A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy 9 months ago... his 4 years younger then me but i love him a lot. He has told me everything about his previous girlfriend. My ex-boyfriends always cheated on me. Non of my previous boyfriends were faithful with me. Now that im in this relationship with this guy i can't trust him. And due to this we always end up fighting. Most of the time his mobile is busy....later he says that he was talking to his friend but i cant trust him. It comes in my mind that he was talking with another girl. Sometimes his mobile is divert and i start thinking that his with another girl thats why he has turned off his mobile. I love him a lot and i don't wanna lose him but i just cant trust him. Most of the time i sit and cry coz i cant trust him and always accuse him of cheating. Please help me...i dont wana loose my boyfriend. He knows that i don't trust him and he says that now his tired of my this behaviour of doubting on him. Worse thing is we don't have any conselor in my area with whom i can share my problem and take advice from. Plus im an orphan... I don't have mum or any sis to give advice. Please help me
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female
reader, silver_1964  +, writes (2 September 2009):
You have alot of issues regarding trust.I think your biggest problem especailly where youre an orphan is that you dont trust anyone at all.You feel unworthy of being loved.You need to talk to a professional and put your relationship with your boyfriend on the back burner.Tell him you need to find yourself and get the help you need.Once you start feeling confident be with him if he loves you he will understand and wait.If he does that you can trust him and know this not every person is alike.Just because some guys cheated on you in the past doesnt mean he will.the only way you can think that if he is the same type of guy.But you have to give him the benifit of doubt.But first things first get help start feeling good about yourself and then work on the relationship with him.Good luck dear and I hope everything works out for you.I am an orphan too.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (2 September 2009):
 Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Without it you can't be intimate with him, you can't be a part of his life. If you are always doubting him, then he will find it hard to love you.
The problem I see here is that he is not spending enough time with you. On the other hand, if he spends too much time with you, he may think you're smothering him.
The next issue is how much time should he be spending outside of your relationship on friends and family? He has to have some sort of social outlet, and he can't live in a vacuum.
Last issue is the insecurity that you're feeling. If you keep assuming people are cheating on you, then you will never have a stable relationship.
The person that you have to start with first is you. It seems to me that the first thing you are feeling is the empty or missing part of your life. You say that you were an orphan, and being in that situation, you have not had the benefit of your parents to be there for you. This is a basic insecurity which carries through with you your entire life. You need to overcome this issue and finally come to terms with it.
As far as the insecurities that follow, the inability to trust, this is an issue that requires a great deal of time and effort on your part. If you can develop patience, maybe a system of carefully thinking things out, then maybe you won't jump to too many conclusions.
But if you can't trust this guy, it will end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. That is, you will keep accusing him of cheating on you and then eventually he will because now you expect it from him.
That's true. If you expect him to do that, then you are lowering his inhibitions and his self-esteem at the same time.
All relationships require a great deal of personal commitment from both people. You need to be able to trust him, and he needs to be accountable to you when you feel insecure. But the key is, you can't be insecure all the time or else he's going to think you have him on a leash.
And when he thinks you have him on a leash, he will break down and start behaving exactly the way he thinks you expect him to.
The sad part is, this is an infectious problem. Once he gets used to the idea of reacting to allegations of cheating, by actually going out and doing it, he will do the same thing to every woman he ever sees from now on end.
Do you really want that to happen?
I would suggest, strongly, that you two travel if you have to, and find some counseling. Maybe go to a local church or lookup a support group.
It seems to me that you don't want to be alone, and you want to trust him; and it seems he wants you, but you're pushing him away with this. Both of you need to help each other.
Just look past the insecurities (you accusing him and him defending himself), and if you get that hurdle out of the way, I think you will find there is much more in it for the two of you than you can imagine.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 September 2009):
 why do you feel you're not worth being faithful too? Is it because these other guys made poor choices? Most that are unfaithful don't do so because they loose desire in you. They do it by choice because they want what they want and in a selfish way.
If he doesn't give you a valid reason to believe he's cheating, isn't accusing him lowering your belief in him and your relationship with him? Think about it, if you were someone who does not cheat. How would you feel if your partner was accusing you, which then categorizes you into a class of behavior that's against your beliefs and that you don't take part in. Such as in the 80's, which I don't know how much it still happens, but linking blond hair girls with lack of intelligence. Then think of the blond with a high IQ, but not living to her potential because it's opposite of what people expect from her.
You're doing the same thing with your lack of trust. Your relationship won't grow to it's potential as long as you keep believing he won't remain faithful to you. Let me ask you. Can you physically or mentally cheat? If you chose to, would that be possible? Of course, same with him. Trusting someone is trusting that although their able to cheat, that they'll choose not too. But if they do, you can then choose to leave, or forgive. But you want to leave it open where that choice is there. They may never chose to cheat, but trying to prevent something from happening that hasn't been proven that it will can end up driving you nuts. Extend your trust, until it's found that someone can't be trusted.
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