A
female
age
51-59,
*67530nine
writes:My husband isn't interested in having sex with me and my frustration is turning into anger. I don't know what to do or how not to feel angry and disappointed. Our sex life was great when we dating which made me even more attracted to him. We've been married for seven and a half years, and since the first or second year of our marriage, my husband became in disinterested in having sex. About every two plus years we will have sex and his reasons the times in between range from that he isn't in the mood, needs to take a shower, doesn't feel close or attracted to me, but he loves me and ask that I be patient that all couples go through highs and lows. I offer to give him head and he says thank you, but maybe later, but later doesn't come. The older I am becoming the more my sex drive has grown as well as my frustration to not getting any. I just turned 43 and we haven't had sex since my 40th birthday. Is this normal? I just don't get it! I think I'm an attractive woman. I try to take care of myself physically and eat healthy. I'm 5 foot, 8 inches, athletic, a size 6 and successful professionally.If he were attracted to me when he married me, why isn't he now? This rejection used to make me feel sad, unattractive, but now it makes me angry that he is being so selfish. I honestly want my marriage to work and have asked him to go to counselling. He won't. He doesn't feel a counsellor can fix our problems, or make him want to have sex with me or in general. I am considering going by myself if for no other reason to understand my feelings surrounding this. Please tell me if other couples go through these long dry spells or if I'm fooling myself this will ever change.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): I am not discounting the fact that he may have issues, I am simply presenting the opposing argument.I'm a man in a similar age group and fit your description perfectly. I am not gay, addicted to porn or seeing other women on the side and "it" works just fine. In my case it is not about her looks, her job, her diet or anything like that.What has changed since you last had sex? Is it possible he feels discouraged, disappointed or tremendously let down by you? Has he hinted that he would like to move on or that you should? How is his professional life? Friends?In my case, it was the fact that something else made her "tick". Having sex or anything else with her seemed meaningless since her "prime directive" was never "us". For me, it felt like I would be providing happiness that would simply be channeled elsewhere. It just lost its meaning.I asked her to leave 3 times but she kept returning with the promise that things would be different. They never changed.Again, just sharing the flip side. I'm not implying that any of this applies to you.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (7 April 2013):
 Something is clearly off with your husband. Normally men are the ones who complain about their wives neglecting them. The fact that you have been turned down repeatedly for 3 years means your husband is avoiding you.
Here are some potential things (again just total hunches):
1) He is gay or cheating. He may be getting it on the side or is no longer attracted to women.
2) Is he into porn? Perhaps he is getting himself off so much to the point he has no interest in it anymore. You may want to check your computer or his smartphone to look for evidence.
3) He may be low in testosterone and therefore his sex drive is nothing. He could have problems with achieving and maintaining an erection and doesn't want to admit it to you. If he has gained weight or significantly altered his appearance (for the worst) he could be afraid to show you his changes.
4) Having hit 40, you have reached a milestone. Perhaps he is no longer attracted to you (or to women over 40 in general).
5) Have you tried seducing him? Meaning you get dressed up, light some candles, go on a date and set the mood? Have you tried not taking "no" for an answer?
If I were you, I'd come out and express your frustrations to him. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you didn't get married to live a life of celibacy. If there is something that you need to be doing, you are open to the idea, but you have to let him no how much his lack of physical attention has hurt you. Close by asking him "How can we make this work for the both of us?"
Yes, I do agree that a therapist might help. However, I would encourage you to have an open dialog with your husband first. Listen to what he says and don't settle for excuses.
Eddie
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): No sex for at least 3 years, and no real understanding why on your part. This is a major problem and based on your post, there are more questions than answers. Even if he was communicating with you more, it's hard to imagine a legitimate reason for this dilemma. He seems not only disinterested in intimacy with you, but actively avoids it. There are all the obvious questions: is he cheating? is he gay? does he have some medical reason he's not telling you about? Without more information, you will not be able to get to the bottom of this. If this is the only area of marriage that is suffering, then you need to sound the alarm to him and let him know that this is a crisis for your marriage. Let him know that counseling may be the only hope for staying happily married. Good luck. You seem like a nice person, and you deserve better.
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