A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been here many times before.I am the loser who is in love with a married man.I know I need to leave but I just can't find it in myself to do it.I know he doesn't love me. He told me. And he told me he will never love me.I have been with him for two years.We just spent a week together while his wife is overseas. Slept with him every night. He bought me clothes. He made me breakfast. He held my hand everywhere we went. He treated me like a Princess. We had amazing sex. He seemed so connected and so in love with me.But now that the vacation is over and his wife is coming back, he has reverted back to his old self. He has pulled away and distanced himself from me. Telling me the fantasy is over and now it's back to real life. That he was just acting out the fantasy while he was with me this week.How can he turn his feeling on and off like that? Loving me one minute and then distant the next? Does he know how much this hurts me? I told him how much it hurts me. I give him my all and in return he gives me bits of himself. His best parts but then pulls it all away. It is emotional torture.He tells me he will never leave me. He tell me he knows I will never leave him because I am emotionally invested in him. So he feels pretty secure while I am always insecure about the whole thing. I think a part of him wants me to be insecure so that he knows I won't be going anywhere. Deep down he too is insecure although he would never admit it.I am not a bad person. Honest. I have a big heart. Too big for my own good. There was just this unstoppable connection between us. It has grown for me. He knows I want more. I just want to love him and he pushes me away.How do I get through this pain? I just don't think I have it in me anymore. It is ruining my life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2015): Hello Male Anon, OP here.Well, ask anyone who has been involved in an affair and they will tell you the same thing. They want to indulge in the fantasy. Over and over again. Yes it is like a drug and they continually seek out their next fix. It is all about the fantasy. Nothing else. They do not want to see the real person they are involved with. They make that person into who they want/need that person to be. They live in the moment. There is absolutely NOTHING practical or logical about any affair. This is the reason the person(s)involved remain married or stay with their partners. For the practicality. Their affair partner, on the other hand, provides them the romance, the love, the affection, the companionship without all the real world problems, that they crave, which their spouse can no longer and never again give to them because essentially the romance in their union died long ago. They have become too familiar and their life just too comfortable. And oftentimes the sex drops off from usually the wife while her husband still has a strong and viable sex drive. Practicality does not meet anyone's need to feel loved, wanted, appreciated, adored, ALIVE.As for romantic mode, there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, so many people are lacking that in their relationships. Hence the need for affairs. Have you ever been in an affair? By their nature, both parties involved are obsessed with each other in romantic mode as that is all they really have. They are cushioned in a bubble away from the real world, free to indulge and obsess over each other in romantic fantasy mode. And this is the complete and total allure of the affair, especially in the beginning. But eventually that blush and rush of fantasy land does fade and reality does set in. So if they want an affair to continue, they must continue to block out all potential realities which could intrude on and kill their dream. It isn't meant to be real. And if it is, there is nothing left.He has his wife for real life. His mistress for romance. And this is exactly the reason men always, always, always want their cake and eat it too. And would happily go along forever with both women in their lives.The right person will love a woman in romantic mode. She just needs to find a man who is like minded. And if he loves her, she will never scare him away. He will love everything about her. All her perfect imperfections.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2015): congratulations on making the decision to take control of your life again and to get out of romantic mode and back into practical mode because most couples live in practical mode most of the time anyway. If he made you feel special that is something at least and now you are free to find a partner who will love you and cherish you and be with you every night, but please dont obsess in romantic mode when you meet the next guy or you will scare the shit out of him as he will never be able to compete with you or compare to you romantically. Avoid anyone who hurts you during sex or otherwise and value yourself as a wonderful human being with a kind heart , and a whole lot of experiences of a difficult love life with a lot to offer to the world but never sacrifice yourself in any way whatsoever because it is not a good idea for a relationship in the long run.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2015): It's OP. Well, since he has been honest with me by telling me he does not nor will not ever love me, I believe him when he tells me there isn't or hasn't been anyone else and that I would be difficult if not impossible to replace. I have asked him such questions. He never offered these statements on his own.Know what? I WOULD be difficult and impossible to replace. I have doted on him, given him the moon and stars, dedicated myself to him, treated him like a King. The BEST sexual partner he has ever had. I KNOW THIS IS TRUE. I was there. Very FEW women would do everything I have done, sacrificed themselves the way I did. IF NONE AT ALL. Most would have told him to go F@CK himself a long time ago. He has been in it this long because of my tolerance level.I guess I just want to know that I was in some way SPECIAL. And I WAS. None of you would believe it. But I do. But I stand with my decision.HE IS GOING TO MISS ME.THANK YOU TO EVERYONE.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2015): Just saw the mod note. From Canada? OP, this wouldn't happen to be you, would it?http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-an-older-married-man-and-the-chemistry.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/fooled-around-with-a-married-man-last-night.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/married-man-dumped-me-and-i-am-feeling.htmlOP, I say this without cruelty or judgment: You need help. This is two years of extremely unhealthy decision making. Good for you for acknowledging you need to get out of this, once and for all. And it truly doesn't matter if he's not "cheating" on you now (although, you two aren't in a relationship, so technically it wouldn't really be cheating - keep in mind you are really just sleeping with him, deep conversations after the fact doesn't make him your boyfriend). The fact is there will be another mistress to replace you after, because you mean nothing to this excuse of a man.All of these questions have yielded the same answers over a span of literally two years. You know what you have to do. Get some help from a therapist with actually following through. You'll thank yourself later.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2015): It's the OP.I will leave him because I love myself first. That is the reason alone.Not because of anything he does or does not do.I think I am paranoid about his cheating because my last BF cheated on me. But I do not believe my BF of two years is doing this to me. Fear and worry does not make it true. I believe he has been faithful to me all along. I am sorry yours was a serial cheater. But I am sure mine is not. I think I have been wanting it to be true in my subconscious so that I had something concrete therefore I could leave him. But I don't need that reason. What I need is the realization that he is and never has been good enough for me. He is not enough for me. It needs to be all about me now. Not him. Not anymore.I guess some women can remain mistresses and some cannot. I for the life of me cannot understand how any woman in a long term affair does not fall in love with the man. I just don't get how mistresses do it. How can they remain so detached? And how can any married guy remain so emotionally detached from a woman he has been intimate with for 2 whole years? Having a relationship with her. Nobody here knows what our relationship has been like or how intimate it has been. It is also a friendship. We are also close friends. How can you not be after two years? I will never understand how a man can stay with his wife and "love" or sell the concept of "love" to another woman.I was never mistress material. Never. I just deluded myself into thinking I was. And so did he.[Mod note: as medical care and longterm disability were mentioned by the OP, it is important to note that OP is posting from Canada, not the US as the flag indicates. This may help the aunts guide this OP in getting the help needed.]
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2015): ok stop drivingthe car because its dangerous. Park it up and sell it for scrap. Go to your doctor and let him/her know that life is getting you down and ask for anti depressants and talking therapy like counselling.This will help you a lot.Forget about mr ageing lover boy because he does not want to be responsible for you. Join as many supportorganisations as you can. Seek legal advice about the audit as you should never have been living off your sons money in the first place and make sure you get financially sorted out by assessing all your options at the legal advice centre. If you want to rekindle contact with your maternal family feel free to do so as im sure there will be many family entanglements to absorb yourself into. Consider if your son is getting the best possible care and attention and ask for help if necessary.All other things are secondary to this ,but if you feel strong enough to get the help you need without your families intervention then go it alone and see if you can achieve tbe steps necessary to make the necessarry changez to your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2015): ok i get it ..your life is spiraling out of control and you are hanging on by a mere thread. Part of you needs to build this affair up in your mind so that you can take your mind off your real worries but because you feel your life is very nearly hopeless and you dont have your familyor close friends near you for a support system you are surely floundering. The first thing i have to tell you is "Dont drive the car...It is illegal and extremely dangerous not just to yourself but to other drivers and should not be driven anywhere.It needs a brake job!" Here i give you the first interesting thing to do..its time to start learning about the mechanics of a car.. I am glad you have no money for gas because driving with faulty brakes could literally kill you and another driver or pedestrian. You would certainly know the meaningof pain ifyougetinjured inacar accident.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2015): This is the last female anon you just replied to. You say: "And sometimes I think he is putting on an act. I just don't know. I sometimes have a gut feeling about him and what he might be up to. But I just don't know for sure. This is what kills me. I need to know. I feel like I need to know for sure as this would help me leave him for good."Stop. listen. Imagine me standing in front of you holding you by the shoulders and giving you a little shake. this is exactly what we've all been telling you this whole time.Repeat after me: He is lying. he is lying. he. is. lying.This man hides you away from his wife, of course he's capable of hiding other women away from you and probably is. If this is the confirmation you need, here you have it.YES, it's terribly sad about your son. yes, it's terribly sad about the serious financial troubles you're facing. YES, it's terribly sad about the current struggles you're facing - I have genuine sympathy for how much that must hurt.BUT: have you ever considered that having this affair and this toxic man and relationship in your life is attracting more hardship to you? We bring into our lives what we put out and believe we desire, and what you're putting out there is not good. Of course negative things are also coming your way and things suck.Logic would then dictate that this is another reason to get rid of this guy.Seriously... tough love time: you need to get serious about your life. Just read how you respond to people's answers! You ask for advice and help, people provide it, and you simply ignore all of it with, "Well, he says this, and he promises that, and he's like this and I'm just sure of it." Alright, lady! Enjoy your miserable affair that's making you so unhappy! Go ahead with your super unhealthy choices! Enjoy all the pain you're going through! What - seriously, what - do you need us to say? We've already all confirmed you need to end this and that you are capable of doing so and that you need to immediately. What else do you need?? Get on with it already and stop making excuses and justifying your unhealthy and bad behavior! I can guarantee that with this affair going on you do not have the emotional energy to be a good mom to your son who needs you, and it's obviously distracting you from being able to get on with your adult responsibilities. If you won't do this for yourself, do it for your child. You are a mom and a grown woman. Get it together and act like it. No excuses. Toughen up. Stop responding to everyone here and in your own mind with more excuses of how he miiiiiight just be telling the truth. He's not. He doesn't care about you. Your bad choices are ruining your life. Get out while you still have your sanity. Two years wasted? Enough. Come on, now. Get the attitude in your mind that you are a strong and independent woman and mother and start acting maturely. Stop again. Take another second. Reflect on what was just written to you. Stop the wheels in your mind turning with, "But he said x, y, z! He did x, y, z, and that must mean x, y, z!" It's all meaningless. All of it. Stop allowing yourself to be treated like garbage. Have some self respect - if not for yourself, for your son who needs a strong mother.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2015): It's OP.Thank you very much for your no holds barred post and for your words of wisdom through your own experience, Female Anon.I hear you in every way. And right you are.And yes, some married men are serial cheaters. Some are not.My married man is in his 60's and much older. I already take the life out of him. He could not handle any more. Not only physically but emotionally. I could not imagine him running around with numerous women. He has a wife, me and businesses to run... a full plate you can say. He tells me continually he is happy and satisfied with me and not interested in anyone else. Having said that though, I still do worry he HAS the potential to cheat on me one day. That fear will NEVER go away. And I often think I am on borrowed time before the next best thing comes into the picture. In fact I think about it every single day. And the fear eats me up inside. Because I know he does not care about me enough. I mean if he supposedly loves his wife and is having a whole other relationship with another woman for 2 years and running, how is he not capable of doing the same thing to me? The fact he is the only male working with countless female clients adds fuel to the fire. I was one of his clients. He crossed that line with me. Is it not possible he can cross it with someone else? He is selfish and I believe he will always put his needs ahead of mine, ahead of his wife. The difficult dilemma I have is that I know deep inside what kind of a man I am giving my heart to and that he is not deserving of it. I find so many redeeming qualities in him and I hang onto them and overlook the negative to favour the positive. I compartmentalize. He is extremely charming and attentive and knows his way around women. I mean he is an expert. I know I would be at peace without him but somehow I would feel empty and lost without him, even just a small piece, which is all he gives me. I am always on him and argue with him because I am afraid. Constantly afraid. I am trying to get him to convince me he cares. To say he loves me. Anything. To convince me I am his only OW. Last night he actually banged his head against the steering wheel of his car several times in frustration as I again accused him of his ability to cheat... current or future. He gets very upset at me for this as my accusations have become constant. He proclaims innocence. Always has. Sometimes I feel he is angry at being constantly and unjustly accused. And sometimes I think he is putting on an act. I just don't know. I sometimes have a gut feeling about him and what he might be up to. But I just don't know for sure. This is what kills me. I need to know. I feel like I need to know for sure as this would help me leave him for good. I know this would do it when nothing else has. So I am always prodding in my mind. Trying to look for clues. This is very destructive. I find that I give my love to him and then I pull away myself. And guard my feelings. Turn them off. Back away. I have had endless nights of crying. Days of being unable to function. It is an endless cycle of two steps forward and three backwards. After him being close, I always prepare myself for him pulling back. I know it's going to happen.And you are right, my demise is going to be painful and agonizing. After all I have been here before. My last BF cheated on me and I went NC after that. It was the most pain I have ever been through in my life... besides when I heard the diagnosis for my son's disability. I have been to hell. I know it well and I never want to go back. I suppose not letting him go is going to prolong that pain, even though I am in pain now. I just cannot escape that pain, no matter which way I look at it. I am trapped. How do you choose pain? Because I will be choosing it no matter what I do.I think deep down I am punishing myself for my son's condition. It just brought me to my knees and I have been trying to self medicate ever since. :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2015): I too have also read many of your questions here and have tried to be sympathetic. I myself was once "the other woman." But you know what? You need a reality check. Take it from someone who's been in your shoes. Every one of your questions goes on and on about what this man says to you, and never about what he does. You hang on to all the things he says (which, in case you haven't figured out yet, are all BS so he can keep you around and use you), and not what he does. What he says are LIES; what he DOES is uses you, makes it clear he doesn't care at all about you, and stays with his wife. You're not even at the end of his list of priorities - you aren't even on the list at all, because you aren't in any way a priority. Think that's not true? Go ahead and tell his wife and provide her with evidence. He will leave you so fast it'll make your head spin. He will throw you away in a heartbeat. Why? Because she's a priority to him, as is their marriage, and above all he's a priority to himself - to the point of selfishness. How does he manage to say all these loving things and act this way and then distance himself? Because he's lying to you, and he doesn't care about you at all. Not even a little bit. Think you're special because the sex is great and he tells you so? Once you leave, either by his wife finding out and him ending it forever or when you grow a backbone and get out of this mess, he will replace you with someone else REAL quickly, and he will tell her all the same things. It's just a rehearsed script. Trust me, there is not amount of good sex or the few stolen "moments" you share that seem so meaningful (when they're just more BS and lies from him) that equal the loss of your self-esteem, dignity, and self-care that you're taking away from yourself. Yes, YOU! Not him. YOU are allowing all of this. You're a good person? Then why not be good to YOURSELF and walk away. It's not that you're a loser; it's more like you're being intentionally moronic. Harsh, but true - and I can say it because I was once there making all the same stupid decisions. He doesn't love you. He never will. Anything that seems to the contrary is him lying and putting on a damn good show. How is it so convincing, you ask? Probably because he's had affairs before/is having affairs with other women right now/will have affairs with women after you and has lots of practice. He will never care for you. He will never be there for you. You have no meaning for him other than a physical body to use for sex. ("Sexually committed"??! LOL please, there is no such thing.) Emotionally and physically he will never invest in you. When his wife finds out - and they always do - he will deny you, lie about you, and drop you so fast. Save yourself all of that and GET IT TOGETHER and leave. Go no contact. Change your number. Do whatever you have to do. (I can practically imagine your response right now: "But he's so _____, _____, and ______, and he said _____." ENOUGH.) Most importantly, get yourself to a therapist. There is something majorly wrong with your ability to make good choices and take care of yourself emotionally, and you need to address it through this process. It's not that you CAN'T stay away from him and end it. You really just don't want to. So go ahead and stay after all this advice, and take it from someone who's been there: prepare for the worst and most agonizing emotional pain of your life that will take years to recover from, and get ready to end up completely alone. THAT'S your future right now if you continue with this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2015): It's the OP.Thank you everyone. Everybody has made perfect sense.To Male Anon, YES there are reasons for my deep sadness other than this man. MANY.I am a single mom. I have a son with a disability. It is life long. It has changed me. It caused the demise of my marriage. I feel like a piece of me is missing and has been lost. I have been seeking some kind of redemption or relief. I found it in the fantasy of this other man and this affair.I am unemployed right now. It has been difficult to find a job. I am literally down to my last $10.I left my husband of 18 years three years ago and my family was upset by this. Those relationships were severed and to this day have never recovered.I had some money coming to me from the government which was taken away because they are auditing me. Money for my son's disability. I relied on that and it stopped coming. I have zero income. Zero in the bank.I have a car that has needed a brake job for months and have been driving it with a warning light all that time. I have no money to fix it. It's on its last legs and can fail on me at any given time. And no money to buy a new one. I have no money to even put gas in it now.Some kids smashed my car window to bits while parked in my own driveway. Needed to pay $400 of money I do not have. I did not need that.My life is hanging by a thread and this MAN and this AFFAIR is the only thing that keeps me going. The ONLY thing. I fear I will fall APART if I lose him. ESPECIALLY NOW.This affair has been my only comfort since the day it began two years ago. I was seeking it out. But it was easier then. It has become much harder on my emotions because I was not in love and it was fun and games at the start. Now I am in love and it has become unbearably painful. I am not sure he sees how lucky he is and what a beautiful heart I have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2015): I've read quite a lot of your questions about your affair, then the advice and your responses. Your response always involves you talking again about your relationship ending with something along the lines of "the tables are now turned". This implies that you really think that you are the one in control, which of course you aren't. You have no control as he will leave you when he tires of you, finds a less demanding mistress or chooses to return to his safe, cosy married life.I wonder if all the aunts and uncles advice somehow feeds, validates and builds up your affair in your mind? After all there isn't much to it really. This man has sex with you then returns to his wife. He doesn't even give you hope, so not much to work with is there?You must have had over 100 responses from aunts and uncles by now, some more sympathetic than others but all saying the same thing; that you should end the affair, with help from an addiction counselor if necessary. So the bottom line is carry on if you want to stay in pain or do something to end it. Your life; your choice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2015): when you started this affair you put your life on the back burner but perhaps this affair was important to you at that time. However it is wrong to call yourself a loser just because your feelings are confused. Undoubtably you have unique gifts and talents of your own and you are failing to recognise them because you are continually comparing yourself to the wife who appears to have it all. You must know that affairs are just fantasy actions where people can be put in and out of the cupboard of life and for most people thats the beauty of it ..it becomes rare moments of escapism rather like a bus mans holiday. Perhaps you hoped he'd ditch her for you and this may have done your self esteem some good for a while, but you must know by now that you dont see the real man during an affair..you see the fantasy man.No one can keep that act up for ever..it is a relief for the man to get home and see his regular family. Whilst you are pining for someone who basically doesn't exist he is busy leading a normal life in a way that he can sustain.Unfortunately you emotions have gone into cinderella mode and you dedicate yourself to unhappy pining, believing that only this fantasy figure can keep you going. Now might be the time to get back into kick ass mode and think about all the things your good at other than walking hand in hand, being available and pining. Its quite possible that you want to confront the wife with ' did you know that he and i are an item and we walk hand in hand in public and have wonderful sex? But if she is the strong kind of woman she might just tell you to move your ass, get off her property before police are called and never to bother her again! Then you will be right back in cinderella mode. Are there any other reasons for your very deep sadness. God made you into a special and unique person so that you can value yourself, not to undermine yourself so try reading self help books, discover some new hobbies and intrests and do anything but pine because it is a waste of time.Your life on this earth is as valuable as anyone elses and you must use your creative energies wisely, not wastefully.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2015): A friend of mines 4 year affair with a married man only ended because she found evidence that she was one of many.she was not a loser she was a sucessful woman with no kids who was free to do what she wanted but she was lonely and wasted her time thinking this guy would give her companionship in the end. My dads 7 year affair ended because my mum found out. All of these people had to be pushed and all regretted the years they had wasted in the end. I actually had another relative married with kids he had a 20 year affair with a women, she never had children never had anyone else. He NEVER left his wife, the women died alone and even left her house to him in her will. He sold the house and gave the money to his wife and kids. She wasted her life waiting for this guy. How sad don't let that be you. The sooner you cut ties with this man the sooner you can start living your life before its too late.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (9 June 2015):
 You're getting some tough love on here..I'm going to give you a little more because its what you really need to hear.
You say you CAN'T leave him..Please be honest with yourself. You CAN leave the relationship..you don't WANT to leave. That's all there is to that.
Ask yourself why you want to be in this relationship? I do give the man credit for being cruelly honest..he doesn't love you. You know that. WHY do you think so little of yourself that you stay?? I don't get that. You are NEVER going to be number one in his life. And you are ok with that?? REALLY??
Wake up my dear. Life is short. End it. Walk away. You CAN do it. You just have to want to. Don't you deserve better than just being some man's sex toy whenever he can steal a few moments away??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2015): From everything you've said, It is very possible that he is telling you the truth but is taking advantage of your weakness. I feel for you although what you're doing was bound for disaster from the start. At least you've got it straight. There are those men who do quite the opposite by telling you they love you while trying to attract a dozen other women. Example....receiving a chain e-mail from him with at least another dozen women as recipients while your name is at the bottom of the list. Number one was the latest woman he met who apparently is some co-worker. Yes, only 1 small example of a plethora I've had to endure........including sending flowers to other women while with me. I might say that I am no longer with him but I received that e-mail today. As you can see he is still messing with my mind. I should have ignored but thought it would teach him a lesson to reply to ALL saying "thank you but no chain e-mails please." I wasn't going to forward because I normally just delete these type of emails regardless of who they're from BUT with the exception of the new woman at the top of his list of recipients, I forwarded to most of the men and women he works with (I know them fairly well) explaining that I normally don't exchange chain e-mails but was just paying their colleague a courtesy. Childish? Probably.......but may cause him enough embarrassment to stop and get him completely off my back. He continues to taunt me thinking that he has the upper hand. This is exactly what you are enduring my dear. The only difference is that I was lied to over and over. It's not worth it. I know it's hard but you've got to do it. Get professional help if you can and be around people who value you. You deserve much, much better!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2015): "How can he turn his feeling on and off like that?" Very easily; he feels nothing for you, it's all an act. "Loving me one minute and then distant the next?"He's not loving you, he's doing what's most expedient for him at that given minute. He played to your ego and vanity so he could get laid every night while his wife was out of town, now that she's back his first priority is keeping up the pretext of a happy marriage with her. "Does he know how much this hurts me?"He doesn't care. Not as long as you keep putting out for him."How do I get through this pain?"I suggest counseling. You likely won't have the strength to extricate yourself from this dead-end situation until you gain the insight to understand what sub-conscious forces are motivating and driving your self-flagellating behavior. Random question: Was your father in the picture when you were growing up?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2015): It's OP.Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone for your honest answers.My married man wants me to stay committed to him. Even though he is committed to his wife. He says he is committed to me sexually. He is afraid I will find another man because he cannot give me what I need/want/deserve. He keeps telling me I am wasting my time on him, that I need and deserve a full time relationship, but then says how incredible I am and how beautiful and how the sex we have is the best he has ever experienced. How he has feelings for me. How he doesn't want to leave me or doesn't want me to leave him. He has bent over backwards to keep me despite the fact there are trust issues and the fact I am starting to resent him for what he is doing to me. I go off on him a lot. Because I have been unhappy and I am trying to communicate my needs and putting so much work into this relationship and he is not loving me back. He is often hot and cold and it hurts me when he is so loving and attentive and them turns it all off and becomes cold. He says it is because I pressure him for more and he can't give it. I wonder if deep down he knows I am TOO good for him. Even though he tries to make me feel like I am NOT good enough.I have said some very mean things to him. He has overlooked everything I have said or done and I have frustrated him a lot many a time (and vise versa) but he still stays with me. Most people who know are floored that he has not left me yet or I have not left him. I have definitely had a few arguments with him about how I feel he takes me for granted etc. He always manages to smooth it over. Make it better. I have almost left him three times in the last two months. Almost did it today. Was so close. Yet he continues to reel me back in.He is so full of mixed messages. Always. WHY IS HE ALWAYS FULL OF MIXED MESSAGES? On one end he is trying to lure me into leaving (consciously or sub consciously) and on the other end, he worries that I WILL leave him AND leave him for another man. He says I am wasting my years on him yet he also says how he loves what I do for him, to him, loves being with me, that I am special... on and on. He planned another trip for us this summer.I believe he is addicted to me. We seem to be addicted to each other.When we had sex the other day he slapped my bottom so hard that there were bruises. He apologized later but did not seem too sorry.I do think I might need professional help to get through this. One of the posters mentioned addiction. I think that affairs ARE an addiction. Very hard to get out of. I know that NC is the only way otherwise there is always risk of the affair starting up again. The poster who said I am in pain either way is right. This is what makes it so difficult.In the beginning he left me three times. And came back each time. Me, the moron, accepted him back.For some reason now the shoe is on the other foot and he is fighting to keep me while I am the one who could walk away. Not sure why the tables are now turned. He seems to know it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2015): This guy is manipulative and sounds like a bit of a narcissist too. Secure knowing you'll never leave him. What a big headed pig. And I agree with whoever said it below. .. you're heart can't be that big if ur sleeping with some poor woman's husband. You need to stop writing into dear cupid with the same problem over and over. Listen to the aunts and uncles and leave him. You're ruining your life and you'll never have
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reader, like I see it +, writes (9 June 2015):
 You are not a loser; you are a human being. You are a woman with hopes, dreams, and love to give. Unfortunately you are hard at work wasting that positive energy on someone who doesn't deserve any of it.
Believe me when I say your man would not have told you he does NOT love you unless
1) he absolutely means that,
and 2) he is positive you are too weak-willed to take that realization and drop him like the piece of sh*t he is.
You now have all the answers you need from him to the questions you have previously asked here. No, he doesn't love you. No, he isn't worried about your feelings, and if he isn't worried about them now he won't be worried about the prospect of hurting you if he cheats with another woman later. No, he doesn't want to leave his current marriage to be available as a full-time partner for you. And he pretty clearly believes that you are lonely and desperate enough to accept what little he gives you because you aren't strong enough to walk away.
I don't mean to be harsh. I only mean to illustrate to you how completely your relationship with him is at a dead end, because I hope that seeing it as others see it may snap you out of feeling that staying with him is in any way a positive thing for you. You are getting the worse end of the deal in EVERY SINGLE way, and it is heartbreaking to read your posts here because everyone sees that except you.
Take a step back and really ask yourself how many more years of your life are worth wasting to prove to someone who TAKES YOU FOR GRANTED that he can keep on doing just that. If you are diagnosed with terminal cancer tomorrow, and given six months to live, would you want to waste that precious time on someone who treats you like an escort? You're using your life like you have decades to waste on people who don't appreciate you, and statistically you probably do, but the truth is you never know. A good friend of mine just got that terminal cancer diagnosis - at the "ripe old age" of 29. It happens. Please, please value your life and your precious days on this beautiful earth above being someone's disposable flesh-and-blood sex toy.
So how do you get through this pain?
One day at a time.
Of course cutting contact with him will hurt. It may be one of the hardest things you ever do in your life, at first. But recognize that you will be in pain EITHER way, whether it's the pain of ending things or the pain of feeling every day that you are second best, that your love is wasted on someone who does not love you back, and worrying constantly that your lover will find another woman to use the way he currently uses you. The difference is that if you can find it in yourself to leave, the pain will bring with it a wide-open future and hope for better things, and eventually it will fade away entirely as those good things take root in your life. If you stay, you have all of the suffering and none of the hope, and nothing about the pain you feel is going to change. Ever. He's just told you that.
Give your FUTURE self the gift of freedom from this toxic situation by being strong today, and someday your only regret will be not having done that SOONER.
Good luck and best wishes moving forward.
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reader, Garbo +, writes (9 June 2015):
 When you say that you are in love with a married man, you should remember that love exists only if you are being loved back. The problem is that he does not love you, so despite feelings that you have for him, those feelings are not love. If you want love, you need to find a man that will love you back. In fact, every "married with mistress" relationship is a case of emotional abuse of the mistress because the man is abusing woman's biological attachment needs. Given that the guy's main objective in this relationship is sex, we could go as far as saying that what you are undergoing is an emotional rape. There is nothing that I can say that will yank you away from that man. In the least, you have to have some self love that will guide you away from his cruelty. Once you decide that you matter to your self, you will know how to disattach yourself from this man.
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reader, Henry1980  +, writes (9 June 2015):
I read your story with great sadness and though I think that the general tenor of what's written here is right, I don't think you should blame yourself too much for what's happened. I think you should concentrate on yourself. It doesn't seem like this man is going to leave his wife. I think what you should do is think do I really want to be a mistress? When I read your email it seems to me that that isn't what you want- you want an open connection with a good guy who will make you the most important person in his world just as you will do the same for him. In that case, it seems to me that you should leave behind this current person and not have much to do with him. It will be easier to find someone new if you aren't comparing him to the present person.I don't think you should feel angry with yourself though. We all fall in love in the strangest of ways and you can't be responsible for the weird chemical and evolutionary wiring in your brain. The great thing about being human is that we can override it and I hope whatever decisions you do make turn out for the best. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2015): First what you have to do is send him a SMS/email (I don't know ho wyou communicate) that it is over and that you don't want any contact with him. Don't explain. Just end it. Put his phone numbers on ignore list. Don't answer his emails/SMS - don't even open them.Thro away everything that he has given you ever, including the recent clothes.Stp going to "your" places (the restaurants he took you to etc.).Stop listening to music that reminds yiu of him. Stop doing anything that reminds you of him (to teh extent of possible). Delete and throw away all the photos...Those are the basic steps. You are addicted to this bad relationship. You have to deal with it as if it were a drug.It is possible, but you need to have will. You needn't be afraid. Fear is what is making you stay in this deadend relationship. If you want better then don't settle for this!he doesn't love you, he just want's to have fun when his wife's not around. He needs that romantic atmosphere. You could be anybody...
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reader, Xearo  +, writes (8 June 2015):
In a sense of speaking your life is being ruined as we type these messages to you. The more you order your life to revolve around him, it is time that could have been spent searching for someone who is able to commit. But instead you make excuses for him and continue to believe superficial things. At this point he is not even doing anything wrong to you, because this is what you have allowed to happen. You have become your own enemy in this situation. Your state of mind isn't ready for advice until you come to terms with your own troubles.
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reader, Cools_Breeze +, writes (8 June 2015):
I've never understood this about some people. You're obviously a very attractive person inside and out if there's a guy willing to chase you like this. I bet there are a ton of guys that look at you everyday and you could have the pick out of all of them. So with all your options available why would you choose this path? The path that you know is wrong and the path that goes against your principles on what a committed relationship should be. You deserve better. And with your personality you deserve to be in a committed relationship. You deserve a guy who's not married. His investment into this whole relationship is purely for his own ego, it's to make himself feel more attractive and desired. He wants his wife and marriage while keeping you on the side. That's not what marriage is, it's supposed to be with one person for the rest of your life while ignoring all the temptations of other women. If he can do this to his wife, what makes you think he won't do that to you in the future? This whole fantasy you're living is just what it is, a fantasy. You know it's wrong and every minute you spend in this place the less and less likely you'll actually meet someone. This whole thing is not real and the sooner you get out of it the better. Use your time wisely and find someone who deserves your gorgeous personality.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 June 2015):
 If he TOLD you he doesn't LOVE you then I fear he is telling you the TRUTH. He doesn't switch his feeling on an off, he played a part or an act while she was gone so YOU would ENTERTAIN him sexually and socially - now that she is back home, he no longer needs to put on the act.. because he no longer wants you around. IT WAS a fantasy. He did it for the FREE sex and EGO rub you provide. Fantasy is OVER for him... YOU need to wake up and get the heck out of LA-LA land. You are not some super impressionable teenager who can't control herself, you are a GROWN ass woman and should KNOW better than to let this guy use you like some "escort".
PROVE him wrong and block his number, delete his number and contact info. IF he shows up at your house - don't open the door.
He thinks you are SO desperate for "love" that you are willing to put up with his TREATMENT of you. And honestly, YOU ARE. You talk about this unstoppable connection... well, honey.. HE DOESN'T feel that at all. He just enjoys you occasionally. He bought you clothes and made you breakfast - BIG FREAKING deal. He RENTED you for the week.
YOU are the one CHOOSING TO RUIN YOUR LIFE. You want more? FIND yourself a NICE single man who CAN be your everything, instead of being USED by some other woman's HUSBAND. Have some self respect.
I doubt you will cut him out of your life. Because you like living this deluded fantasy. You think there is "hope" he will leave his wife and be with you, even though he is PRETTY adamant about how LITTLE he ACTUALLY cares about you.
Don't you KNOW that you deserve more than be used?
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