A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I really need to figure out how to be more secure about myself. My b/f is a pretty hot, intelligent, fun guy to be with and says he loves me, but sometimes when we go out, I get so uncomfortable when there are so many beautiful women around us and I see him eyeing them wishfully. I hate feeling this way, but I can't ignore my feelings and I really have no idea how to gain more confidence. As a child I was always the ugly duckling, and even though I grew in a beautiful swan, my mental imagine has yet to thoroughly catch up to me. Sometimes I think if he'd pay me more compliments, it might help my self esteem but it's just not something he's good at. He's not very romantic at all so naturally when I see him looking at some hot red-head that sort of looks like one of his old ex-girlfriends, I start to fidget wishing we could sit somewhere else, or go somewhere else. I hate feeling this way, but I just don't know what to do. I know you will all say, "you really must get more confidence or you will lose him" but it's just not that simple. It's not all the time, and it's not every day that I feel like this, but there are certain situations when I sense a woman is being too flirty with him, or if he's watching a woman a little too much, I start to really squirm and feel insecure. I just wish he only had eyes for me. But I guess men are never really happy with just one girl. Also, every b/f I've ever had had issues being faithful. So I guess I'm programmed to worry that if his eyes are straying, so will the rest of him in time.
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male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (24 May 2008):
 "But I guess men are never really happy with just one girl"I think it's really sad that you think that way, to be honest. I'm a guy, and though I was a jerk in other relationships, I'm never happier than when I am in love with "just one girl"... I've been with my current partner for a couple of years and I love her more than anything, when we are together I can't help but stare at her, I hardly even notice that there are other women around and if I'm looking at them it's not because I'm lusting after them, but because my eyes have to go somewhere.Look, I know you've had no luck with men, and that's probably jaded your view a bit. Plus, as a 'society' we have come to EXPECT (and even condone) infidelity and "wandering eyes" in men (we don't seem to expect such behavior from women). But not all men are like this. Maybe almost all men are like this when they are young and immature and haven't yet learned how to respect women (I know I was), but a few of us do grow out of it. Some men aren't made for monogamy but a lot of us are. I am more than happy to just be with "one girl", and not watch porn on the side, and not look at every bird wearing a lowcut top as if she's a piece of steak and I'm a hungry dog, and just be with my girlfriend and love her to pieces. So, basically what I'm saying is- don't assume that just because you've had unfaithful boyfriends in the past, that ALL men are cheaters, or that ALL men are going to be lusting after other women when you're together. The gist of your problem is that he checks out/flirts with other girls in your company, and it makes you uncomfortable and feel badly about yourself and your body. This is a common problem... I believe that most good men would accommodate you if you ask them to. If you bring it up, he may make an effort to stop out of respect for your feelings. Perhaps a light nudge and a smile when you catch him ogling might snap him out of it. Maybe sit him down for a serious talk and explain how it makes you feel. If he's a caring fellow, he should stop or at least cut back on his ogling. Maybe you should remind him that most women don't like to be stared at, it makes them feel uncomfortable. Maybe he'll stop out of respect for them.Communication is the key to most problems, so talk to him about it and don't assume he's a cheater... looking doesn't always lead to touching.Good luck. [Moderator Message] We seem to have a lot of Unanswered Questions piling up at the moment. Any aunties want to respond to one or two and help clear up the backlog? Just click the 'Unanswered Questions' link above and strut your stuff. Thanks!
A
female
reader, bday121  +, writes (24 May 2008):
 I think your worrying is not entirely unfounded. A boyfriend with a wandering eye is not exactly a confidence boost. Have you talked to your bf about this? Tell him how you feel. Tell him it hurts you when he looks at other women and that you expect him to stop doing it. If he respects you he'll stop. To be honest, I don't think this guy respects you much to begin with, though, if he checks out other girls when you're right there with him! But anyway, you should ask him to compliment you more. Tell him how wonderful you feel when he tells you that you're beautiful. Also, if you catch him looking at some other gal, call him out on it. Say, "Hey! Eyes on me only!" or, "Didn't I tell you how much that hurts me?" He should get the picture pretty fast. But if he doesn't stop looking at other girls, you need to end it. That shows that he doesn't respect you, and you don't need to put up with that crap! Plus, over time, his wandering eyes will just hurt your self-esteem more and more. If he can't respect you and take care of you emotionally, then find a new guy who can!
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