A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I have been with my husband for almost 7 years and we only got married in about 5 months ago. He doesn't engage in sex and shows no interest and I am always the on instigating it. He jumps when I try to touch him and he comes up with excuses all the time. We spoke about wanting children before marriage. First get a house etc. once all accomplished and all boxes ticked all I hear is excuses. He does not look at me in a sexual way and I really try to make an effort but have now given up as I am tired. Overall, we probably have sex 3-4 times a year based on how things are going. This has been going on for about 2 years. We are more like good mates than anything else. I need your advise, especially from a guys perspective...what on earth is going on with him? He tells me he loves me but doesn't show it and there is zero effort or romance from his side. I am really tired and my patience has run out to all of his excuses. It feels like I am missing out on life and what I should be enjoying but I am being deprived of. Is there hope or is this marriage doomed!PS: I don't think he is having an affair. Any advice is appreciated.Thanks you.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (8 April 2016):
 Regarding this: " He tells me he loves me but doesn't show it and there is zero effort or romance from his side."
When a person doesn't do whatever it takes to confirm that they love you.... then, listen to them!!!!
This guy doesn't love... .may, never love you.... so YOU have to take the initiative. I suggest you ASK HIM.... such as:
You: "Hunchy-Bunchy, do you love me?"
Him: "Of course I love you. I don't cheat on you."
You: "Hunchy-Bunchy, you don't even cheat on ME... WITH ME!!!!"
Him: "So you understand?"
You: "What I understand.. is that you don't exhibit any love toward me... and you think that by NOT being a bastardly boyfriend/hubby you are expressing love. All that tells me is that you're indifferent to me."
Him: "What's so bad about indifference?"
You: "Listen, Hunchy-Bunchy.... indifference, not hatred, is the OPPOSITE of love.... If you are content with "indifferent".... then get a dog to love."
Him: "Damn, Babe, you seem a little on-edge tonight... should you take some more meds?"
You: "Good-bye.... forever..."
Stage direction: Sound of slamming door....
Good luck...
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 April 2016):
Regarding this: " He tells me he loves me but doesn't show it and there is zero effort or romance from his side."
When a person doesn't do whatever it takes to confirm that they love you.... then, listen to them!!!!
This guy doesn't love... .may, never love you.... so YOU have to take the initiative. I suggest you ASK HIM.... such as:
You: "Hunchy-Bunchy, do you love me?"
Him: "Of course I love you. I don't cheat on you."
You: "Hunchy-Bunchy, you don't even cheat on ME... WITH ME!!!!"
Him: "So you understand?"
You: "What I understand.. is that you don't exhibit any love toward me... and you think that by NOT being a bastardly boyfriend/hubby you are expressing love. All that tells me is that you're indifferent to me."
Him: "What's so bad about indifference?"
You: "Listen, Hunchy-Bunchy.... indifference, not hatred, is the OPPOSITE of love.... If you are content with "indifferent".... then get a dog to love."
Him: "Damn, Babe, you seem a little on-edge tonight... should you take some more meds?"
You: "Good-bye.... forever..."
Stage direction: Sound of slamming door....
Good luck...
...............................
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (8 April 2016):
 There could be great number of things that would cause a man not to have sex and it is hard to point to any one that could be the cause of why your man does not want sex as much as you do. Things like lack of stamina, low testosterone, mental condition dealing with intimacy, too much masturbation, porn, identity reversal now that you are his wife, medication, difficulty sustaining erections... I know of one case where the guy was hiding his Asperger's syndrome yet it was his autism that would overwhelm his sensory receptors during sex that would make him afraid to even attempt having it.
While your frustration is normal, after so many years with him, I think you need to invest time in convincing him to get some professional help. Having sex 3-4 times per year is not normal, but it is only a professional who can mediate through this maze of privacy that could be of help in figuring out the cause.
Before you give up on this marriage, you should arrange for a professional to find out what his problem is, and how to deal with it. I would assume if that fails, marriage may fail as well given the significance sex plays in marriage. He needs to be aware of the possibility of failure, and should one of the reasons that he should agree to the professional help.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 April 2016):
 There's an old joke that might provide a simple solution; "mother, I really like this guy and I want him to ask me to marry him, how do I get him to really want me?" "You go to his house with a six pack of cold beer, show up naked and don't block the TV." We men are simple creatures we want food beer and sex... that's ALL we want! Alternatively and no joke. He may have a problem. Has he had a recent prostate exam? An enlarged prostate can cause ED (Erectile Dysfunction) Otherwise, a urologist may be needed to diagnose a "fix" Meanwhile the rest of us guys are wondering what's the problem. Most wives do not want sex more than 3 times a year.. So there's always that to mull over.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (8 April 2016):
 Some men prefer women to initiate sex. It can be due to past experiences eg the partner at the time didn't often feel like it. So, in the end, the message he got was don't bother asking because it will either be rejected, or she will act like it's a chore. In the meantime he will have learned to take care of his own sexual release.
My advice would be to be persistent, be gentle and loving. Keep trying until he has relearned his role, and you can both be free to start some loving when the mood takes you. Try making a move in a few unusual places. That might bring the fun back.
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