A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really like this guy I've been chatting with. He's caring, kind and hardworking but, I just found out that he didn't go to university. I know this shouldn't matter, but I cant seem to get over the prejudice that because he didn't get a higher education he's not as smart as I am. I know this is not true and I'm being unreasonable, so basically my question, or my call for help, is: how can I get over this prejudice? Some background info: all my life my parents told me that to get somewhere in life I had to get a degree, so I did study though I'm currently working as something else. My previous relationship ended because we weren't at the same level intellectually or in regards to maturity. Thank you.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (10 January 2015):
Not all intelligent people want or can afford to pursue an uni education. You know this and you're beating yourself up for your own prejudice, so I'm wondering if it's less about the fact he didn't go to uni and more about how you two don't really have that much in common.
If he has ambition and can keep up with you intellectually, this shouldn't be a problem. I think this is what we associate with university: smart people who have ambition and want to make something of their lives. But you can be like that without having a degree. Also, do not underestimate the importance of less prestigious jobs. Without them, the whole system would collapse.
And like SensitiveBloke mentioned, he might have more practical skills/knowledge than you. I have what you could call 'book smarts'. I've read a lot, I speak 5 different languages and I can engage in conversations about politics, economics, history, philosophy, etc. and hold my own, but I can't change a car tire. If a home appliance breaks and I can't find a solution through google, I can't fix it. I know absolutely nothing about gardening, types of trees and plants. I'm generally lost without Satnav. Etc.
I once went on this 10 day long hiking trip in the middle of nowhere with a guy. He could navigate by the stars, he knew how to read maps, he had an excellent sense of direction and great survival skills. He had shelter set up in a matter of minutes. It was great. He had lots of knowledge about a lot of stuff, just in a very different field than me. We learned a lot from each other.
A guy who has the kind of practical knowledge you lack could really compliment you. Of course, if you're not interested in the stuff he knows most about and he's not interested in what you're knowledgable about, then yeah, you could find yourselves without much common ground. And then you're incompatible.
So try to find out what this is really about, and then make a decision.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2015): OP, you don't have a duty to love this guy simply because hes nice.
Stay friends with him and find a partner you would respect. There is nothing wrong with that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2015): While not going to uni doesn't nessesarily makes you dumb, education is very important to get ahead in life and get better salary. Education gives us choice, while high school degree lives us with low paid jobs. Yes of course
There are SOME people who do go ahead without a degree by having their own businesses but it's a very small groupofpeople really ambitious people or just lucky ones. While some people are still dumb after uni, majority are not.
If I was to tell my daughter Who to be with I would certainly want her to have someone with greater opportunities which education gives.
But with that said, every case is individual. You know him better than us. If he is ambitious, hard working, business oriented may be he will eventually be very succesfull, and that's all that matters. As a woman and future wife and mother it's your job to evaluate who you want to be with, and if this person will be a good fit to father your kids and provide for the family.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 January 2015):
 First of all, I completely understand where you're coming from, because I know that feeling. I did the whole academic enchilada taking years and sacrifice, yet I married a guy who never completed his bachelor's degree. Did I wrestle with it?? YES! Many of my college friends told me I'd "go crazy" marrying an "uneducated" guy with the degree I have. But I have never regretted marrying him. I knew a truth then that I hold to nearly 20 years later:
Education and intelligence are NOT the same thing.
Sure, it's sold that way, and when I was all about dissertations, thesis statements, and microeconomics, I felt pretty damn smart. And to be honest, the fact that I finished my college years after paying so much money, it gave me a pang of irritation bordering on resentment to know that my then-boyfriend didn't have that burden to bear, and his debts were for car repairs, trips taken, and toys. Not only that, but my opportunities afforded to me by my education had me paying off HIS lifestyle when we married.
However, I don't regret marrying him at ALL. I have met (and went to college with) people who were dumb idiots with degrees, unable to write a cohesive sentence or have an original thought in their brains.
But if you know who Celine Dion (high school dropout), Mark Zuckerberg, Ellen DeGeneres, Brad Pitt, Ted Turner, Natasha Bedingfield, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Ralph Lauren (POLO), Lady Gaga, John Lennon, Jim Carrey, Walt Disney (high school dropout), Tom Hanks, CoCo Chanel, and I could go on and on and on, then you know that NONE of them have a degree, yet are considered not only the cream of the crop, but some of them are geniuses without degrees.
It's your choice, of course, and compatibility is important. But a college education doesn't make someone intelligent and an intellectual challenge. The cheating statistics in High school and college are a testament to that fact.
However, and I want to point this out to you - all of the people I named on here may not be educated, but they are ambitious, motivated, and have made a dent in life. If this guy you're interested in has dreams and goals, that's the difference. If he's comfortable in minimum wage and letting Mommy do his laundry full time until he's 40 while he lives in her basement, that's a different issue.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2015): It might be something you may never overlook. My parents would not be happy if I were dating somebody with no degree. And I've been guilty of doing so in the past. I hate to say this but the dudes I dated with no degree, I never brought them home to meet my family. Actually except for one, and it was because I was in sort of a rebellious phase. But on normal terms, the guy's I've brought home are both educated and successful.
Your parents just want you to end up with a certain type of person and have a certain type of future. Because they love you and they have your best interest at heart. They want their grandchildren to have the best examples in their lives. They don't want you to ever have to struggle. They're just looking out for you.
But ultimately it is your life, your future, your decision. Education is very important though. It's one of the only things you'll get in your lifetime, a stamp from your past, that you will never regret. And you will always feel proud of.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (9 January 2015):
Dear OP,
Maybe you first need to realize if you're still holding on to your parents' beliefs.
And find out if this is true for you.
What evidence did you find in your life, that people who have been to university are smarter than others? Be specific. And what other evidence did you find, that contradicts your belief? Be specific as well. And what evidence do you have that the guy you mention is less smart than you? Are there maybe areas where he has more skills, knowledge or power than you, that you can respect him for?
Maybe you'll soon find out that there's less evidence for your belief than you think, and that you're just repeating what your parents told you.
Personally, I'd advise you to just get to know him better. Maybe after 2 or 3 dates, you'll realise that he's not as smart as you want him to be. But when it comes to getting over prejudice, there's nothing more effective than to just try it out.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 January 2015):
 Some of the smartest and successful people I know never went past the 12th grade. So, a degree that you spend tens of thousands of dollars and countless hours attaining is not the big deal that it used to be. Back when I was a kid playing just outside the cave. A degree from a University meant you were destined to be someone important and wealthy. Now since the qwill pen and ink wells have been traded in on computers, anyone with an IQ above room temperature can make a pretty good life for him or her self as long as they can read and write and do basic math. Even the messanger pidgons have been retired(squab,mmm).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2015): You can be smart, in fact, brilliant without going to University.
Not everybody has been afforded this opportunity. And even if they have, some simply squeak by. Does not mean they are Einstein. And even if they were, don't you suspect Einstein would be just a tad BORING? How many get drunk and squander their university and consequently academic life away on sorority parties and sexual conquests? Clearly they were smart enough to get into university but did not complete their studies. There is no black and white. How many stories have you heard about self made men who had no formal education who have turned into the CEO's of large corporations or have made millions running their own successful businesses? Smart does not come only from a book. Smart means creating opportunities for yourself, being driven, working hard, setting goals, tapping into your own unique strengths and then capitalizing on them. There is no one solitary definition of smart. It comes in many forms.
In fact once you gain a little life experience under your belt as you are still quite young, you will realize that this requirement is not nearly as important as you think it is right now.
Fast forward 20 years from now. You will have married a brilliant but very predictable, boring man. You own a home together, have kids. Do all the stuff that your parents and society has mapped out for you to do as a married couple. And you will then feel something is missing. Wonder what might have done wrong. And perhaps you will try to find that spark elsewhere. Oh yes he is brilliant but there is so much more to a person. Try to see all the other qualities as well and perhaps they may be enough to overlook the brilliance factor.
And you know what?
How do you know that he doesn't find you to be a snob? Thinks you might be too fat? Not pretty enough? The list is endless.
Until you are perfect, do not judge others for not being perfect.
Perhaps he does not find you intelligent. It is all PERCEPTION. Not truth necessarily. It is your view and your judgment. Perhaps the next girl will think he is brilliant and a good catch.
I don't think I would want to be with a person like you.
What truly counts is somebody's heart.
How can you ever give this person a fair shake if you continue to hold onto this one prejudice? He is behind the eight ball and you have already deemed him as unworthy of being more than your interpretation of him.
If he can carry on a good and stimulating conversation with you and you can both laugh with each other and have fun together, this is what really counts.
If you won't give him a chance, then move on.
He needs to find somebody who is a little more fun and free and non judgmental.
What makes you think YOU are all that?
Why don't you try to focus on having fun with him? Enjoying his company?
If you can't, it is best you move on to someone else. And let him move on to someone else who thinks he is brilliant and fun and a good person to be with. Trust me, there will be someone else for him.
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A
male
reader, happylife +, writes (8 January 2015):
Prejudice or not, the point is that the fact that he does not have a higher education does bother you. Therefore, lets address that fact. It's never a good thing to be in a relationship where you look down on your partner. This is much worse when the person being looked down is a man because God created man to have a great need for respect. If you can't treat your man with respect and make him feel respected and admired, you will always have fights in your relationship. Therefore, no matter what, if you can't turn the ship around and begin to respect him then you will need to move on and find someone that you can respect.
Secondly, there is nothing wrong with you!!! This is just the way you are. There is no need to try to change the way you are. We are imperfect beings and looking down on a person with lesser education is just your imperfection. I think you will have better luck and a better marriage if you settle with someone that you can naturally respect than if you challenge yourself to appreciate a quality that goes against the way you are. For some people they can't be with a spouse that isn't fit, others can't be with a spouse that isn't a Christian, some can't be with a spouse that doesn't have a job and etc. So as you can see, we all have our list of demands and it's not fair for you to have to change yourself simply because society would call you a prejudice.
Now if you still want to try to change yourself then the only way to do it is not to force it but to simply give your relationship some time. If he truly has the qualities that you admire besides the education, then given enough time all those qualities will begin to shine brighter to the point that you will not longer think about his lack of education. However, if six months to a year into the relationship you still feel the same way about his lack of higher education then let that be your sign that you may never change. After all you can only be who you are!
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A
female
reader, Pureflame +, writes (8 January 2015):
Ask yourself if it's more important to you- how you are treated or how educated your guy is. While education is very important, it doesn't necessarily make a person a better human.
Owing to your background i really understand how you must feel. I had to go through the same thing once. At that point, i decided that i liked the guy more than my inhibitions of these things :)
Try focusing on the other aspects of his personality. It might help.
Good luck
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (8 January 2015):
Actually you are not as smart as you think.
What are most women looking for in any man??? Let's see... "He's caring, kind and hardworking". So what University course teaches these subject??
What are you looking for? Love..yes...Do you have a University degree to go with that love?? No...So sorry, I can't date you.
Your parents are wrong...To get anywhere in life you have to be alive. Can't do jack if you are dead...no degree needed there. 2nd...A man can have degrees coming out off every hole on his body and still be an ass.
Books give you knowledge...but they do not give you the one thing you are lacking...WISDOM.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2015): if you are already having doubts .. what is the point of forcing your self?
Ok it is a minor thing that he did not go to Uni.... you are aware that it should not be so important to you. Which is good but at the end of the day you already know you will be starting off on the bad foot .
Just find somebody else you actually like
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (8 January 2015):
 Going to university and getting a degree is good and can open many doors in the job world, but it's not everything. Many successful people don't have a university education, and many people who go to university don't end up getting good jobs.
Not going you uni doesn't necessarily mean you're not intelligent. There are all sorts of reason people choose not to go there.
If you find this person is not as intelligent as you and this is an issue for you, then that's completely different and understandable. However, don't judge people too quickly. He may have more common sense than you, or be more practical, or be more organised. These kinds of things can't be learned from a university course.
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