A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, I have a situation. My husband of 3 years told me 8 months ago that he cheated on me. The girl is a close friend of us both. Actually, she is the sister of his best friend. He cheated on me about 8 months after we were married and I was 3 months pregnant at the time. He told me he did it because he was stressed. We had a baby on the way, he hated his job and all of the bills were adding up. So, while I worked 2-10 nights at my job, he was at home with her fooling around while his friend was in the other room not knowing what was going on. This went on for about a month he said. But when he found out we were having a boy he swore to himself he would never do something like that again. He didn't even tell me about it until our son was a year old. But for the past 8 months I have been driving myself crazy. Everything was perfect and now everything has gone to crap. I want to trust him, I just don't know how to. I have thought about leaving but the thought of being a single mom and having to start all over scares the hell out of me. No one in our family knows about this. I know if they knew things would definitely end sour. Any advice would be very helpful. I have had this bottled up for 8 months and just need someone from the outside looking in to tell me if I am stupid, crazy or what?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009):
It saddens me when I read stories like yours.I empathise with your pain. Do you really think he thinks that you gave him an open door to do whatever he wants? Is it not your internal dialogue? Sometimes we believe that dialogue when it’s not even true.
I think this is where your problem is when you say “but I feel like he has already started changing back to himself.” Maybe he has been living up to how he thinks you want him to be and finds it stressful. It’s easy to keep up the pretence when you have something that excites both of you for example having a son that is what you both wanted. I hope you see what I am trying to say.
I tell you a story about the oatmeal guy .The first time he slept over at his girlfriends place, she served him her favourite breakfast, oatmeal. He didn’t mention that he hated oatmeal, because he didn’t any disagreement between them, especially after they’d just had sex. He didn’t question the thought that telling her the truth would displease her. After they got married, she often made oatmeal and he continued to eat it. He thought if he admitted to loathing oatmeal now, he would displease her, since he would reveal he’d been dishonest for a long time. He would rather eat oatmeal than face what he believed his wife would think of him if he told the truth. And oatmeal is what he is eating 23yrs later.
Communicate with each other. Tell him that his reasons for doing what he done don’t make sense. You want to make your relationship work but can’t because he needs to be true to himself. He needs to be more honest with you and you need to stop having dialogues in your head that causes you separation from him .His sweet and sour turns could be him feeding off your emotions .The only way it will work is if you both talk about your fears and anxieties.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): I am not sure. I have really never thought about it. I would love to think it would have been the same either way. Maybe because that's what we were both hoping for. Maybe because men typically want a little boy. I don't know. He loves our son to death, but I feel like he has already started changing back to himself. Like maybe he is cheating now. He was sweet and for a few months, now its sour. I feel like I let him off the hook. Like, by me staying pretty much gave him an open door to do whatever he wants and he thinks I'm not going anywhere. Make sense?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): No, he told me when our son was year old. But when he found out I was having a boy he stopped everything. This happened in the month of March and I found out I was having a boy in April. Right at the beginning of April. Thank you all for the post. I am hoping to have some more feedback on this. I'm still just not sure what I need to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2009): No your not stupid or crazy, your husband on the other hand is! Being stressed is such a lame excuse of why he cheated, and u say he told you when u told him the baby was a boy? So correct me if i got the wrong end of the stick, but if you had, had a girl.. Would he still have been cheating? Hes a loser and an idiot but i understand when u say single parenting seems scary and major constant hard work. It really does seem hard when u look at it that way, but i think you are strong enough to live with out him. Best wishes and stay strong
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