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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My fiancee keeps changing his mind about what he wants, and whether he wants our wedding to go ahead, and now I'm pregnant I'm scared he will say he isn't sure if he wants a family. I'm just so confused by his behaviour and I need some advice on how best to deal with it.So, he is a almost 6 years older, at 30. I'm 24 and I have been with him for almost 8 years. He is good friends with a cousin of mine, and that is how we met. When I turned 21, he made a big show of asking me to marry him on a holiday we took with friends to celebrate. (My friend celebrated her birthday the same week). But when we got back, I wasn't to book anything or plan anything until he was ready to actually do it. I thought it was odd but I hadn't intended to plan anything for a while anyway as I still lived at home and wanted to live together before we did. After a while he asked me to look at getting a flat together but it took him almost 5 months to 'be sure', it was the right thing to do. Its like anything to do with our relationship proceeding to the next step, he can't make up his mind whether he wants it or not. So late 2013, I decided to end our relationship as I couldn't take it anymore. I hadn't been able to even buy a wedding magazine or look online at dress without him reminding me that we weren't planning to do it for another few years. I wanted to move forward and he didn't. In April 2014, after months of talking and such, he told me that he did want to marry me but he didn't want to rush it as it was such a big step. He didn't think that at the time of asking me clearly and I explained that to him. During the summer months we became close again and we started seeing each other again. We weren't engaged or living together and we took things slowly. Then he decided to start talking about me moving back in with him and setting up a savings account for the wedding. He even arranged an engagement party for us over the new year. I guess I was so surprised by it all I went with it. Last month I was late and took a test and discovered I'm pregnant. I'm 10 weeks along. I haven't yet told my fiancee as I'm scared of his reaction. I'm not sure how I felt pregnant as I have been on the pill since before our relationship but I miss have messed it up, or it just failed. I'm scared he will think I did it on purpose to push him into more commitment but I'm so happy he is actually starting to plan the wedding, I wouldn't even dream of doing such a thing!I know I need to tell him, but I need to be sure he won't suddenly get unsure again and run away. I need him to grow up basically. I'm just not sure how to handle this all and what to do if he does run. I'm anti abortion, so that is a no go with me, and he knows this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2015): I have to agree with the anon female who said the public proposal and engagement party were just for show. I don't think he has or ever had any intention of marrying you, he's just telling you want to hear and making himself look good while being careful not to make any concrete promises to which he can be held.
As others have said, you need to prepare for the very real possibility that he will not be a part of his child's life and plan accordingly. I suggest you consult a family attorney.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2015): I think you need to financially, emotionally and physically prepare to be a single Mum. He sounds like he will never grow up? Do you have close family who know and who will support you?
Or think about a termination. If you don't want to do it alone (because this guy DOES sound like a flaker) and you can't handle such a massive lifetime responsibility alone, and I wouldn't blame you, then act fast, as you still have time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 April 2015):
Prepare to do this alone (pregnancy and child) and just tell him already. He will NOT instantly grow up or change.
If he is so wishy washy, he may not be the ROCK you need.
Was the pregnancy a "surprise"? Because I HAVE to question why you would not ensure NOT to get pregnant with a guy who is this flakey.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 April 2015):
 Just tell him already. No, actually you do not "need " to make sure that your pregnancy won't make him unsure again. In fact, as other posters have commented, if , as you do, you exclude the possibility of an abortion and you are going to keep the baby anyway, his attitude toward marriage becomes rather irrelevant. Bottom line is, you are going to be a mother, and he is going to become a father , whether he likes it or not- ( and he is going to have to pay child support, whether he likes it or not ). That you are going to be an unwed mother , or a married mom, is not the main thing. The main thing is that from now on you focus on your child's wellbeing, and not on your bf's tantrums.
In fact, seeing as flaky and fickle he has shown to be, I think it would be wiser of you just to REFUSE anyway to go ahead with the wedding and put it on hold for a good while. If HE decides to show his seriousness and committment through CONSISTENT behaviour, what better chance than this he is being offered now, that of becoming a present, responsible, reliable parent ( and person ). After at least one year or more of handling his committments consistently, if he still wants that, you can "reward" his steadfastness with marriage . Otherwise - too bad; maybe it wasn't meant to be- ... or he was just stringing you along since day one.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (17 April 2015):
 I think the wisest thing that you can do is to start taking care of yourself and your baby. Go see a doctor, get checked out, start taking vitamins, stop smoking/drinking if you have those habits. If you have family/friends that will support you then lean on them, confide in them.
I'm sorry to say but your boyfriend sounds flaky and not very reliable. Having a child doesn't make a person grow up unless they WANT to. Sometimes it freaks men out and causes them to act even more immature. The sooner you talk to him and tell him what is going on..the better. At least you will have some idea what he is thinking and what you may or may not expect from him.
I got pregnant at 19, and my fiance was 19 also. We got married thinking that was the right thing to do. I grew up very quickly..he regressed to about a 15 year old..staying out all night with friends and just having a good old time. He didn't want to change diapers, or watch the baby when I was working, etc. The marriage lasted 2 years. It was a disaster all the way around.
I hope your boyfriend is more mature than my ex was, but please be prepared if he isn't. Have a plan all set up no matter HOW he acts. I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 April 2015):
 Well the thing is you are having this baby whether he bolts or not. And he will have to be responsible for his child whether he marries you or not.
THAT is not changing.
So no matter what you do there is a baby coming either you will be a newlywed with a baby or you will be a single mom with a bio dad who can't commit to things.
ARe you getting prenatal care yet? if not start that.
Do you want to just get married say at the courthouse now? and not have a wedding? You now have the options of being a very pregnant bride or walking down the aisle with baby in tow.
If he runs you say "ok maybe when you grow up you can be a good dad" and you go on your way to be the best single mom you have.
IF you don't tell him soon he's going to ask why your boobs are getting bigger and your getting fat and how come you aren't drinking or smoking.
This is not going to change... You are pregnant. (and yes BCPs do fail it happens) You are either going to be with him as a happy family or not but there is a baby coming.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2015): Well,from my point of view 8 years of "commitment" is plenty and mistakes do happen, condoms break,pills do fail (even if it a small number of cases, it still happens).The only fool-proof way NOT to have a baby is actually NOT to have sex, which I mean com'mon. So I won't judge you as harshly as birdy.Your situation whilst not the same as mine, has some common ground. You started dating him when you were 16? Wow, that's young. I guess he was your first everything?See, the thing is I get him (I suppose I'm like him rather than like you)- throughout all this time have you never had any doubts? As in, what will it be like with other guys? What qualities does he have that maybe you can't live with for the next 60+ years?See, is not that I don't want things "to move forward" as you described, is more that I want to be BEYOND sure that this is the right person for me, they will stay good/nice etc.See,this is my biggest pitfall, of course, coz nothing in life is guaranteed. Even less so in love.I'm like you are on the abortion front (i.e. if it happens, even it happens involuntarily I still don't want to have the death of an innocent human being on MY hands and is not fair that it should suffer because of MY mistakes), so yeah,very anti.Then I'm like your bf maybe on the marriage front- I have to make BEYOND sure,coz once I've made that commitment, that is it for me, FOR LIFE. Happy/unhappy,sickness/whatever else I have no intention of leaving even if it gets bad.So that's why I kinda need to make sure that it will be good/tolerable.Just spill the beans.He'll either grow up or he won't. Honestly he is not your responsibility. Only the child is.So figure out contingency plans and remove drama from your life if he creates it. You don't need drama right now, you need support.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2015): From what you say it sounds like his marriage proposal and the engagement party are purely for show to make him look good. Behind the scenes, he's not committed to you at all. I've been in a similar situation with someone and it's best to get out altogether. He won't change. It's not so much about growing up as to do with this man being utterly selfish and narcissistic. He wants to LOOK like he's such a great guy in front of others, but he doesn't care much at all about your feelings - and if he does, it's after the event of putting his own needs,desires, insecurities and everything else first.The fact that you're worried about telling this person you're carrying his child is a strong enough sign in itself that the whole situation is wrong and would not be right for a chlld either.You sound like you are clutching at straws and you need to WAKE UP. He's not marriage or father material. You, on the other hand, sound like you've got very low self esteem even to stay with someone who mucks you about like this. He WON'T change just because you have a baby. You'll be left carrying the can. You're trying to persuade yourself that it can somehow work out but his heart's not in it and can't be because he's too selfish. He thinks in terms of ONE not TWO and he definitely won't think in terms of THREE. He might put on a good show of being a Dad (to impress others and look good), but it won't run very deep and you will have to pay for it emotionally by knowing he doesn't love you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2015): Neither you nor the baby will be able to change your fiance if he is not willing to change himself. So please don't think that you telling him that you're pregnant will change anything.
Also don't rush into a wedding just because you are pregnant or the idea of being married appeals to you or that you think if will change/improve your relationship.
You brought this child into this world, now it is your responsibility to care for this child. Don't rely on him, if he's willing to take responsibility then great, if not, you are more than capable of caring for this child.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (17 April 2015):
 We know a lot about the timeline of your relationship and nothing about why you two are together. Love each other? Things in common? Common goals? Plans for the future? It all seems a little sketchy. Why would you let yourself become pregnant if you are anti-abortion? "I'm pregnant, grow up!" isn't the best way to have a family. It sounds more like a forced option. If you are truly anti-abortion, you shouldn't be sleeping with guys who aren't willing to commit.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 April 2015):
You're just going to have to tell him. You can't force him to grow up, you've tried that already. A baby will probably help, but whether it does or not only he knows.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 April 2015):
 Si'm a no-holds bared realist. I think thefirst thing you need to do is have a lawyer gt involved with a pre-nup then tell him and if he gets all wierd on you like he's going to bail on you after the wedding have him at the very least sign a document that secures your and the baby's future because it sounds like from your descriptiopn that he may be a bit shakey on being the "Ward Clever" type daddy.
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