A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have had a very turbulent relationship with my husband for nearly 20 years. in this time he has been emotionally and sometimes physically violent towards me. We have had 3 children but 2 were adopted at a young age and 1 remained with us. They were adopted because of his physical abuse towards one of them. Our children are all now teenagers and the 2 which were adopted, particularly the one that he abused, now have contact with myself and their brother who is with me but they do not want anything to do with their father. Their father doesnt try to make amends for what has happened to them he just says that he doesnt care about them (because he knows that they dont like him) we are split up at the moment (this is not something unusual it happens on a regular basis) as a few weeks ago the son that lives with me had an argument with his father and does not like it when his father is around most of the time as he trys to control him and my son also has witnessed myself being abused etc.. My son is now standing up to his father which his father does not like. The biggest problem i have from being able to break free from this relationship is that my husband always makes me feel guilty for everything and doesnt take responsibility for anything. When we have been split up and get back together he will spend loads of money on me and my son, do all the cooking and lots of other nice things but then he changes slowly and throws it all back in my face and says that i do nothing for him and buy him nothing, which is untrue. I also go of sex with him because he will start showing me his private parts and saying things like "come and get your mouth round this". I have told him i hate being spoke to this way but he still does it, and then that puts me off him. When i dont agree with him on issues or other things he will threaten to leave me. i just dont understand myself at all and keep thinking there is something wrong with me to stay with him after all he has done to me and my kids are telling me the same to. If i was to write all the things that he has done, then you would all think that he was a very sick person, so what does that make me? Also a few years ago he even told me that he needs to control me and that he knows its wrong. Can anybody shed some light as to why i stay with him please?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks to all of you that have replied, i feel alot better already when you all reassure me that i am not at fault. someone said that you sensed that something happened in my past maybe for me to be the way i am. i can say that i myself was adopted as a 2 year old child, i found my natural mother at the age of 15 but have only just in the last year sort of really had anything to do with her. i think i do have some issues maybe with my childhood. but still i feel full of guilt and its as though i can hear my husband in my head going on at me that everythings my fault and always having an excuse if you challenge him about anything. i also only married him 2 years ago and deep down i knew it wasnt right and i didnt tell any of my friends or relatives as i knew they would say i was being stupid. also as my son has got older now (the one who lives with me) he is nearly 17, my husband has sometimes mentioned having another baby. he tells me that it is not because he wants one really but it is because its the only way to keep me. i dont know if i may need some antidepressants to help my low moods abit. i really do want to stay away from him now, i have done it before for a few years and im sure i can do it again for good, hes not the sort that will come and hazzle me either, he just waits for me to contact him and sometimes when i dont then he contacts me. i also think alot of the time that if he met someone else then he might be nice to them and if he was nice to them then i would think it really was my fault, as why would he be nice to someone else if theres nothing wrong with him. his pychiatrist has also just recently diagnosed him with cyclothmia which is a milder form of bipolar disorder which he sometimes blames me for, and he takes a few valium tablets every month when he gets stressed. i dont know what is wrong with him at all. im always trying to work out what is wrong with him and i know i shouldnt even care.
A
female
reader, miss fit +, writes (4 May 2007):
christ on a bike!! shoot your kids why don't you? i don't mean to sound harsh but your only thinking about yourself. break up with this creep. through the fog of my crystal ball i see restraining orders. . .
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (4 May 2007):
 You stay as a victim of domestic violence who has been run down over the years by various abusive incidents. Both you and your kids need a specialist type of family therapy for families affected by domestic violence and child abuse. Your GP can advise you on local availability. Domestic violence perpetrators are often individuals with low self esteem, a history of abuse in their own childhood and rather conservative attitudes towards women/ children. In the absence of power in other aspects of his life, he takes it out on you instead. You are right to see him as a sick person, feel sorry for him if you like but don't passively accept the situation. You are still a young woman and have time to start again in a new, happier life. Contact women's aid for advice on the legal and psychological aspects of your situation. Personally I think you have a responsibility to your children as much as yourself to seek help. Through counselling you will uncover the reasons personal to you that account for your need to go back to him. However, you should be aware that going back to him is akin to giving drugs to an addict. You are sending a message that his behaviour is acceptable - it is clearly not - perhaps your long-term departure will provoke him to seek the treatment he so badly needs.
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A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (4 May 2007):
 I don't know if I would not do the same as you and just stay with him and endure even if I would not it would be not good for me. Why? Becaus when I get married I make a decission to be with this person for the rest of my life. And I don't like braking a promis. And probably to marry someone is the biggest promis you can make. Also I would not leave him because of my proud. If I would leave him, I would admit to my family and friends that when I married this man, I made a big mistake and also I would admit that I didn't reach my aim to have a good wedlock. And the worst of it, I would admit this to myselfe. My aim was to have a good wedlock, but I missed my target. But don't confuse your goals with your wishes. To have a good marriage is a wish, not an aim. Because for a good marriage there are two, not only you. You can only do your best. So your aim would be to be a good wife. For this only you are responsible.One other reason could be that you think you don't deserve better. I get the sense that something has happend to you before and you feel you deserve to be treated that way, its sometimes a way we are treated when younger... I might be wrong and I don't want to comme accross as judgemental, but if there is sometihng, you need to adress this and seek some help. Also if there is nothing, I would suggest you to go to a counsellor.You may are religious and belief that a divorce is not right. But God is a loving God and he only wants the best for you! He will forgive you! He knows that beeing with a husband that abuses you and doesn't treat you well, is not the best for you. You deserve better. You can allway pray and ask Him for help.But I think the best way for you to find out why you stay professional counselling will help and help you to find a way out of this situation.Be blessed!
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