A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i just broken up with my ex bf for 5yrs.then i met a man who made me happy.im at first we met on friendster and said he was single.he lied..he is married. We are madly in love with each other.he told me that he will divorce his wife. I pressured him to divorce his wife. He said he is having a hard time because his wife doesnt want to divorce him.his wife only wants a higher alimony. Now i have not heard from him 2 weeks already. Im worried
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 December 2010):
 I think you need to let it go. I know you want some sort of closure, but that is not something you get every time a relationship is over. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. All you can do is look back at what it was and learn from it.
1. if a guy turns out to be married - walk away.
2. If he lies to you, in order to get you interested, walk away. If he lies about that... who KNOWS what else he is lying about? If his lips are moving....
3. Don't just listen to a guys words, look at his actions, do they match? He said he loved you, but his ACTIONS showed he didn't care much.
I agree with Caringuy, that his wife could have giving him an ultimatum. Her & the family or you. He chose HER. He SHOULD have had the balls to call you and tell you, but obviously, he isn't thinking about you, he is thinking about HIMSELF.
Also I like to point out, that if you have a married couple and ONE of them wants out, wants a divorce, the other one don't get a say. They can't VETO a divorce. If he wanted out, he would have filed for separation a long time ago.
And ANYONE can look up nice legal terms to toss out there.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): I think you should listen to caringguy. He gave you some great advice. I agree with him 100%. This guy's wife found out about the affair and gave him an ultimatum and now he's trying to patch his marriage up. That's why you're not hearing from him. And yes, he's a liar and a cheater and always will be.
You just can't accept the obvious about this guy, because you care about him. He made you feel good, made you feel like you're in love, and you wanted to believe the things he said. So you're not thinking logically about him right now. But someday you'll see the truth about him.
As for the anonymous poster who suggested that he has something major going on. Right! And I have land in Alaska to sell you. And I would not contact him if I were you. He knows where you are. If he still wants you, he'll contact you.
The best thing you can do right now is get out and date other guys.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): maybe he had a medical emergency or got in a car accident or something and has been in the hospital all this time??
or maybe he had a family member who had the emergency and is with them??
I just want to suggest that sometimes it helps to take a step back and realize that not everything that happens is all about YOU or your relationship. Do not assume that his world revolves around you or your relationship.
If the curiosity is killing you - and I don't blame you since it would kill me too - then just call or e-mail and leave a message to ask what's up? You don't have to get all emotional or state any agenda that could scare him away if indeed his silence is indeed related to your relationship. Just say something like "hey haven't heard from you in awhile, just wondering if you're still alive?" Keep it lighthearted and casual, no strings attached..don't be all "what's going on? I miss you, why haven't you called???" ..cos that will surely scare someone away IF the silence was because of something in your relationship.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (30 November 2010):
I suspect that this wife has given him an ultimatum. She'll have said to him that the only way she'll stay is if he cuts contact. And that's what he did. He chose her, and didn't say goodbye because she prevented him from doing that. Whether he contacts you again is another thing. But you have to realize that even if he does, he will still be a liar. If he left his wife, that would be different. But he hasn't, and won't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto caringuy why didnt he just left me a message to say that he is sorry that he already is choosing his wife etc.. Why did he just stopped contacting me.. I think i deserve some explanation from him. I will try to move on i know i can find better single men out there but its hard knowing that he have not left a message to say goodbye or whatsoever.. I cant understand.. Will he still contact me again?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 November 2010):
He's a liar, that's all there is to it. He's not trapped, or kept in a cage. He chose to cheat on this wife. He has now chosen to go back to her. He can walk away any time he likes, even if she is dragging it out. He can go get all the papers ready. He can move out.
But he hasn't. Instead, he spent all that time blaming her, then cut contact with you. And that's all there is to it. He cut contact with you, end of. There are no excuses for his behaviour, and all that stuff that he said was a lie. The fact is, you were lied to you, and he went back to his wife. Because if he loved you that much, even with his wife dragging it out, he would have left.
I am a man, I know how we think, I know how we lie. And there is nothing at all that you have mention that showed he loved you. All of it is a lie, because when it really came down to it, he went back to her. He's gone back to his wife, and that's it. you need to move on, and you must stop making excuses for him. He's just a cheat, and he successful lied to you and his wife.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto caringuy and honeypie.. He knows for himself that he lied.and he is sorry for all his lies.he said i didnt deserve to be hurt. Added facts..when he went back to his home he spent time with his kid.but to his wife he was strange.he told me that he already told his wife that he wanted to have a divorce. They are always fighting.he already talked to a lawyer he told me.i believed him so because his story about legal matters were all from a lawyer.not from a laymans point of view. But his wife wont divorce her because his wife wants higher spousal support when they get divorced in the future.. i think his wife is just dragging their marriage years to have a higher spousal support alimony. His wife never cared.. What do you think in the situation?maybe he is just confused?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 November 2010):
I'm afraid I agree with Honeypie. Everything he has done is typical of a cheating, lying man. You have no idea whether he is telling the truth about his wife. You don't know her. Chances are she's a very nice lady. But you know that this man has lied to you, and to his wife and child. I don't believe that his wife is using the child as a pawn. She could do better by divorcing him if she wanted to. And he could get a good lawyer. It's all just a cover.
At the end of it, he's a man who is cheating on his wife and child. And he has now ditched you. That says it all.
He is a liar, and a cheat, and that's all there is to it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 November 2010):
The whole "Woe is me" and my wife don't love me.. is very typical cheater "hook liners". I mean REALLY? this is not the 1940's. Not THAT many men will stay for the sake of their child. And with a good lawyer she can't rip him off totally. Even so, if he truly loved you, he wouldn't have used you for months to have an emotional affair.
Of course he parting words were " I love yous" That is always a good way to keep someone hooked.
I think you need to look at the situation again. You don't know the wife, except from what he told you. You know he is a liar, so why would anything he told you about her be the truth? Wake up, honey.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your honest answers.. i just want make a follow up.these are the almost complete facts of my story, well we talked on the cellphne for 2 hrs everynight..we lived at different cities. for 6 months he always called me.we shared some happy moments and jokes together.then he will tell stories about his unhappy marriage.his wife is uncaring. And only needs money when he retires.his wife doesnt want to divorce him and using his child as a pawn to have him a hard time. I was only a listener from his stories. Then i fell in love with him.because he is so vulnerable. He also said he loves me because he found real love. I showed him real love care and trust. Now we after months of talking on the phne we decided to meet up. When we first met it was friendly and lovely.no sex. We enjoyed each others company. then months passed we decided to meet again.then we are in love so passionately.until the time cme he have to go back to his hometown for a new deplymnet in work. It was sad for me and him. Because it means he have to go back to his wiife and kid. He promised that he will come back for me. Assured me that he will divocrce his wife. We continued chatting.until his wife found out that he has been chatting with me online. He was so mad at his wife. i was also hurt. Bec. His wife sent me pictures that they were together i said you need to divorce your wife. I will be reaally hurt if you wont. He said he is having a hard time time with his marriage and work. He ssaid he loves me that was his last message to me. Now i havent heard from him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): it does seem that he isn't ready to leave his wife. However, I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that you mean nothing to him at all or that he truly wants to stay in his marriage after all. A person who truly valued their marriage would not have cheated in the first place. Lots of people stay in marriages and relationships they don't want to out of guilt. He could truly want to be with you but just staying with his wife out of guilt. That is not a good reason for him to stay married, sooner or later that kind of marriage will fall apart or both parties live out the rest of their lives in misery. However only if he realizes this for himself will he leave his wife.
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A
female
reader, Longhornfan81 +, writes (29 November 2010):
Don't let people bully you into thinking about you destroying a marriage--if it wasn't you, then it would have been someone else. Just remember people like to point the finger and he doesn't sound trust worthy. If he hasn't contacted you in two weeks, its because he wants your whole situation to disappear. Learn from your mistakes and move on.
You could get stalker crazy, but that doesn't sound worth it........
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 November 2010):
To be perfectly honest with you, I think he's out looking for a new "mistress", he obviously have no intentions of divorcing his wife.
My advice.. STOP dating married guys.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): You made this karma yourself You're are getting what goes around comes around How does it feel being in his wife's shoes Stop destroying marriages Find your own!
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A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (29 November 2010):
 You cant expect him to give up his family for you.the reason he lied in the 1st place mayb because he wanted a 'casual chat partner', he then told u hes marie coz he didnt want u to be so atached to him.just take this 2weeks of No Contact as the end of 'it'...alow yoself sometime to heal, then move on.goodluck
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 November 2010):
Exactly what the others said. I'm afraid this relationship was built upon a cruel lie, and you became a part of that lie. I'm glad you pressured him into leaving though - it showed he never would. He doesn't love you, I'm afraid, and he most certainly won't be contacting you again for anything serious. He never had any intention of leaving, and he never will.
You need to make sure you never have contact with this married man again. You've been had, just like nearly all the other women who get involved with married men.
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A
male
reader, PM  +, writes (29 November 2010):
 A relationship founded on false pretense - meaning deception at a fundamental level - usually is very difficult to maintain. His saying that he was single when he was married is not a good sign because if he he was serious about leaving his wife, he would have already done so and would have told you that he was separated/divorced and not single.
My advice to you is to ask yourself how much you really know about this man. He lied to you about his marital status, what else may he have done that with? What do you truly know about him?
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (29 November 2010):
 Why would you want to start your life with a man that lie and is married? One day you will be the married woman and he will do it to you. I believe you are heartbroken from your ex and this is a rebound relationship to help you forget. I don't think this relationship is love. You head is playing tricks on you. Since you haven't heard from him. Take it as a sign. Move on and think again why you are attracted to men who are unavailable.
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A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (29 November 2010):
 He is lying to you because if he wanted a divorce he can still get it even if his wife fights it. He obviously only wanted you when this was an affair but your probably changing the game and he is not liking it so he is keeping his distance. Don't waste your time with a married man they never leave their wives, and the ones that do will end up cheating on their lovers turned wives, because most of the time they don't change.
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A
female
reader, Crazygirl20 +, writes (29 November 2010):
I agree, this man will never leave his wife for you and he has told you this, the reason that he hasnt contacted you in two weeks is because hes a coward and he's not really bothered. Move on, there are loads of guys who would love a woman like you so get out there and enjoy being single and the right guy will come along, one who will respect u and make u happy because this guy doesnt. He isnt worth it, forget about him, you deserve better!!!
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (29 November 2010):
 Don't believe everything you are told! The relationship started out with a lie. That should tell you something right there!
How does one build a healthy relationship on lies and deception. Doesn't that tell you something about his character. He presented himself as someone he was not....single. He deceived his wife and was unfaithful to her. Now he tells you his wife won't divorce him....how can you believe anything hie says? Haven't heard from in two weeks??? Doesn't sound to me like someone who is madly in love!
Wake up Honey! Pay attention to the red flags! This man cannot be trusted.
If you press a man to leave his wife for you....you will become the wife...he will do the same thing to you.
Move on and find someone who is available. You are setting the stage for pain and suffering...not only for you but all who are involved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): Why would you pressure a man into leaving his wife? If he wanted to leave her he would've left her without your pressuring him. You should be worried.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2010): You may not hear from him again. Even if you do, he won't divorce his wife. He was just looking for a good time. He's not in love with you. He's in lust with you. And would you really want a cheater anyway. Think about that. If he'd cheat on her, he'd cheat on you too.
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