A
female
age
36-40,
*HHB423
writes:I need help. My boyfriend is obsessed with sexting other girls. I have caught him twice doing it with the same girl. He swears that nothing is going on between them, but I find it hard to believe. When I confront him about it he just keeps saying that he thinks he has a problem. I need help getting him to stop sexting these girls. Is this really a problem that a guy can have? We've been dating for more than 2 years and this isn't something new. We have sex regularly, so it's not like he isn't getting any. I just need help :( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, SHHB423 +, writes (28 January 2011):
SHHB423 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the great advice. I told him that I can't handle it anymore. We split up, and I will see where it goes from here. Hopefully he realizes what he lost. I'm glad I asked this question, so I could get my real answer. Thanks Guys!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): Ok, I believe that it is either of two things. 1. texting other women sexual fantasies is just his way of getting space from you. Everyone in a relationship needs a decent amount of breathing space, and sexting might just be a way of breaking free from the daily ritual of u being there everyday.2. he really is cheating on physically. He probably fantasizes about those women while he masturbates ( and trust me, he does masturbate), or even while you two have sex. eEither or, best thing to do is ask him if he needs space. If it takes him more than a half second to say no, or if he averts his eyes fro you, take it s a yea. He will deny it over and over again, but once he is single you will see another side of him.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 hi
it doesn't matter if you are having lots of sex, this is something entirely separate for him. if he truly believes he has got a problem, then HE will have to go and get help for it. by all means, help him to arrange the help. maybe he is just using the 'its a problem' as an excuse?
i don't know if its a genuine problem, i don't know if he is doing more than sexting with these girls - but it sounds like he wants to be. what i DO know is - he has got NO RESPECT for you or your relationship. why do you want to stay with someone like that? you can do better
xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): I had this problem with ex gf. The only 100% guaranteed way of fixing the problem is to walk out and dont go back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): Hi, I can empathise - my ex bf did the same thing. I found out, confronted him, he said he couldn't help it, it meant nothing, blah blah. Promised to stop (we'd been together 5 years), said he wanted to marry me and didn't want to hurt me. We split up, but he pursued me and eventually I took him back. Things were great for the next year, but then I found out he was doing it again on a secret cell phone. So I walked away. Best decision I ever made :) 12 months on, I am with a gorgeous guy I trust. Not having to worry about checking up on someone or what they might be doing is great. You deserve to be treated with respect and he's not doing this. You deserve to be happy and secure, and by his actions, he's not giving you this. You deserve better. Please don't make the mistakes I made.
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A
female
reader, masquerade711  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 You've received some awesome advice so far. I'd just like to add to it.
What he's doing is having an emotional affair with these girls. Sure, maybe he's not physically doing anything with them, but he's thinking of them and picturing them in a way that he should only be thinking about you. And eventually, for most people, the emotions behind it are not enough and they need the physical aspect.
It's my gut instinct that he's telling you he needs help because he wants to get away with it. "I can't help it", etc. I'm so sorry dear, but that sounds like a load of crap to me. If he truly does need help, then tell him he MUST stop the sexting and get the help he needs, and hold him to it! If he really loves you and wants to change, he won't have a problem if you ask to see his texts every once in awhile, for example.
masq
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): He is cheating on you emotionally. If he's been doing it for two years, it's quite likely he has already cheated on you physcially or at some point he will.
At some point some other girl is going to take his texts seriously and try to engage him in person. Either that or he's going to get a restraining order for harassing someone.
You need to leave him. You shouldn't make his problem yours.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): He will carry on as long as he is getting away with it. Tell him this is a deal breaker for you, he can sextext other girls if he wants but he can't have you as well, his choice, and if he doesn't stop, then walk, and mean it.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (27 January 2011):
 Well if he admits to having a problem - then he needs to seek help from a professional. Find a therapist or counsellor in your area and suggest that he goes to see them.
And make it clear, that unless he gets help and this stops - then you are not sticking around. The fact that he needs to get his kicks from other women is simply disrespectful to you, he could easily stop simply by deleting their mobile phone numbers and then seeing a therapist to get to the root of the problem.
But whatever you do, dont put up with this anymore. Quite simply, if he loved you, respected you and cared about your relationship then he would stop and get help. If he continues despite knowing how much it hurts you, and refuses to get help - then he simply is not as committed to this relationship as you are and it is time to call it a day. If he chooses the 'sexts' over you, well leave him to it. He can see how much fun it is then when he is left alone with only a few rude texts to get him off.
I hope it helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 If he's sexting them then he's already over the line, so where does the excuse "there's nothing between us" come from? If there was nothing then there'd be no texting. The texting is something... Call his BS. This is just stupid and he's disrespecting you. And you've let this go on for 2 years, why should he stop now?
It's complete nonsense that this is something guys have a problem with in general. It's clearly something HE has a problem with respecting, but guys and girls world wide are fully capable of not sexting others... It's not harder for him to not do it than it is for you to not do it.
I've never had to cope with this problem, but I think after 2 years you can either accept this poor behavior from your man, or walk. He's obviously not interested in stopping.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): if he is lying about that and keeps doing it tell him if you don't stop i will leave you i had to do that once only he was actually having affairs with my best friend i loved him dearly but i have a new guy who i care about more than i cared about himso just try to see it if its still going on after you warned him he probably doesn't love you sorry to have to say that
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