A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don’t know what to do. It all started New Year’s Eve, my husband and I were at his company’s party and I went to grab him another drink. As I was walking back, I saw my husband and one of his employees talking, when I walked up behind my husband (his back was to me), I heard him saying, and I am paraphrasing here: “I love her to death. She is probably the sweetest person I have ever met. She has such a pretty face and an amazing personality. But, I just wish she would get rid of the weight.” and he said something else but I couldn’t really tell. He turned around and he could instantly tell that I had heard what he said, his eyes got big and he looked embarrassed. I wanted to cry right then and there. All I could do was hand him his glass and stand there. He immediately came to my side and tried to get me to talk to him. He kept saying he was so sorry and that he loved me, but my heart was already broken.I am a little overweight, but because I am tall, it really isn’t too noticeable. We have been married for over 2 years now and dated for a year and ½. From the moment he met me, he always told me how great of a girl I am and how amazing my personality is. He does tell me I’m pretty and beautiful, but focuses on my personality more (not that I want to be known for my body or face, but it would be nice every now and then). I don’t feel pretty. He knows how much I was made fun of because of my size when I was younger, I just don’t understand why he would say that, and say it to someone else! A few weeks after the incident, I started working out, and eating healthier. It has helped me some, but I still feel ugly. It is just awkward between us now. He tells me he loves me and he is sorry. I still just don’t know how to approach him. I know that he looks at porn. I hate it. But, I have never stopped him or nagged him. I am his wife, not his mother. I have never denied him sex or anything like that, unless it is an inappropriate time or we have company. I used to enjoy it, now…I just feel like crap. I don’t feel sexy; I don’t know how to be sexy. He told me the other day that he doesn’t even know why he said what he did and that he regrets ever even thinking about it. I have absolutely no idea what to do. Should I just forget about it and let things go back to normal since he did apologize? Should I talk to him? I want to be the best wife I can be. He works so hard and truly is a great guy. This has been the biggest fight we’ve ever had. I just don’t get that if I don’t have the body he wants, why in the world did he want to date me, let alone marry me?! Help please!!! xo***Sorry its kinda long***
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female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (23 February 2013):
 So pleased to hear you guys have sorted things out and that he is willing to support you if you want or need it.I wish you the best for your future and hope it's long and happy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2013): Hi, I had nearly a similar experience a few years ago with a guy I thought I wanted to marry. I broke up with him and later someone told me about a juicer to lose weight so I bought one. I lost 20 pounds rather easily by juicing a few times a day and now I look great. I ran into the guy months later and he commented on how good I looked and wanted to date me again but I have had so many men who complimented me I have had no trouble getting dates. I would say try the juicer, lose the weight and then have a torrid love affair with your husband. I wish you the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys, thanks so much for the advice. It really made me feel better. And you guys are right. After taking a couple breaths, I finally just laid everything out on the table to him this evening. He did admit that what he said was insensitive, especially considering where we were and who he said it to. When I was talking to him, I kept remembering what you all said and it did make me feel better as the conversation went on. I know my husband loves me. He told me that if I still wanted to continue to work out and eat healthy that he would help me and support me as much as he could or as I wanted him to, but only if I wanted. Of course I said I did want to continue. I know that my issues and or fears with my weight won't go away overnight, but I know that I am going to work on them. My husband even said that he was so glad to get his happy and cheerful wife back. A special thank you to So Very Confused. Thank you so much for what you said; you are so sweet! All of you are great and so helpful. Thanks again!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 February 2013):
 DEAR OP,
HUGS to you honey... your pain is so personal and deep and I get it... and we can't take that away for you... you base how you feel about yourself on what OTHERS said and did when you were growing and maturing and this will always color how you feel about yourself. I'm sorry.
I personally don't' think 15 pound over a BMI chart weight is all that much. Especially for a tall woman.
I"m a good 30 over the BMI chart and yet I still am healthy and attractive. (so sayeth my doctors for the naysayers... BMI does not alway indicate health)
what a man watches for porn is not an indication of what he likes/loves in real life... for example... my husband prefers porn stars with long dark hair... I thought that he wanted me to have long dark hair... I started growing my hair out.. and he blew a fit... He likes it on the PORN STARS but on his WIFE that he's with every day he wants it shorter.... I'm so confused.... how can you like long hair on other women...but on me... you want it short... makes no sense to me... makes perfect sense to him.
what they like in real life is not what they like on the screen...
he is not dissatisfied with your weight... YOU are.... and it's hard to separate the two.
I sense that your husband loves and adores you no matter what you weigh.. and maybe he said what he said because he knows it's what you want.
last night as I was getting ready for bed I stopped and got my nightly two squares of chocolate candy... my husband "caught me" (normally he does not pay attention to what I am doing at bedtime) and he said "no wonder you can't lose weight" now if I was overly sensitive about my excess weight I would have taken it as a criticism... but it was not... it was a statement of fact... and it's true... I would love to weigh 140 pounds again (even that puts me in the overweight category but leaves me a bony size 4) but it does not mean that my husband doesn't love me as I am....
we talked about it over the weekend in fact, you were on my mind and I asked him if he minded my weight where I was now... he said no... he would be fine if I lost the weight I wanted to... but only for me not for him.... and I'm betting that is where your husband is... he wants YOU to be happy and love yourself as much as he loves you JUST the WAY YOU ARE....
hugs to you OP...
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2013): OP you put far too much importance on the opinions of others to form your opinion of yourself.
Look I know it's a common female thing to be obsessed by how others view you in terms of appearance (the male version is generally physical prowess) but you've let years of comments of other people shape your self-belief or lack thereof.
So what if he thinks you could lose a little weight? So what if he said that to someone else as an opinion. Surely you know things you think he could improve upon in his life, like washing the dishes without being asked, being a little more spontaneous, giving better head or spending more time on foreplay etc. you didn't say those things as a negative reflection of him just things he could do better. It was just an opinion and one which really shouldn't have had the effect that it has had.
OP you're not perfect, you never will be. But you are more than good enough, you're "this woman is so amazing I never want another for the rest of my life" great. But you know what, the person whose opinion of you should matter the most is you. I don't know many women that wouldn't be offended or upset hearing their guy say that, but guess what he didn't say it with the intention of hurting you, he wouldn't have said it if he knew you were there and he certainly wouldn't have just told someone in random conversation if it really was something important to him.
OP you deserve better than the way you let things get to you. You have enough people tell you that you're not good enough, enough people make you feel like shit so why are you telling yourself that?
I've been bald for many years now OP, I get comments, jokes etc on it every day of the week some people even try to use it to insult me. Even my fiancée said she'd love it if I had all my hair, she has a major attraction to guys with full heads of hair and long flowing locks. Her preference in guys is a full head of hair but guess what, I'm more of a preference to her than any guy no matter the amount of hair he has because she wants to marry me, she wants to have a family with me and no guy can compare to who I am to her.
Does it bother me that I'm bald? Nope. Am I supposed to give a shit that society says that baldness is an ugly trait? Am I supposed to give a damn that women supposedly find it a turn off? Nope. I like who I am, I like how I look, I love a lot of things about myself and the opinions of people that are positive are what matter to me, not negativity on something I can't change.
OP most of us go through life with people giving us shit over something. Weight, baldness, big nose, annoying laugh, too short, too tall, flat-chested, too skinny, skin tone too dark, too pale, hair not full enough, crappy colour, shitty style, not getting paid much, not working, not having a degree, not having a car the list goes on and on. We all go through it OP it's the people like you OP that will suffer for that because of the importance you put on it, people like me take it as just a benign thing that doesn't matter.
OP if you can't get to that point where this kind of thing doesn't bother you on your own, and I'm sure you've tried your damnedest to, then go get some counselling or professional help to give you these coping mechanisms and see the real beauty, intelligence and person you really are.
Get to a place where when you look in the mirror you look to see how your hair is out of place or whether your make up is on right, or whether your brows need something done. Try to get to a point where you're never again look in the mirror to confirm the opinion of someone else. You're killing your belief in yourself OP, time to change that, you deserve to treat yourself better because you're going to go your whole life with people saying shit about you. We all do OP.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2013): What are these discussions about your weight, between you and your husband, about? Are they where he says you should lose weight and you feel indignant? Or where he says there's nothing wrong with your weight but you insist that he is lying yet if he were to say ok i am lying to protect your feelings you would still get upset anyway? Just wondering what good can discussions with your husband do if the problem is how you talk to yourself (as a result of your horrible family experiences which have left deep scars on you as it would anyone) . What are you seeking from him and is it realisitic? I mean, many if not most men even married will have secret fantasies about hot women whether it is supermodels or celebrities or porn stars. Most married women also will have fantasies about hot male celebrities too. You cannot stop your husband having fantasies about women who dont look exactly like you and it is not realistic to aim for that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2013): hi OP, I'm very sorry to hear that your family was emotionally abusive towards you. That is a terrible burden to bear, and it's not your fault.But the same thing that some of the recent commenters have said, still stands. 1. your husband DOES think you are "good enough", after all he married you and he loves you (or do you not believe that he loves you despite him saying he does, and being caring and loving towards you)2. You do need to learn to accept yourself, so that feeling "good enough" does not depend on another person's perception of you. Whether it is your family's or your husband's. If you have not accepted yourself, then even when other people - like your husband - do accept you, you will still feel rejected. It looks like this is indeed happening right now.The routes to self-acceptance are many and varied. Some of them do involve losing weight if being overweight is the core of your personal demons. Losing weight can give you a sense of empowerment which really builds your confidence and can change your entire attitude to yourself. it does not mean that you are proving your family right that you are only "good enough" if you are skinny. It just means that you have taken back control of your life and are doing it for YOU, not for them or anyone else. Other routes to self-acceptance do not involve changing yourself outward but learning to accept and love yourself however you are at the moment, right here and right now. Both are equally valid. You are only 15 pounds overweight. That's like nothing! my husband was at one point 85 pounds overweight. That is obese. And yes I lost my physical attraction to him, I struggled not to but I could not help it. And yes I eventually had to tell him the TRUTH because I could no longer fake attraction that wasn't there. I loved him dearly as a friend and a person, but he ceased to be a sexual being to me. I kept my mouth shut for 10 years hoping he would lose the weight without me having to broach the subject, but he didn't he just kept gaining more and more. (because he had deep depression issues that he is now in therapy for). finally I had to - out of LOVE - tell him my true honest feelings that I found his weight physically unattractive BUT I STILL LOVED AND ADMIRED him for who he is. Just that where physical attraction is concerned...and since that is an important part of a marriage (otherwise we are just brother/sister)...I *had* to tell him how I felt about his weight so he could make a choice too. Did he feel hurt? Of course he did. but you know what also hurt both him and me was those 10 years where our sex life waned and became non-existent because I just couldn't make myself feel attracted physically to him anymore so I was either faking it which made me feel horrible and guilty because that is LYING and DISHONEST, or else avoiding the issue which meant rejecting his advances and giving lame excuses. Your husband does not seem to be anywhere close to feeling the way I did. He DOES find you attractive. If not you can tell quite easily if a guy is not physically attracted to you because he wont' be able to 'get it up' if you know what I mean...
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2013): Honey,
Okay, you need to clear your mind and find the good in this. Ignore your family, put that aside, talk to him about this - let him apologize. Forgive him.
You can choose to do several things here - get upset further, let your confidence go down further, damage yourself by eating and moping around OR if I were you, go see a therapist, fix your diet and hit a gym/private studio get feel fit and confident.
You need to think which way to head here. It is easy to get emotional and let yourself become a victim...which is kina what you are doing. Its okay to be hurt, but don't let this overwhelm you and destroy you.
Give yourself a week to be sad, then back on the horse to work on yourself. FOR YOU.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question“Then again, it's a bit much to expect that all his life he has to typpitoe around YOUR issues, so that you won't have to face them . I mean, if nobody ever ever in life would comment about weight, yours or anybody's else , what would you think, that you are slim?” - Really? You think that we haven’t discussed my weight before? Like I stated in my last post, I know what I look like. I’m not stupid. I look at myself every day in the mirror and know that I have some weight on me. I am not, I repeat, NOT obese or unhealthy. I am a tall girl that has 15 pounds or so that I could lose. I KNOW. “YET he can see you are overweight , and he'd prefer you weren't. Why not ? what's mean or insulting in that? there is always room for improvement. Anything that's already good can always become even better. ( Besides, he might be concerned more about your health than about your looks, didn't you think of it ? )” -All of my life I was tortured by family members and many others because of what I looked like. To this very day I am still made fun of. He knows about that, hell, he’s even seen them do it to me. While my self-esteem had gotten better, until this point, it isn’t exactly my favorite topic of conversation. I’ve seen the type of porn he watches. They are very small and skinny women. So that whole ‘we don’t really want that in real life’ quote that some men say about what they watch, is a lie. He wants me skinny(ier). -- After everything I have been through, I thought that finding him and being with him was the one thing I was doing right. When he asked me to marry him, I finally felt that I was good enough; that they were wrong and that someone would love me weight and all. For years my family told me terrible things about my body. To hear it from him, hearing that he was dissatisfied with my weight as they were, hurt so much more.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 February 2013):
 He hurt your feelings ? ... maybe, but, what you overlook is that YOU , not other people are responsible for your feelings. Or, preecisely, for what you feel about a particular issue. It's not his fault if you don't feel good about your weight, or if you don't like and accept yourself the way you are. Basically, YOU already think that you are not what you should be , so you hear his comments as the echo of your negative disparaging comment about yourself. Yes, probably he would have been more considerate ( and wiser ) never bringing up what's for you a sensitive issue. Then again, it's a bit much to expect that all his life he has to typpitoe around YOUR issues, so that you won't have to face them . I mean, if nobody ever ever in life would comment about weight, yours or anybody's else , what would you think, that you are slim ? that you look like a top model ? Probably not, you'd still think that you are too big , and that you don't like yourself,just, pfeww, for today too nobody seemed to notice.
Your husband loves you, he adores your personality, and still would adore it even if you'd become a beached whale , he finds you pretty , beautiful and attractive, YET he can see you are overweight , and he'd prefer you weren't. Why not ? what's mean or insulting in that ?. there is always room for improvement. Anything that's already good can always become even better. ( Besides, he might be concerned more about your health than about your looks, didn't you think of it ? )
The problem is not, IMO, that for once your husband put his foot in his mouth- ( although, you have a valid point, insofar ,why dies he have to discuss his wife's pros and cons with strangers at a party ? ) the problem is that so far you haven't taken either one of the two possible sensible courses of action : 1 ) learning to not give a flying fuck about your weight,and about what anybody comments on it, and seeing yourself as sexy, attractive, goodloking, alluring and intriguing just the way you are now 2) deciding that you don't want the body you have now, and ditch the extra weight!
YOU feel insecure about your weight and YOU have to do something about it, either 1) or 2). Just making sure that your husband keeps his mouth shut on certain taboo issues won't help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): You have every right to be upset and angry at him that he revealed intimate details about your sex life (i.e. the fact that he would be more attracted to you if you lost weight) to a third party when you were standing right there, and embarrassed you in public. that's a violation of trust and is disrespectful.However, I don't think he is to blame for you feeling ugly weeks later. it sounds like this is not about him embarrassing you in public, but about your knowledge that he would rather you were thinner. But your feeling ugly because of your weight stems from yourself, and is not his fault. His feelings on your weight are neither right nor wrong, they just are what they are. Also, the fact that your own feelings are hurt as a result of knowing he doesn't find your weight attractive, does not mean that he did anything wrong either. My feelings were very hurt when my ex told me he had fallen out of love with me and therefore wanted to break up, but that doesn't mean he did anything wrong. His feelings were what they were and just because I was hurt doesn't mean he was a 'bad guy' because he could not change his feelings. Similarly, your husband cannot change his feelings about your weight. He has changed whatever he CAN, which is, his outward behavior. He has not tried to push you to lose weight for his benefit, he has not made it into a big deal in this relationship, and he has not knowingly demeaned you. And he has apologized for embarrassing you in public. you do not have to lose weight if you prefer not to. However, your husband also is entitled to his feelings (which he cannot change anyway), and if he just doesn't find your weight attractive then he has every right to feel that way (but he does not have the right to put you down or embarrass you for it). in the end, if it really bothers you that secretly in his heart of hearts he does not find your weight attractive, then this really is a self-confidence issue and does not mean your husband did anything wrong. He has been loving towards you and told you that you are beautiful, and still you feel like crap. talking about it to death may or may not change anything if the talk centers around the fact that he 'needs' to change his base feelings about your weight (which he cannot change) in order for you to feel OK about yourself. You need to own your own feelings. In this case, your low confidence regarding your weight.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys, thank you so much for your input and advice. To the female anon, "He has done nothing wrong", yes he has, he hurt my feelings. You are right, he doesn't rub it in my face or tell me that I am fat, but that doesn't mean it feels good to hear that. I look at myself in the mirror every single day. You don't think that I some how don't know that I am overweight? It isn't just about being insecure. I have been this size, plus or minus a few pounds here and there, since we met. Just because he wasn't necessarily mean to my face doesn't mean it won't hurt any less.Last night while laying in bed, I got up because the cat knocked something off the dressor. When I turned around to get into bed, he had moved over to the middle and held his arms open. So I climbed in and he pulled me to him, kissed me, and told me how much he loved me and how beautiful I was and we fell asleep. He has been kinda busy with work since that night, so maybe I felt alone or ignored because we literally haven't had any time together and the less we talked about it, the worse my feelings got. I don't know. Were going to talk tonight to finally get this all cleared up.Thank you once again for every response. It really helped me. Thank you thank you! xoxoxo
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reader, lmao1989 +, writes (20 February 2013):
The thing is you feel like this because the guy you love married and have spent your time with has shattered your confidence.As people have said on here you do not talk to someone at a party about things like that if he felt that he should of talked to you and done it in a way that still makes you feel beautiful inside and out.i don't doubt you are beautiful inside and out but don't lose weight for him if you want to do it because you are genuinely unhappy with your weight then do it!!!He's apologised and says he don't know why he said it because he knows you know what was said and he's not sure how to stop himself digging a hole deeper than the earths crust. You should talk to him tell him he's shattered your confidence in yourself you've lost all sexy feeling and all feeling of being beautiful make him realise that what he did was extremely stupid!!Then you decide what it is you want to do.Whether you guys sort it out and continue or you guys seek some type of therapy together or you alone.Hope this helps x
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reader, 1sunshine +, writes (20 February 2013):
 He absolutely had no right to talk about you to someone (especially at a party!) It's offensive and just cruel. Maybe he will think before he speaks next time. Our significant other is our business and should be kept that way.
I have the opposite problem. I have no curves really and my boyfriend claims that he likes the "curvier woman." But he is with me :) by choice :) and there is NOBODY ELSE in this world that has my personality or that would share my special love with him. ** AND he knows this ;)**
You sound like a sweetheart and very smart. Do what makes you feel good about yourself. You come first in this life and what makes you happiest is the most important. I'm sure he is kicking himself in the a** for saying what he did...
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): I do feel so sorry to hear what happened, I mean he should never have been discussing you in open forum like that, even if it was with a friend..and at works do a big NoNo. I mean what if he overheard you saying, I love him to death he quite handsome and all that but look at his nose.. Or his stinky breath or any bad habit or oddity about him ... What he said was damn rude and really he has to make it up to you.Okey I'm a mental health nurse and I know all the health promotion about being ideal weight etc but I put on weight during pregnancy and then more so after haha I got the glutton bug .. Now at Xmas I decided that i wanted to lose this weight .. Due to the fact I'm turning 40 ( omg she shrieks on march) and we're raising 3 kids and I want to be around for them when their older.Now you are young and sometimes puppy fat can carry forward into our twenties do not be disheartened and your doing Fab working out.. You keep going .. Try jogging or walking get hubby to come along .. He started this so he may as well join in lol..And honey you milk this for as long as you can haha he loves you, he's just a prat ( sorry to say) and though he shouldn't have said anything he has, he has .,.So you sit him down tell him how he made you feel.. Tell him you what lose weight for you, not him, you. That he will help support and damn well hop and skip and jump if you ask him too.. He hurt you.. He has a lot of making up to do.. Then go pick a whole new wardrobe of clothes that you want ( he's paying) haha for the new you.Good on you kid.. And your not insecure i don't think so, though I think he rocked your self confidence a little, your just very hurt .. You heard yourself your pretty . Do you know what you'll probably be a knock out once you shifted those pounds ..Keep us posted sweetie x
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 February 2013):
The ugly you feel is inside… weight does not make us pretty or ugly… it makes us unhealthy… perhaps he was hoping you would lose the weight for health reasons only… He does love you clearly. He is sorry… clearly.
If you don’t feel sexy because of the weight… then we need to figure out how to make you feel sexy…. Actually to be honest most men I know prefer women who look like women who carry a bit of extra padding…women are supposed to have fat stores… we use it to nurture our young… we need boobs and butts and bellies… not six pack abs… I bet your hubby thinks you are hot and sexy…
It sounds to me like you are eating well now and getting some exercise and that’s the best thing you can do… be healthy, be well-rounded… be flexible (I recommend Yoga for flexibility as it really makes a huge difference in the bedroom)
I could stand to lose 15 pounds or so…. And I’ve gained it over the last year… when my hubby and I started dating I needed reconstructive plastic surgery.. he still loved me… before the surgery and after… 10 pounds down 15 more down.. now thirty up…and he still loves me.
Your wrappings are just that, wrapping and they will change as you age… and then there’s the whole pregnancy and childbirth thing… and your body will NEVER be the same… and he will still love you.
You need to learn to love yourself as best you can where you are in your life so you can let your husband’s love in. I am betting if he could take back what he said he would.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): If you have always been the size you are now then he has no real right to start moaning about it now. How would he feel if you said you love him but you wish his penis was a bit bigger?! I'm sure an apology wouldn't cut it then. You need to tell him that he has really damaged your self esteem with what he said so you are going to need time to get over it. At the same time though, it couldn't hurt to keep going with the healthy eating and exercise since I sense you were not all that confident to begin with. Work on improving your self esteem too, as if it were high to begin with then you would never have let a throwaway like that comment affect you so much. It would be water off a duck's back. Not that I'm saying it's your fault mind you. I think channeling your energy into making yourself the best version of you possible will do wonders for you and will help you to stop focusing on your hurt. PS - please try to remember all of the nice things your husband said about you too :)
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reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (20 February 2013):
 Relax doll. He apologized. You accepted. Move on. If u wanna lose weight do it for u not for ur husband. Im big cos I wanna be big for me and definately not any woman. They are lucky to get a sliver of this pie. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): I can see why you're hurt and I can see why you'd be turned off sex for a while after this experience. At the same time it's obvious your husband wants to make things right and he wants you to be with him. Had he written to this site and said, "I said a bone-headed thing after a few drinks at a party and my wife overheard, how do I handle this?", I'm fairly certain he's already done everything in the book anyone would have asked him to do. I also suspect many people would have reproached him saying he should have talked to you about it privately. He clearly failed to do that and he humiliated you in the process.
Is the fact that he wasn't honest with you what
upsets you? Do you think you would have handled it any differently if had he spoken to you about it privately? Would you have been any happier if he said, "I stay with my lady because she's got a smoking bod...who gives a shit what comes out of her mouth? " rather than him praising your personality? At the end of the day it seems pretty obvious that he loves you and he's terrified of hurting you...even if to a fault.
There are a lot of difficult truths between people who love each other. Sometimes, it is easier to tell one of those truths to a stranger than the person you love for risk of hurting them. I'm not apologizing for him, but it seems like the heart of this is that he was more afraid of hurting you, than he was of communicating his desire for you to change. I would try talking to him about this.
Rather than focus on your weight at the moment and pleasing him, I'd try to get to the root of whatever you two aren't saying to each other. You could lose 100 lbs right now for him and it wouldn't undo the hurt you feel. However, if your eating well and your excercise truly make you feel better, keep doing it...for yourself and not for him.
If this issues seems like something you two can't manage in a one on one conversation or it's getting in the way of sex, try marriage counseling.
He's done a lot of groveling, but I think this issue might require a heroic effort of forgiveness on your part. I'm not saying he necessarily deserves forgiveness as only you can decide that, but it does seem like this man cares very much for you and your feelings even if he managed to hurt them. The people we love the most by virtue of their love have the ability to hurt us the most. He's probably not feeling too hot either after this.
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reader, eddie85 +, writes (20 February 2013):
 Your husband's betrayal at the party is definitely a proverbial kick in the pants. I would feel bad about it too if I were on the receiving end of it.
I am glad, though, that you took some course of action by exercising and eating better. Couples have a responsibility and duty to keep themselves fit and healthy for one another. The fact that you are now married doesn't mean you are exempt from hygiene, maintaining proper weight, and doing healthy things.
None the less, your husband does owe you an apology and he should not be talking about your marital problems with friends at parties. One question to ask him is how he would feel if he was losing his hair and you told another friend about how it is bothering you.
Since it has been bothering you this long, I'd bring it up to him and say it really hurt. Tell him why and then explain what you've done to rectify the problem. Also be sure to tell him that if he has a concern like this in the future he only needs to talk to YOU about it, not his friends or coworkers.
Hopefully this conversation will set the record straight.
Finally, you need to forgive him. If you continue to harbor a resentment and a fear that he will someday find you unattractive (and the fact that he is betraying your marital secrets), you will ruin your marriage. One cannot live in peace while living in fear and anger.
Part of being married is being able to forgive the other person -- as difficult as that can be. It will be tough but once you let go, the pain will ease and some day down the road you'll review this post and laugh about it.
Trust me on that one.
Eddie
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reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (20 February 2013):
 Let me say this. You might not have the ideal body that he wants but that doesn't mean it's impossible for him to be physically attracted to you. He loves your face and he loves aspects of your body and the best thing is, he loves your personality. The thing is, there are heaps of people out there who are quite surprised by who they fall in love with. They say that they meet someone who they don't have that first "spark of attraction" to, but after talking to them, they start to really love their personality and THIS is what makes the other person extremely attractive to them. THIS attraction brought about by a fantastic personality is the important thing and I tell you why? If someone only found you physically attractive because your body type was what they always envisioned it to be, then the relationship will really only last for as long as the partner can maintain their body type. And even if they work on it, they WILL get old and lose their form and guess what? No more attraction, no more sex, no more relationship.But you have something that will make you attractive to your husband forever. As he said, he loves your personality and that love is enough to make anyone look like a god/goddess. And seeing as personality doesn't (it really shouldn't anyway) deteriorate with age like the body does, then you are guaranteed his love no matter what bombshell walks past to flaunt their body in his face.I love my partner. He doesn't have the body type that I always fantasized my partner would have (i.e. tall and toned). He's only a little taller than me, and he has a little bit of a pot belly and this was how I saw him for the first time. But I love him to death. I may appreciate the next tall and toned man I see, but that's as much as they're getting from me. My appreciation, cause my love is reserved for a shorter, pot-bellied man with an amazing personality. Likewise, he enjoys watching korean music videos because of all the tall, skinny ladies with surprisingly large busts on there (geez, even I like to watch them!) and I definitely don't have all their much-coveted assets. Still, he's still here with me :)Moral of the story is: you may not have the body type he always thought his partner will have, but he still finds you beautiful because of who you are.Now, the next thing is: you can work out to achieve a body type that he loves and that's fine. But I think that as time passes you should start to workout more for yourself than for him because he'll still love you for who you are. It's your job for you to love who you are.There's this amazing thing I read off this fitness blog at www.blogilates.com.The Steps to Exercise Enlightenment by Cassey Ho1. Someone told me to, so might as well2. I want to change my body3. I want to be stronger4. I want to nurture my health5. It brings me happiness6. I want to inspireYou're on a level 2 at the moment but you should aim to progress to a higher level because you'll definitely come to love and appreciate yourself more :D And they're better goals to work towards. "I want to be strong, I want to be healthy, I want to enjoy exercise" are all more positive things to work towards than "I just want to lose weight" :) I'm a level 3 at the moment but I want to be a level 5. Learn to love yourself better because your husband already loves you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): He has done nothing wrong. If he instinctively finds thinner women (or a thinner you) physically attractive, he cannot change that fact by sheer will. It's like you cannot make yourself like something you don't, or dislike something that you do.But, has he ever rubbed it in your face? has he nagged you about your weight and told you he doesn't find you attractive? No. In fact, he willfully, consciously has focused on your personality and he has NEVER nagged you to lose weight nor has he made comments to YOU to make you feel bad about your weight.Thus, you really have nothing to be angry at him for. He is being a gentleman and he is accepting you as you are. isn't this what we all want, a spouse who accepts us as we are? Your feeling ugly is YOUR problem to deal with, not his. Do not lash out at him just because you feel insecure about yourself. It's not his problem because, like I said, he has never tried to make you change against your will and he has done his best to accept you as you are.You need to work on your self esteem, because that is really what it boils down to, which is your own self-acceptance. If losing weight helps your self confidence, then do it!! If despite losing weight you still feel ugly, even though your husband has never nagged you about your weight nor made any disparaging remarks to you about it, this is still your insecurity issue that you need to deal with on your own without him. it might help to talk to a counselor.
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