In this situation what i see this young man just wanted sex exactly when he wanted, to wait for couple days it was too much inconvinience for him. I am relactant to just go the bar and pick up someone for one night. But for me if it doesn't happen on a first night it doesn't happen at all.What happens w/my attitude now toward men who always stare at me (even now i went for coffe for breakfast and there a bunch of guys staring and giving me compliments), that i started not to like them at all. I don't want to be involved w/any even for a few days just to have sex. It's really embarassing for me right now even to think of all these effort that i put into that evening, all the texting that i did just to see what's going on w/our dateMay be it's my age, i don't know. But i meet out men my age and older all the time, that i actually like, they get my phone number and never call.I am so sad this morning. I am out of $200 just for nothing, the guy couldn't care less about seeing me. A woman can't be more available to a man that i was that night,and he completely ignored the opportunity. I don't know what to think of this.My question is why is it like this for me later:is it my age playing a huge role in it, or my attitude? Or may be this is how men these days:lazy and without initiative as they can get it so easy these days? I want to hear from men also. Thank you in advance.
View related questions:
money, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): Or he just found someone younger and hotter while bartending
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2010): Thanks,, the last person that answered.
That's true, he could be upfront w/me, and at least let me know that he can't. He doesn't know me, he knew i was leaving, all he had to do is text me saying that he can't that night. He simply didn't answer my last message. It seemed to me though that there was something that was on his way of answering, like there was someone w/him at that time that he had a hard time answering my texts in time.
Men that i meet lately are so incredibly flaky, that i don't really know how to deal w/it anymore. I can't have any expectations at all even like in this case that i was 100% sure that it will happen, and then it didn't.
It's been couple days already, of-course i never heard from a guy, right now i have no desire to be w.anyone. It's a strugle to set some kind of contact w/ a man for me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): I know everyone is hung up on the idea of a one night stand but I fail to see why. Humans are sexual creatures. You wanted SEX. Not a relationship. He was rude not to be up front with you no matter what his reason was for standing you up. He knew you were expecting him. I feel for you because I live your life. Being a 40 something woman who is TOLD she is attractive but who can't get a man to go the extra step just sucks. Here's an idea: In your mind decide he would have been terrible in bed since he is so obviously unconcerned with your want or needs and move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2010): Thank you all so much for your time answering. The 'married' part was VERY interesting. I never thought of that. He didn't call me all day Sunday, then he called only once Monday. May be there is a girlfriend, i don't know about wife, he looked so young to me. May be you right : he could lie at a certain time and couldn't do it Monday. Otherwise he would probably come. That's an excelent explanation!!. At least i liked that one more than others.That's why he was so persistent on Saturday, trying to get me to come back to the bar for a drink, then meet somewhere as he had an excelent bottle of wine, telling me over and over how much he likes me.Jill, thank you for trying to help me, but don't forget the fact that i am in my 40's. I am very successfull in my carier, and i know what i worth. In this case i wasn't looking for a long term relationship, or spiritual closeness. I am a sexual being, and with this particular man i felt so much chemistry going on that i decided to go for it.I wasn't going to discuss my moral standings here. I asked a question trying to understand why i meet men that don't pursue me. This boy's behaviour completely threw me of the balance that night. I realized that i can't enjoy all the beauty of sex for 2 years because of behaviour like that.Fortunately i got some really good advices here. may be i'll change my outings, and think of some other places to meet men then bars and clubs. Thank you guys again. I am not sad anymore. Life goes on.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 May 2010):
 You are welcome to borrow my reputation, Q- but it's not a good one.
...............................
A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (18 May 2010):
 I read your post many time...I have to because it present totally new situation, unknown to many...This came from female,...
What I have to say is this:
Now it is not, it cannot be the question of particular male or particular female's attitude and experiences generated from that particular attitude... like a casual sex.
It is about what type of meaning of sex one have conceived, determined the quality of life experience and also experience of life in general.
If you think sex is something, you need casually, randomly, ,,, without any package of 'relationship'... than you offer yourself to a chance...to a fortune that is uncontrollable...unorganized even by God, if he exists..... if anyone adopt such policy to money matter...result will be the same...very worst life - economically.
If you accept the meaning of sex, as most sacred, pure and high life value...you would be more selective, more critical about your choice...then result would be different, not at least painful...you would have give lot of thought about the probability of best finding....you will focus your search from particular group..group of artist, writer, political people, sports man etc etc etc.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): Hello,
I read your question with great interest, and felt myself wondering why you need to hit on a guy on a first night, to book a hotel room, with obviously the view to ' casual sex ' with a man you know nothing about, if he's safe to be with, what he's looking for ( apart from sex) or YOU even like on a deeper level, than what he looks like.
The female reader who writes " What is easily available is also easily disposable." and guys know that. They also know pretty well, if a female is so willing to jump into ' casual sex ' with them, she is also MORE likely to with other guys, somewhere along the line.
Mother nature made us pair up in certain ways, and to look for certain attributes in the opposite sex, for guys it's a female who is ultimately selective, meaning she chooses her bed mate on more than just looks, being cute, or not having some action for a few weeks, as ALL those reasons are not built around anything other than the surface stuff. Guys want to know they have to pursue you a bit, they want to know you are worth pursuing. Guys who end up with a female in a long-term relationship, who want to build something with her, tend to be with females who make themselves less available sexually. Have sex with a guy under 3 dates, he's unlikely to call you back, or if he does, it will be for a casual basis of dates in the diary for sex, until he moves on to the next female.
SEX without any emotional intimacy, the deeper stuff, building common ground, a friendship, cannot be anything more than mechanical..going through the technical motions of some quick fix sexual experience. It's not like shaking hands, and shouldn't be treated as such, sex should be part of a mutually affectionate, caring, loving relationship, if it's not...it amounts to nothing more a guy could get from a hooker. If he doesn't see the female sees sex as anything special, then he won't see it as something special.
Try to meet perhaps a different type of guy - get to know the guy first before stripping down to your Victoria Secrets underwear, let him really desire you first, let him LIKE you first...and of course it works both ways, you will also be making better choices for bed partners as you know about about the guy. And if you're really HOT for him, it won't vanish just because you wait a few dates..in fact anticipation is a wonderful form of fore-play!
Take care..
Jilly x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): Oldersister, thank you for answering, but you are a litle of the track here.
What i was describing is the opposite of me being needy AND DESPERATE. The guy was actually all over me the first 3 times when i saw him. He sounded very exited about us meeting. He didn't know i had to pay for the room, as he knew my company pays for it, he simply didn't show up, that came as huge surprise for me.
I am giving phone number very selectively to a very few men over these years. They don't call because all they want is a one night stand, and I AM NOT DOING IT.
THIS IS WHY I DON"T HAVE ANY SEX FOR 2 YEARS because i don't jump in bed w someone right away, this is why i give my phone number, so they can call and take me out. I don't want to do it on a first day, as i always have on a back of my mind that may be it will become something more.
My question was why they don't persue me despite the fact that there is an obvios attraction there. Why it's always a one night stand purpose for men that i meet? And why does it always with them have to be the same night when we meet. And if they dont get iy then they don't bother calling
With this boy it was different. He knew i am leaving, and he obviously liked me very much. We knew what was going to happen that night, as i am leaving in a few days, and we both silently wanted it very much. He just never showed up. Makes no sence.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): From original poster:
Thank you girls for advices, i liked what TimmD said more though.
Marieclare: I am selective. That's why i don't have any action for a long time. And i don't make myself available right away. There was the third evening i was describing. If i was that available, i could've stayed w/that bartender guy on a first night when i walked into that bar.
Ussualy i just give my phone to someone i like but they never call. Seems to me that men just go out for a one night stands all the time.
I am now in a strange city that i would probably never come back to, all i wanted after seeing how much this guy is into me is to have a good passionate sex. In this case i wasn't looking for relationship, as this guy is probably 12 years younger than me. It seemed to me like he wanted it also very much. This is why i went through all these troubles w/hotel and all. So, you girls are saying that the only reason he didn't come to see me that night because i said 'yes'? and he didn't have to chase me?
He was showering me w/text messages and phone class for 2 days, and then only on a 3 day i said 'yes'. If i was in town for much longer may be it would be a different picture, but i am leaving soon, we didn't have this much time.
Makes no sence to me his behaviour. May be i am attracted to certain guy that are players, and this kind of behaviour is typical for them. May be TimmD is right. I need to look into this more, there is a pattern in my life that makes me feel lonely anddiscouraged of even start dating again. Thank you guys again.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): Thanks for sharing this. Please try to find more serious guys because I think you are a nice woman but you are expecting more from people who probably don't plan things like you. I am not saying that a bar guy can't be serious, its just that this was guy was not. Your attitude is just fine. Trust me, once you meet a guy who's willing to put effort, and book the boat/room for you, you will know what I am saying. Please stop picking from bars; those guys don't match your profile; try a yoga center or a library -- a guy who makes that kind of effort for himself, is likely to be your kind of guy. Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (18 May 2010):
 Yeah, I don't think it has anything to do with your age or "just men" in general. I think it's more of the specific type of men you keep meeting. Now, I'm not going to stereotype all bartenders, but honestly... most bartenders who are attractive generally meet a lot of women. They may tend to be more of a "player". You kind of set yourself up for something like this possibly happening when you agree to meet a guy like that.
There are good guys out there. Maybe just not in the places you keep looking.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 May 2010):
Marieclaire is right. I struggled all my life with the concept that a man has to chase after you because it goes against my character. I am a very transparaent and straightforward person, and I am not good at tactics and strategies. I used to think that if I want you I want you, if it's yes it's yes, and we are not in the 18th century Venice so we should not be dancing minuets around each other.
But they way things work and the way they should work according to us are often diffferent.
What is easily available is also easily disposable.
See it as a prescreening process- let them sweat it just a bit to have your attention, your phone number , an evening of your time. Some won't be persistent and will give up at once- no big loss. Dating also is evolutionary and only the fittest need to survive :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): My bet is that he is married.
...............................
|
