A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:I have been married for 25 years. We were the couple every one wanted to be like. We have always been in love, a deep passionate love to the core of our souls. As the kids got older and their behavior as teenagers got out of control, we began to focus on the kids and their drama and have put our marriage on the backseat. I have made a lot of mistakes, I have put my children and their drama ahead of my husbands needs. He has now informed me that he is "Done". He doesnt love me like that anymore. We have not had sex in over a year, he said its because he doesnt have those kinds of feelings for me. He doesnt want to work it out. He just wants out. He is done... I am desperate for any advice I can get !!!! I love my husband with all my heart and I need to help repair the damage that I have done to him by putting him on the back burner.... Any suggestions. He refuses counseling. " There is no point" I am done".... Please, HELP ME !!!!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): maybe it is just a case that he is at the end of his rope and can't see any good anymore becuase of all the strains with the kids, he may also be suffeeing from depression amd not wan't to admit it too you, men tend to hide things like that, he is maybe angry inside and doesn't want to let it out, so acn see no other way than running away from it all.I'm sure going by what you have said about the lenght of time and kind if relationship yuo had he must feel something for you,he maybe just can't see the light anymore. Make the effort to suggest nice paces for you to go, dress like a movie star to show him what he has and slowly suggest he goes in the bath or shower with you, he is lost and needs gently re-assured about everything again, your love for him is strong and that will shine through and lead him back out his dark period. Be patient and gentle and hopefully he will see you for the person you really are. Good luck. x x
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (4 March 2009):
 I think it's a common problem. Men quite often get put on the back burner. Unfortunately a lot of resentment builds if it's not caught early enough. If you did treat him this way, then I suppose the only thing you could do is apologize and beg forgiveness. I'm surprised he doesn't want counselling but then again, I'm not aware of how much you neglected him
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (4 March 2009):
 Wow. This is a tough one. First of all, hugs to you.
I am single, and I do not have experience as a marriage councellor. So I feel a bit intimidated in trying to offer just a bit of help here. Please forgive me if my inputs will not be that helpul.
So here goes.
I have two male friends who when they were in their fifties (different decades when it happended) thought they were unhappy in their married life. Each of them said to their wive that they wanted out. So they separated. Ten - twenty years later (yes, one is 74 now, and the other one is in his 60s), they are still married to the same woman they married. I asked them how long they were separated from their wives. One was separated for only 2 days (I had to laugh when he told me that ... hardly a separation is it, when it is only 2 days), and the other one 2 months. I asked them why they returned to their [respective] wives. Each gave the same answer: they felt that it was not worth throwing everything away - of the 20 years they have invested in their lives, With the wife, with the children. With their integrated lives.
The reasons they wanted out of the marriage was similar to yours: too much time was spent on the children growing up. As a result, the husband felt that he was growing apart because their interests also branched out in different directions: she with the children and he in providing for the family. .But when they left, they realized what was missing ... and that was the life they had together that they left behind.
I guess with the story (of my friends), what I learnt from them is that they realized that (1) the good times were far more memorable and valuable than the bad times, (2) the bad times made them stronger people, (3) they had already invested 20 years of their lives together, and stayed intact, so there was indeed something that did work, and (4) they remembered what it was that they loved about their wife, and they felt that nobody knew them better than the wife, and (5) that starting again would be just as painful as terminating a marriage.
I don't know how you "neglected" your husband. Was it simply putting his needs aside, like not going out with him to the pub, or not ironing his clothes, or not accompanying him to the doctor, or not preparing meals for him? Or was it, perhaps, all of the above plus some yelling at him? A lot?
If it was the latter, I am afraid that would be considered as abuse, verbal it may be, but still it was an abusive behaviour. And abusive behaviour is more difficult to change. If attention and time spent on him was the issue, it would be easier to convince him that, when the children are on their own, you can devote your time to him.
On the other hand, I was wondering also, why was your husband not involved as much as you were, in managing your teenage children's dramas? Was it because you told him not to? Or you were impatient with his approach? Or that he did not make time due to his work committments in order to provide for the family? Did he feel that he carried little weight in "bringing up the children" because you were very capable on your own?
I think when he said he is "Done", that was just the tip of the iceberg. I am inclined to say that you both need to identify the other issues that he has not told you yet. He may have tried to talk to you in the past, but like you said, you probably had not listened to him then. If that had been going on for years, it may be a bit more difficult to heal his "pains". But, like my friends whose stories I wrote in the earlier paragraphs, he may just be able to look past the pain and see that whole picture - not a perfect picture - of the life he has invested in the marriage.
I did not ask if my friends had help from marriage counsellors, but they did say that it the two years following their "reunion" were a bit rough. But they rode the waves, and they are glad that they worked it out then.
If worse comes to worse, and you both decided to formally go on your separate lives, you need to start looking at options of dividing your joint property and finances. I hope you do not get to this.
You can't hold him against his will if he wanted to leave the house. But perhaps you can ask him if you can still talk to him and discuss the marriage even when you are separated. Perhaps he would have a cooler head and clearer mind when he is not in his usual home surroundings, so your discussions with him would not be too emotional and both of you keep your cool..
Hope all works out the best for you.
Cat
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): It is possible that irrepairable damage has been done. Did he file for divorce? If not, he might just need more time to fume. The truth is it takes two saying I do to make a marraige and only one to say I'm done. If he hasn't left yet, be patient with him and take care of your self any way you can. You don't have to give up yet, but you do need to think about what you will do if he is serious.
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