A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My bf has done the disappearing act on me. He dumped me about two weeks ago but then wanted me back. He dumped me cause he's unsure what he wants. However he didn't contact me for for a few days and I asked " are we still together?".. He replied "I need time to think".. I sent a text which I regret sending, saying " I guess I know the answer, tc".. He never responded.. So I kept texting like a silly maniac saying things like " don't give up on us, I don't wanna lose you, what going on with us".. He didnt reply for two days and I still kept messaging. Then he sent me a text on Wednesday saying " I'm busy with work lets chat another time, maybe next we".. I said " ok, I guess were friends .. Ill leave you to it".. I hadn't text until today were I sent him 3 messages (which I regret): 1st message : hey how are u? 2nd message: no ones ever that busy that they can't reply to someone they care about.Take care3rd message: guess u want space or u hate me that much u don't wanna talk to me again, hope ur ok, leave u to it I know I've messaged way too much! It's all my fault and have probably driven him away with my constant messaging. Will I ever hear from him again? Should I do the no contact rule? Is it really over? I'm really heartbroken and I think that's were the constant text messaging had come from. Out of sheer desperation to get him to tell me how he feels but he doesn't respond. What should I do? I feel like an idiot sending all those texts and he's probably thinking " I don't wanna be with someone annoying". How do I rectify the situation? I'd appreciate any advice.
View related questions:
heartbroken, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): hey Daisy,
thank you. your right! I really appreciate your advice. You've been right about all of it.
I am going no contact for myself and heal. I know things will get better. He probably doesnt want to really be friends and only said that so i stopped texting.
I have one last question, do you think i'll ever hear from him again? I dont want him back but im just curious if he will contact me.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (8 April 2013):
 Sorry you got that response. It doesn't mean he didn't ever love you. Don't think that. The dumper always moves on quicker than the one being dumped, I know it hurts.
Moving on takes time and patience. You will get over it, but start off with stopping all contact now.
I know he has said about being friends, but I doubt he really means it, and anyway it's not a good idea while you still have feelings for him (it is much better to have a clean break).
Heartbreak is horrible and you have my utmost sympathy. Spend time with your friends, do nice things, be nice to yourself and be patient. At some point, hopefully sooner rather than later, you'll look back and realise that this guy wasn't right for you anyway. To be honest I don't like the sound of him!
Take care of yourself x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): Thank you Daisy. I got a response, he said "its over lets just be friends"...i said "ok"...how do i move on?..I dont understand how he could get over me this quickly?.. i guess he never really loved me...should i just try and forget about him?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): I understand what you are feeling. You can not think clearly at the moment, because you are in a state of desperation. So listen to what we are telling... DO NOT CONTACT HIM AGAIN. You don't need to 'think' anymore about whether or not to contact him. You are starting to make yourself look desperate, instead, you need to show some class and self control... and let him go. One of the cruelest and most disrespectful things a person can do...is what he has just done to you. You do not want to be with a guy like that. He is not good enough for you. He has done the disappearing act, and what that shows, is the sort of guy he is. If he was a caring kind guy, that you deserve to be with, he would have replied to you, and he would have explained himself to you, instead of hurting you and leaving you not knowing what is going on. I suggest you do not allow people like that in your life. Decide now, that it is not acceptable to you, for a person to ignore TWO of your texts... then never text them again, unless they have an amazing explanation for you. I only ever allow a person ONE text... if they don't reply, I do not text again until they do...but that's just what works for me. I know you are hurting, and you may hurt for quite some time, but this guy is one of 'those guys that disappeared' and that shows he is NOT the one for you..... and there IS someone out there, who will love you so much, they will NEVER let you go. Let this guy go, and wait for Mr Right to come into your life.... he won't ever treat you like that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (7 April 2013):
I know that you would like to hear from him but he has stated it clearly in his actions. He's just too cowardly to tell you directly. Maybe he feels he said it all when he dumped you.
Don't question him further - you'll end up regretting it; looking like you're begging. Move forward with dignity intact.
No contact really means no contact, frustrating and hard as it is. Just take it one day at a time. Don't contact him today. When tomorrow comes, don't contact him. Etc etc, until realise one day that you don't even want to contact him.
He's not such a prize, you'll realise that once you're over the worst of the heartbreak.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): Thank u for all your advice! I really appreciate it.. I feel like I really need closure... But I'm getting no response from him, even if he doesn't want me I would like him to state it clearly.. Should I not question him further? And just accept I will get no answer. - it's been 5 days since I've heard from him
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (7 April 2013):
p.s. I don't think you chased him away with texting. It probably didn't help, but don't forget he'd already dumped you. Don't be hard on yourself. X
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (7 April 2013):
It's OK that you said you hate not knowing where you stand in your last text. That's honest and fair - he should have told you clearly where you stand (that the relationship is actually over).
Give it a while with no contact - when your feelings for this guy have died down a bit, I think you'll find there are nicer people to be friends with than him! People who care for you and respect you, for example.
Sorry you're having a hard time. Good luck with moving on, and don't be tempted to look him up on Facebook or ask friends about him, because it makes moving on much harder and slower.
Don't beat yourself up about the texts either. You sent them because he was being wishy washy and you wanted to know where you stand. Time to accept he's not the one for you and move on x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): **Update**I sent one last text saying " sorry for my constant texts and being an annoying ass lately, I guess I hate not knowing were I stand, I'm here if u ever need me as friends, I know ur busy with work and I respect that. Tc" I have deleted his number and am trying to forget about it all now and move on.Have I done the right thing? Will he atleast be friends with me?
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (7 April 2013):
Unfortunately I think he has already dumped you, or is 90% there. Texting him like you are doing is just going to reinforce any negative feelings he has for you. Rather than letting him miss you, you're bugging him.
Delete his number so you can't initiate contact. Go silent. If he's really just having "time to think" he'll miss you more and think better of you if you leave him alone. Who knows, he might decide he wants to get back with you, but if he does, make sure you sort out what was wrong in the first place and don't be a doormat.
In the meantime, going no contact (again, just delete his number!) gives you some control back, it will also allow you to clear your head and start moving on with dignity. Getting over the heartbreak will take time but you'll be OK, I promise.
Don't even send one last text - you've said you'll leave him to it. That's it, end of conversation. Delete number.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 April 2013):
 Yes, your doubts are natural. And legitimate. " I need to think " can be the truth OR can be a very common, time-honoured technique to fade away from a relationship with the less possible fuss. Many people choose the passive- aggressive way - they aren't afraid to step on the dog's tail, but they are afraid to hear the dog wail.
YET, you'll have to grin and bear, because, as you have seen yourself, pestering and insisting and fretting does not bring any possible result, in fact it's an encouragement for the other person to dig their heels even more, and become even more elusive , out of guilt.
In other words, if you trust him and you think he's telling you the truth when he says that he does not know what he wants and needs to find it out, then you have to give him space, and the time, freedom and peace of mind to weigh all the pros and cons and come up with a pressure-free decision. If you suspect he is bullshitting you and stringing you along... well, I am afraid it is extremely possible, but by begging and accusing and besieging him you are making it easier for him, you are serving him on a silver tray the official excuse that he needed, and that he could not find, to say that you are not compatible as a couple : " See ? We can't be together. You are too clingy, too needy, too emotional, you don't give me space when I need it ".
So what to do ? Declare your own closure, when it's gonna be. Think how much would it be for you a reasonable time to " think it over " if you were in his shoes, if you were the one to have doubts : one week, two ? More ?... Decide, as objectively as possible, what feels reasonable in the case of a person that needs to make an important decision, and does not want to rush things BUT ALSO does not want to take advantage of the partner's patience and devotion, and stick to that term. If it comes and goes with no news, realize that you have met your first - and hopefully last - Mr. Passive Aggressive, and MOVE ON.
I know it feels like a defeat, if you are going to be dumped you want at least to take him by his neck and shake the answer out of him, right ? But, it's not a defeat, it's a show of strength ,class, and dignity. If he is really ,honestly reflecting about the future of your relationship, that will impress him favourably. If he is just taking the coward's way out, he's made out his mind already , he's just too chicken to tell you, and a show of despair will just push him into hiding even more, and let you angry, frustrated and humiliated. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): **Update questions** - UK 1/1/1989What if I never hear from him again? what if he forgets about me during the no contact? What if the " I need to think" is a subtle exit statement out of the relationship? I dunno what to think, I'm annoyed with myself for the constant messagesThank you both for your answers!
...............................
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (7 April 2013):
 Back off, give him the space that he wants and when he is ready he will come to you.
I know as a woman, you are compelled to know what is going on and what your man is thinking, but men are different creatures and they like they're own reflective time and to not be bombarded with a million messages when they want to be left alone.
I did the same thing with my first boyfriend and that blew up in my face. My second and final boyfriend (fiance) is a lot more understanding and is very open about communication. I can say whatever, whenever even if my foot does live in my mouth.
Leave him alone, let him think and when he is ready, he will come to you. If you have to give your phone to someone for them to hold on to it so you don't text him, do that.
I had to.
Good luck!!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Vonne +, writes (7 April 2013):
Omg I did the same thing with my ex , my ex told me the same thing "I need time to think" then he says he's to busy, I said no ones that busy it only take a min to reply back. A few days later he broke up with me because I texted him so much when he told me he needed space.... So don't make the same mistake as I did I regret losing him and sending those messages ... When a guy say he need space just give him space to think and once you do give him space to think he will come to you with a answer I promise you. It will b along time tho I'm telling you :)
...............................
|
