A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My parents are basically planning to cut ties with my son and I once I move out to be with my fiance. It hurts a lot and I am not sure what to do. Long story in a nutshell-I was previously married. My parents moved overseas for three years and let my ex and I rent out their house (we divorced about year after they moved). They moved back this past February and it's basically been hell most of the time living here with them-but I've stayed basically because 1. I love them and had been excited about them moving back 2. I didn't have a whole lot of good options to move out. My fiance and I have a place now, but we are not set to move into it for another month or so (he lives out of state)My Mother has always been basically a harsh, critical, and difficult person. She is deadset against me being with my fiance. For one, she thinks he doesn't make enough money, she also doesn't like that he has kids-among many other grievances. She has never met him, and refuses to. My Dad is also against the marriage, but he at least briefly met my fiance and was polite to him.Recently, my Dad told me that my Mom plans to cut ties with my son and I once we move out. He said he will be as well, since his loyalty is to her and he isn't going to go against her wishes to see me or my son. I told him that is very unfair-especially to my son-his grandson, who is only four and loves them dearly. I am so hurt and feel totally betrayed. I have always tried to do right by them, nothing I have ever done has been "good enough". Part of me also does not care, since I don't need their toxicity (esp my mom) in my life, but it still hurts. I hurt also for my son who has so little family and now his own grandparents are going to turn their backs on us both over what their perception is of a person they don't even know.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 June 2015):
 It's their loss not yours or your son's. I can't see letting a small impressionable child be around such angry bigoted people as a good thing for the child anyway.
As for family, they are blood relatives. Family is what you make it. Like Honeypie says there are "adoptive grandparents"
I am one to my friend's 3 yr old who has grandparents that live very very VERY far away. So she is loved mostly by me as a grandma stand in.... she does fine.
so will your son.
best of luck to you and your fiance on the new life together.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (8 June 2015):
 The only thing under your control here is how you react. You say that your mother is toxic, and your description is pretty consistent with that. Your father doesn't have much backbone if he'd let her dictate what sort of relationship he has (or doesn't) with his children. In fact you drew the short straw as far as parents go.
We grow up with this Norman Rockwell vision of what families are supposed to be like, but only a vanishingly small number are actually like that. We can feel hard-done-by, and that's fair, but in the end we're left to come to terms with it.
Create a home with your fiance, love your son, and let him gradually forget about his grandparents. Let your mother know that you are open to a relationship if she ever gets to a point where she can do it in a constructive manner (but don't hold your breath). As an adult you can choose who to have in your life. I suggest you forget the idealized notion of family, which you've been denied, and wish good riddance to your mother's toxic influence. Instead choose to surround yourself with people who lift you up and make you better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 June 2015):
 Ah family! Gotta love em!
Well, not really. If your mom is toxic, maybe it IS for the better, not only for YOU but for your son to not have contact.
You can have a HAPPY life without being in contact with your parents. Personally, I would take the high road and send them birthday cards, Christmas etc with pictures of your son, so they can see what they are missing. Who know maybe your dad will realize that you mom is not right in her attitude and actions. For now though, don't let them spoil your life.
My kids have a couple of "honorary grandparents" who aren't blood but have loved them and spoiled them for the last 11 years. And they have 2 living grandfathers who also love & spoil them. Family is WHAT you make it. Not what your mom dictates.
Chin up. It really is HER loss.
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