A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married for five years and have two kids. I have never asked anything about her past all I knew is she wasn't a virgin when we met. This past summer we were at a pool party and one of my best friend's from school was there he noticed my wife's very distinctive birth mark on the back of her leg. He asked if I remember being at a party that he and I went to and seeing a girl and two guys having a threesome, one guy doing her from behind while she gave the other oral In front of a large crowd. I watched for a minute but could not see who the girl was my friend however watched for a while and noticed a birthmark on the back of the girls left leg. Well he told me at the party that my wife was the girl who had the threesome because she has the exact same birthmark, which makes sense as the party was at a friend of my wife's house. I have never questioned her past but this is hurting me, I absolutely would not have married her had I known she had done this sort of thing. I was not a virgin when we met but have never done anything like this and never will, I think it is disgusting and shows complete lack of self respect and morals what should I do?
View related questions:
best friend, her past, threesome Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Aussie Guy  +, writes (16 April 2017):
anonymous OP: After reading your post I have a few thoughts:1-Your wife was under no obligation to tell you about her sexual past which is the same for you. If you wanted to know her past before married her you should have asked.2-Do not think you are more righteous than your wife as you were not a virgin. 3-I know it is a trite saying but you should leave her past where it belongs in the past. You wife said that you were her first real relationship and that she has been faithful to you since being married to you.4-If the roles were reversed how would you like being held up for something that you did in the past. This goes to t he heart of cultural issues such as If a man has sex with a lot of women men pat him on the back and call him a Casanova or a stud. If a women does the same thing they call her a whore. Where you and your friend tuned on when you saw other men having sex with the women (now your wife) would you liked to have had aturn? Your wife does not owe you an apology for things that happened before she met you. Are you really going to divorce her for her sexual past because she does not meet your exacting requirements!! Be careful mate she will get tired of your acting like a child and divorce you!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2017): Update. I asked my wife about this and she admitted that it was her and that she has an extremely promiscuous past. She has had many one night stands meeting guys at bars and parties and leaving with them never even knowing their name. She has done male, female, male and female, male, female threesomes numerous times. She has had sex at parties while being watched claiming that this was a huge turn on for her, I asked her damn how many people have you been with and she said that she didn't know probably around 100. I am the only guy that she ever had sex with that was actually a relationship?, I am upset with myself for being so nieve and trusting, now knowing all of this I am completely disgusted with her and am trying to come to grips with my feelings and emotions. She has apologized? and says that she feels bad and wishes she didn't do those things? and that she has been faithful since we've been married. We have not had sex in three weeks and I have been sleeping in another room until I can sort things out, we have too much invested in our relationship and family to walk away but I feel like I have been taken advantage of for being a nice guy with morals that didn't treat her like a girl that was an easy lay.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 March 2017):
 Is this situation any better now?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2017): I read your update and I am willing to place a huge bet on the fact that this was NOT your wife. You and your friend maybe glimpsed a woman for a second. Plenty of women have birth marks on their legs or butt areas! Honestly, you were from a big town...I really don't think this was her.
I think you definitely should ask her. You are already fearing the worst. You might as well learn the truth, and learn to live with it, or live in great relief that it wasn't her. Which I think is very likely the case.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2017): Not much of a friend would bring this up, even if true. It would appear that you were a voyeur too, but not to the extent of others at this party. Ignore his comments and try very hard NOT to bring this up to your love. If this was indeed her, she may have been under the influence of either alcohol or drugs or both at the time of the incident. She may have severe buyers remorse and would not like to have this brought up. For your sake, your spouses sake, ignore the "friend" and delete HIM from your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (12 February 2017):
'I went through life thinking I had to take responsibility for everything I ever did! I refrained from doing things that were stupid risks or might come back to haunt me'
That's great for you male anon, but expecting everyone in the world to have never made a mistake or done something they regret is pretty unrealistic in my experience. Of course I'm not saying people can't have their dealbreakers, but I also believe in picking my battles and trying to show compassion and understanding towards others as much as I can.
So many people look at situations such as this as black and white, eg 'promiscuity/a wild sexual past = bad'. And that's fine I guess, but it's also a very unforgiving way of thinking too. Do you believe that an indiscretion such as that is beyond redemption? That such people are never allowed to move forward from the mistakes they made? Should everyone in the world have to announce their most shameful secrets to everyone they meet forever more to avoid being accused of lying or deception? Even if those mistakes are years or even decades old and bear no similarity to the person they have grown into today?
I have no sexual regrets of my own, but when I was 18 I did kiss another boy once despite having a boyfriend at the time. I felt TERRIBLE about it and immediately confessed and ended my original relationship as well as cutting ties with the new boy too. I've never done anything like that ever again and I know I never will. Yet by some peoples reasoning, that one incident should prove that I will always be a cheater and I should feel morally obligated to tell every partner about it going forward.
Granted that is a much more tame version of what the OP is suggesting his wife did, but where does it end? Must we all behave perfectly or be forever judged? If so, where is the incentive to change? If we are to be constantly punished for our pasts, why bother trying to become a better person? We will never get the credit for it so what's the point?
The point I'm trying to make is this - people are not perfect. Subjectively, there are better and worse 'crimes' yet everyone will be guilty of something and I don't think they should automatically be defined by those 'crimes' for life. I personally believe that if the OP has been with his wife for such a long time, that he already knows her character. Why does one bad thing automatically override all of the good points in some people's eyes? That is, if this is even true (which I still doubt, although the OP seems hellbent on shooting down any suggestion it might be a lie for some reason - very strange IMO).
So male anon, if your belief system states that all people must be held accountable for their mistakes forever more, then that's totally your call. But I'd warn you that you're likely to be in for a lifetime of disappointment. Even people (with the exception of those who committed very bad crimes) who have been to prison are eventually permitted to leave that off job applications as by law they have completed the appropriate punishment, so why is it different for anyone else?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2017): I sure wish everyone had been more honest with me when I was a teenager. I went through life thinking I had to take responsibility for everything I ever did! I refrained from doing things that were stupid risks or might come back to haunt me.
Why doesn't anyone tell kids the truth? A few years later they can just play the "youthful indescretions" or "I was drunk" or "didn't you ever do anything you regret?" cards.
Nobody seems to care that this effectively punishes every kid who tried to live responsibly. After all those weren't the cool kids.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2017): Thanks to everyone for the replies I have read all of them. Answers to some of the questions, the guy is not one of my best friend's he is someone that I hung out with some in school I've only seen him a few times since getting out of school. This was the first time that he has been around my wife other than in passing since we have been married. As far as recognizing if it was my wife's face the view was mostly from behind and her face was in the dudes croch giving him oral, the birthmark would have been fixable I didn't look like long enough to notice. The town that we are from is not a small community it is a town of over 100,000 she and I went to different high schools. We also live 90 miles from our home town but all of our families still live there and we visit regularly. My wife and I do not use any social media and have a different circle of friends now than we had in school. I am hesitant to talk to her about it because I'm afraid of how my feelings will change twords her if it is true I don't know if I will look at her in the same light again. How should I approach talking to her?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): If I witness a scene like that it will be printed in my mind for ever especially the picture of the girl's face, therefore stop doubting your wife that chick wasnt her because you would have remembered her the minute you saw her.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (10 February 2017):
 Are you seriously saying you'd be willing to throw away your whole life based on this guys memory?
Who even cares? Everyone has a past and this was before you were even with her so what right do you have to judge her for it? Youve probably done things in your lifetime that would make you less desirable to her.
She's your wife and the mother of your children. You obviously love her very much or else you wouldnt have made it this far.
You need to suck it up unless you want to ruin your whole life.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): I think you need to ask yourself if it's worth throwing away your marriage for the possibility that your wife engaged in a youthful indiscretion? It's quite possible that the woman engaged in the threesome was extremely drunk.
If I were you, I would let the past go and perhaps talk to your wife about her current feelings on threesomes and such things so as to make sure you are on the same page.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): Sir, one of the worst things that could happen in a criminal-investigation is having a witness identify someone too long after the fact.
Witnesses are sometimes excluded from testimony, due to the passing of time. Your vague memory can actually put together scenarios and mismatch the facts. Even by suggestion, you can create a memory in someone's mind; just by producing or juggling vague snippets of their memory. It's a cheap lawyer's trick.
My domestic-partner was an excellent attorney. He explained this kind of stuff to me. That's how they create a shadow of doubt to manipulate the jury! You can't incriminate someone without solid evidence. Memory is not enough!
Whether it was your wife or not, that guy was a total jerk for even bringing-up such a thing. He is a total f*ck-wad, and his intention is to slander or defame your wife; and to make a fool of you. I couldn't imagine the motivation behind such debauchery! Jealousy maybe? Vindictiveness?!!
Although I don't advocate violence, he would have deserved a punch in the mouth!
How can you rely on memory in college-party situations with all the drinking and drug-use?
You can't distinguish what happened in a dream (or a lie), a drug-induced hallucination, from what happened in reality.
Don't you dare confront your wife about that! True or untrue. She is the mother of your children, and she has been your devoted wife for five years. Do you really want to taint her past based on some assh*le's unsavory, if not totally bogus, recall? That was "allegedly" then, this is now!
Why do people hang-on to or believe the worst they hear about you, longer than something good? Singes my whiskers!!!
That guy was the devil, and he planted a nasty seed!
Please don't do this to her, sir! Please, don't!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2017): I agree with everyone that it may well not have been your wife. Just ask her and see what her reaction is. If it was, you have a tough decision ahead of you.I fully understand why you morally object to public sex and threesomes. It would be very hard to trust and respect your wife if she has behaved in a way that is completely contrary to your morals.However, you have kids and a family. Presumably she has never given you any other reason not to trust her, and has been faithful throughout your marriage. This is not going to be easy, but I think you should at least see if you can get past this incident through counselling. Sometimes someone does something really dumb and out of character and never revisits that time in their life. Let's hope that that is what it was, and that she is truly a different person now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (10 February 2017):
 I am with jls022 .... small communities DO know everything saucy almost before those incidents happen, there was an incident in my small town some 45 years ago and people still ask me about it, getting all the details wrong even if some small parts of their story holds kernels of truth.
If that was your wife and you all moved in more or less the same circles it seems highly doubtful somebody didn't raise the possibility sometime before this. Its the nasty sort of story some busybody would have felt compelled to tell your mother a few days before your wedding, or snickered about over a few beers with your best mates ....
I would be seriously questioning your friend's motives, his behaviour here has, as somebody already said, been that of a "shit" and ungentlemanly.
If you do not want to lose the life you currently have and/or your wife and children I suggest you approach your wife for clarification very, very carefully.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (9 February 2017):
First thing you do is talk to your wife about this. Make sure it was actually her. Honestly though if you had boundaries when it came to sexual pasts then it should have been spoken about before you both got married and had children. Surely you want to go in to a marriage eyes wide open. I know if I had a threesome in my past in front off a crowd it would be something I would say before entering a marriage. Things like this need to be spoke about. Talk to her now and try and solve it.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (9 February 2017):
I understand this must be upsetting OP, but I'm not sure you need to get too worried quite yet. I find it really hard to believe any woman who had a threesome in front of a large crowd at a party full of people she's still friends with would manage to keep it from her husband (or anyone else) for so long.
In my town, the rumour mill starts up if people suspect two consenting adults of hooking up in the privacy of their own homes, never mind engage in a public threesome. Granted, maybe I'm a lot more sheltered than I realised, but that is rather risqué behaviour by most peoples standards and due to the double sexual standards which are still prevalent in our society, I believe any woman who publicly engaged in such an act would become NOTORIOUS amongst the group of friends she associated with.
SO MANY people would have heard about it and/or recognised her that I think it's almost impossible that you wouldn't have heard about it. Hell I think she'd have been dealing with the fallout for years herself - something which would be difficult to keep from you. As an example, I once went on a date with a man and during the date found out he was married (a friend of his wife randomly spotted us and confronted him while we were eating) so needless to say I cut the date short and never saw him again. Yet I've been asked numerous times about 'the time I was caught dating a married man' by people who have heard only half of the story. This was raised in front of my ex and even my Mum once.
Of course I may be wrong, but I honestly think there's a high chance your friend has got it wrong. Whether that's deliberate or an innocent mistake isn't clear, but I'd honestly try to stay calm until you know more. And if it does turn out to be true, of course it's up to you to decide what you want to do, but I personally think it would be a shame to ruin a marriage and a family over something that happened so long ago and has had no negative impact on your marriage up until now.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): Thanks for all of the replies I have read all of them. The birthmark is very unique and noticable she has people regularly try to wipe it off or tell her she has something on her leg it does not look like a normal birthmark. The guy is not a friend that I see often we did hang out some in school but have only seen hem a couple times since I've been married, this is the only time that he has been around her since we have been married and she was wearing a bikini so you could plainly see her birthmark. I too think it was a crappy thing on his part to tell me this, I really wish that he would have kept it to himself. I have never had jelousey issues but I àm very torn about whether or not I should ask her about this I'm scared to death that it is true. I do love her and my kids and don't plan on divorcing over this however if true I'm really scared of how my feelings tword her will be if she tells me it was her. What is the best way to approach her about this?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): Everyone past a past? Everyone has some regrets?
The average lifetime number of sex partners in the USA is somewhere between about 3 and 9. This includes husbands/wives too. (You can find lots of different numbers for this but there IS a consistent ballpark. The number is never 1 or 2. It's never 12 or 15.)
Most people do not have a very promiscuous lifetime. Most people do not have a 'phase' in college where they sleep with a whole string of people casually. This is NOT normal behavior that everyone should just expect to find in their partner's past.
We cannot hope deal with problems in healthy ways if we won't even be honest with ourselves about such basic facts.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (9 February 2017):
 Almost all of us has a past. Most of us have done things that we wish we hadn't. Its life and we grow and learn from it if we are lucky. Some people are very promiscuous when they are young, some aren't. Its all about what you want to do and don't do and what your morals are at that time. I thought I had a very vanilla past and was sheltered until I met my now husband. His past makes him look like an angel and me a devil and trust me, I didn't do ANYTHING weird or kinky. I felt ashamed after realizing how very "untouched" he was. We touched a little on our pasts and he told me that it didn't matter and that he loved me and what we had was the present and the future. That was over 15 years ago and we are very happy together.
If your wife has been a good partner, a loving wife and mother...do you really want to go digging around in something that is in the past? Has she given you reason to believe she has been unfaithful/lied? If not, I'd be very careful about dwelling too deeply on this subject especially since you have no proof and are basing your thoughts on the remarks of a "friend". What kind of friend is he??? I immediately think of "with friends like this you don't need enemies". WHY oh WHY is he bringing up something like this 5 years later and 2 children later? What is he going for? You really should be questioning his motives. It just suddenly popped into his memory??? Uh..I wouldn't think so. He's not your friend or he would have brought this up when you first started dating your now wife. IF...and I mean IF...its even her. Again, I caution you to think logically and calmly and don't go passing judgment and bringing out the lynching mob on your wife. Your "friend" could be wrong..or sees you happy and wants to break up your marriage. Think about it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (9 February 2017):
You need to discuss this with your wife maybe it was not her. If it was then you need to get into counseling, either individual or couples to try and get past it and hopefully save your marriage. You have two young children and you don't want to destroy their lives over this.
As I said have you the talk with your wife. Try to be calm and clear and have an idea in your mind what you want out of this.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): I find it totally plausible that the OP didn't already remember it was her. And I find it plausible that his friend just told him. If I was the OP I would want to be told. There are few things more humiliating for a man than finding out your friends know something like this about your wife and you don't. Men don't like staying ignorant of these things just because the truth hurts.
To the OP, you need to talk to your wife and confirm it was her before you get any crazier with this. The 'better off not knowing' attitude won't help you now. You already suspect it enough to do all the same damage as knowing.
You said,
"I have never questioned her past but this is hurting me, I absolutely would not have married her had I known she had done this sort of thing."
"I was not a virgin when we met but have never done anything like this and never will, I think it is disgusting and shows complete lack of self respect and morals what should I do?"
These feelings are important because they cut to the core of what makes this such a problem for you TODAY. This has changed your view of what kind of person your wife is and what is is capable of. You already tried to leave the past in the past. But her dubious past (that was in public, in front of your friends) has come back to whack you in the face. You did not learn about this by snooping through an old diary in her closet.
Any time a woman's sexual past comes up some people giving advice are liable to crap on you. Don't buy it. Before taking anyone's advice about this mess, ask yourself if they sound interested in helping you. Some people will just blindly defend your wife and blame you for your feelings, as if you went out and created the problem here just to punish her. Remember that is not what happened. You never expected her to be a virgin, you just thought her past actions were in the normal & respectable range.
...............................
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (9 February 2017):
 Everyone has sexual boundaries, those which they will never do and those which they expect that others won't do them. So is with you, and it is understandable that you have that criteria. Sure, everyone has a past, but that does not mean that everyone is required to accepted everyone's past.
Therefore, hollering at you that everyone has a past and that you must accept it is like forcing a giraffe to accept it's an elephant just because they are both of same ancestry.
So, you don't have to accept her past - provided it is the truth. However, I am not so convinced that you have sufficient proof about what your friend is telling you. A birthmark on the foot might be a coincidental indicator.
I am however not dismissing what your friend is saying. He maybe correct, so you should go and investigate more about this... see who else knows of this, find those 2 dudes that were doing that woman if you can and hear what they say, look into it. In other words, look though all possible sources to corroborate or dismiss this claim, and only after you've exhausted those, go to your wife and discuss.
While you are doing that, I think you will hope it isn't true but you should confront your own self in case it the truth, and figure out what you will do about it. If true, is it sufficient for you to get a divorce? Will you be able to cope with that? If you could cope with it, will your marriage change any? Think through the sequence of possible outcomes that such revelation would cause you, and prepare yourself to act on it in case it is true.
While I personally hope this isn't true, it is also clear that denying that it matters will not bring peace to you. In fact, not getting to the bottom of it could irreversibly impact your marriage. So unlike others, I am urging you to go and find out about it and put the end to this allegation, one way or another.
...............................
A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (9 February 2017):
 Talk to her! Only she can clarify if its true or not and if that person was indeed her and only she can explain her actions. She is your wife, she deserves love and compassion and also I'm sure she wants to hear your side of things and youre feelingsI think you're dismissing her other traits. I'm assuming she must have been someone you love/admire/cherish since you chosed her as your wife. But you didnt list any of that. You knew her for a longer time than anyone, talk to her. Thats what marriage is all about. Whether youre hurt or not, she is your wife and she deserves hear the truth. If she did behave that way, ask her to explain. Find solace in the truth and in your partner's integrity. If she hides it, trust your gut and do what you think is best but dont throw away 5 year of marriage on a assumption. Clarify things first. Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (9 February 2017):
Given your friends apparent close observation of the girl - close enough to pick out a birth mark - it would seem that he would have placed even more focus on her face. It shouldn't take a birth mark to identify her. And I can't imagine a friend telling you this. It's more like he did it to get your goat or throw a monkey wrench into your relationship. I don't know what's going on between you and your friend, but he is the one I would be questioning.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): I totally agree with everyone that this guy is a shit stirrer and not a friend.He sounds extremely jealous of your marriage and your beautiful children and he has found a way to work on you.The girl at the party may have been drugged up to start with and your less than honorable friend gave himself a front row seat to revel in the activity.Thus he noticed all things.Meanwhile you doubt yourself.Ringside creep has wheedled himself into pole position in your life.This piece of lowlife has tried to take advvantage of you by waiting until he could actually scrutinize your wifes body to then come up with his insidious suggestion.I would avoid the creep at all costs.If necessary move away so that he doesnt spread insidious rumours further or just remedy any future comments with a short sharp right hook and you may find the ringside cheering for you.It makes you wonder how many other relationships the creep has tried to destroy!This person has no respect for your familiy at all and his overriding jealousy and negative energy must make him a tedious person to those who know him well.Even if this did happen years ago he is totally in the wrong and not a friend to keep.I would dismiss him and his rumours and enjoy the rest of your life with your wife.Maybe talk with the wife and ask if it ever happened and hear her out.Dont judge her character on what is clearly a set up and a jealous man.And love your wife for who she is now, not an evening when a girl with something slipped in her drink got taken advantage of by two unscrupulous men or boys with a cheering group of gatherers too gutless to prevent it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 February 2017):
 So you're basing your doubts entirely on what your friend thinks? As Denizen says, not only could he be horribly mistaken, but he's also not a gentleman to tell you all this. I also think he's up to no good because it sounds too far-fetched with too many variables and only this dubious friend to bank upon. How on earth does he remember that there was a birthmark on the girl's leg in that very spot and why is he looking at your wife's leg now and even if it's true, why is he telling you this? He knows the consequences and yet he has no qualms!
Something is definitely not right here and you should look at this logically rather than letting this guy dictate your emotions. Has your wife given you any reason to doubt her since you've been married? Is she a good wife and a good mother? If yes, then please let go of all this, stop listening to this friend of yours who's set to break your marriage and don't go around sniffing at the past. While this incident may or may not be true, no one has a blemish-free past and how much of it is acceptable to a partner is purely subjective. Don't open the Pandora's box. And I can't state this enough... Stay away from this friend of yours.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 February 2017):
 I'm with Denizen.
What kind of friend bring that up? I could understand if you were still dating but after 5 years of marriage and 2 kids? I call bullshit.
And he saw a birthmark OH SO DISTINCTIVE that he recalls it 5+ years later? Bullshit again.
I would question why he brings it up. And why now. Seriously.
And since you have doubts I'd tell your wife about that party and that episode but leave off the "he thinks it's you". See what she says before you condemn her on such vague "evidence".
...............................
A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (9 February 2017):
 I think you need to think carefully about your next step. If you confront her with your friend's 'theory' (which may or may not be true) and she admits it was her, what next? Are you going to accept her youthful indiscretion or not? Give yourself time to work out how you want to deal with it, but remember this took place (if it did take place) before you were together, when she was free to act as she saw fit. Just be careful!
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (9 February 2017):
 We all have a past, but it is just that. If you love your wife then focus on all the love she gives you - and your family.
And as for your, "best friend", what a shit he is. Not only could he be mistaken, but it is the sort of suspicion a gentleman and a friend keeps to himself.
Telling you served no purpose except to cause you hurt and upset. I would definitely leave him off your Christmas card list.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): To be honest it seems to me that there is a mistaken identity here.I dont think she is the same girl because you would have remembered and recognized her immediately when you met your wife. You should talk to your wife to clear the matter if you have any doubts.
...............................
|
