A
female
age
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*illette
writes:I am in the worst relationship I have EVER been in. I'm totally miserable and bored to tears when I'm with him. He is rude, selfish, disrespectful to me and woman in general. I'm ashamed to admit I have been with this guy for over six years. He has hurt me over and over again in so many ways and I stopped loving him years ago. I know it is a TOXIC relationship, yet I stay, we don't live together. I have headaches and anxiety when I'm with him and I basically tune him out whenever he talks which is endlessly about himself. and the sex sucks, I know this is a no brainer, someone knock some sense into me. I"ve been waiting for years for him to man up and acknowledge the kind of man he is but he blames for for everything, my crazy mind thinks that I will get some satisfaction or closure if he does, never going to happen, somebody KICK ME Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2017): Well, you are of a certain age so you are probably feeling that your marketability is not high at this point. You feel that at least you have a man. In this case an abusive one, but he's the devil you know. After awhile, you become used to or addicted to the drama and put up with it. There is a cycle of abuse. You may mistakenly associate his abuse as him loving you. It is a drama which repeats over and over, same cycle, same result. There is an odd comfort in the familiarity of it all. Which is not the case. Although you are feeling alone, demeaned and unloved, at least this way you don't have to put yourself out there. Risk not finding anyone. Risk being rejected. Risk being alone. Nobody likes to be alone. So, you have settled. But isn't being alone better than being with a monster?It seems to me you place too much importance on him. You are not happy inside yourself. That is why you are seeking out happiness (and failing to find it) in another person. Happiness comes from within first. You need to find your own happiness and this means spending time with yourself. Finding the person you are again. The person you LOST when you latched onto this man.Why are you doing this to yourself? It seems you are punishing yourself for something? Why are you not loving yourself instead? Do you suffer from depression? Low self esteem? Do you like yourself? You are choosing this situation. You are allowing this man to treat you badly. By staying with him. He knows you are not going anywhere so he continually abuses you and takes you for granted. I am sorry but you are a doormat to him. And he knows it. Why do you lower yourself to a man like this? He is not worthy of YOU.Has he cheated on you? I suspect yes is the answer. You need to get out of his grip and out of this trap. You will never be happy as long as he keeps pushing your head below the water. You are forever struggling to come up and gasp for air. Is this how you want to live? With your head barely above water? There is so much more to life! So many people worth meeting! You need to open yourself up instead of close yourself off and stop living your life in this self imposed prison. With your jailer. That is what he is. He is tying you down. Keeping you down. He is trying to break you. So that he can get his thrills controlling you and abusing you. He is a weak, pathetic man. It is time to take your power back.I suggest you get a support network in place. Find groups in your area that support abused partners. Find a counsellor to talk to. Find other women to talk to who are in your shoes. A crisis line. Talk to your family. Ask for help. You need a place to stay. And you need to go NC from him. He is going to destroy you. You now have hit rock bottom. You are here crying for help. Just know that help needs to start with YOU. You need to want to make that change. You have to be ready to say to yourself. I am done with him. I do not need this abuse. I am worthy of so much better. And leave. Sweetie, you have the courage deep inside you. YOU CAN DO IT. You KNOW this situation is bad for you. You have known all along. NOW is the time to finally do something about it.It will be hard for awhile. And you will suffer withdrawal. But it is not love. It is a poisonous relationship. It is CO-DEPENDENCE. You both bring out the worst in each other. Why would you want to be with this man? He does not love you. You hate him.Please value yourself enough to leave him. You are good enough. You are worthy of love. And there is a man out there who will want to be with you and treat you well. And if you do not meet him right away, that's okay. It is okay to be alone. Find yourself again. Do things which make you happy. Take care of you. You need to be in the right mind set. You need to be emotionally and spiritually strong. It will be a journey. But you can't get there without this baggage you are carrying. You need to set yourself free. Don't waste a moment longer. He is your anchor. Unchain yourself.Life is not a life sentence. It is meant for living. When do you realize these things? When somebody tells you that it might be too late and you wish you could go back but there is no more time. Live in the NOW. Stop torturing yourself. Life hits hard but it also brings us great happiness if we have the guts to pursue it.Tomorrow is a new day. Make it your new beginning.Hugs.
A
female
reader, Campari Milano  +, writes (23 February 2017):
Maybe you're right. Maybe he is the best you can do. Maybe this is all you deserve.
If you are unhappy in your relationship, and he is so awful, you must hate yourself.
Usually, there's a very good reason for that; maybe some trauma or abuse (physical, or emotional).
Do you truly believe no one else could care about you?
Haven't you heard the phrase, 'It's better to have loved and lost, than live with a psycho all your life!'
I know you don't live together and I'm not saying he's a psycho but,still!!!
There is clearly something you aren't saying. Do you have friends? Are you scared you'll be even more lonely without this cxxx?
Trust me! Listen to some Rat Pack Swing and move on!
You can do it if you want to.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (23 February 2017):
 I am in your age bracket, so I'm going to talk to you like a friend. Friends don't watch friends deteriorate without speaking up and trying to get them help. LEAVE the relationship. FOR YOU. You aren't happy, he mistreats you, doesn't appreciate you, and on top of everything else the sex is bad. WHY are you still with him? Is it because you are afraid of being alone? No one else will ever come along? Honey...its better to be alone (and able to look) than to be with someone that makes you miserable. What does he give to you? Honestly?? This is what you need to ask yourself.
My sister is 51 and didn't date for about 12-13 years after her divorce. She finally found someone she thought was nice, but he turned out to be a gambler and a liar and a parasite. We kept begging her to end things. She admitted to me he was lonely and wanted companionship. She really wasn't interested in sex (but he was! she said he would badger her about it all the time). She FINALLY got rid of him and told me that he just wasn't worth it. I know she wanted someone but that guy wasn't right for her and was just using her. I told her to just take her time, be cautious and try again.
When something is rotten, you don't keep it right? You throw it in the trash where it belong. So throw out your trash. Here's that kick you asked for.
Hugs!!! It will be alright...it might be lonely at first but you will be freeing yourself to try again and find someone who will love and cherish you. You'll never know if you don't try. I wish you all the best.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (23 February 2017):
 If he was just a friend, you would have dropped him a long time ago as there is nothing you like about being with him.
Why do you stay? Is it for the status of being "in a relationship"? Or for the companionship, rubbish as it is? Or because you feel you would have wasted all those years if you walk now? It doesn't even sound like he treats you in any way which would be acceptable. If you can pinpoint what you actually GET out of this miserable existence, it will be easier to move on.
You don't enjoy his company, you don't enjoy the sex which just seems to be a reflection of the rest of the relationship. It sounds like you dread meeting up with him.
If a friend of yours was in this situation and came to you, what would you advise? Exactly. Now take your own advice and dump this boring miserable misogynist and get on with enjoying the rest of your life without him.
Sending hugs. I would love to get a follow-up post from you to say you had done it. Please?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2017): Toxic-relationships are like taking a drop of cyanide every-other day in your morning juice to see how long it takes to kill you!
They erode your self-esteem, make you loose your friends, and estrange you from your family.
The horrible kind of guy you're describing will never leave until you grow a pair, and kick his ass to the curb! He knows not one solitary female on the planet would keep him around as long as you have. He's even ruining your health!!!
What's wrong with you?!! Seriously?!!!
Girlfriend, you sound like a hot mess! Unless you're a glutton for punishment; what the heck are you doing to yourself??? Life is too freaking short!
I remember a female-colleague once said "having a bad man is better than having no man at all." He finally drove her to alcoholism and she ended up in rehab. She was passed-out drunk on her own front-lawn when one of her neighbors found her. She quit, moved to another state, and found another job. She couldn't face any of us anymore. In spite of all the things everyone tried to tell her before things got so bad!
He died of a brain aneurysm; and that's how she was set free.
I recall he showed up at the office one day screaming in a rage; because she got a scratch on his new BMW. He yelled at her in-front of an office full of people. She was humiliated.
She was an educated, respected, well-accomplished woman in her fifties as well. She couldn't bear the thought of being without a man. I wasn't offering advice at that time, but I am offering it to you now. I've seen the worst in my days, and I've witnessed good gay-men and straight-women turned into a pile of pitiful withered flesh by toxic-relationships with awful men. I swore to this day, I'd never let anyone do that to me.
Woman, get a grip!!! Change your locks and get a restraining order. Pack his things in garbage bags and boxes, and get the biggest meanest male-relatives you have to tell him to bug-off.
How much older do you have to be to grow-up? You're wasting life and killing yourself slowly.
Enough is enough!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2017): "I've been waiting for years for him to man up and acknowledge the kind of man he is . . . my crazy mind thinks that I will get some satisfaction or closure if he does"Why do you need a scumbag to verify he's a scumbag when you already know he's a scumbag? You're still with him so what incentive does he have to change when he knows you'll continuing putting up with him no matter how loathsome his behavior? I suspect your ego wants to revel in the smug satisfaction that would come from him finally admitting that you were right. In the meantime you'll continue to waste your life hoping he'll magically change into the person you want him to be; he's probably getting a lot of satisfaction from knowing he has that kind of power over you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2017): It would help if you can tell us what's keeping you from leaving. Anything at all. -M
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