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female
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*issyJ
writes:This has been bothering me for a very long time now, but im very jealous and insecure of my boyfriend's sexual past. He has been with 17 other girls, and just before we got together slept with an older woman (we are 20 she was 40+) this is what bothers me more than anything as she wasnt even all that.... he says he regrets it, and to be fair most of his conquests have been whilst drunk, but i simply dont know how to get over it all :( he says that he "messed around a lot and wants to settle down" and i cant decide whether its a good thing that hes got it all out the way and grown up or whether its gross that hes slept with that many people? My insecurities havent been helped by the fact he had an intrusive ex at the start of our relationship and the "older woman" claimed (via his ex getting involved) that we were together when it happened, but obviously as his psycho ex was involved and putting out dates i refused to believe it. Me and my bf are great in every other way, we have amazing sex and get on most of the time and this is the only issue bothering me. its been stressing me for nearly a year now and ive lost a lot of weight worrying about it (im a worrier anyway !) and it can be the basis of a lot of rows we have (although i dont tel him i blame other things for my anger :( ) he hasnt really done anything else for me to not trust him or anything and I know its wrong to go on about it as past is past but i could really do with some help and advice on how to tackle this horribly jealous problem as im down all the time over it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2011): I understand you completly! Just to think that the man of your dreams is sharing that so intimate moment with someone else. In my case, I was the virgin and he had he's past. He has told me of some, but of the rest he hides it from me because he says he knows i'll get jealous and start asking:"and did you love her?, did you like it?, was she better than me?, what this and that" Now it doesn't bothers me because we have been together now for a lot of time and so, he's an excellent boyfriend and i know he loves me and i feel much more confident thinking that if he loses me, he'll regret it because of how my love for him is so pure and magical. plus, he know woman like me are so, so hard to find. ;)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): The way you feel about your boyfriend's past is completely normal and natural, and in fact, is not exclusive to women, men feel this way about their partner's pasts too. The only difference being, men have been brought up to bury their emotions so your boyfriend will probably find it a lot easier to block such thoughts out of his brain and is well-trained at avoiding bringing the issue up or asking you any questions about it.
Women, i've noticed, or maybe it's just me, even if we know it will bother us, don't stop ourselves from asking detailed questions or even just allowing our minds to wander into imaginary bedrooms and watch our partners having sex with fantasy strangers in our imaginations... i think we just like to torture ourselves, and i find that in the past, i've asked for details because i think 'well it can't be any worse than i'm imagining'. The point is, we don't have to imagine it, and that's probably the only way to deal with this issue, since this society that we live in considers it acceptable for people to choose who they sleep with, whether or not they have known their chosen sexual partners for longer than 5mins. And, this is the thing, it is far easier to push the thoughts out of your head when you don't know anything about them. I find it bothers me a lot less who my bf or previous partners have slept with if i don't know their names, for instance, or what they looked like (or where it happened, what acts were carried out, etc). In fact, the less i know about it the better, because then i can't imagine it.
Having said that, this isn't really a rule that should be followed to the letter. A few months ago i was having major issues coping with a 'threesome' that my boyfriend mentioned having when we first began to get into a relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together 9 months but met about 4 or 5 years ago but he decided he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I was pretty fucked up thinking about him having sex with two girls during this time that he knew he really should have been with me, the girl of his dreams, so finally after a week of losing sleep and getting angry and imagining horrible stuff, i confronted him and told him how i felt. Turns out, it had been before he'd even met me, when he was still a teenager (we are both 24 now) and it was a clothes-on drunken fumble that barely went past first base. Now, if it had been a full-on naked threesome with all the trimmings i doubt me probing would have left me feeling the way it did, but i'm just saying, if you share your feelings honestly with your bf, you might find he feels the same way about you and your past (as my bf did when i mentioned that i'd 'almost' had an MMF threesome but didn't which is one reason why i resented that he had... he got totally fucked up about it for about 5mins until he realised it was only an 'almost' threesome, not a real one, and then felt awful that i'd been feeling that way for a whole week!). And if he does feel the same way, or even if he doesn't, he'll hopefully be understanding and tell you something that totally puts your mind at ease, for example that even after all that sex, none of it compares to the sex he has with you, someone he loves, or that he's been out there and seen a lot of what other women have to offer, which makes him even more sure that you are the one for him... that kinda thing.
For all my boyfriend's sexual past, ok, so he didn't have that threesome but he has slept with groupies when he was in a band (erck, i have slept with a lot of people, the same amount of him but i have never had a one night stand!) i am 100% sure that he would never, ever cheat on me, he says he never even is attracted to other women (i don't think he'd need to lie cos i've told him i'm attracted to other men and other bfs i've had have admitted they'll still find other women attractive).
Besides, if you've ever had casual sex you'll know that the connection that two people can have with each other can't hold a candle at the kind of connection that two people in a relationship have. many a time i've found myself in a strange man's bed (not that strange, remember, never a one night stand!) and found myself feeling jealous of the feelings he still has for his ex or the feelings that he has for some girl he's in love with but won't even look twice at him...and i'll have just slept with him! and i still feel this way! casual sex is a way for people to fill the emptiness they have in their love lives... so many times i've gotten into a deep conversation with a man i've just had sex with about other people we're both still crazy about! it means a lot less than you imagine, and it definately shouldn't be put into the same category as the sex you have with your boyfriend, i don't think they should both be called the same name!
One is sex, the other is making love (although sometimes my bf and i prefer to fuck!). There. Hope you feel better.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010): I am in the same situation - my boyfriend has slept with 15 other girls, mostly one night stands or two month girlfriends, whereas I've only had sex with three people including him, all of whom I've loved.
It hurts me really badly to think that he doesn't disapprove of his past. He tells me he doesn't dislike it because he's learned from it. I don't see that he has, and have no idea why he can't see that its really kind of gross. It's hard not to think about, I completely agree. Whenever you make some reference to a sexual question or story, your mind wanders to think if your lover has done it before with someone else. Basically, you feel just don't feel special. Someone's gotten everything you get before you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): If your feelings about the importance of choosing sexual partners don't match his, then this is a plain old compatibility problem. Take it for what it's worth. Maybe you can look past it or maybe you can't.
Either way I don't think you need to apologize or put yourself down for having a problem with his behavior. If you've lived by different rules then it's understandable that you don't feel great about sharing yourself with someone like him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): Relax.I was dating a pro basketball player and even though i never asked about his sexual past,i know he had slept with a lot of women,most of them being groupies.somethings are better kept unknown,or they really hurt.try to let go of that thought,it will only ruin ur relationship in the long run.Just remember,never ask a man about his sexual past.
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