A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok I need help on what to do with my wife. I just recently found out my wife was talking to an old friend for 2months (I checked the phone records) it started off as text messages such as questions like how you doing or how was your day etc.... After a month they would talk occasional but it was mainly text messages. My wife decided to meet him at a restraunt to catch up on things (she told her friend she was having problems in are relationship). When she came home I knew some thing was wrong and asked what's going on and she confessed to me how she was talking to this old friend. When I asked why she said she liked the attention he gave her and the excitement she got from his text messages. There was never no physical actions such as kissing and sex. I have neglected my wife over the past 3yrs but there is still no excuse for this. We have a child together and she begged me not to leave she called her friend in front of me to let him know they can no longer speak. I do love her but don't know what to do and I know she loves me. I cant stand the fact she looked forward to talking to someone else . So I want to know if any one else has gone thru this and what you did. Should I stay or leave ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): Did it occur to anyone that even though he may have neglected his wife, before seeking atention outside why did she not try fix her marriage?. Also attraction can be very dangerous and can change our sense of right and wrong. This marriage has deeper problems and being a woman I can rest assure that we do not get involved without there being some level of emotion involved!She needs to be honest, is she staying in the marriage as a result of fear of the unknown and security or she realy loves her husband and wants her marriage. This only time will tell.
A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (4 July 2012):
Stop neglecting her.
Men don't realize we need / love the attention and affection. Can you imagine if you started texting your wife sweet
Love messages?
Win her over again.
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A
male
reader, happy140 +, writes (4 July 2012):
 “she begged me not to leave she called her friend in front of me to let him know they can no longer speak”—did you hear him on the other end? Was someone really there? Was it her girlfriend who is no going WTF?—don’t fall for that one-MAYBE and I mean MAYBE she really did call him and put an end to it. Maybe? If you read any of my questions you know I am/was in the same boat, WOMAN-!! I love them so dearly but they are as elusive as us men are. Completely impossible to understand sometimes. My wife has a male friend she is overly close to by MY standards. I have a hard time with the men can just be friends with females and no sex involved. My wife on the other hand has ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM with being just friends. It’s all in how we think differently. First things first-ensure you take some of the fault because you neglected her and left her vulnerable for emotional theft. Our wives/woman want and NEED to feel attractive. They work so hard at being attractive for us when we go out because they want us to be proud of our girl friends/wives. Your wife is no different, she was craving that “tell me I’m attractive and sexy feeling” and that is ALL IT WAS/IS. She does not want anything else, no sex, no kissing, no bearing of his children, just someone who notices how hard she works at being beautiful and sexy. If she doesn’t get that at home sooner or later she will succumb to a accidental advance by him. If she is happy at home she will automatically reject any advancement. My wife, now in her 50’s works hard at being attractive, eating right, exercising and everything in between. When I forget to notice she gets lonely for that feeling one gets when someone of the opposite sex says your attractive. She (your wife) knows what she did was wrong and while it was wrong in one respect it wasn’t wrong on the other. What was wrong was her reason for meeting up with him, the trill of what’s next. She knows its wrong but how can it be if he makes her feel so good by noticing how hard she works at being attractive for YOU, you haven’t noticed but he has. Wanting to meet an old friend and talking of the past is a good thing as long as you know about it. You also need to recognize that she NEEDS the attention. Not only from you but others. Woman, have a tendency to not admit that but they do, they like it. They like feeling attractive and sexy and knowing they can still turn heads. You have to make her feel that way and so what if someone else does too as long as it is plutonic (just looking). As men we like the attention also, only we look at females and hope they will take a second look at us, it makes us feel good.
Try to get to know her male friends and allow her to have some, it will make your relationship stronger, it did mine. It is not a easy thing to do as we are so protective of our woman, we don’t want others looking at them. Accept that they see what you saw when you meet her, an attractive sexy woman. The three of you could go to dinner or have a cookout. Bringing him into her as a friend will make you one of those perfect husbands who understands his wife. It is OK to have male friends if you’re a married female that you see occasionally.
I have gone thru the gambit of feelings with my wife and her male friend and now realize that we are both better as a couple because I now understand her need for male companionship on a plutonic level instead of a females as she relates to men better.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (4 July 2012):
 Why did you neglect your wife for three years? Try to look at this in the big picture. She did look forward to his attention. That will not change. You might try to understand why and be thankful it stopped when it did. We are attracted to people for many reasons. We can not cahnge the initial message our eys send our brains. We can choose how we react though. Nobody should ever be surprised to feel attraction. The big lesson here is that you need to focus on your wife and she on you. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, it's greenest where you water it. This guy was probably saying all the right things and she began to slide down the slippery slope. We often tell ourselves we can handle the flattery but it becomes an addiction. This issue probably unfolded like they all do....attention, flattery and rationalizing why it was OK. It's a form of denial we buy in to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): Seriously dude? Why would you want to uproot your entire life, and your kid's life for something like this? It is a problem that needs to be addressed, but NOT something worthy of a divorce.
First things first:
You said yourself, you neglected her. We are human and we tend to seek and build connections with others. So this could very well be some of your fault.
Second, she says she likes the attention she gets, and you "know she loves [you]"... so step up your game and put some romance back into your marriage!
Third, if you make her break off the friendship, then she'll still feel the neglect and won't have anyone to talk to about it... which could lead to infidelity in the long run.
Solution:
Discuss this with her. You need to unbundle and find out why you don't like this situation and how you two can work together to figure something out. Ask her why she seeks out this particular person. Does she not have many friends? This is a solvable solution, and thank goodness she loves you so much not to cheat. Think about HER happiness too, not just you.
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A
male
reader, Jaydilla11 +, writes (4 July 2012):
You are in a very difficult situation, but the question i have to ask you is do you still love your wife that much that you want to make the relationship work and do you love her that much that you are willing to forgive her for this? That is the ONLY question you should be asking yourself... you are obviously married and it is much harder to just leave when you are married with children so i think you should take time and think about this decision very very hard. If you and your wife decide to work things out start to pay more attention to her i know sometimes we get complacent but show her u love her and you are thinking about her good luck my friend i know in the end you will make the right decision...
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