A
female
age
30-35,
*ndisclosedDesires
writes:This is probably going to be long, so bear with me.To start with, I don't want to hear how wrong you think/know these kind of relationships are, and how they will not work out and only cause trouble. I know this already. I'm old enough and mature enough to understand the problems this can cause, as well as the legal issues concerning this in my country. I am not actively seeking to make this happen, I just want some advice.Okay, so I started college two months ago, and I've fallen for one of my teachers. I had already met him in June, not long after I'd finished my exams in high school. My first impressions of him made me reconsider whether I really wanted to take that class, but I did anyway, and as I got to know him better my impressions changed, and I started liking him. I've told only my closest friends, and they're the only people supportive of me. They certainly don't encourage me and do take this seriously, though they will tease me frequently, if only to cheer me up, and give advice when they can. I've tried talking to my mum about this, but she doesn't seem to be taking it seriously enough. She only says "You know nothing can happen, right?" I know this already, but it would be nice if I could actually have a proper conversation with her about it. In a way, I'd love to chat with some people here frequently about this, so I have someone to see me through this whole thing rather than just answer one or two questions.So anyway. Now that I fancy him, I've been more aware of his actions and things like that, and my intuition is telling me there's something there. Of course, I could just be reading into things or mistaking friendly gestures for flirting, but even my friends have pointed out some things, like how he seems to be listening to my conversations with people in the class from his desk all the time, where he can also clearly hear others' conversations but takes no notice of them, and how he spends more time around me and my friends, talking to me about the work and giving me the answers and things like that. I could go into detail to justify my reasons for believing this, but this question is long enough as it is. More importantly, I keep getting the feeling that sure, maybe he does like me, but if he does he knows it's wrong, hence the subtlety (it's pretty impossible to completely hide how you feel about someone). I also get this impression because when I have asked to speak to him after class concerning my work (only twice now), he makes sure to keep the door open, either as if he doesn't trust me or himself. I'm pretty damn sure I don't come across as someone who would try something with their teacher, whether I like them or not.So my first question is, what do you think? I just want to see if I'm just reading into things, or if he genuinely might like me, in which case I'll have to be more careful. I'm pretty sure his intentions aren't to prey on teenage girls, but, of the few girls who take his class, there are certain ones he will treat differently - those he will treat the same as boys, and those (like myself and two of my friends) he seems to be more lenient and talkative with. So let me know what you think.This is where I need some advice. For this course, I actually have two teachers, so I only see him once a week for a double lesson. Those two are the only two to teach this course, so it's not like I can switch teachers or classes if necessary. Recently, I'm finding I can't concentrate on the work. I really want to do well, but my mind just doesn't want to focus. I'm actually a very self conscious person and I don't like taking the initiative, so most of the time I'm afraid of putting the wrong answer down or looking stupid. I think I probably look like more of an idiot sat there not really doing much, being given the answers by my teacher, and then not knowing how to word it or forgetting what he just said. It could be that I'm trying too hard to impress him without knowing it, so I want everything to be perfect and well thought out. It doesn't help when there was no one that I knew in my class when I first started the course, and I like to have someone there to discuss it with. I was friendly towards one of the three other girls in my class and we sometimes worked together, but I felt disappointed when I saw her doing so much work, and I did almost nothing, and even when she tried to help me out, nothing was working. So I've now asked to switch my free periods with another class, a class one of my close friends is in, and she happens to be the only girl there, to see if I can do better with someone I actually know. Yesterday I spent my frees in my old class though, because I have today off so I would be missing my new lesson with him and therefore a lot of coursework. I spoke to him at the beginning of the lesson, just saying that I didn't think the transfer had been done yet (which it hadn't, I was still on his register), but he told me I could stay if I wanted, and that he didn't mind me having double lessons, because he'd only be going over the same stuff. I think I might need these extra lessons if I'm not doing so well with the work, and I don't really mind, but my problem is what if I still don't do as well simply because I'm being way too self conscious? I can't really stop liking him, or get over it; I've already tried. I spoke to him after the lesson, telling him I was concerned I wasn't doing as well as I should, that I felt as if I was distracted. He asked if there was a way that he could help, or if I knew what it was that was distracting me. I told him I knew, but couldn't really say, because honestly, I'd cause more trouble telling him I like him than keeping it to myself. He said maybe I could speak to my tutor, or if I had any other problems to see him or my other teacher (except I'm not having any trouble in her class). Again, this is something I can't really tell the teachers, no matter how much this is kept confidential.So I'd like to know, how do you think I can overcome this without dropping the course? Do you think it might be a good idea to tell either my tutor or my teacher that I like him, and that's what's causing the problems, but that I have no intention of starting a relationship or something? They probably all know that students have crushes on their teachers anyway, so would it help to say something or not?
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female
reader, dazey  +, writes (18 November 2009):
Hi,I think I mentioned this but I really advise you to go to student support and get practcal help with organising your workload and planning essays and assignments for this course. the emotional stuff needs time and depends on other people, you can't expect to just be able to fix it. You can however take practical steps to address how you approach the classes and the courses you're studying. This class is taking up a lot of your head space- you mention that you have others you don't devote enough time to- because of the thing with the teacher. Perhaps you can't avoid this right now but you really can get the academic stuff into perspective and your college should definitely offer this sort of support. Academic skills, study skills, learning support, whatever you call it. good luck!!!
A
female
reader, kitty_3  +, writes (17 November 2009):
 i can relate, as i had a similar problem last year in history. i found it hard to concentrate at first, but then i started spending a lot of time studying and doing my homework as to impress him. i was still self-conscious, but at least my grades were good.also, i wouldn't tell your teacher or your tutor, because they'd have to report it and that would become a huge, more-distracting mess.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (16 November 2009):
 Sadly, there really is not much we can do to help you, as this is a very personal battle. We cannot make your brain change its opinion. You are the only one who can do that.
The obvious answer is to say "get over it", but this is hard, and I do understand that. You need to focus on your work, focus on other things, when you are in his class make a double effort to concentrate on your work not him. We can tell you to just give up on him, but you have to want to do it. Its like an alcoholic or a smoker. You have to realise you have a problem, accept you have a problem, and then actively strive to change it. Unless you do that, then it is going to be hard.
You have to want to stop liking him, or else no amount of advice is going to be any use.
Focus on your work, maybe get a hobby? Talk to new people. Fill your life and brain with other things to do, so that you are not constantly thinking about him. I know its hard but you are going to have to do it - but you are the only person who can make this happen.
If you dont, then you are going to ruin your schooling.
I think from your update you can now see he doesnt like you in the same way and is just being a caring teacher by the sounds of it. He is genuinely concerned about you. Maybe use this as a catalyst to help you - he doesnt like you back in a romantic or sexual way, so therefor he is an asshole and think of it that way. Just a suggestion.
We all have to deal with heartbreak, unrequited love, and crappy breakups. We cry and sob and mope for weeks, even months in some cases, but the advice is always the same (and believe me, we have all been given it). SO Pull yourself together and stop being silly. He is only one man. There are millions more in this world.
You really need to get a grip on this, because your work is suffering, and at this rate they are going to start contacting your parents if they are seriously worried about you. So, you need to start acting grown up and mature, get a handle on your emotions, if necessery put in an acting performance worthy of an Oscar when at school, and show everyone that you are ok. Put on that brave face and maybe, one day you will begin to feel better. The more you dwell on it, the worse it is going to be. So change the subject in your head, switch the tape to something different and move on. Change your mind set and change your life for the better.
You are an independant young woman, so act like one! Be strong, be confident, you dont need this man.
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A
female
reader, UndisclosedDesires +, writes (15 November 2009):
UndisclosedDesires is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate some of the advice you guys have given me, and you have some valid points. I can't help but feel my problem is being ignored though, as more answers seem to revolve around correcting me or forcing me to think otherwise. Whether this teacher likes me or not isn't the question anymore - I have a serious problem with which I am trusting people here to give me some helpful advice.
I have an update on the situation, for those who are more concerned with my problem. My tutor approached me on Thursday when I had a lesson with her, telling me she needed to speak to me about this particular subject. She first brought it up by saying something along the lines of 'What have you done to him?' (she's actually a very nice and humorous person and likes to make jokes a lot so people feel more at ease, so please don't get the wrong impression), which initially frightened me because I was afraid somehow she'd found out and that I might be moved out of his class. She then told me that he was worried about me, and I realised what she meant, so I explained the situation to her and told her about the conversation I had had with the teacher, all the while leaving out the fact that I like him. According to her he thinks I'm very quiet, when actually, I have always spoken up whenever I've had a problem (few times though) and always talk to friends in the class. But that's besides the point; I now feel guilty that I've made this teacher worry about me for essentially fancying him, or that I may have given the impression something is going on at home with my family. I haven't seen him since my tutor spoke with me, and won't for a few days, so I'm not sure what's happening right now. I'm sure my tutor would have relayed this back to him just as he had told her he was concerned because I was having trouble concentrating and being less self conscious, so I don't know whether to expect hearing from him or not. At the moment, I'm trying to make up for what work I didn't do during the lesson here at home, but I can't keep this up for the whole two years, especially when I have other subjects that I need to devote some time to. Does anyone have any advice or a way to overcome this without stating the obvious "get over it"?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2009): Btw, it's regulation to have the door open when a male tutor and a girl pupil are alone in the room -so don't make a big deal out of that. Many other girls will fancy this teacher as well, I am not so sure that you're any different .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): In answer, agree that talking is important and you should try to make your mum see you are asking a serious question. While it's true you are not the first or the last to have these feelings, everyone's experience is totally different so you can only really reason with yourself.In class you really should just try to relax, easy for me to say but it's true. You shouldn't let your nervousness around him affect your work, in the lessons focus on getting the work done and if you feel comfortabe then just spark up some light conversation or something, you'll soon feel more at ease.Also, it's not usually a good idea to tell your teacher you like them and its probably better for now to be contented spending fun times with them, or just being in their company. If something more is to come of it then that will come over time but the best thing is to try and be happy now. xxx
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (11 November 2009):
Also
"I do understand the reasoning behind keeping the doors open and such, but not all schools have these rules, I'm sure. My college doesn't seem to, because I have been to see other male teachers regarding my work and no "precautions" if you will, were taken"
All schools have rules about open door policies If the teacher is concerned about the student in question. We are all advised IF we ever have any concerns about a particular student to ALWAYS keep the doors open. Obviously, there are many pupils you dont feel you have to do this with, and there are teachers who don't care, BUT it is part of the guidlines of teaching practice we are advised to follow.
If he does this with you, he may not feel comfortable being on his own with you. He may feel threatened or uneasy. This really does scream out to me that he doesnt feel anything for you.
"Generally I try not to bother with crushes and relationships because I'm just not interested. But when I can't help it if I fall for someone, then I know it's genuine"
The thing about crushes -as you will learn with age - is that at the time they feel genuine, and you feel like you are in love, and that the world revolves around them. In 10 years time you will look back and realise this was just a crush. IF you still feel the same in 10 years, then you can say its real.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (11 November 2009):
"To start with, I don't want to hear how wrong you think/know these kind of relationships are, and how they will not work out and only cause trouble. I know this already. I'm old enough and mature enough to understand the problems this can cause, as well as the legal issues concerning this in my country"
As you are "mature" enough to know this is wrong,then you have already answered your own question. You move on, and try and ignore any feelings you have for this man.
""You know nothing can happen right?" I know this already, but it would be nice if I could actually have a proper conversation with her about it"
To be honest, your mother is right. You can go over and over this topic, and round in circles, debating, arguing, wishing and assuming what he might be thinking/feeling/doing, never actually doing anything about the situation. This is completely detrimental to you, when what you need to be doing is facing up to the fact that this can and will never happen, and begin to move on. You need to come to the realisation, he is not going to have a relationship with you no matter how much you like him. Harsh maybe, but this is real life. Even if you are over the age of consent, there are still rules that he has to abide by - even for students up to the age of 18.
All girls, no matter who they are have all had a crush at sometime or another on a teacher. We ALL do it. But, what you have to realise is that it is a fantasy. Here is a mature adult man, who's actions you are interpreting to mean that he has feelings for you. At 16-17 you are at an impressionable age, where life, love and sex are all new, exciting and part of the unknown. You do not understand how these things really work,because as yet you have not experienced it. This is perfectly normal, and it is ok to experiement and try out new things. BUT you have to know where the line is drawn between reality and fantasy.
As for keeping the door open, this is standard teacher practice. I am a teacher, and we are advised, if we think there may be issues to always keep the doors open if we have meetings with students one on one. It protects us against false claims of sexual abuse, violence. If the door is open, there is always someone else around who can back us up or step in to help if a situation turns sour. People can hear everything that is said. Sadly, there are many girls and boys who think it is fun to make false claims of sexual harassment against teachers. For all we know, your teacher may have clocked that you fancy him, and is scared witless that if he rejects your advances you might try and frame him by saying he touched you.
Fantasy? It happens far more than you realise.
He probably already knows that you fancy him. You will have given yourself away a long time ago purely by your body language and the way you act around him. Nothing you have said gives any hint that he is reciprocating your feelings - he sounds like he is just being a normal teacher and you are reading way too much into his kind actions.
I think the issue here is far more about you, than it is the crush on the teacher. Moving from school to college is a very big step, and your comfort blanket of having all your close friends near you is whipped away. This is what its all about - learning to make YOU the important one, not being part of a gang. It is a time to grow, mature, find yourself and make new friends. You say you find it difficult to work in a class where you dont know anyone? Well get to know the people in the class! You cannot have the same friends all your life. I would think that most people over the age of 20 very rarely see the people they went to school with, but that is the joy of growing up. You meet lots of new and exciting people - and they will bring lots of new experiences to your life.
This is the time where you need to mature, and grow up. Become the adult and have confidence in yourself. If you are scared that you think you dont know the answers, when I am sure you do - this is all down to low confidence. It may be worth talking to your study advisers at college to see if they can get you a mentor or study buddy. There are many options, and having someone you could discuss ALL your work with, who will help you, and show you that you CAN do it! :)
I dont doubt that you feel very strongly for this man, but leave it in your head. Treat it for what it is - a lovely fantasy. This situation is no different to that of having a thing for George Cloony, Take That the first time round (shows my age!. You think they are wonderful, caring, handsome etc etc etc, but you know deep down it will never happen, but the thoughts are nice.
I really hope you can move on from this - but you are the only one who can do it. IF you push this, both your teacher and you are going to suffer, and you may well put your school career in jeopardy, as well as putting him in a position where he may have to change schools.
Become the adult and move on.
I wish you luck.
Tiger
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A
female
reader, UndisclosedDesires +, writes (11 November 2009):
UndisclosedDesires is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the anonymous poster, I'm not at university level. College is not the same as university in the UK. So technically, it is like high school, because it's the equivalent of the last two years of high school in the US, I believe.
You might have a point, and while I don't agree with it though, I appreciate your input. Of course I don't blame him; I blame myself more than anything. I'm not having any trouble in any of my other courses, and I'm fine with the work being taught by my second teacher for this particular course, so this is something restricted to just his lessons. I have already switched classes - to one with more boys in actually, so you'd think I'm sure to find someone else. But that doesn't mean my problem is solved; he is still my teacher, whatever class I'm in.
And yes, my teachers SHOULD care about my crushes if it's causing me problems with my work. Even if I'm not at university yet, I don't believe that ALL schools, colleges and universities would have this approach. If a student is concerned they are not doing as well as they think they should, the teachers should be able to help. That's why I have a tutor in the first place.
I suppose I probably did make it seem like I was taking this personally. I do understand the reasoning behind keeping the doors open and such, but not all schools have these rules, I'm sure. My college doesn't seem to, because I have been to see other male teachers regarding my work and no "precautions" if you will, were taken.
But I know exactly what you mean about looking for things to fixate on. I have actually done this before, and I know the differences between genuinely liking someone, and liking them simply because it's something to fixate on. Generally I try not to bother with crushes and relationships because I'm just not interested. But when I can't help it if I fall for someone, then I know it's genuine. Had I known this would affect my work in a subject I thoroughly enjoy, I probably wouldn't have taken the course.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): I see you wish to tell people about this. And after reading through your question I feel that I can associate to how you feel. However I doubt you will like my viewpoint!
I don't think you really like him. I think you "want" to like him, because that gives you something to fixate about. Ive done this a lot myself, I am a drama queen who seeks out "situations" where there are none. Do you really think it's his fault that you can't keep up at university? And do you really think the other teachers at uni cares about your crushes? This isn't high school. And I think that the sudden change of location and all the extra work you as a student of university is taking on, is overwhelming to you.
Don't get me wrong, Im not labeling you as stupid. Many freshmen at uni have problems coping with the new situation. The work is harder, and the teachers care less. In fact all the things you wrote that were "signs" he likes you, are things teachers normally do. If you keep staring at him I am sure he will stare back at you more often than he stares at other students..
I think this is all in your head. Him leaving the door open is actually something teachers are obliged to do, at least at my university. They are actually not allowed to close the door, to rule out any suspicions and so on. It's nothing personal. But you somehow think this is personal.
I suggest you change the class. And then look around and find a cute student to adore, and I bet you soon the teacher will be long forgotten. But as long as you keep fixating on him, you wont get over it. Remember though that whatever you feel, it is most likely one sided.
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A
female
reader, UndisclosedDesires +, writes (11 November 2009):
UndisclosedDesires is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEyeswideopen, he's in his twenties and is not married. He doesn't talk about his personal life much, he seems like a bit of an antisocial person at times, so I can't say for sure that he's single.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 November 2009):
 Just curious, how old is he, and are you sure he's not married or in a relationship already?
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A
female
reader, dazey +, writes (11 November 2009):
If you think it would help, mention to your tutor that you're distracted because there's someone in your class that you have a crush on. You don't have to say it's your teacher. It also sounds like you don't have a "study buddy" which you seem to be used to. Does your college have a learning support centre? Somewhere to get study tips, write essay plans etc? You might find that would be a help with getting your work organised if you can't rely on your teacher's help without going weak at the knees.
Bear in mind that a relationship would be legal, but would compromise the guy's job. Don't leave a class you love for his sake, but do change classes if you were only taking it to get close to this teacher you like. Think about that one and be honest with yourself.
Finally, even though you are teacher/student, this relationship is very contrived and you may come to realise that you get on great as people and maybe there is a future. If so, be patient, prioritise your education, make well-thought-out choices and be sensitive to the issues and what's at risk. You will likely impress this teacher with your maturity and if you do, I predict this will go one of two ways. Either he will realise that you're a viable partner for the future (once you finish college) and things will develop, or he will realise that you've both had a fliration but that is all and he'll run a mile scared of losing his job or worse.
PS a teacher friend of mine ended up dating a former student BUT ONLY once she'd left school. They met at school, and a lot of us were saying he was a bit of a perv, however, they did make a lovely couple and stayed together quite a while. I do think that spending your working day surrounded by youth must level the perceived age gap somewhat, but bear in mind that other parties will have an opinion on such relationships whether it's their business or not you might just have to put up with that. (Little Britain do a funny teacher/pupil relationship sketch if you need to lighten it up a bit)
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A
female
reader, Dr Bex +, writes (11 November 2009):
Ok firstly I'm not going to preach to you about the rights and wrongs of being attracted to someone you shouldn't and how its wrong to feel the way you do because its not. You have feelings like everyone else has feelings and emotions cannot just be switched off because others say they're wrong. My advice to you is you need to face this and deal with it appropriately. By ignoring it, it will not go away and it could complicate things more. I think talking to your tutor about these feelings will help you. If you feel comfortable enough then tell her how you are feeling but ask her to keep in confidential. Im sure she has like you said seen student crushes before but the fact that you are realising this is causing you problems and that you know you do not want it to progress shows a great sign of maturity and courage. Most people would just run away with their feelings but you are definitely doing the right thing. I don't know you or your teacher so its difficult for me to make an assumption as to whether or not he has feelings for you. Sometimes though, when we feel a connection we can pick up on minor things and create them into something more. Im not saying that is what you are doing but when you like someone you do tend to watch their every move and in turn you can start thinking Ok so he looked at me then - that must mean something. Your first port of call should be your tutor. Tell her everything you have explained in your letter to us and I'm sure she will totally understand and fully respect you for being able to talk about it. It may not be the best idea just yet to confront the teacher about this as this could jeopordise his career and could prevent you from continuing your course. Please do not keep these feelings bottled up. Talk to your tutor and Im sure you will start to feel like a whole weight has been lifted from your shoulder. Good luck and I hope you can resolve this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): I've known some people who married their teachers. There's nothing wrong with falling in love with your teacher. It's your personal right to fall in love with anyone. Just bear in mind that if you do want something to happen, you should do it when you're not a student in that school anymore, that is you graduate.
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