A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I will be ending an eleven-year relationship. She knows I am considering it, but she is very hopeful I will choose to stay. I care about her and she still feels very strongly for me. When the time comes, is it wrong for me to be there to comfort her by holding and hugging her and letting her cry on me? Is this ill-advised? It seems cruel to leave her all alone, but I don't want to make things harder for her. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (6 October 2009):
 I hear your words and I think that much of what you say is what my husband must have felt when he left... especially the frustration even anger ... that the change would happen now... now when you feel you've made a decision... why now?!!! and not ten months sooner or at the second talk.Idk if you should stay or go. I consider an 11y relationship the same as a marriage and I am pro-marriage, but I also understand what you are saying. So I am going to play devils advocate and answer from speculation about what might be happening. First, the 10 year mark is a very dangerous spot in a marriage... its one of those points that are very vulnerable to affairs (which you discovered). Second, even though you ended the relationship prior to physical cheating... you DID cheat... you had an emotional affair. Emotional affairs damage relationships more than purely physical affairs.So while you are criticizing your gf... you need to remember that while she may have not been meeting your needs to feel valued and appreciated... you were also doing comparable damage to the relationship by focusing on another woman. There is a very good chance that she didn't respond to your requests because SHE felt de-valued and unappreciated. She may have not known at that time that you were involved with someone else but I guarantee you weren't meeting her needs because you were focused somewhere else. Your behavior towards her likely changed more than you realized while you were idealizing another woman.The typical woman's number one need is emotional intimacy and connection... there is no way in heck that you could have been providing that while involved with another woman emotionally to the point that you had to end it before it got physical.Finally, she's making the changes now because SHE GETS IT. She understands what she was doing was hurting you... she very likely was not trying to hurt you she was just self-absorbed (just as you were)to her own needs and focused selfishly on herself (just as you were). I would also guess that now for the first time in a long time you are emotionally vulnerable to her and actually exposing your real feelings- hurts, emotions, desires- even exposing your struggles with your feelings for another woman is soo very emotionally intimate. For the first time in a long time you were very likely stating things from the heart rather than being critical, angry and judgemental. EMOTIONAL connection/intimacy is the number one need of most women- as unbelievable as it sounds to many women trusting her with your feelings even the ugly shameful ones makes you someone she wants to fight for and inspires her to change- and I doubt you have been all that inspiring over that last year or so.I admire that you want to be honorable and not cheat on her physically. I know you're not happy... its a big clue that you posted on here. :) Feelings change when needs are not met... but they can change back too if they are met. Your gf alone cannot fix this... the problem is joint.. you have both been selfish and distracted. It is short-sighted to think that another relationship will be the cure because the REAL problem is within. Every relationship will eventually hit these potholes and either you learn to navigate them or you spend the rest of your life looking for "happy".Your emotional affair and disclosure has the potential to take your relationship with your gf to a whole new level of love and intimacy... but first you're going to have to forgive and jump on the fix-it project.I wish you and your gf the best I know this must be very hard.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): This was my question. Thank you for your responses.
You've all hit on some things here. A year ago, there were some problems that made it very difficult for me to be comfortable in our home. There was clutter and a pet I didn't care for. I told my girlfriend everything that was bothering me and what needed to change. I changed what I could on my own. She spent her time doing other things rather than trying to make things good for both of us.
A friendship I had with another woman at work escalated into more than a friendship, but I ended it before anything physical happened.
I told my girlfriend again about the things that were bothering me. Nothing changed.
I told her AGAIN and nothing changed. I was still thinking about the other woman and DID feel guilty because it wasn't fair to my girlfriend.
A month or two ago I said I was tired of waiting and was thinking of leaving. I was very honest. I told my girlfriend all about the other woman and that I find myself wanting to go be with other people. I want to date for a while. She has turned her act around, but I cannot overlook the ten months I waited and waited with nothing being done. If she cared about me and my needs, she would have done something BEFORE it meant she would lose me.
I do care about my girlfriend, but I am not happy. If someone doesn't want to change their habits to make me at ease, why should I stay with them? Her effort now just seems like a slap in the face to me. I have stayed an additional two months "being patient" but my feelings haven't changed. How is it fair to my girlfriend that all I think about is going to date other women? I don't want to cheat, but I feel like I will if I stick around.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): Well I am in a eleven year relationship and my Husband and I consider leaving each other but we try to work it out at least I think we are working things out. But since he has been there for and has been my best friend and my shoulder to lean on. There is no way to comfort her weather you are there or not. She is going to hurt really bad. There is not nice way of ending it but to have an understanding and Only time will heal her.
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A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (3 October 2009):
Being there and a soft shoulder and all sounds great, but it will also be sending her mixed signals. You are also likely to feel a lot more than you expect to once you actually break it off with her. Goodbye sex will be a big temptation and for a girl will give her even more hope.After eleven years and her strong feelings for you any signs of affection are going to give her hope that you will change your mind.I think hugging and holding all sounds good on the surface, but breaking it off after 11 years is a big betrayal. I have the feeling there's another woman involved on your part and you are looking for ways to alleviate your guilt.If you are going to do this then just do it and let her real friends and loved ones comfort her... thats not you anymore.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (3 October 2009):
 Breakups are always hard. The issue here is how she would react if you told her you decided to leave.
Obviously this is going to be painful for her. The real issue in my mind here is why, if you care so much for her, would you leave her? Especially after 11 years?
It will be hard for her either way. Personally, cruelty is not the best thing. It all depends on how strong you are, and how much you're willing to suffer in order to do this.
For one thing, she's probably going to be deeply hurt. 11 years is a long time. This is absolutely going to wreck her, and she's going to be very broken up over it.
I would have to say if you're strong enough to do this, and you are sincere about it, then you should handle this in person and be as gentle and kind to her as possible. And, yes she's going to need a shoulder to cry on.
If you can make this as soft on her as possible, then she may be able to move on quicker, at least knowing that you don't want her to feel unwanted or uncared for.
The denial of love to someone who loves you is extremely painful, and its punishing to that person to suffer alone. So the more effort you make to keep her calm and at least soften the blow, the easier it will be on her.
She may say some pretty harsh things, maybe the ones bottled up inside all these years, and if you let it roll off your back it will be doing her a great favor to let her vent--as much as she wants.
In the end, though, she has to let out her pain. At least with you there, she can let it out and know that you care enough to bear the heartbreak with her.
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