A
female
age
36-40,
*akeout
writes:Hey me and my Boyfriend have been together for about 7months and I don't know if we are ready for 'it'. We have been discussing sex for the past few days and I'm scared. I think I am ready but he really wants to do it because he loves me so much and I love him. He is asking me if I am ready and I am saying I don't know but I have to make an answer. He isn't forcing me into it and I really want to do it but I am scared because it might hurt.We are going to use condoms if we do it and I need some advice on what you do in sex. I need a clear answer answering these questions:1. What do you start off with?2. Does it hurt and I mean really hurt?3. Will I regret it?4. What kind of positions will make us comfortable?5. What do you do after?Please make it clear and tell me if I am REALLY ready.Thanks,
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female
reader, Saurus  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 Are you ready to have a kid? Thats what I though of the first time I had sex. I figure, if I'm ready for a child, then, yes, I am ready for the possibility of a child too.
Make sure you do a lot A LOT of foreplay.
Missionary is a good position but Girl on top is better. You cntrol the speed and pressure that way. When I lost my virginity, I was on top until it stopped hurting, then we switched to missionary.
It will hurt the first time, it might even hurt the second or third time too. What I did was just stay focused on him. We stared each other in the eyes, he wouldn't let me look away, so that instead of focusing on the pain, we focused on our love.
Afterwards, cuddle. We just lied in his bed naked for a few minutes, then cleaned up and got dress and then more cuddling, lots of kisses. We didn't really talk much.
hopefully you won't regret it. I know I don't regret it, but I also know that now I'm not ready for it. It helped clear my mind of all the doubts I had in myself and I knew I didn't want anymore for a while. But if you truely love the guy and he truely loves you, you won't regret it.
A
female
reader, londonmiss +, writes (8 October 2010):
 1) Start off with foreplay, and I mean a lot of foreplay! It's your first time so make sure he concentrates a lot on you. This means lots of kissing, not just on the lips, fool around the bases a bit, but make sure he mostly focuses on you. 2) Everyone makes such a big deal out of the pain of first time sex. In my personal opinion, yes it was painful the first minute, but he was considerate and went slowly and gently so i didnt hurt so much. I can only compare it to ripping off a plaster. Once you've ripped it, you feel no more pain, lol. After the initial pain I actually enjoyed it ^__^3) If you know that you are ready and that you are certain that this is the boy you want to lose it too, 99% of the time you will not regret it.4) Start initially in missionary so he can do all the work and you just 'direct' till you are comfortable. Then move around to what you feel will make you more comfortable.5) Afterwards, wash yourself, you will need to! Get dressed, tidy up then cuddle and spend time together :) xxx
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (8 October 2010):
Short answer: If you are as uncertain, and apprehensive as your question sounds, you are probably NOT ready for a sexual relationship with your B/F. There are mental and emotional aspects of sex, as well as the physical aspects of being attracted and turned-on. Not all fear is a bad kind of fear, but your heart and your mind are telling you they aren't quite as ready as your body. Listen to them and consider what they have to say. The greatest pain may come after you realize that going through with this was a mistake.
At the core, your explanation sounds like, "Well I want to have sex because I've been with this guy for 7 months and HE seems to think it's about time we did it.".
I think you are ready for sex when you have decided that you and your partner want to be something like "life partners", or "married". You should also be fully aware and ready to accept the consequences of sex - including heartbreak, pregnancy, and diseases. And, you should take the time to learn how to have sex responsibly - and make the effort to do so.
1. You start out by becoming acquainted with your own, and your partner's, bodies - including sexual preferences, orgasmic response. This process includes lots of holding each other, kissing, caressing, making out, petting, learning to fully pleasure each other with your hands, oral sex, etc. It can take anywhere from a few days to several months to get yourselves ready. If you have NOT already been naked with each other before trying full penetrative sex you are probably not physically experienced enough.
2. The majority of women - not all - say their first intercourse was somewhere between moderately uncomfortable to "hurt like hell". Some women report no discomfort at all. Something like half of all women say they bled enough to notice
3. If you have selected the right partner and the right circumstances you won't regret it. By far more people regret having sex too soon in a relationship, or for the wrong reasons, than those who regret waiting too long.
4. Many sources suggest that a woman has a better first-time experience if she is on top of her partner. There is NO WAY he can feel what you're feeling, and being on top lets you get the position, angle, speed, etc "just right" for your vagina to envelope his penis. And, many women are too nervous, or too self-conscious, to do this effectively.
5. Afterwards, you have a few months of learning together followed by a lifetime of satisfying lovemaking and scream-into-the-pillow orgasms. Before that happens you generally have a time of intimate cuddling, kissing, chatting, etc. The very first time may be different - it's hard to say how you'll feel or what you'll do.
Like bowling, long division, or public speaking, good sex is something you learn through practice. It's an even more complicated activity than these examples. Like sports, sex is physical; like math, sex is mental; and like oration, sex is psychological. For most of us, both guys and gals, the first time isn't great sex. My first time was lousy sex. My wife's first time was lousy sex. (In fact, her first time and my first time were the same time. It was rather painful for her, and a bloody mess.) But even though it was lousy sex, it was very significant and meaningful to us.
The physiological mechanics of sex, especially your first time, are well-documented here on this Forum - the question probably gets asked a couple times every month.
For the record, my wife and I were both 23 when we exchanged virginity (she took mine and I got hers in return) on our wedding night. The story is in the thread "I'm a virgin and worried about my wedding night...", at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-a-virgin-and-worried-about-my-wedding.html ]. (Scroll down the thread to find my post.) Even though it was lousy sex, it was still very significant and meaningful to us! And despite that lousy first-time, we're still married - to each other - over 36 years later.
Other threads I contributed to include "How can I make my first time having sex enjoyable?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-make-my-first-time-having.html ] and, "I want to start having sex with him . . ." at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-want-to-start-having-sex-with-him.html ] (scroll down to find my response), and "He's a virgin, I'm not. How can I make it meaningful for him?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-a-virgin-im-not--how-can.html ] and "Any stories about losing your virginity??" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/any-stories-about-losing-your-virginity.html ].
Something we weren't prepared for was our emotional state immediately afterwards. I've read about this and talked to others, and the details vary WIDELY among people. (My wife & I were both sobbing, and pain wasn't the major cause.) The best I can say is that you need to be sensitive to each other, as well as yourselves, because you can do some emotional damage without even realizing it.
(There used to be an article by "satindesire" (and many of the side comments on that page) that was excellent! I'd call it a must-read for you and your B/F except that it has vanished from [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/thinking-about-losing-your-virginity.html ]. Maybe somebody saw it and saved a copy, and can repost it.)
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A
female
reader, Madalo 1  +, writes (7 October 2010):
I just think your bf thinks youve been together for a long time and wants things to get to another level.Youve said he wants to do it because he loves you so much,but really,he doesnt need to have sex with you to prove that he loves you.To get to your questions: (1) first of all make sure youre relaxed.Have a glass of wine or two,if need be.Make out,touch each other,whatever-turn each other on until youre really wet. (2) yes it hurts,but i didnt feel as much pain as i had anticipated because people said it hurts so much.I even had more than one round. (3) it depends.If your bf really loves you and is romantic,then maybe you wont regret it.He shouldnt act like he got what he wanted after the sex,but he should be there for you,and make you feel special.But you can also regret if youre losing it earlier than you planned ie before marriage (4) i think missionary is the best because he can go on even if youre resisting because of pain.Some say you on top is good because you can control the pain but personally i think nothing can get done with that position because you'll be afraid,or with just experiencing little pain you'll stop. (5) you pee then cuddle,discuss your experience,etc. Lastly,i dont know if we're the best people to tell you if you're ready.Agewise you're old enough but what about psychologically?How did you imagine yourself losing your virginity?What are your values-is it ok to lose it to a bf or you wanted to do it with your husband?Are you afraid you'll lose your bf if you dont do it?Will he respect your decision if you say youre not ready,and wont keep on pressuring you?All the best!
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A
female
reader, Princess_Rae +, writes (7 October 2010):
 Makeout,
If you are concerned that you will regret it you probably will, and are not ready to make this step in your relationship. Your other questions are easy enough.
1. Foreplay. You need to set the mood by kissing and relaxing maybe even some oral sex. Only you and your partner will be able to know if it is time to progress from there.
2. That depends on you, for some losing your virginity is extremely painful, and for others like myself, it was a less painful. Most of the time it is sharp for a moment then decreases as time passes.
3. Answered in the intro.
4. You and your partner will have to figure that out, but most common and comfortable are missionary, doggie, and girl on top.
5. Cuddle, it brings you closer together.
Hope this helps, and only you know if you are ready, we here in cyberspace can only do so much. Have fun!
Love,
Princess Rae
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): Love is who you know. Do you feel comfortable with this man? I mean really comfortable with him? ...Then you are ready.
...Bashfully, I had sex with my current/first girlfriend on the first date. It was that awesome a day. I haven’t even known her for seven months so simply by comparison, I think you and your boyfriend are good to go.
1. Cuddling together and kissing is the best way to start. This part is called foreplay, and it’s awesome for getting in the moment.
2. Girls say sex always hurts the first time. But maybe a female reader can reiterate this better.
3. If you don’t really like your current boyfriend then yes, you will regret it. But love has no time for regrets.
4. As far as comfort goes, I think you should be thinking less about positions (because that’s half the fun of sex - discovering) and think more on where you two will be spending the night together. Being in a comfortable environment really helps, especially if it will be your first time together.
5. Afterwards... Listen to the crickets outside haha, I don’t know, everyone is different.
Just remember to relax and enjoy the experience.
I hope that helps :)
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (7 October 2010):
 My general rule is that if you don't know if you are ready for sex, then you aren't ready for it. Now, if a fear of the pain is the only thing holding you back, then that may be slightly different.
1. Kissing and making out. Maybe some foreplay. Make sure you're good and wet. Set the mood and do your best to be relaxed.
2. I can't say but the accounts I've heard have been a range, but pretty much everyone says that it is something that goes away pretty quickly. For some it is worse than others. That's because everyone is different.
3. Only you will know this. Since you're asking the question, this is more evidence you aren't ready in my book. Do you love him? Will you mind remembering him for the rest of your life?
4. I would suggest missionary or cowgirl. Missionary because he will be in control and can proceed through the pain you may feel. Cowgirl because with you in control you can decide if it hurts too much and stop if it does. These are also the most basic positions and basic is usually good for the first time.
5. I would suggest cuddling or maybe some clean up and then cuddling. It is also good for you to urinate after sex to help avoid a bladder infection.
Again, only you will know if you are ready. If you have to ask, you probably aren't. Take your time and don't rush it. There is never a need to rush into sex.
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