A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey!So I have a problem I cant figure out...whenever theres a guy I meet that I'm attracted to, I flirt with him and everything because I like him, but then when I find out he likes me, my feelings and attraction towards them, just go away, and instead I feel turned off and don't want to hang around them anymore (I have no idea why, because when they first start showing interest its great and I'm happy), but then when they stop liking me or trying to chase after me, I like them again! so its like a really bad cycle cause im never happy. Its really only if I go on a date with them and really find out that I just absolutely dont like them or even if theres no date and I really really dont like them or the attraction is just completely gone, that I dont care whether they lost interest in me or not (usually I'm the one that loses interest first and them keeping on liking me)But, theres this one boy who I kinda like and then he started showing some interest in me and then i didn't like him anymore, but when he stopped showing any interest at all, i was attracted to him again and it really irritates me, because it seems he just stopped liking me and isn't starting again anytime soon. What do you guys think is my problem? and what should I do about this boy?? Help!Thanks in advance
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female
reader, Share Bear  +, writes (4 October 2010):
 I wonder if you aren't rushing to feel things. So many people want 'a relationship' before they've even found a partner to fit the role.
In your mind, perhaps you're looking for the attention and affection of the fairy tale romance before you've gotten to know your prince.
I've sometimes considered that if you can leave someone- then maybe you should. -On the basis that if you really love someone, then wild horses shouldn't be able to drag you away from them.
If you're putting pressure on yourself to feel things before you've got to know someone, then maybe you just need to give people more respect and get to know them better before you tick the keep or move on box. Life isn't a speed dating exercise or a race and often the people we care most deeply for are those whom we have known for many years. (Partly because we stay with those we sincerely care for and partly because our feelings grow and develop over time).
I think you need to stop focussing on the end goal and simply live in the present, with no pressure for where every acquaintance might take you. Take people as you meet them, get to know them and don't think to commit or to be tempted to look for fairy tale swift romances before you have really got to know anyone.
This way you'll reduce the yo-yoing back and forth of 'he likes me' vs. 'I like him' and rather just let your feelings mature as you get to know people.
There may be other factors involved here and it's difficult to call without knowing the whole situation- but my gut feeling is that you're a girl that hangs out for only the most sincere feeling trapped in a generation of speed daters.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you are right :)
Thanks guys for the answers!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 October 2010):
 Hmm, father issues?
Im sorry, this is turning into a shot in the blind. But one thing is for sure, I still don't think you have fallen in love with anyone yet. Because when you do fall in love there is nothing he can do that will make you fall out of love. Love makes blind as they say, which means he could even be an abuser and hit you and you would still be head over heels for him. Sad in a way, but all true. When you are in love EVERYTHING about the guy is amazing, even things that would disgust others. The way he chews is attractive, the way he walks, dresses, everything he says is magical, and if others find it offensive or weird you will think it is charming. Love makes blind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI honestly have no idea, because when I find a guy that I think "maybe I do really like him and would like to see where it can go (rarely happens)," I try to find things wrong with him (personality or looks)so that then I won't like him anymore...I actually have best guy friends, I'm not really friends with any girls tho, so I really don't think i'm looking for friendship...
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 October 2010):
I honestly don't know the answer to that. It could be that you are sad because you are disappointed in yourself, you really wanted it to work out? Or you got sad because you enjoy the attention from males, and him not being interested anymore makes you questions your attractiveness? Or you felt lonely?
I wonder though, if you aren't pursuing these men for friendship, and misunderstanding yourself. What exactly do you feel when you "like" someone this way? What do you desire, wish for, want? Just company and a good laugh? Then it is possible you are actually looking for friends but don't understand yet how to get guys to be just friends, as they eventually end up liking you as more than that, which could be what then throws you off. Psychology is a tricky thing. But if you feel lonely it is likely that you are actually just seeking company and friendship, and nothing romantic.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much! You really put things into perspective for me.
I just have one more question lol...The latest guy who I don't think likes me anymore, did make me feel sad. But I don't know why, because, when he did show some interest before, I was turned off. Do you think maybe its just because I'm used to having them like me, and then dropping them?
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A
female
reader, toomuch stress  +, writes (3 October 2010):
 It sounds like you are human. People always want what they can't have, it is always something that is most desired. So in that sense, you're completely normal. But when it comes to you repeatedly wanting someone until you feel they have an attraction for you back, and then losing your attraction that can become a big problem. That's a chronic problem in relationships as well. You want that big fish in the sea and then after you get them all reeled in and have them in your bucket for awhile they don't seem so mysterious or amazing anymore. There is actually a term for it, it's called Psychological
Reactance.
“Psychological Reactance”: People don’t like to be told they can’t have or can’t do something. It’s related to not wanting to be controlled by others, especially if the situation feels unfair or arbitrary. The “reactance” is both emotional and behavioral.
The only thing that can be done about this is you have to want to settle down. It's completely 100% your choice in doing what you have been, and it can be controlled. If you seriously like this guy, then you are on the right path. Try to go on a date with him (if he is still intrested) and get to know him before you put him off. It's harder to dismiss and get rid of someone you know as a person and not just a chase toy.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 October 2010):
PS. as for the latest guy that you "kinda like". Never mind him. You kinda like him, thats hardly worth the effort. Find and pursue someone you actually feel you want to be around and who makes you feel great.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 October 2010):
Your problem is that you aren't actually in love with any of these guys. You just "like" them, as in you "like" the actor that plays in this or that movie. They are good to look at, but it ends there. You have no deeper feelings for them. And as soon as they like you back you are bored with them, because now what? The "linking"-phase is supposed to turn into the "I love you"-phase, and you're not even close to feeling that way.
Do you get sad when they don't like you back? Do you cry? If not you're not really in love. If you couldn't care less you aren't in love.
You don't have a problem though. You just haven't fallen in love yet. The right guy will come along some day. Another idea is to get to know the guy first. Stop liking people based on their looks, but base your attraction on their personality! Then you wont end up at a first date figuring out who they are and if you actually like them or not, because you'd already know. Plus, no one falls in love with someone based on their looks. It wont be genuine. It HAS to be their personality. Otherwise you can keep it up just the way you are.
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