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male
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anonymous
writes: Hey I've been seeing this girl now for about 5 months and have recently moved in with her (quick i kno but if we didnt we would have to break up). I recently read her diary and found somethings that greatly disturbed me and one thing in perticular where she gave some boy a blowjob at a party and said she would have had sex with him. then lastnight then she told me that her first time was with 2 other people in the room. we have spoken about it and agree that we are going to work throught it but it really does bother me and my head get filled with lease imagise of her doing these things.Can anyone give me any advice on how to deal with this? I don't want to split up with her because i truly love her but i need help.
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blow-job, moved in, sex life, split up Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2006): I have to admit, that I've done this too. I don't feel good about it. I only did this after I caught her cheating. She said that she'd stop and I moved ahead and trusted her. A year later, she was back at it again. This time I learned of this after she suspiciously started hiding her diary. I'm trying to trust her now, but it's really difficult not to want to read her diary. I know that I have a tendancy to build up my own demon induced worst case scenarios and that she writes things simply to try them out litteraly first, but she's a married woman playing spin the bottle with a married man.
A
female
reader, Green_Eyes +, writes (10 September 2006):
 Reading a diary is forgiveable - let's be honest, it's human nature to be intrigued by others.
But, please remember, a diary is a representation of the past - and that's where it should stay - in a closed book, written in indelible ink. Indelible because it cannot be changed no matter how much you want it to be.
Your girlfriend's past has made her who she is today - each experience has led to her becoming the woman you love. And, on the positive side, her having had other partners will have given her a much clearer idea of what she really wants in a man.
As for the images going round your head, give it time & the initial 'shock' of finding these things out will subside. Don't punish her for her past - move on & work on the present.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2006): Her past is just that...the past. Ever thought to stop and think that she has grown up and wishes for a committed, adult relationship?
Forgive her and let it go. Everytime you are tempted to think up and create those forbidden images of her, take out a picture of her and list the reasons why you love her.
Her past and her decisions have brought her to the place she is now; in love with you and being all that you could hope for.
Look for the good; focus on why she is amazing.
Perhaps see a counsellor as well.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, Tine  +, writes (8 September 2006):
 first of all you asked for this, you have completely invaded her privacy and truth is, if you ever done that on me it would end the realtionship, so i say dont tel her what you know. A girls diary is like her best friend, its someone who she can pour her heart out to at the best and worst of times and it is completely private - period! She trusts you enough to let this diary lie about the house so you should respect her enough not to touch it. Secondly this is her past, hence the word past. Forget about this, if this is the way she got on when you weren't together then theres nothing much that you can do about it. You can't turn back time. Go i say get on with your relationship, its obviously a healthy one if your happy living together. So let it be, and move on.
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (8 September 2006):
 Anonymous,
Excuse me, but what really matters is not her past when you weren't even involved with her, but that you dove straight into her personal life by reading her diary! I find that more disturbing than a girl exploring her sexuality - which is, in fact, completely normal/acceptable as opposed to snooping around as you did.
Now, to get over the feelings that you have brought upon yourself by snooping, you really need to work this out *yourself*. She shouldn't have to comfort you for doing something in her past which she had every right to do, by the way. If you keep pestering her about your problem then it's going to drive her (and you) absolutly mad.
What you need to do is start focusing on the now and why she is with you. Were you snooping through her diary because you felt there was a trust issue? If so, you need to address that with her. Find out what's causing it. Try to patch up the relationship. Go out, have fun, spend time together, move forward.
If she is with you now that's because she finds you to be more special than anyone in her present or past. That's what matters most and that's what you've got to keep telling yourself. Those other people don't matter. Be happy with what you have, don't try to find faults in it. Be open with each other and share thoughts and feelings. Without communication and trust, the relationship is bound to fail.
Focus on the now. Focus on the positive. Focus on the both of you (and not anyone else!). Good luck and take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2006): Reading her diaries was disrespectful of you. You are allowing your fears and suspicions to drive this relationship. You claim to love her? When you have a good. solid relationship, you really have three things. Love, respect and trust. These you must have completely and totally. Anything less and you don’t have love at all. For you to open her diaries, you didn't trust her nor did you respect her. So I have say here, you don't love her, dear (maybe an intense infatuation, but not love) because when we love someone, we accept them as is, irregardless. When you maturely and honestly love someone, you love for the inner qualities they have, which connect with you. Let me say this too, hun--you can't make her into the fantasy of the girl you want. You need to get that in perspective. Her past is her own history..not yours. We don't allow our egos and hurt feelings get the best of us. So many males feel they should've been the first one to have the wild past and not their gf's. So how do you deal with this? You buck up and get the strength to forget and move ahead with her...or you let her go. It's your choice. If you do stick this out with her...a change of attitude on your part is definitely required. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2006): well serves you righ young man u should neve have looked in her diary, but who knows it could be a TEST for you, to see if she can trust u..............u failed if it was.
Please dont do this again, lets to it being a test for you and it to the back oh mind or let it eat u up talk to her about it and u cold end up loseing her!
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A
female
reader, jn +, writes (8 September 2006):
 Jealousy is the number one thing that is going to kill your relationship faster than any thing. You need to trust and respect her. You can't hold some ones past against them. If you live in the past you will never have a future. If you are feeling like this only 5 months into the relationship its sure to be a TOXIC one.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (8 September 2006):
 I'm curious about the statement "I recently read her diary". Did she hand it to you to read, or were you prying about? A diary is a sacred journal of one's innermost feelings. . . and meant to be read by the writer, ONLY. Not for nosy boyfriends.
Who knows, you could have been reading about her fantasy life. Anyway, you got your hand in the cookie jar, and it was full of maggots. So, live with it, and don't blame her. If you can't get the idea of her giving head to other guys out of your head, then you need to move on.
She probably doesn't need a snoop for a boyfriend anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2006): Well everyone has got a history, but don't you think reading someone's diary is an invasion of their privacy, unless she let you read it herself? I'm surprised she wasn't cross at you because of this. I know this probably has upset you, but what you must consider is that all these things happenend well before you started a relationship with her. It's not as though she is cheating on you. I understand that you love her and it's only natural that you feel a little insecure/jealous over this. It used to upset me too when my bf talked about his past, and it used to upset him when I talked about mine. My only advice to you is try and put these thoughts into the back of your mind and focus on the relationship that you have together now. I'm sure you've done things in your life which you are not proud of, we all all have and we wouldn't be human otherwise. Sadly no one is perfect. Don't let your insecurities ruin an otherwise good relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2006): Reading her diary, naughty naughty! I bet you won't be doing that again(!)
I think to an extent it can be normal to be disturbed by your girlfriends sexual history, particularly if you are either new at relationships and girls or if you are sexually more conservative yourself. (e.g. if you have not had girls giving you blowjobs at parties, or had sex with other people in the room) If the later is true, you will probably find what she had done very disturbing - and you may always feel this way)
It might be that you come to "accept" this, but, you may not, it all depends on what your views towards sex, and women are. Do you feel you respect her less now? Or is it more that you feel insecure that she has had these sexual experiences with other men, and not you? These are the questions that point to whether or not this will ruin the relationship or not.
To have a successful relationship you have to accept someones past, you can't go on finding it disturbing because those thoughts will eat away at the feelings you have for her. That would be unfair on you, and certainly unfair on her. A successful relationship also usually means having compatible views about sexual mortality and also similar experiences to do with sex in the past, all this makes for a meeting of equals that can be based on respect and nonjudgement.
Perhaps, in a way, this is good what has happened. Or would you prefer to have not known what has really happened in her past?
Talking about each others sexual pasts involves having a lost of trust and openness in the relationship; many couples can't even do it. If though you can be honest, and open, and both accept each other as you have been in the past, and how you are now, then you have the potential to be a really close emotionally and intimately couple.
Good luck pal. PS maybe this thread will help you:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-cant-i-get-my-gfs-past-sex-life-out-of-my-head.html
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