A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This has been bothering me for months now... I am in a great relationship with this guy for almost 6 months now ( we are both in our 30's) and we are very happy together. We were on our first vacation together and it had been only 2 months that we were together. I don't remember what brought it up in conversation... He mentioned that there was one thing that he always wanted to do before he died... I guess saying that in a jokingly kind of way... to have sex with two hot women at the same time. He explained that maybe he would be at a bar and they would be strangers ( a one night stand sort of thing ) It infuriated me!! I said, why are you with me if that is what you are interested in doing? ( meaning why are we in a serious relationship?) He said,"no..... I probably wouldn't even know what to do with all that!! and laughed it off.. like he didn't mean it... He did though! or else why did he even mention it?? I then said well,"guys are able to seperate their feelings..." meaning they can be happily married to a woman but cheat on them because of being bored or whatever reason and to look outside of the home for intimacy. (Seperating sex from love.) ( I was a victum of that 2 years ago) When my neighbor that was happily married with kids kept contacting me and wanting me to have sex with him just to "keep his life interesting" and not be bored at home... He was tired of his wife's body type and I was completely diferent from the way she looked,felt even acted. ( That is what he said )Eversince my boyfriend told me about his "fantasy" I don't know how to feel... Why did he even say something like that to me? I thought in the beginning of a relationship, being so in love like we were, and still are... it just makes me feel insecure... even to this day. What do guys really think about all of this? Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your answers :) To answer one of the questions regarding the last post. I may have a fastasy or two about past loves ( that i keep to myself ) I was just upset because he said that "sleeping with two women at the same time was on his bucket list, something that he wants to do before he dies" There is a little bit of a difference between me thinking about it on occasion and him telling me he wants to act out on it. And... why tell ME about it?? I think that (like other people had stated)... he was feeling me out a.k.a. testing the waters. Four months has past bye and he hasn't said anything thing else about it. It's still in the back of my mind and causes me to feel unstable in our relationship...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): It sounds to me like you are convicting your husband of something that your neighbor tried to do.
Have you ever fantasized about any other man than your husband during the time you have known him? A celebrity? A former lover? A random situation on TV? Well then you are as guilty as your husband is. The only difference is that he admitted having fantasy thoughts to you.
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reader, bebe87 +, writes (31 October 2011):
 I’m not a guy either but I’d like to say a couple things. I am actually surprised he told you this. To be honest this is many guys’ fantasy, MANY! I can completely understand your hurt by it and feeling insecure, but really I don’t think you have anything to worry about with him on that. It’s simply something that gets him aroused. This by all means doesn’t mean he is going to go out and cheat on you. My best advice for you is be open to at least hearing what his fantasies are. You want him to feel like he can tell you anything without you flipping out. Honesty is key so don’t scare him into not telling you things that are on his mind. Now if you just are not comfortable with what he says he wants then don’t be, but that doesn’t mean that you couldn’t allow him to fantasize about it. If you want to really get him aroused, while you 2 are having sex start talking to him dirty, whisper in his ear that you want another girl in bed with you and him, you will literally see him go wild and that’s good! At the end of the day sweetie he wants to be with you, not some girls from the bar. In my opinion this is why a lot of people cheat because they are not getting their satisfaction of sexual energy out or rather its frowned upon by their partner (i.e. him telling you that he wants to have sex with 2 other women at the same time and you shooting that idea away real quick) now I am not saying if you don’t do this then he will cheat, BUT I am saying entertain the idea with him, let him enjoy the excitement of JUST thinking about it with you. It’s actually kind of fun and brings a whole new spice to the bedroom and to a relationships sex aspect. There is nothing for you to be insecure about; honestly you are wasting your time and energy into taking this personal. And remember A LOT of men are this way if not most all some just hide it rather better than others, that’s it, so if you can’t beat them then join. My philosophy!
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reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 Not a fan of his words at all. Does he even know the risk of the relationship with a threesome? Or jealousy issues? His fantasy is common but that doesnt make it acceptable because he is in a committed relationship. I think when he said he was joking he was testing the waters with u to see if you might be up to his fantasy. Id red flag this because it could be a sign to immaturity a sign he isnt satisfied sexually or a sign he may not be a relationship. Make it clear to him u will always be a one man one woman type. As far as ur.neighbor thats just creepy. Good luck.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 One way to see this is that he was trying to see if you would agree to his fantasy. You said no, he understands so, he won't mention it again. Period.
On the other hand, I suspect that you are wondering whether he truly loves you, since he can entertain the idea of having sex with another woman. I cannot answer that, but I think you have to decide what you want to do about it.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 October 2011):
 not a guy but i know enough of them and I can tell you simply... he has NO FILTER and feels safe discussing it with you.
my boyfriend always mentions sexual things with other women and I just look at him and go "ummm NO" and he gets this overly crestfallen face and then says brightening "ok"
because he feels safe to share his fantasy with me... I came from an open marriage and it's not what i want now and he knows it... but he will still bring it up...
doesn't mean it's going to happen...
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reader, C. Grant  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 This is why sensible guys don't volunteer anything about what's going through their heads. Yes, such fantasies are common. Most guys know that the vast majority of women aren't interested, so they never mention them. It is possible, as others have suggested, that he was testing the waters. If that's the case you'll never hear about it again. It's more likely that it was a tactless bit of sharing, which is also unlikely to happen again.
It's up to you now to decide to what extent this is a game changer for your relationship. If you want to be half-full about it, he was willing to trust you with a very personal bit of information -- how often do we hear from women that men just don't open up?
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reader, Hugh.J  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 I believe that he said this in a joking way to test the water and see how you reacted. If you didn't like the idea, which you didn't, he could pretend that he didn't mean it.
Without doubt, it will stay in his mind, but whether he is likely to act on it at some point is impossible to predict.
BUT, people do have fantasies and never act on them - don't you ever fantasise about situations?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2011): He bought up a fantasy, you aren't interested. That's that.He's perfectly willing to leave it in his head where it belongs.No one cheats if they are happy. Being bored is not a reason or excuse. There a million and one ways to keep a relationship interesting without resorting to adultery. Those that cheat will do so, no matter what and they can rationalise it all they want.Some men can, some people in general really, like to seperate sex from love. I envy these people... because to me, sex and passionate love are tied too deeply to simply be split.But yes, some do and can separate the two.But in your case I'd give your man the benefit of the doubt. Clearly the FFM threesome is a fantasy of his, and I'd be lying if I said it was uncommon (it is in fact one of, if not the most, popular sex fantasy amongst heterosexual men) and he was trying, in a very tactless way, to bring it up. You didn't go for it and he is putting the idea back in the far corners of his brain.I'd say let this one go. Surely you have some sexual fantasies that might be a bit less than morally perfect?
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reader, lukefortender +, writes (31 October 2011):
Sweetheart,what your said is a seriously issue,a big problem. I sugest you get out of this relationship! You aint get nothing on dating this asshole!
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