A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I cheated I came clean and now my husband has walked out on me! I'm so sad I regret it so much I know I'm not innocent I made a big mistake but I want him back! I wish I could turn back time and never played this stupid game I'm hurting and I'm desperate! I know I did wrong I violated his trust but now how I'm I supposed to be without him! I just can't see a way out of this one, I need my husband back I will never never never again do anything like this but I want him back! I played with fire and I got burned! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for asking we are doing great, my husband is acting lovable, sweet, and very kind he has not thrown anything in my face. I am deeply grateful he has given me another opportunity and I will not screw up again. I really think I have learned from my mistakes and will not take my husband for granted ever again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): howz the reconciliation going?
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (21 April 2010):
 Congratulations and good luck to you both.
Learn from this experience......
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): I'm happy for you! Expect to be absolutely out in the open, and to have him questioning you with everything. You are lucky to have such a strong bond with your husband! He is a very big person to be able to forgive. Don't forget what you've got again! Congratulations on the reconciliation!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update** My husband is moving back into our home! I'm so happy I know I have a lot of making up to do, but I am just so happy!!
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female
reader, LoveGirl  +, writes (8 April 2010):
To the last male 'domo' spot on. Too many loose ends her, perhaps some half truths, some deliberate ommissions. If the OP wants proper advice and guidance then time to come clean and start speaking some solid facts. Details darling, details.this makes a difference.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy sexual orientation is not in question I did not post a question asking for help because I'm confuse. I know what and who I want that is all that matters to me. I am aware that I mess up I know that I played with fired and got burned. I'm probably going to have to pay for this mistake the rest of my life. I asked for advise because I cheated, I broke our vows and I want him back. Was this done because I was bi-curious or because I actually held an affair for 5 years like you said, if you actually took the time to read my last post it should have answered your question.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010): When I wrote '*ick" I was testing you. In all your responses you never identified who/what your lover was. I remembered another post where the wife had a lesbian affair and had to tell her hb that she had 5 year affair bec her girlfriend threatened to tell him.(Or something very similar) I think it was very remiss of you not to divulge that you had an affair with another woman. Yes cheating is cheating but cheating with a same sex partner compounds everything. I think your hb needs to get some professional counselling, I am sure he will always Wonder whether you will not stray. You too need to uderstand your sexual orientation- maybe you are so panicked bec you cannot come to terms of having an affair with a woman.puts a whole new twist on things.......
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010): Sounds like your husband is a good man giving you his time and giving you an opportunity to speak after you cheated describes a man with good quality. Next time thinktwice before you act. Think on your actions you came really close to losing your husband for being unfaithful don't do it again. I am sure you have learned your lesson but always remember your history so you don't repeat it again. *Maybe your husband is upset because you did a girl and didn't invite him to join, could have been his fantasy*
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (6 April 2010):
This woman has admitted she screwed up and not only told us her whole story but continues to follow up with us. She has taken a lot of abuse here, some rightfully so... but again, she admits complete wrong doing and sees the mistake she made. Will she ever do it again? That's up to her, but it sounds like she sees the wrong in what she did. At this point I don't see any reason to continue bashing her. If her husband is willing to at least talk to her then I say good for both of them.
Good luck with your marriage. It sounds like you already know this but I will remind you one more time:
- you screwed up so he shouldn't trust your. You should spend the rest of your life trying to earn that trust back and NEVER feel upset at him for not trusting you fully... even if it's 10 years from now.
With enough honesty from you there is a definite chance for happiness, but BE HONEST.
Good luck to you both...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have cheated I know, I came clean my husband did not catch me in any act, My husband is giving me another chance and I'm grateful for it, I never posted if I cheated with another man or another women because the point was I cheated, but NO I did not have the taste of another mans *ICK and no I did not have sex with another man. I cheated yes and I deeply regretted it. I do know who I love and who I want to be with it was more like experiment that should have never occurred. I know I have to gain my husbands trust and he is the one I have to talk too, I value everyone's advise but will ignore the ones that just judge me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2010): You are getting a second chance. Do not Fxxx it up by cheating again. Check yourself and your hb for stds. Advise him to go to the doctor as well. Plse do not fool yourself: as the cheater you are NOT suffering more. You made a deliberate decision to have sex with another man who was not your hb. So stop alluding to more in pain than your hb. PLEASE it is very easy to answer: your hb is suffering more than you. I think if you admit this first then you have some chance to make this work. Remember you have the taste of another man's *ick - your hb is aware of this so he will be very weary of trusting you again. You will have to prove for the rest of your life that you can keep to one man I.e your hb. I am very curious: for how long did you conduct your affair?
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (6 April 2010):
 That is great and I hope that everything will end in the positive.Accept whatever comes your way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for taking your time and giving me advise I just wanted to post an update My husband called me and wants to meet me! He said we might still be able to make it work and wants to see me! I know I messed up bad but I'm happy/relief to know he wants to give me another chance.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): You've been given a lot of good advice. I just have two comments:
#1 - If you & he are to have a future, you both need to view this as starting over. You are no longer the woman he was married to before. That woman was incapable of cheating on him. Now you're offering him a slightly different woman who is capable of cheating on him and you hope he'll be willing to take that risk. He will have to decide if he wants this new woman or not.
#2 - Don't go hop in bed with other men right now. It will make you feel better momentarily but worse soon afterwards. If your husband hears about it he'll just be that much more repulsed. He may have said "it's over" and he may want it to be over. But trust me, he has not emotionally finished with you yet. Not by a long shot. If you hook up with other men now it may be technically not cheating but it will eventually inflict the same emotional pain on him as if it was.
I would also give your husband the same advice not to go out and screw any other women impulsively right now. You both oughtta take some time before messing with any others even if you think it really is over for keeps.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 April 2010):
 I don't think it's a hard question at all. You CHOSE to cheat, whether you try to sugar coat with being blinded or not, you at least were aware of the situation he on the other hand had the rug pulled out from underneath him so he had no time to brace himself for the fall. Definitely more painful.
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reader, Laura1318 +, writes (1 April 2010):
It isn't the problem along the way that make us or break us. It's how we learn to stand and face them that makes the difference.
Don't wallow in your self pity. Stand up , don't stop, keep walking ahead and don't look back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for all your advises, The truth is that I genuinely miss my husband,I hurt him, I broke our vows and deserves this pain that I now feel. All I can do is give him time to listen and forgive me if he chooses too. As of now he is not answering my calls, he pushed me out the door when I tried talking to him and when he slam the door in my face I realize This is probably really over it hurts it hurts really bad. I hope one day he forgives me! To the comment as who hurts more the cheater or the person being cheated on, its very hard to answer cause I hurt now but I cause this pain; he hurts but I also cause his pain, really hard question.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2010): I am baffled by your emotional upheaval. what did you think he was going to do when he found out- take you in his arms and say 'its ok, doesn't matter you messed up our lives,I still love you and we will work it out'. Did it ever occur to you that he would leave you when it was revealed you had broken your marriage vows. What does your lover sauy about your unfolding drama? Are u still in contact with him. You are right- this is a mess. Where is your hubby staying. How long has he gone. Are u missing him as a person or missing his financial resources and what he brings. What does your kids say? I really really feel your situation. A while ago a cheated spouse asked this question on DC: who feels more pain? The person doing/who did the cheating or the cheated on spouse. This is a hard question.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2010): OP instead of trying to convince us that you have changed and that you have learnt from your affair, you should tell your husband how you feel and hoe you will change, what you will do to make your marriage work. I am sure kids are involved too. What are their ages? How long did your affair last? Was it with the same man or different men. Was it your friend/ his friend/ work colleague. Did you defile your home with your lover? Is your lover married? His kids? These are the tyope of questions you should be prepared to answer. If all else fails well what is good gor the goose is even better for a gander.....so, tell your hb that he is entitled to indulge in sexual gratification with a woman of his choice,(this can carry on for the duration of your own affair) in this way your hb gets his own revenge and then marriage counselling. But you know you would not want him to have some enjoyment on the side. What I have suggested is more blatant nonsense and not the answer to your marital woes. You may end up finding out that your hb would not seek your approval when he decides to stray.how will it all end
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): hey you it's me again, That's why I told you to only pay attention to the positive and helpful advise forget the negative comments. I think you are being sincere and made a mistake and deserves an opportunity to change with or without your husband. Some people will take it to the heart because this probably happened to them and they are scorn by it, maybe they did not forgive their unfaithful partners and expect everyone to follow their steps but not everyone is the same. You should work hard to get your husband back I pray he forgives you and if you truly love him don't give up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have no excuse I'm not looking for one! I know I did wrong I expect the worst outcome to come from this. My tears of drama like you called them are sincere, I should have thought of a lot things yes I know I hurt my husband, I committed adultery, I destroyed my marriage I am getting punish for my mistakes I accept that. But Mrs anonymous don't try to read me and pretend you know exactly what I'm feeling or thinking. I do love my husband I know I hinder my relationship and my marriage But I do love my husband my actions might say differently because I mess up I mess up big time but I do admire, respect, and love my husband. I accept any criticism because I do deserve it for being an awful and unfaithful wife but my tears and my remorse are genuine.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): Oh god,
Why people forget that they will escape the consequences of their actions and reactions. It was to happen any day yoiu knew it when you cheated.
So now, i would disagree that you start being on your own and find new guy to get old back. This trick will never work with Mens. It will take out any chance of getting him back, i am sure, because it will prove to him that you are not women who can be trusted by him.
I feel you need to only show your remorse and try to show that you would never do it again. He will come back after some time, if luck is there with youi.
One thing - i need to all humans t hat trust once broken can never be built to same level in any relationship. so do not break it under the wishes and aspirations and carrying away kind of thoughts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): Hey you I've read all the comments and read what you re-posted, I truly believe that people make mistakes and can learn from their mistakes. I would only listen to good advise the ones that would help you out in this time that you need a shoulder. The I told you so, or this is what happens is not needed, because what is done is done right, I hope you learned from your past. I'm not here to judge you, hopefully I'll be able to give you a helping hand and a good advise. Talk to your husband be patient and understanding, if he decision is not to return to you that is his right respect it, give him time to heal because you hurt him deeply and take that into consideration if he can't forgive you, in that case you move on and let him find happiness. Good luck think positive and please whatever the outcome I hope you learned from it. Sometimes-- Time is the best medicine.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): I know you are now terrified of losing your hb and marriage. Instead of crying those big drama filled tears ask yourself a few hard questions: where was your so called love for your faithful hb when [you were with the other man? --Moderator toned down the language]. If you honestly say that you were thinking about your faithful hb during your sexual encounters then by all means try to win him back. Life is not like those erotiv loving wives tales where the cuckold hb settles as sloppy seconds. You have hurt your hb, betrayed him, humiliated him, basically destroyed him. Was that few hours of illicit sex worth the destruction of your marriage. How do you face your friends and loved ones after this. If you love him as you now claim then learn to be unselfish and RELEASE him. It is sad that now you realise that he is something special. For the future when you move on, when issues start in a relationship instead of [having sex with --Moderator edit] another man THINK of the consequences of your actions first. I know you feel I am being nasty and crude but you messed up a good thing. Maybe one day your story may save a marriage. Right now you need to walk this traumatic road. I really wish you didn't have to BUT..... Stop playing the grieving wife. Use this to better yourself as a person and to turn your life around. The sad truth is sometimes we do not get a second chance.......good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): I'm not going to chew on you, your here for advise, give him time hopefully your husband finds it in his heart to forgive you, but you are right its up to him and all you have to do is try. Don't give up when and if he gives you the time talk to him ask for forgiveness be sincere. Please learn from this experience don't fall in the once a cheater always cheater category and I really hope he gives you the time and listen to you. Best of Luck!!!
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 March 2010):
Just remember, you got blinded but he got blindsided, big difference in my book.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (31 March 2010):
Pick up what is left and build yourself a new life. Don't cry over spilt milk.
If he wants you back , he will come for you . All you can do now is to wait for him to heal , to forgive and to take you back.
Nothing you say or do now will move him. Let time do the job of healing him first.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (31 March 2010):
So write him a letter and tell him all that. Maybe it will make a difference.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSometimes you get blinded and don't see that what you are looking for you have at home. Do I regret it I really do, Do I want him back yes I really do. I felt distance and neglected by my husband and I took the wrong route I know I should have talked to him and express how I felt. I don't want it to be over but its not up to me and I feel hopeless. I have hurt him, I have shamed him, and I have disappointed him, he has every right not to speak to me ever again. I know I deserve whats I have coming. I betrayed his trust my husband use to be so proud of me and said I handle myself with class and it hurts to know he probably now thinks of me as trash. I am sorry for what I have done I've destroyed our home.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 March 2010):
Then you have some serious begging to do. I've been cheated on, and no way would I give a second chance.
1 - Ask yourself why you cheated. You need to understand it before you can do anything.
2 - Write a letter to him explaining how you feel and that you screwed up and would just like to talk if nothing else.
If that doesn't work, then it's over. And that's it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): Honestly- WHY did you cheat? And would you forgive your husband for this if the tables were turned? (Assuming you had not already done the same yourself).
And... do you think that he SHOUlD forgive you? -And why?
I'm not trying to judge, but to encourage to think through how and why you ended up in this situation. -And what would be a fair outcome?
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female
reader, jada101 +, writes (30 March 2010):
 Well he can for give you but trust when I say he will never forget. Even if he does for give you things will never be the same. I look at it like this it was over when you started cheating.
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reader, TimmD +, writes (30 March 2010):
Agreed, eyeswideopen. The worst part is that these people are more upset about THEIR loss. I think the #1 thing they should be worried about is their spouses feelings being hurt.
Anyway, to the poster.... I'm sorry. I know you're hurt now, and I know you are feeling regret... but your title says it all. You played with fire and you got burned. You can beg for forgiveness from your husband, but it's his choice to make. If he chooses not to trust you again then you MUST respect that. A word of advice... stop worrying about yourself so much. That is what got you into trouble. Put HIM first. Even if that means he doesn't want to see you.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): really, you should have asked this question before you were unfaithful. Personally I see cheating as unforgivable, and the end of a realtionship. However, not all people feel that way.
He may forgive you, and I hope he does. In the meantime search within your self and determine WHY you cheated. It was most likely not for purely physical purposes. Some insight about yourself and your relationship may help you fix what you have done.
Cheating is a symptom of something much deeper. I hope you can put your finger on the bigger issue, nd work with your hsband to focus on fixing it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): wait till your husband has calm down and then try talking to him, I don't really know what to say you did break that contract. If you really regret it than try hard very hard for your husband forgiveness but just realize that now you are playing his game and is totally up to him to take you back or not. That's what happens when you play with fire, I feel you and hope everything turns out okay and if he does forgive you think twice before you act don't do anything that might hurt you marriage again. Good luck!
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 March 2010):
I'm going to save this post and show it to the next person who comes on here wondering whether they should cheat on their partner for "the love of their life" or the one I hate the most their "soulmate". At least your mistake may help prevent others from duplicating it.
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