A
female
age
51-59,
*sItMe!
writes:I hope you can help. I really need to know if I am being practical. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. When we were dating, I saw a successful, hard-working man. I did not marry him for money, I make my own. But I admired his work ethics. In being married for this long, and seeing my friends husbands pay for almost everything for them, I get my feelings hurt because I pay for everything myself. I pay my car payment- insurance-cell bill- there are plenty more but you get the picture. I also pay for 1/2 the mortgage (like a renter!) and I pay for electric,water,gas,cable,phone- too! I'm NOT asking him to pay for everything- but I want my husband to take care of me a little. Does this make any sense? Other wives seem to respect their husbands far more than I do- and I say (to myself)"Well if I felt like he took care of me, at all, I think I would respect him more. He was married before- I asked him once if she worked or helped out with the bills, and he said No, I paid it all. Gee.. what happened to me? Im his wife, I want to feel loved and feel special, like he takes care of me, and then I wouldn't feel so resentful towards him. But I do. I'm always mad. I feel like Im the husband! I feel like I took on a huge responsibility. How do I explain the way I feel without hurting his ego? I am living paycheck to paycheck and I shouldn't have to- I make good money. I also have seen a huge decline in his work ethic- he is slacking at work, and it shows in his income. I'm just tired of being the man- I want to feel like a woman again- nurtured and cared for. He took care of his first wife. What made her more special than me?
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female
reader, thesmartwife +, writes (13 September 2012):
Well, it certainly sounds like you are very hardworking and I can definately understand why you are feeling the way you do.
It is also very strange that he hasn't tried harder to help more even after he had an affair.
I am sorry to say this, but you created this monster. By you being superwoman, you allow him to be miniature man. He has way to little responsibility in the home. You have to make this man see just how important you are to the running and sustainng of this household. I know having children makes it harder.
There are three things that you need to start doing to make your husband start pulling more weight and seeing you as a lover and not just the person that helps take care of the house, children and bills.
1.You must do less housework, running and directing of what needs to be done. Allow the household to go into disarray for a week or 2 and see if it bothers him or if he picks up the slack. Take the time away from doing these things to go and and do something for yourself.
2. Start an affair with yourself. Fall in love with you again. Do what you want, like or care to do when you get home. He watches tv and does nothing. You can find what relaxes you after work.
3. Know that the reason for his affair was not you. Let him start seeing you as a woman and not a competitor.
Remember, you took on half of the mortgage, you took on half of everything and the whole of even more. It was you you you and only you can change it.
A
female
reader, IsItMe! +, writes (22 July 2009):
IsItMe! is verified as being by the original poster of the question I agree with all of you, and thank you for your advice. I try not to ever ask the brutal "why don't you take care of me" and try to understand what is going on. It seems the same reasons that he fell in love with me, are the same reasons he resents me. He feels like I am the boss.. Of course I am hurting his pride, I make more money, I DO ALL the house work, and I mean all! We have 3 kids, and I do all the laundry for the entire house, fold,put it away, for everyone. I am also the one who does the yard work, he will occasionally help, but he does such a sloppy, half ass job, I find myself more irritated.(i sound bitchy, but i can't help it) I am on OVERLOAD. Dinner is my job too, along with the kitchen clean-up. HE comes home from work and watches TV. I am always coming home to another job, I never have time to just relax. We have a pool and I have been in twice all summer. Of course I keep up with that too. He just doesn't take the hint. When Im in a bad mood or grumpy, he turns it around like "what's wrong with you now?" I honestly feel like I am taking on more than I am supposed to. As a wife, I would have no problem doing all the home chores, and grocery shopping, handling the kids, school work, etc. BUT doing all that, and then being expected to basically take care of myself- I feel tremendous resentment and anger towards him. Like basically, Why are you here? I might add that he had an affair on me 2 years ago- that was a nightmare- counseling sessions and 4 books later, I moved on. My life was shattered, and since then, I have forgiven, but I will never look at him the same. I honestly don't know how I did it. I think I poured myself into the kids and work. He actually blamed me for the affair. He said I made him feel "un-needed". But he made it that way! I never wanted to be THIS independent. I had to be! I am a strong person but I need to be able to lean on my husband. I think he needs to step it up, and take care of this family financially. He has slacked off thinking that I will PICK UP the slack... and I just can't anymore....
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (22 July 2009):
 I think Cheysula gives some good advice there! I suggest that maybe you let him know how you feel about money in terms of your own paypacket, tell him that you are living from one pay cheque to the next and you are finding it difficult. I'm sure he will want to help you financially - at the moment he probably has no idea that you are struggling and thinks of you as a very independent woman.
Men and women's roles have changed so much in the last 30 years, and men seem to be finding it difficult to know how to treat a woman. Whereas my parents have a good financial agreement (in my opinion) where my dad pays the mortgage + major bills, my mum pays for the food shopping and household things. This is quite a traditional set up but I think it works, women have normally got more duties around the house therefore it seems right for the woman to deal with the household outgoings like food etc.
But today, and in my own experience (living with my ex boyfriend) I had to pay half of everything, even though he earned more than double my salary. I was fresh out of university and in my first job trying to make ends meet, whereas he had been in his well-paid job for over 3 years and had paid lots of his student debt off already. I felt it was totally unfair to be paying half of everything, and to make it all worse he never even took me out much or on holiday or anything like that, whereas with his ex he paid over £1000 to take her to the Caribbean!
So I now believe strongly that men are confused about how to treat women today - if a woman has her own career and is pretty independent then men think "she wants to be treated as an equal" therefore financially they will want to split everything down the middle. If a woman is in a low-skilled, low-paid job (like my ex's last girlfriend, she was working on a reception in a gym) then they feel they need to take care of them and look after them.
This is partly down to women's own doing - we wanted equality in the workplace, we started getting better jobs, better educations etc rather than staying in typically "female" job roles. This has meant that some men (not all) feel threatened by our success and have no idea how to treat a successful woman. They want to treat us like a lady but are afraid to because we might think they are being patronising or not treating us as their equal.
So this is a question of confused gender roles - and I am guessing that your husband's ex probably wasnt anywhere near as successful as you or earnt as much as you therefore that is the reason why your husband treats you differently.
So let him know that you are struggling a little financially, ask if you can review the situation with both of your finances. Tell him that it would make a huge difference to you if he could pay for the mortgage in full and then you will still contribute to the bills etc as you currently do now.
Try not to tell him that you dont feel looked after, and dont mention the ex either. You dont want to put him on the defensive, after all this is a very difficult situation and a hard area to talk about. Just mention you are struggling, ask him if you can sit down and discuss your current financial agreement and see where it goes from there.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, cheysula +, writes (22 July 2009):
I think what made her more 'special' was simply that she wasn't you! A big reason your husband probably fell for you was because you were not the dependent burden on him that his ex-wife was.A good way to approach this would be to let him know that you need him. Do NOT say, "Why don't you pay for anything?" Rather, tell him, "I wish you could help me out more. I have so much stress from living like this." Make him want to nurture you. Make him feel that you NEED him.Obviously, you are a very independent woman. But, as you mentioned, men have egos. He won't want to offer you money/assistance and have you give him the stink eye. He wants to be confident in his lovely, independent wife, who is great by herself but in the end, Needs Her Husband.I'd wager part of the reason his work ethic is slipping is simply because he feels down. He doesn't feel he needs to work hard any more. His wife doesn't need him. He might as well be renting his house. (I assume he's paying the other half of the mortgage; therefore, he's feeling the same way as you!) He can do whatever he wants, and his wife doesn't say anything. As bad as it is for you to feel like the husband, he must be devastated feeling like the wife.Don't be afraid to suck up to his pride; act the little wife and he will be more than happy to act the grand husband.Hope that helps. :)
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