A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey all, Last November I met a guy through mutual friends. I liked him a lot from the moment we met and felt the feeling was mutual. We never hung out alone, just occasionally saw each other when we were out. I had heard rumors that he had a girlfriend. At a New Years Eve party, he was trying to hook up with me. I asked him point blank and he said he didn't have a girlfriend. He is on a sports team at my college and when I asked our mutual friends from the team, none of them gave me a straight forward answer. A few weeks ago, I ran into him at the bar and he bought me a drink. We got to talking and he distinctly said him and his girlfriend had broken up. I had no reason to not believe him so we ended up hooking up that night. Fast forward to this week: he texted me making sure I was going out Friday night and he promised he would see me. When I got to the bar he told me he had to get something off his chest. He told me he was still dating his girlfriend but they were having problems and were on a break. I felt a little unsure about it but he said he was leaning towards not getting back with her. He kept telling me how much he truly liked me and wishes he had met me first. So I ended up bringing him home with me again last night.Today, he came clean and admitted not only was he still dating her (going on 3 years!), they weren't technically on a break. He said that she is coming into town in a few days to spend the next 4 weeks with him! He said they're using the time to figure out what to do with their relationship. He basically told me flat out that regardless of their decision he wants to keep hooking up with me but he can't talk to me for a whole month while she's there.Obviously this guy is no good and I know the saying that if he cheats with you he will cheat on you. However, I am having a hard time moving on. I had liked him for awhile and him telling me how much he liked me/wanted to be with me made me feel attached to him. I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore and I deleted his number.He kept saying he doesn't want me to hate him and doesn't want me to listen to my friend's advice that he's a bad guy and I shouldn't talk to him anymore. I don't understand that even though I know he's a player/sneaky/liar, I can't seem to get him out of my head. I know a relationship with him wouldn't work out because our hometowns are so far away and I am graduating in a few weeks and he isn't.I feel like I had been sucked into believing he was a single guy who liked me for me but I feel like I was just used for sex. It hurts and I feel bad about myself even though I didn't know the truth beforehand. I know this may seem silly and that I should just "get over it" but any advice would truly be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): I have to say Cindy's advice was exceptional.
I used to love women like you OP when I was sleeping around on the hunt.
You'd be surprized how many are around. Absolutely loved the idea that I was a bad boy player, knew that I was and best of all didn't care as long as I was willing to tell them what they wanted to hear. As long as I said the words they could then justify sleeping with me to themselves on the basis that when I do kick them out the next morning it's not their fault I'm just a liar and an asshole.
You wouldn't believe how great that feels as that guy to have that much power over the pussy, it was great.
Women just lie to themselves, lie to their logical thoughts and convince themselves to go with their animal attraction for me.
Best of all, just like you they hate defeat, they hated the idea that I couldn't be won over and it hurt their ego so much they just gave me as much sex as I wanted no matter how stupid it made them feel. That sex generally was very passionate and/or angry because they either had a point to prove or to prove their worth.
I enjoyed every minute of that OP and have no regrets at all, why? Because it was their own fault. I got what I wanted they should have ensured I could give them what they wanted back before they opened their legs.
Don't feel bad OP, you're young these things happen. There are just guys like me around who you lose control over, allow us to boss you and give in to your desires with. Because frankly OP what we do is the most obvious thing in the world if you just step back and examine things.
I have no doubt he'll pay you a visit before you graduate and I have no doubt you'll be very accommodating. This ends when he says it does not you, your mind will just lose control to your own desires again and it will convince you to go against your better judgement.
It's easy not to get used OP. The hardest part of it is to stop your brain convincing you it'll be worth it. That's what we play off. I know no matter how vehement a woman is about not sleeping with me again, if I can get her face to face she'll be in my bed in a few hours.
I never tried to split up friends that advised them otherwise though, I wasn't that much of a douche. Besides only an amateur like your guy doesn't know how to reverse that back in a positive way that works way better regaining trust, just enough to part those pins. Much better to tell them that they should listen to their friends, they sound like good people that care etc. because by doing so you let them think there's a softer side to you too for saying those things, that you're caring and nice deep down just like they've been telling their friends who said those things.
Only an amateur would try to battle friends directly, bad mouth them or become defensive, you only confirm what the friend has been saying.
OP he has you in the palm of his hand so just sit back and wait for his next call.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): I agree with Cindy Cares. I don't think you missed the signs, I think you ignored them.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 April 2013):
 I flat out adore CindyCares, for she has the patience I seem to have misplaced tonight. :)
You're looking for advice? You already know the answer!
Chalk this one up to the idiot move you vow never to speak about again. Don't beat yourself up...just drop the idiot!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 April 2013):
 You will not appreciate mine, I'm sure, because I am not going to offer you tea and sympathy. I can't.
We have to be honest , and the first person we have to be honest is ourselves. You are telling lies to yourself, and switching all on the guy ( who anyway is a shady character, no doubt about that ) the responsibility ( responsibility, not fault - ) for what happened.
Like : " I had no reason to not believe him ". Oh yes you did . He had told you that he had NO gf at the NYE party when he was tryng to hook up. He said NO girlfriend, not " I am on a break " or " I have just broken up ". I am not nitpicking, it does make a relevant conceptual difference, that amounts to a lie. So, why you chose to believe to someone who had alreday lied to you, or , at least, about whose credibility you already had doubts ??
Wishful thinking. You wanted things to go in a certain way, and rather than waiting to be SURE there were the conditions for things to go in a certain way, you went ahead.
Then, you meet him in a bar, " he's on a break " , he wants to hook up, you comply. Why ? A guy " on a break " is not a free single guy. You don't know how long the break is going to last, you don't know the rules of the brek ( is he allowed to hook up with other people during the break ), you don't know that they are NOT going back together after the break, nevertheless .. you go ahead and bring him home.
The signals were there, you just omitted to pay attention.
You can't exactly complain that you made a bad deal when you omit to read the clauses in fine print too.
I may sound harsh to you, but it's only in the attempt to spare you many trials-and - errors, which become unnnecessary when you learn a basic concept : people that wants something from you will say what promotes their interest, which not necessarily coincides with yours. If you don't want to be used for sex- then make SURE there aren't the conditions for you to be used. Make sure the guy is single, make sure he is reliable and trustworthy, and ( I would add, but that's just me ) make sure that all his " like " and " attraction " means more than some random hook up when he's got some time to kill.
If you are not sure- no sex . You'll have much less sexual experiences , alas, - bit also much less disappointments, scams and humiliations.
I think you can move on faster, if you see this experience as a great occasion to transform the disappointment and victimization to look within yourself and ask yourself some hard questions. Maybe there is something you need to work on. Like, what makes you get " attached " to a guy who did not particularly do anything much for you, just because he can bother to tell you a couple of sweet words ? Is validation so important to you, why it is so important, and does it have to come only from sexual conquests/ male attention ? Why were you so anxioius to "seal the deal ", were you afraid that, if you had waited until his status had become crystal-clear, he was going to get tired of you and change his mind ? ( which , yes, in this case would have happened... but , it would not have been a big loss ! ) And so on and so forth.
You can learn much from this episode , and the lesson is not " He was a scumbag who seduced me and abandoned me "- that's just the first superficial layer, if you have the nerve to go deeper you can find out lots of things about yourself, your wants, needs, the way you express them, the way you go about to get what you want... and be reasonably sure that you won't have to reepat this experience with other men.
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