A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, I'm 24, employed and living at home. I've been helping out with bills etc and when my mom told me she was buying a house with my stepfather I got concerned because I've been wanting to move out for ages. She doesn't make a lot and isn't in the best of health. He makes more but is paying off a new car... My boyfriend and I have fallen in love and want to live together. We've discussed this extensively and gone over both our finances etc so we can be prepared. We plan on marrying one day in the future...I am Americanized but my mom believes in her culture where good girls do not leave home until marriage. I'm not ready to marry and I need to leave home. I love my family but I need to figure out my own identity and get to know my boyfriend better. In past years, I've had to deal with my brother getting a dog without asking, I've been sleeping in the living room, I worked nights and rarely slept because the dog barked all the time and my brother banged the door going in and out. I almost got fired for falling asleep at work. Had to sleep at friends houses sometimes. My things were destroyed, I could never organize my settings. I'm always expected to care for my young sibling and I didn't mind cause I love her but the relationship isn't healthy as she thinks of me as her mother in a sense. I feel guilty thinking like this, I don't mind helping out financially if I leave but I feel the need to move out. How can I make my mother understanding?
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female
reader, goldie22  +, writes (8 April 2016):
Move out sweetie. You need a place of your own. Your mum will find it hard, none of us like the thought of our " babies" moving off to be on their own but it has to be done some time or other. In a modern world I think living with your partner before marriage is far better, can you imagine marrying and then finding out that you can't stand living with them after 6 months!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 April 2016):
 I don’t think your mother would have any trouble understanding why you’d want to move out. I think what you’re afraid of is that she won’t accept it as a happy thing. There’s not much you can do about resetting her cultural norms, that’s just something she’ll have to figure out on her own.
If you are sleeping in the living room it’s beyond time for you to move out. There’s no space for you.
I would move out, explaining why and then figure out how to cope like a duck, and let the inevitable downpour slide right off your feathers.
Eventually, as CindyCares points out, the emotional dust will settle and you’ll have a new relationship with your mother; perhaps a far healthier one for the both of you.
One point I’d like to make is that you don’t necessarily have to move in with boyfriend. You can move in with friends in an apartment, for example. I wouldn’t recommend moving in with boyfriend until you are really fully committed.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 April 2016):
 As the other ladies said, just move out. You can take a horse to the water but you can't make it drink.
I think your mother understands perfectly already (... it's not that difficut to figure out ) that at 24 you want and need space, privacy, indipendence, a good sleep and your man beside you in bed. It's just that she thinks that your wants and needs should be subordinated to HER wants and needs : those for your financial contribution,help around the house , an obedient daughter that does not draw criticism from friends and relatives, and the general conservation of the status quo.
If she comes from a culture and society where it's a given that parents'wants and needs trump anytime children's wants and needs, she does not even have to feel guilty or see herself as selfish. Simply, she embraces a certain mentality and set of rules.
Which does not mean that you have to do the same.
You can agree to disagree. You can make your own rules, and still love your mom. And also have a good, or good enough, relationship with her. Maybe not today, right away, but in time, once the emotional dust has settled.
I think maybe she'll respect you more for standing up for yourself. When we get to keep someone under our thumb, we may love him / her... but rarely respect him/her.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (8 April 2016):
Unfortunately, we can never MAKE anybody understand something or change their minds if they have firmly entrenched beliefs. We can talk and explain until we're blue in the face but we can't MAKE them.
But you're 24, earning your own wage and living in a country where you are considered to be independent - there is no reason why you can't just move out.
I've a feeling (and I could be wrong)that you've posted about this before. I don't think you'll ever be able to change your mother's mind or attitudes so you'll have to decide whether pleasing your parents or looking after yourself is more important. And if you're at risk of losing your job because you're so sleepy at work, then you should please yourself.
I'm sorry that I can't give you that magic word or phrase to use to make your mother "see sense". I think you'll just have to learn to live without her disapproval. What do you think will happen if you just move out?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 April 2016):
 Everything else you said besides you are not marrying your boyfriend yet are reasons why you are moving out. I am sure your mother is aware of your living situation now. If you have to explain this to her I wonder how much of a denial she is in. I think she is worried that your boyfriend would not be responsible for marriage at the end and that you would end up like her, a single mom for some time. I think getting enough sleep and being able to function is more important. No need for further explanation. Just pack, and tell her the date you are moving out.
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