A
female
age
30-35,
*nnayramq
writes:I've gotten myself into a fix and I need help as soon as possible.A few months ago, a friend and I made a bet. She told me that if I could get this girl's attention and ask her out on a date, I would win some money from her. Let's call this girl Emily. Now because at that time I was hard for cash and admittedly, also a little childish, I agreed to the bet.So I went on to "pursue" Emily and gradually, we became friends. Now the bet was to just ask her out on a date, and that's all. So I did that. After I had done that and gotten my money from the bet, I started to back off from her. The problem is, she just wouldn't leave me alone now! I think she thinks that I genuinely like her. But I don't. I really am not into her.She asks me unneccesary, intrusive questions like, "Who is this girl that I saw you with the other day?" and "Who is that girl always writing on your facebook wall?" It makes me feel tied down when I don't even have a relationship with her!We also have absolutely nothing at all in common but she keeps telling me that she has so much fun talking to me. Truth be told, our chats are not fun at all. Our conversations revolve around shallow, boring and superficial things- a far cry from the intellectual, deep conversations that I normally enjoy with others.She also keeps asking me out and I keep rejecting her offer because I really no longer want her to think that I'm interested in her. I don't know how to TELL her that I'm not interested in her. I've tried dropping hints. Like, last week, when she asked me what kind of girls I am into, I told her that I am into Asian girls (which is true). And she's NOT Asian. I thought that she would get the hint, but that didn't work! She appeared affected for a while, but still kept dropping hints that she wanted me. She even told my friend, the same one that I made the bet with, that she wants me to be her girlfriend.Her flirtation and the attention that she's giving me is really starting to annoy and irk me a little now. She's always blushing and flirty in my presence and honestly, it makes me awfully uncomfortable.I don't need you guys to tell me what a bitch I am for taking up the bet and such. I know that I was wrong for that, and I acknowledge my mistake. I just don't know how I can possibly tell her what I did because not only will that break her heart, it would also destroy our friendship. Emily and I also have a couple of mutual friends that we always hang out with. Well, you can imagine how awkward it would be for everyone if the truth is told. Yes, I should have thought of it before but I was desperate for cash then and I was also childish at that time. Over the months, I made some soul searching and I realised that I needed to grow up. It's safe to say that I think I did grow up..So now, how do I subtly tell her that I'm not interested in her? It would be so weird because I was the one who "pursued" her (for the sake of the bet), and then suddenly, here I was, telling her I'm not interested in her. Ahhhhh, I'm at a complete loss. :(
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male
reader, georgey5100  +, writes (5 January 2011):
erm... sorry to anyone who has answered the same before but TELL HER STRAIGHT (double meaning not originally intended) THAT YOU'RE STRAIGHT! you are leading this girl on even if she does seem a bit unhealthily attatched to you... and telling her that you are in to asiain girls isnt going to make her go away! what were you thinking! my sort-of-bf and i arent in each others "types" but we are still really attracted to eachother... i like asian guys but he's anglo-carribean! do i care no! :P x peace out
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): Now you just need to tell her. Say you don't see her as that kind of girl in your life and you see her as a friend
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): Thanks for the feedback Original poster, I really feel you have learnt by this, and nearly ' all ' of us have done something in our youth that was not right or nice..So pleased all this has helped you, such good news.
And by the way telling someone you're NOT ready for a relationship, never, ever works, as if they're really stuck on you, they take it as, well MAYBE sometime in the future and keep hanging around. You have to make it clear ( nicely) that whatever happens there will never be that option, you have to CLOSE it, without making it personal. I wrote a an article for a glossy magazine " The long Goodbye " a couple of years ago.
Good luck for the future!
Jilly
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A
female
reader, ennayramq +, writes (28 November 2010):
ennayramq is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I agree with all of you that what I did was very unkind and cruel. I'm very ashamed of myself for doing this and I'm trying to make things right now. That's why I wrote in to get as many suggestions as I could on this matter.
I appreciate all your responses.
Thank you, everyone, particularly Jilly. You've all been very very helpful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): Moral of the story... Don't play with peoples heads and grow up
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A
female
reader, MsVick  +, writes (28 November 2010):
 Your paying the piper now aren't you? and I have to question what type of a "friend" would pay you to harm some other innocent person in such a cruel manner. Almost sounds like she wanted to hurt the girl and paid you to do her dirty work.
Don't ever let her find out what you did first of all, secondly to get rid of her tell her that you are not ready for a relationship now but that you think she is a great person and wish her the best.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): Ok you've had the sermons, you know it was a dreadfully cruel thing to do, and YOU have acknowledged that, which is a commendable and shows you have learnt.
Now to your question, how do you tell her. Firstly, even IF you had really liked her and it wasn't a bet, YOU could still change your mind, people do this all the time, you are only concentrating on the issue, because of what you've done, so just for this exercise FORGET IT!
ONE: You cannot hint, suggest you like another type of girl, or that prefer females with whatever it is - it won't work.
TWO: You have to tell her as soon as possible and IF done in a nice way, although she will still be knocked off her feet for a little bit - it WON'T BE life threatening or be one of her life log tragic loses.
EVEN if she is keen - it will pass, what won't pass, is IF you string her along, don't tell her, but keep rejecting her, it will only keep her hanging on and eat away at her self confidence.
When my clients ask me how they tell someone they don't want to date them again, or make it a regular relationship, I tell them, the ONE thing you never do it make it PERSONAL, as in say anything that would indicate it's anything to do with physical attraction.
All you need to do, is tell her after being really attracted ,you feel something is missing between you, which you've questioned yourself, but it comes down to chemistry, that thing that makes us want to go and explore more. Put it in your own words, but base it around that. As nearly EVERY one of us, knows, has heard about the chemistry between men and women. And it isn't just looks, it's the stuff you can't see, hear or feel, you just know it's there. Better-known as love-related chemical phenylethylamine, or "PEA" a naturally occurring trace ammine in the brain. PEA is a natural amphetamine, and can cause similar stimulation. Chemistry contributes to that kick-up-your-heels, on-top-of-the-world feeling that attraction can brings.
Just make sure you tell her, so she can get over this and find someone who really, really likes her.
Jilly
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (27 November 2010):
 "Oh what a tangled web we weave...." Yuk, you've gotten yourself into quite a mess. Glad you realize (albeit a little late) that what you did wasn't too nice or smart. Alright, so suck it up, and just tell her as nicely as possible that "we're better off just friends, I just don't have the right feelings for you"..kind of speech. Be kind! She's innocent in this, and didn't deserve this. Be honest, but not cruel. I hope it turns out ok without going into major drama!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): What you did to her was very unkind, and I think your earned the grief. You need to say it bluntly that you're not interested. Say, "Look, I know you're interested in me, but I would rather us just stay friends." There. It's gunna hurt her, but that's what needs to be said.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (27 November 2010):
 Destroy your friendship? You can't stand the girl and you used her for a way to get cash. Not a very good friend you are. So your bet backfired, I bet you'll never play with people's emotions again.
Now, in order to brush her off you're going to have to come right out and tell her you're not interested in her. Instead of dropping hints and leading her on even more than you have. Tell her there's nothing there, and that you would rather keep it as friends. Hopefully, she'll leave you alone then if not then these are the consequences of your childish actions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): Firstly what you did was just plain cruel. You asked her out for a bet? Eurgh... anyway i think you're just going to have to be honest. By that, i mean tell her you don't think things are working out but DO NOT tell her you asked her out for a bet, that would destroy her i'm sure.
You don't sound very guilty about what you did to this poor girl, your only concern is getting rid of her. Next time you think of doing something like that, think twice.
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