A
female
age
36-40,
*inrising
writes:Hey everyone,The bf "J" and I have been together apx 9 months now - he's finishing up law school and I work for myself. Now, I've been consulting for a few years but the art market has all but dried up and I am so incredibly anxious about my financial health that I've been applying for a few jobs here and there that look interesting an in line with my experience. Nothing has panned out though and its really really disheartening and embarrassing. J and I are close but when these rejections occur, he disappears. We've fought before about him being "unsupportive" and what not, but he just doesn't get it. When he disappears it makes me even more self conscious and embarrassed to be in this perpetually rejected situation. I feel like he doesn't care enough to bother comforting me or encourage me to stay on track...its not that I need to be coddled but its so easy to get down on myself when I'm on my own. J lives off student loans so he's very thrifty, and throughout our entire relationship, I've been the breadwinner and the "wallet," even the "bank" on occassion when he needs an emergency loan to cover overdraft fees. We both know that one day he'll make millions more than I, so I've always thought of this time as an "investment" because maybe one day he'll be supporting me. This is not a sure thing though, as we're only dating and not married or anything. So its tough, I just wish he was supportive now - emotionally supportive - because I'm so financially supportive these days (and emotionally supportive too, well, I think so at least).I try to think in terms of "I," as in "I need to change" because you cant change someone else, especially a man. But its tough, because I think I'm a really good girlfriend already...but apparently not...What do you guys and gals think? How can I encourage him to be more supportive when I need him most?
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male
reader, jimrich +, writes (17 September 2010):
Rather than give you some little snippet of advise and/or things to say/do, I will send you to 2 places where you can LEARN HOW to deal with this.1 google: relationship tips and learn how to communicate better to get your wishes and needs met.2 google: self worth and LEARN HOW to boost and support your self rather than depend or rely on others to prop you up.re: I try to think in terms of "I," as in "I need to change" because you cant change someone else, especially a man. ....You CAN change someone else, even a 'man'!, BUT it's better to begin with your self 1st and, after you have made some progress, work on the other person. Relationship tips will help you with this.But its tough, because I think I'm a really good girlfriend already...but apparently not.......LOL, apparently not enough good/high self worth and self esteem there! Fix your self first!
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (17 September 2010):
 He may simply not know how to console you. A lot of guys have that problem. So, he dissappears and waits for the problem to solve itself. It's worked in the past, as far as he's concerned, so it will work again.So, you'll have to teach him. One day, when you need support, just call him over and ask him to hold you for a while. Don't complain about your problems, no matter how big they are, just have him hold you. Watch a movie or something. Next step, have him hold you, and tell him you're feeling down without telling him why unless he asks - if he does ask, be very brief.Next step is to ask him to walk with you, and tell him your problems in general terms. If you can get him out of his shell, he will offer solutions to your problems. I know you'll just want him to tell you you're special and commiserate with you, but that's the next step. Let him offer solutions; it's how he shows he cares. Later, you can tell him you just need some validation without solutions for a while.It took me years to figure out that girls just want a listening ear and validation - I used to offer solutions and then get confused when they were still sad. Now, I know to comfort girls and let them deal with it. I can offer solutions by themselves here if I feel like it. My guy friends still don't believe me, though - so it's a common problem. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 September 2010):
You say this. "You give me support, but I need more emotional support from you, because my life is in turmoil right now and I need you"
If that does not kick your boyfriend into gear, nothing will and you will never have the support from him that you need. Be absolutely direct so he knows where he stands. If he doesn't' get better, then this will be your life with him.
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