A
female
age
51-59,
*abelNormand
writes:If you want to judge, please stop reading this right now. I need advice, not lectures.I have been married for nearly 20 years now, no kids. I have never felt the need to seek fulfillment elsewhere since me and my husband have been truly happy and solid always. We love each other very much and I see myself growing old with him.Hence I have no idea why I began an affair with a friend of mine. Yes I’ve always had a crush on this man, and I have fantasized about him sexually, but I was under the impression that this attraction was completely unrequited and I did not even think about him reciprocating. I felt no need to get him to respond. Until one evening a few months ago we were all attending a party at his house (he lives in another town with his wife and son) and at night when we were the only ones still up and talking, he suddenly became very flirty, and at some point I grabbed him and kissed him. We spent the next hour or so just kissing. Afterwards we did not discuss it, I thought we just had too much wine and the whole thing should be forgotten. But a few weeks later when I met him and we went out, it was just the two of us again at the end of the night. He was house-sitting for a friend and wanted to check that everything was okay (at that point I think we both knew what was going to happen) so we went there. We barely closed the door when clothes came flying off and we made love all night and all morning. The next day I was so ashamed of being a cheater but even more ashamed of admitting to myself that I didn’t really regret it; that I felt love, not just desire. I think I had been in love with him the whole time, but it had been a safe fantasy as I had a good husband, and I had always just assumed my friend had no interest in me as a woman. I had of course loved him as a good friend, but now everything had changed.After I returned home and tried to deal with the turmoil of guilt and yearning in my head, I received a message from him, where he simply said ”I love you too.” After that it became a full-blown affair, with secret encounters, love letters, phone calls, hours of late night chats. And it has remained like this to this day.I still don’t know why this has happened. Do we want a life together? I have no idea. We have always been very close as friends so obviously we have a strong connection, we have great conversations, loads of mutual interests and so on. But it tears me up that we have done this to our spouses. I never planned for any of this to happen. We have been avoiding ”the talk” so far, trying to ignore the fact that this is insane, dangerous and unfair – I have the rational part of me in control at times, but when I am with him, it all goes out the window. I feel so good with him. (And yes, the sexual part of our relationship is amazing. I have never had such intense sexual chemistry with anyone. It is as if I have just now fully discovered my sexuality. I find myself loving things I never tried or liked before. For example I love going down on him and him doing it to me though I was never really keen on oral either way , I would do it sometimes, but now I initiate it and dream of it. He has given me my very first g-spot orgasms. I enjoy everything with him, and he enjoys everything with me. Our lovemaking is always wild, incredibly satisfying and orgastic. We do a lot of cybering too, and when he sends me a naughty message like ”just thinking of you makes me so hard” it arouses me.But he is not just a good lover; he has always been a trusted friend, very supportive, always very sweet and caring. And I know he loves me deeply, as a friend as well as a man. And I do believe that he is just as confused and torn as I am. I don’t know what to do. There are days when I promise myself I will break it off. Then I hear his voice or receive a message and I just melt. I do love this man. But I don’t want to leave my husband because I love him too. And I really really want to stop hurting him and my lover’s wife.I really don’t know what to do. Please help. Thank you for reading.
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affair, crush, flirt, g-spot, kissing, orgasm Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonem  +, writes (20 August 2016):
 Firstly, to be married for 20 years is a really longtime. Your husband had the best part of your years.
Now, let me say this. I am not an advocate of cheating or being cheated upon but I do not believe the human was wire to be a life term partner to any being. Marriage which most people don't realize is not really about love or sweet feelings all the time, it's really about endurance.
Whoever created marriage? It seems not to be working nowadays. I don't know what you will decide. I won't tell you to leave your husband. I think you should end it with your MR. Spice up your sex with your husband.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2016): No,telling him isn't for your benefit. It's to come clean to him,and give him the chance to exert a choice.A choice that you are keeping him away from making because you are afraid he will leave you.
You have this idealized image of how things should be (your one and only) but that's not the reality. You have deceived your one and only, and if you have any respect for him, you would tell him. I can hardly believe your follow-up response but it clearly shows you really don't hold your husband in any esteem at all.
It really is that simple.
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (18 August 2016):
 You fall in that category of very selfish and self centred women I have met in past.What do you mean him not knowing you're cheating and exposing him to what health and emotional risks is not in his best interests?So you wanna scratch your itch and get the best of both worlds till you no longer find it attractive. Then go home and kiss your husband like "the loving faithful" wife that you are?Honestly I don't know why you are here asking for advice yet you know what you want, and don't care to do what is right!
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (17 August 2016):
I had written out a long reply 2 days ago but my internet stopped working. Basically I mentioned a few things, that since the sex is good with this married man, why dont you apply whatever you do to your own marriage? Try the things that have been known to work such as massages, sharing bath/showers, date night once a week or fortnight or even getting in a takeaway once a week with a nice bottle of wine/drink.
It is obvious that you will be caught if this continues. In fact one of your spouses could be suspicious right now. People who suspect something are very good at hiding it until they know for definite and by then there is no going back.
Affairs are not reality, that is why they are exciting. But if he left his wife and child, and you left your husband, would you ever be able to trust him? Someone who cheats with you will definitely cheat on you, remember that.
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A
female
reader, MabelNormand +, writes (17 August 2016):
MabelNormand is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your replies. (just to clarify a couple of misunderstandings: I don't have any kids. And I am financially independent.)You are all making very good points here and I really did not expect to be cuddled and pitied, so the harsh responds are natural and also preferred.I know I need to wake the f**k up. This affair has been going on for 6 months now. It's a long time to lead a double life.I understand that most of you do not believe that my husband is important to me. But it truly is not that simple. These things happen without obvious reasons too.It justifies nothing, but I really did not ever imagine sharing my life with anyone else. for me getting married meant forever and ever with my one and only.I ruined that, yes. But I want to fix it.And I am not going to tell him anything yet. That would be only for my benefit to unload my guilt. Not in his best interest. At least not yet.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (16 August 2016):
 If you really wanted to stop - you would - but you don't - sorry that is the reality of the situation.
I know you didn't want lectures but bear with me here...
You need to cut off all contact with this man and I mean ALL contact - then sit your husband down and confess EVERYTHING. Give your husband the choice as to whether he still wants to be married to you. Give your husband ALL details he requires - be totally open and transparent.
Get yourself into an IC programme that deals with infidelity.
You need to tell your lovers wife what has happened - I am sure she already suspects something and has been lied to time and time again - she deserves the truth and then she can make the choice of whether she wants to remain married to a liar and a cheat.
Your lovemaking /sneaking around is arousing and exciting because it is just that - sneaking around - secrecy that is what is fuelling the lust - you are doing something illicit with someone who is not your husband.
You are going to have to be very strong to overcome this and if you really want your husband and your marriage you will try your utmost to do the right thing.
Please do not for one moment think that nobody knows about your affair - because they do. It is so easy to read body language when people are together its almost as if you are wearing a neon sign above your head.
Your concern for your husband is touching - and I suspect this is only because he is your Plan B - you know - the guy who you have trashed while having the affair but who has supported you both financially and emotionally without being aware that his wife is cheating on him. You see when Plan A [the affair guy] ditches you - well you just go back to Plan B as if nothing has happened.
You need to rethink what you want in life - and I apologise for being harsh but you are in the process of ruining 2 families - innocent people who did not ask for the pain and suffering this is going to cause them.
I wish you strength regardless of whichever choice you make.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl +, writes (16 August 2016):
If you really wanted to stop - you would - but you don't - sorry that is the reality of the situation.
I know you didn't want lectures but bear with me here...
You need to cut off all contact with this man and I mean ALL contact - then sit your husband down and confess EVERYTHING. Give your husband the choice as to whether he still wants to be married to you. Give your husband ALL details he requires - be totally open and transparent.
Get yourself into an IC programme that deals with infidelity.
You need to tell your lovers wife what has happened - I am sure she already suspects something and has been lied to time and time again - she deserves the truth and then she can make the choice of whether she wants to remain married to a liar and a cheat.
Your lovemaking /sneaking around is arousing and exciting because it is just that - sneaking around - secrecy that is what is fuelling the lust - you are doing something illicit with someone who is not your husband.
You are going to have to be very strong to overcome this and if you really want your husband and your marriage you will try your utmost to do the right thing.
Please do not for one moment think that nobody knows about your affair - because they do. It is so easy to read body language when people are together its almost as if you are wearing a neon sign above your head.
Your concern for your husband is touching - and I suspect this is only because he is your Plan B - you know - the guy who you have trashed while having the affair but who has supported you both financially and emotionally without being aware that his wife is cheating on him. You see when Plan A [the affair guy] ditches you - well you just go back to Plan B as if nothing has happened.
You need to rethink what you want in life - and I apologise for being harsh but you are in the process of ruining 2 families - innocent people who did not ask for the pain and suffering this is going to cause them.
I wish you strength regardless of whichever choice you make.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2016): The simple answer to your question is you need to stop, take yourself away from the situation (and lover) and evaluate things away from all the sexual excitement and newness of the situation.You need clarity and distance from this guy before you can evaluate your own actions and plan for what happens next.Right now, your sexual desire and lust are just too strong and can well be mistaken for deep love.I have to say this (distance) won't necessarily change your feelings for him but may well tame them enough for you to be more rational.I think before having "the talk", you need to first know what you want. If you go into the talk unprepared, you're going to be right back where you started. I can predict right now that any talk from both of you to stop the affair will fail in action. So please, give yourself some distance.One thing is for certain: you can't have both men and secondly, you may end up with neither if you continue down this path.Your husband, your lover's wife and his son deserve better.I think you like your husband as a companion, and the familiarity of the situation. You are too afraid to upset the status quo and it's easier to claim you love your husband too to deal with the guilt. However, you're just comfortable with the situation, and in reality, are not in love with your husband.Good luck...stop the encounters, stay strong and do the right thing.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (15 August 2016):
 So many marry for comfort and security. But in the end, they cheat for passion and desire and wild amazing sexask yourself what kind of person you want to be? I think if you love him, you should seriously consider ending your marriage and enter a more passionate relationship with this man or vice versa.yes you can have your cake and eat it too but your husband should as well. My reasoning is you had the affair on spot and you were thrust into all these feelings you didn't know you could have with someoneIf you end the affair, you'll miss him and the sex and oral and love letter, the teenage love high that you're consumed with. You'll crave him if it ends. We will miss comfort but our heart breaks when passion ends. Be carefulIf you were okay with the affair , you wouldn't be on here asking this questions so it shows us you have some moral grounds or want to gain some moral perspective cause of your guilt.If you wanted to stop you can. Cheating is a choice. you initiated the kiss and kept things going. You are completely liable for the affair that happened and if you wanted to stop, you can. Its completely up to youYou're not the victims, your husband and lover's wife is. remember that and you have my compassion but I will say this. This affair is your doing. And You can end it. Or you can end your marriage and be with the friend. Just know, you can end and start whatever you want. Its always been up to you darlingGood luck
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A
male
reader, Dodds +, writes (15 August 2016):
If you genuinely felt love for your husband as you say this wouldn't be happening. I don't know what positive advice we can give you at this point. You haven't told us how long the affair has gone on as that can help us accurately share our thoughts on your "sexcapades".
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (15 August 2016):
Well first of all you need to have that "talk". I'm sure it's amazing and everything, but you really need to know where this is heading. If it's just amazing cuz of the secrecy and the excitement of getting together. If it's not just this change that is causing the excitement, and as you say, you love each other, you need to make a choice. And quick. If you don't want to leave your husband. You have to stop the affair, no matter how good it might feel. If you can't do that, you have to leave your husband and kids. And I will only suggest you doing that if he is really in love with you enough for him to do the same. I would strongly suggest that, before you have anymore encounters with him, you should really talk to him. Do not engage in any more activities till you know where this is going, as it will only add to your guilt. Because from then on, either way, someday soon you will have to talk to your husband about this as well. Stop the affair and figure it out first, for your sake, your family's and also your lover's family's sake. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2016): Isn't it ironic how those who cause this much pain and destruction to innocent partners and children are still able to paint themselves as somehow out of control and unable to stop?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2016): No offence here, but I don't imagine you will get a lot of sympathy here.There is NO future in what you are doing. He WON'T leave his wife for you. And if he was any kind of friend at all, he wouldn't have waited and waited for his moment to get into your pants, regardless of who he hurt to do so.It WILL be found out and IT will destroy the real man in this relationship.You don't love this guy, or your husband. You just like the sex because it is secretive and forbidden and that makes it exciting by nature. It will stop feeling that way once the true consequences show themselves or if you two actually become an official item and have to deal with everyday relationship stuff again.Tell your husband NOW and let him decide if he can find it in his heart to understand what drove you to this childish decision and if he can find it in his heart to forgive and see if there is enough love there to salvage. Or if it is best to just make a clean break and move on with his life and find someone who isn't a cheating skank with a jackass man-whore for a friend.It's HIS decision now. You and your friend already made yours. Now man up and deal with the consequences like an adult.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 August 2016):
 I feel for you, I really do. However, I think you do know what you need to do; you just don't want to go there because it will be the hardest thing you have ever done. Stop and ask yourself this: how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and your husband was the one having a deep passionate affair with one of your friends? Pretty crap, I would imagine. Now ask yourself what will happen when your affair is discovered. What affect will it have on your husband? How will you feel seeing him hurt and devastated? What affect will it have on your lover's wife? And on their son? These are all innocent parties but will not escape unscathed when your affair becomes public knowledge. (Trust me, however careful you are, things can and do go wrong - a friend's lover got caught out by his wife when she found a receipt, when she was taking his gym clothes out of his bag to wash, for a ring he bought his lover.)Will all the fall-out be worth your few hours of passion? As I say, I feel for you. I really do. Lust is a very powerful desire.
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