A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Sorry for the long question, I need to set the background. And I really need help (I thought about going to a shrink, but I can't afford it).I'm a foreign PhD in the US. My English language is good but not great. I go along pretty well. I enjoy my study. I enjoy my life here. I'm middle eastern. After I came here, I was able to be open about my secularism, then (later) atheism. I learned to drink alcohol and I really enjoy the experience. I'm virgin. I never had a girlfriend because it's wasn't appropriate where I came from. I used (and still) have great sex drive. I watch porn and masturbate daily. It seems to be the case with all young men back home, because we're all horny and can't get laid until marriage. When I came here, I realized that I have more options in my life, not just sex and drinking. But I'm now in a middle of deep personal crisis. I love what I do, and I like to excel in it. But recently (six month), I've been trying desperately to have sex, but I can't. Being a graduate student mean that my circle is closed, and my free time is limited. Being a foreigner, and middle eastern, (a bit) alienates me from certain circles. All my friends are foreign grad students. I tried the club-scene (I don't really know, I'm new to this stuff - at this age!). I'm really shy around girls who speak fluent English. I can't get enough confidence.Beside, I don't want to get in a relationship because my goals are unclear. I'm so horny and that might mix up things, and be unfair to the girl.I tried craigslist, it's all scam bots. I just feel loser. And more importantly, the sex is on my mind constantly. I'm very curious about it; just like when I was 15 or something!I see most of my American colleagues are single as well. PhD is a tough load. The only thing on my mind now is going to a prostitute. I want to try once! I feel uncomfortable about doing that. The feeling is crushing me. Seriously, it started to affect my mood, and my concentration.Any advice, words of wisdom?!
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confidence, crush, horny, middle eastern, never had a girlfriend, porn, prostitute, sex drive, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): Okay, I am really shocked to see the answers here!!
A prostitute? Do you really want to get stds or possible other 'side-effects'? How do you know for sure she doesn't have any? (Even if she 'recently' got tested?) Some things like hiv can only be verified after three months or so, as far as I know.. (Do research it.)
I think you need to stop watching porn and masturbating and going to such sites, because that is just making things worse.
I'm not against masturbating or porn as such, I just know they can be an 'escape' from other problems sometimes - especially if they make you feel like you describe here..
They can become an addiction, and even having sex may not be 'the' answer, some people just get dragged to more sex then (or to more 'kinky' stuff - again, I am not against 'kinky', only when it becomes a problem to hinder your life), some even develop 'sex addiction' or such (and if you also have social anxiety with that it can just make things worse..)
There was a show on Oprah where a guy (a psychologist I think) said that he was actually thinking about cheating on his wife and realized it was just from too much stress and pressure.
So think about it. Is there any specific stress and 'pressure' on you right now? (Probably is.) Maybe it's before exams or you've been postponing the thesis or...?
There may be unanswered questions/anxieties/worries about the future etc.
What can you do about those things other than that? (Sex - in private with oneself or another person - is just ONE way to RELAX and when the stress will be over you will feel less 'pressure' too...)
You said you are shy, maybe you have social anxiety or social phobia.. Have you tried looking for help with that?
Have you read about CBT or other ways of combatting SA and negative thoughts etc? Or ACT.. Or EFT or TAT...
You can learn a lot online too..
The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burns is a great book with intro on CBT, I really recommend it.
Maybe you can write down your worries or even 'worst case scenarios' and go through that with CBT... (and then write 'best case scenarios' too and see usually real life is somewhere inbetween...)
Even if your future is uncertain, maybe you can find a girl who is adventurous and would LOVE to accept many different options in life.. Those that you are considering.. Just make sure to be upfront with her when/before things get serious, get to know her well first..
I know the life of a postgrad student can be tough. (Even for native speakers.)
And many complain of loneliness/anxiety.. Many intelligent people can have SA or other problems anyway..
Can you find time for some social life other than clubs and such? Maybe take an interesting course or meet interesting people online in a more friendly setting (not Craiglist)
(In that case still it applies to get to know a person really well and eg go with them to get tested etc)
What about any multicultural events or volunteering or such? 'Science for kids' or such? Two of my friends met husbands at events/holidays for kids where they were both volunteers... (I know you're not looking for a wife, you might just meet someone nice and sorta reliable?)
I think accents and people from different cultures are attractive too..
I even had a crush on a PhD guy who was an international student.. :)
I wouldn't mind a virgin with an interesting accent, but I would mind it if the guy had slept with a prostitute before me though..
So, maybe some things to consider...
A
male
reader, Nithyanala  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Well obviously I'm not going to advice against it...if you're lucky you may even find a considerate, competent escort like some I've known and like I always tried to be. Do be safe though and if it's illegal where you are, travel to place where it is legit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, everyone. You made me feel warmer! I appreciate the advices.
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A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (25 October 2010):
 I think that you should go ahead and have sex with a prostitute.
You have gotten to a point where sex is crowding your mind and keeping you from doing more important things.
Find a good classy call girl online, not a skanky one who stands on street corners.
Once you have sex, I can imagine the release will help you feel more comfortable around women too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2010): hala habibi!
Ill write in english since this board is in english lol so hopefully u can understand my writing.
I too am also middle eastern check the flag and youll see why i left the us lol. Im 25, recently lost it to a prostitute, however, I had mental issues more than physical issues in dealing with my virginity. I went thru counseling to help aid in the decision. I dont regret it as it was a pleasant experience. I paid top dollar and i mean top dollar. Do not skimp on budget as paying a lower price will get you a cold, rushed service.
Your hormones are driving you here and Id put that in check. What about your emotions? What about the logic? Dont be like MANY other people and just go and sleep with some skank a$$ bitch cause you have physical needs. You need to think about it more clearly and weigh in any possible consequences both from the act and any future consequences esp if u were to ever get romantically involved with any girl. Im a very emotional guy, or was I should say. That bit below me where it says youll fall in love with the girl who takes "it" from you is total BS. I went in the hotel, did my thing, was passionate with her, had a pleasant convo and left. No big deal. It was my objective and I finished it. You go into the situation based on any emotion especially if ur lonely or any of that crap then ur gonna feel emotional afterwards. Its all about logic baby and if you do that and make a decision hopefully its the right one for you. Good luck on this.
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (25 October 2010):
 I personally wouldnt do this but you'd be surprised how respected that profession is in other parts of the world. Amsterdam for example has legalised it, however, the women who do it undergo lots of health testing and they will ask for your personal details so that they can track you down if they contract something from someone.
What I'm trying to say is, be sure to confirm that she is a proper legit prostitute.
You only believe it's wrong or questionable because that's what you've been taught. In fact it's the oldest known profession in the world.
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (25 October 2010):
Post an ad for FWB and no strings relationship. Make sure you understand it purely for relief. As a virgin we tend to fall in love with the female that takes it. Just remind yourself it fake love and just lust.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (25 October 2010):
I would say no...unless you go to Vegas and get a legit prostitute which is gonna cost you some money...in the hundreds at least. Prostitution is very illegal and if you go and try to pick some hooker up on the street, chances are she'll be missing teeth since she's probably a meth or heroin addict and probably have several diseases. I know there's protection, but it really doesn't protect you from everything, you can still contract herpes and warts even with a condom. Besides that, there's cops lurking around in the areas where there are known prostitutes and some are undercover.
So here's a short pros and cons list: CONS-possibly contracting STDs and/or getting arrested. PROS-getting laid.
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A
female
reader, legemini  +, writes (25 October 2010):
I think you should go ahead and have sex with a prostitute. I actually think that more men should do this for their casual sex needs than to trick, lie and psychologically abuse women who are interested in a real relationship. Just make sure you use protection and that you try to find a reputable source (not sure how that will happen). Be careful.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (25 October 2010):
 I think the advice you're going to get is wait till the right girl comes along...
but I understand your position.
Where I studied,I would see students from India or Middle East.
They looked desperate,just as you describe,because they were virgins. Some would sound very ridiculous,telling girls they love them just so they can FINALLY have sex.
You should have had sex a long ago. But you were unable to do so. You are not the same person anymore. You have changed.It's hard to deal witht the NEW YOU.If you go back to your country,you will probably can't stand being back. You will experience a big culture shock.
Now,what to do?
I think you should have sex with a prostitute,because you have reached the point where sex rules your life. You don't want to lie to a girl by persuading her to have sex with you for the wrong reasons and I respect you for that.
But...Don't think sleeping with a prostitute will solve your problem. You need to socialize more. It might be hard,but you need to do something about it otherwise you will always sleep with prostitutes.
Do you think you are an attractive man? Looks-wise,Physically speaking.
You can PM me for further info.
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