A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 and a half years and I want to leave him but I don't know how. In a sense I am frightened of what he'll do if we break up. About 2 years ago, we broke up for 4 months. I moved on and dated someone else, but that ended, and somehow, I really have no clue how, we ended up getting back together. After getting back together, the following six months were the worst months of my life. If I was too tired to have sex with him, I was a slut. If I initiated sex, I was a slut. If I went anywhere with my family, he'd have to ring me and make sure he could hear my parents talking otherwise he would get really angry and think I was out cheating on him. When we first got together, I told him something very personal that happened between an ex partner and myself, and I wanted to keep it a secret, without my family knowing. If I ever put a foot out of line, or he doesn't like the way I look at him (he thinks I roll my eyes when hes talking to me), if he doesn't like the way I speak to him, or for any silly little reason, the first thing he threatens to do is expose my secret to my family so I have to beg him not to.Its not a particularly bad secret, I didn't do anything wrong, I just didn't want anyone to know.Sometimes he tries to finish with me and like the pathetic woman that I am, I end up crying and pleading with him not to, although I don't really want to be with him, I just don't want him to expose my secret or be alone.He can be lovely on times, but other times he's just a nasty piece of work. He's never hit me, but he has pushed and shoved me a bit before, but never physically hurt me. Sometimes I think I would prefer the physical pain to this mental pain! I'm so messed up at the moment. All I want is a nice life with a nice man. Help me to leave him, I need to be myself again!
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 Oh sweetie...I've been where you are, and I know hurt scared/confused/hurt you are! First of all, here's a *HUG*. Now take a deep breath and start focusing on what you need to do to get out of this situation. It may seem overwhelming but you can walk away from this and learn to be happy and live again.
Domestic abuse isn't always physical. Emotional abuse can be just as damaging, even more so than physical abuse. What concerns me is that you say he hasn't hit you (yet) but he's pushed you and shoved you. Trust me, that can easily escalate into hitting and beating! Don't wait for it to happen. Make your plan to leave, and follow through.
As our other lovely aunts have said..he's blackmailing you. So take the air out of him and talk to your family. If you dont feel comfortable telling them exactly what happened, then just explain that something did happen and you didn't feel comfortable telling them but now he is blackmailing you with it. Get it out of the way NOW. Your family loves you, they'll understand. Everyone has said or done things that they aren't proud of! Don't let him hold this over your head!
Talk to your family, tell them EXACTLY what is going on with him. Tell them that you are afraid and just want out. Don't you think they love you enough to help you and want you to be happy? I was in an abusive marriage for 2 years..my husband was both mentally and physically abusive and I was too ashamed to tell my parents. I was only 21 and thought it would get better. It didn't. I thought maybe my parents knew..but they didn't. I couldn't take it any more and finally broke down and told them..they were shocked and angry at my husband. They rallied around me and protected me through the whole long ugly process. Don't you think your family would do the same for you?? Please talk to your family or a close friend and make a plan of escape. If you're afraid of him, have your dad, brother, co-worker or any big guy come with you when you move out. Better yet, call the police and have them there while you are moving out. Most police will do this. Just explain you are afraid and don't want to be hurt.
Get out now sweetie..please. Before something really bad happens. It took my husband breaking my arm for me to realize I had to leave. The next time he hurt me he might have killed me. Please please get some help..do not stay in a situation like you are in. Life is precious and no one..NO ONE deserves to be hurt, intimidated or frightened.
Please let us know how you are ok? I can't stress this enough....contact your family, friends and GET OUT!
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 September 2013):
 Domestic abuse is not just about hitting!
Manipulation, control, verbal abuse, controlling movements, blackmailing, threatening, pushing, shoving,keeping you short of money or not allowing you to see your friends and family (or making you feel guilty when you do), Nice one minute, nasty the next...these are all forms of domestic abuse.
I actually work within this field and there is no doubt in my mind that you are in an abusive relationship with a controlling unreasonable person.
You have to ask yourself if you:
A) Want him to change his ways so you can be together.
or
B) You want out completely because you are afraid of him and what he may do.
Either way, you need to be separated from him, you need to tell someone you trust that this is happening to you. You need to keep a record of any incidents where you feel he is making you uncomfortable.
He needs to seek help for his problems, and whilst he is getting that help, he should have absolutely no contact with you.
You do not say if you live with him, but you should probably move back in with family or a close friend.
If he gets more aggressive, or tries to tell you he's changed, it would be very wise not to believe him because men with these kinds of problems usually only get worse without proper psychological help.
If necessary, contact the police.
0808 2000 247 This is a free 24 hour advice line Womens Aid UK, they can give you advice about what else you can do to get out of this situation.
It's not unusual for things to escalate if he cannot get his own way, pushing and shoving can turn into punching and slapping very quickly and many women have faced even worse.
I can see the fear in your words, it's time to leave.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (3 September 2013):
 OK, you need to beat this bully because this is abuse and he's blackmailing you but what you don't realise is that you're holding all the trump cards!
Go to your family and tell them exactly what you've told us in your letter. You don't have to tell them the secret and I'm sure they'll respect that. They will support you.
Next, pack your things and move out, preferably back home if at all possible. When he threatens to tell your folks you can shrug and say, "they already know, I told them myself. I decided it was better coming from me! They also know how you've been treating me!"
He won't know you haven't shared the secret because he's hardly likely to have the guts to speak to any of your family after you've dumped him for domestic abuse.
He's brainwashed you with fear and it's preventing you seeing things clearly.
If he's violent or you fear for your safety take a family member or friend with you when you pack up and move out.
Do not be persuaded to stay no matter what lies he tells you! Change your phone number or block him. Delete him and his friends from all your internet accounts
You are a victim of domestic abuse (it doesn't have to be physical) and are living in fear of what this man is capable of and knows about you.
What you have to remember is that the secret he knows only has as much power as you give it! If you act as if you couldn't care less what he says and who he tells, the knowledge he has is then useless to him.
You've taken the first step identifying that this guy is a complete waste of space and that he's damaging you.
You are not pathetic, he has caused you damage and encouraged your dependence on him, he's feeding off your need for him.
Be strong, get your family to rally round you, I bet they'll be so relieved to have you back in their fold.
I hope this helps you, and remember, we're all here for you all the way.
Good Luck AB x
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