A
female
age
26-29,
*caredForLove
writes:Hello, I need help very soon please xx. Ok before I get into this problem you need a back story.Ok my mom and dad split when I was two so I'm used to the two home lifestyle. I have a stepdad I had a stepmom. Her. The stepmom is the issue. I was an accident, my mom was 19 my dad was 20 something. My dad is a man wh**e. his new wife was never supposed to be his wife. He got her pregnant so they got married fast. My brother was also an accident. Since then they had another child. My stepmother was an alcoholic. My dad hated it and got divorced. Long story short he moved back in with her because he can't afford a place of his own. They had a little relationship but it ended quickly. I thought. This weekend I found out he got her pregnant AGAIN, then they had a miscarriage but they want to try for another baby. He knows how I feel about her and I hate her. Really do even now that she is sober. So I confronted him when he brought me back to moms I said to him "Dad, I know you got her pregnant. You guys are SECRETLY back together. If you actually cared about me you wouldn't be with her or you'd tell me about it. I'm just not coming over anymore." This was his response : Okay that's fine. (In a nonchalant voice) I hate him I want him out of my life. Maybe you think it's stupid but he is one of thee worst fathers. He always pulls crap and is never there for me. How can I make sure I never have to talk to him again? Please help much love xx
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female
reader, ScaredForLove +, writes (15 February 2012):
ScaredForLove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your help :) - Everyone. Yes I'm calmed down so I wouldn't scream abuse at him if I saw him but I don't think I'll be ready to talk to him for a while still, but thank you still. :) much love xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2012): Chica, its common for Alcholics to be cowards and completely selfish and irresponsible. You still think he should be A HEALTHY ADULT. Sweets, he's not and may never be.
Its good to vent and talk it out- we are here for that. All of this accepting and healing and overcoming from this disappointing fact of your Father comes with time.
You'll get there.
*hugs*
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (14 February 2012):
 You were angry and mad, could see that. And you dad aint the brightest at making sensible decisions. Got that too. And his marriage aint that good, and he's not really good about keeping his business out your face. Yes he doesn't have to ask you for permission, but it would be nice to include you in the things that really matter... yep got that too.But you are calm now, you ready to go and talk to him about the things that are bothering you, talk remember, just like you just did and lay out all your concerns.
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A
female
reader, ScaredForLove +, writes (13 February 2012):
ScaredForLove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again =P wanted to say :
I'm not telling him how to live his life. I got mad and kind of made him choose between me and her. Okay . I know he is a man ___ because I will casually be on the computer and a freakish chat comes up and those are the grossest.. Or I'll be using his phone to talk to my gramma and get 3 texts from different girls talking about "things" THREE DIFFERENT GIRLS. It was an accident I saw them but still. He wants to take advantage of whatever he can. He's like poor, he's getting up there in age why would he want another child the youngest is only 4 right now? Mostly what makes me mad is HE wasn't even gonna tell me! I found out from her and her family because he knew how I'd feel. He didn't tell me they were back together either which happened a while ago (so I hear from her brother.) xx
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 February 2012):
Anon aged 14, there is nothing to be sorry for, your considered opinion and your advice is as valuable as anyone here. Thank you for taking the time to help.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 February 2012):
 Honey, you can't tell your Dad how to live his life. If he is (pardon the expression) is dumb enough to get his wife/exwife pregnant even if they have a tumultuous relationship, that is not for you to deny or approve off.
If you don't feel you get what you need as far as time & support from your Dad, talk to him, but without the demands. He is old enough to make his own mistakes.
If you feel like the relationship with your Dad doesn't give you anything but grief, then back off a bit and focus on yourself. Him having another child doesn't make you less of his daughter.
I have 3 children, 2 of them were not planned either, but I would NEVER ever call them mistakes. I can't imagine life with out all 3 :)
Seems to me like you need to actually talk to your Dad about how you feel, so do it face to face, not over the phone and not via text/facebook..
Sometimes, adults act like morons.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, Orbiter +, writes (13 February 2012):
Your situation sounds a bit like mine used to. What I realised when I was a bit older was that my dad, despite his age was extremely selfish, immature and insecure. It was like he had never grown up past his teens.
At the end of the day sometimes the only thing you can do is step back and wait for him to learn from his mistakes and sort out his own life. As the other aunts have said, you can't control his life and it would be really unhealthy for you to do that. You're the child, you shouldn't be taking care/making decisions for him.
If your stepmom is that terrible and it really affects your life and prevents you from having a relationship with your dad, then I think you did the right thing. Best thing to do is just refuse to go over, don't answer the phone to him/door etc. Also calmly tell your mom about your decision and why.
I will say that my dad always tried to keep in contact so when he did sort his life out, I forgave him and now we get on a lot better. So try not to become too hateful, although I know you must be feeling abandoned at the moment. As another reader said your dad may not be the best parent but he is also definitely not the worst. Wait and see if eventually he gets his act together. Then maybe pick up your relationship with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): I can see what the last person wrote and I can see what she means. But I compleatley agree with you. I nevere grew up with the whole "one parent" thing but my friend has exactly the same probelm as you. I told her to bear with it and speak to your stepmum about it. If you don't want to do that, the try and speak to your dad about it again, except throw a little bit of a hissy fit. I know most people will say something like dont get angry at them or something like that but usually, they will realise that they are close to losing you. you will at least be respected slightly and then he might stop after this. If not, then your old enough to move out soon so you can leave this alone! just stay with your mum or friend and he'll realise he lost you fair and square. good luck hun!14 years old. (I know, sorry)
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 February 2012):
ScaredForLove... my words are clumsy, mistake isn't the proper word. It's unplanned pregnancy. They didn't plan to have you, but as soon as they knew you was coming they did their best. From the moment you first opened your eyes and waved your little hands and feet, your mother and father fell in love with you and will continue to love you for the rest of your life, no matter what you say or do.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 February 2012):
ScaredForLove (interesting name)
Your mother wasn't a child when she got pregnant, she was at the legal age of consent. Your father didn't rape her, he wasn't an old man who manipulated her, they were two young people who made a mistake.
Your father didn't just run off and pretend you didn't exist. Him and your mother tried for 2years to make the relationship work. It didn't, and for whatever reason they broke up, or he left, or your mum kicked him out.
Your father still didn't run off and leave you. You still can talk to him, your in his life, you know your brother, you know his wife.. he's no deadbeat dad that isn't there. If anyone ask you about your father, you can give them an address... Many kids don't have that.
Now when your stepmother got pregnant, again your father didn't run, didn't pretend it wasn't his. No, he married the woman, he included you in his life. He set up a family home.
You say he's a man whore.. but I don't see you talking about hundreds of women. I don't see you taking about 20-30 kids. Your father has two children. One who he lives with and one (you) who he talks/see's regularly. As happens to adults, there was a mistake and he might have had 3, who he would have loved as much as he love you and your brother.
His marriage has suffered a breakdown because of his wife's drinking, that (as you say) caused the divorce. Not because he's abusive, not because he is a cheat, not because he's a man whore, but his wife has serious problems.
This miscarriage thing, yes I was mistaken... but I just repeated what you said in your original post.
For whatever reason, your father has decided to go back to his wife. But you don't want that, you want him to go and track down an ex-girlfriend, who he broke with before, a woman who probably doesn't want him. Or you want him to come back to your home, a place he hasn't lived in since you were 2years old.
Again, I can only see a child trying to control a parent for her own selfish reasons. If you are worried about your father and your brother because you think the step-mother is hurting them emotionally or physically, then go say this to your father.. not "I HATE YOU, DO WHAT I SAY, DON'T HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN RUN AWAY. IF YOU DON'T LEAVE HER I WILL NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN"
That's not nice behaviour. But you can say, "Dad, it upset me that your unhappy with your marriage. Why did you go back? I want you to be happy, think about why you think you need to stay". See emphasis change.. No longer "YOU DO WHAT I TELL YOU"... it's now "Dad I am worried about you".
At the moment I'm real pissed off with your dad, he shouldn't be telling you about his sex life or his love life or bothering you with his problems. Now that's not fair either.
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A
female
reader, ScaredForLove +, writes (12 February 2012):
ScaredForLove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for most answers guys :'). By the way : It wasn't actually a misccariage it was a chemical pregnancy (your body thinks your pregnant but it's not) so there never was a baby. My dad left me, I don't want him to "leave" my brother and sister. They have joint custody because their divorced. I'm not telling him what to do. There's a lot of history that goes on with my "ex" stepmother. He always says "I just do what she tells me too because it's easier yada yada yada." He's had other gf's whom I KNOW he loved. Unfortunately he's bad with relationships and now she's the only one left. Thanks xx
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 February 2012):
 I'm with you. The only time that a youngster "needs" to talk to his or her parent is when he/she wants some money...
Sorry you got strapped with such a bunch of loser adults as "parents" (or, whatever they are)!!!!!
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): You have valid reasons to be angry and hurt.
What I don't like is you saying you were an accident. Perhaps you were not planned but you certainly turned out to be a wonderous young woman and a blessing to your Family, Friends and to the planet. In the bigger universe-you were planned. ;)
Dad is not a very responsible, healthy adult and I would be disappointed in him too. He is a poor example of what a Man and Dad should be. That's fair to say.
Having said that, I think telling him how you feel and think is honest and he's adult so he should be able to take it.
Just don't fall prey to believing that he has no right to having a relationship with someone regardless if you like or approve of them or not. He's an adult and he has a right to love whom he choses. It sucks its a woman that isn't overly healthy either but that is a pattern of behaviour of addicts/alcoholics.
The unfair trap to yourself is believing that if Dad loved you enough, he would chose you over her or the alcohol. Its not like that. That way of thinking leaves you a victim and also sets you up for a mighty fall. Dad is an alcoholic and has forfeited his free agency to the drink. It now controls him. Sad really.
Dad still loves you AND still loves Step Mom AND has an addiction.
It does you no good to believe your Dad is capable of acting like a Healthy Adult Male and Make Wise choices when he is an Alcoholic.
I second the time to see a Therapist to vent and work out your anger and hurt in a healthy way and to gain good coping skills to overcome the hurt and trauma of abuse and neglect.
It gets better with time and with you realizing that you have great self worth regardless of circumstances of you arrival to this Earth.
I, myself am a Survivor of Alcoholic parents/childhood home. So I can relate to what you have to say.
Hang in there, it gets better, especially with counselling.
*hugs*
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 February 2012):
Parents can't love who their children demand. They can't have sex or not have sex because a child still at school tells them what to do. Soon you'll be gone and will have a husband of your own. Does your father then have the right to tell you who to date, or tell when to get pregnant?
He's a human being, who has a right to make his own choices and live his life. When he does what you want, who does he cuddle at night, his teddy bear?
Yes he hasn't made the right decisions, and yes your step-mother may be unpleasant. But your not even living full time with them, but you still want to control their life. Nope I don't think stupid, I think your very unfair and selfish. You want your father to go off and leave his child (your brother) just because you want it. He's supposed to dump your stepmother who is probably upset by her miscarriage because you don't like her. What about your brother, why he suffer because you want to control other people?
Don't talk to him if you don't want to. Refuse to take his calls, go to another room if he visits, refuse to go to his house. He will be very sad and hurt, but he will still be your dad. But remember if he treated you like this, if your friend refused to talk to you because she didn't like your other friends, or she didn't like your decisions, you would call her nasty names and you would be very upset.
Unfortunately people can't be controlled in the way you want. Your father loves you but he has his own life to live. If him and the step-mother have had a miscarriage and lost a baby, they must be devastated and grieving. But you don't care about dead babies, you only care about what you want and what you should get.
If you need something particular from him, like to see him more, or more money to help out, or some private time with just him and you, that's a different thing. Just ask him. But you can't tell parents who to love, you can't tell a man just to leave a woman and kids and dump them. That is wrong.
Just don't call him for a couple of days. He probably has a lot on his plate anyway.
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