A
female
age
51-59,
*attyana
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. There were no fireworks when we met but he grew on me through his kind personality. We slowely became close but I always felt that he was not ultimately the one for me. He is incredible thoughtful, considerate and understanding, especially since I have been through and are still going through some real traumas. I need him more than anything, but I am simply not in love. I have tried to fall in love with him but it just keeps coming back to a need rather than desire and passion. He frequently talks of his love for me and that he was put on this earth to help and support me! I dont want to hurt him but dont know how to deal with my feelings!!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Mel70  +, writes (2 March 2010):
There are two ways to look at this. In the end, passion and being "in love" are not what remains. I know this seems sad, but it's true. It will come down to trust, compatibility, respect and love. It sounds like you have all these things with your boyfriend, but you are not in love. I understand. I married a man I didn't love because he treated me like a queen. He made me feel safe and secure, financially and emotionally. We are divorced now because I am the kind of person who needs that passion and fire, I have learned. The other way to look at it is--it's a great feeling to be head over heels. I met a man that I am absolutely crazy over. The trade off is we fight all the time. Only you can answer your question. And remember, that you don't really need him. You can take care of yourself. Do you want him? Can you picture yourself old with him? Are you the kind of person who needs that fire? Even that fire will probably eventually burn out, but at least you will have it in your memories.
A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (2 March 2010):
 You say you need him but that you don't love him? Could it be that you're just confused?
I agree with CaringGuy and don't think you should stay in a situation where you're not happy.
BUT, having said that, I would think more about this before you decide to jump ship. Why? Well, many of us often wonder about if there's better out there and if the next person who comes along will be the 'one.' We all seek fireworks, sparks and passion...but is this what it's all about? Or is it about finding someone who we get along with, who we're attracted to and who is good for us.
I spent many years chasing the fireworks and the sparks...and it never brought me anything more than initial excitement and then hurt. Many times the guys who started off with a bang, ended very soon. The guys who slowly turned into more were the keepers.
Ultimately you need to decide what it is that is bothering you. If you're not happy and don't see a future then end it. But if you're just wondering if there's more out there and if the grass is greener on the other side, I would stop and think a bit more.
People always say, leave him and find someone else. While that is good advice, the reality is different. I'm not telling you to 'settle' for him or to live a life where you don't love your partner...all I'm saying is that you should figure out what exactly it is that you want. In the end, if you can't stop feeling like you have been, perhaps it's best to call it a day. You will hurt him but if you're absolutely sure, it's better to pull the plug now than later.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 March 2010):
In truth, you need to end it if you feel this way. I'm sure it's wonderful to have a man like that in your life, but if there is no love then both of you are just wasting time. The fact is that there will be a woman out there who loves him, and there will be a man out there who is kind and caring, but who will also blow your mind away elsewhere. It's time to move on.
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