A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, ok, i am in france with my husband for the last three months, he is french, anyhow, for the last three months i have not been working as i am trying to learn the language. However cant get work as you need fluent french for any type of job. I have no friends here, nothing to do, no job, i am in the apartment every day. My husband worries about me, we go out with his friends and they speak nothing but French and one night we were out my husband told me i was weird, i got upset and cried in the bathroom and called my family at home in England. My husband is having a family get together next weekend, speaking nothing but French and i am dreading it to be honest!! Anyway i called home (UK) last night and my mum just because there was someone visiting she did not talk to me, nobody calls me from home, i have to do all the contacting, its just that sometimes i think no one cares enough. I am feeling lonely and dont know what to do. I forgot to mention i moved to France to save our marriage, as we met and got married in the UK. What to do, should i return home or any suggestions? my husband knows i am not really happy here. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (15 April 2008):
 In general, the French don't want you to speak anything but French. And they don't like it if you have an accent of have trouble speaking; many expect you to be perfectly fluent in French. So, the usual advice about how to get by in a foreign country does not work that well. In other countries, people will try to make themselves understood and to understand you despite the language problems. I understand this is not so true in France.
You, poster, are isolated from the rest of the people and obviously feeling very lonely. This language problem won't improve quickly, and that must be a very difficult thing to manage.
Also, we all feel homesick when we move to live somewhere else.
Perhaps if you could find one of those "full immersion" programs, where you have to stay all day, all week, learning a foreign language, you could feel less lonely and would begin to learn French.
And then this isolation comes when you are already having problems with your husband. I wonder what effect it will have on your relationship. You say you moved to France to save what you had. I wonder if your husband demanded that you go there. It seems he did.
How is he working out the problems with the relationship? Is there any advance there? If there is, then the problem with French will lose importance over time.
I am more worried about the status of your relationship than about the language.
Also, don't feel bad if people in England don't call you that often. It's just that you're feeling lonely and they don't know. If you let them know, they will call you a little more.
Why don't you join Dear Cupid as an aunt? You don't even have to post answers. Analyzing other people's problems with an emotional detachment will help you analyze your own problem. In the process, you might help a person or two. And you will also be communicating in English.
Take care.
A
female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (15 April 2008):
 How did you meet your husband? Why was he in the UK and for how long? How long were you married before he moved back to France and was this a joint decision or his decision? Did you go with him right away, or was there a period of separation?
I agree quite a bit with Namatjira. I think she hits on several good points. You definately need to honestly discuss this language issue with your husband and get his full support. Without that you are sunk. And I also agree that your family probably does not approve.
That said, I will add this. You need to not feel so isolated. You need some friends and some things to do other than stay in the apartment all day. Sign up for a French class at a college, community center or library. Then you will meet others who do not speak French as a first language and most assuradly some of those people will speak English. Then you can get together with these people to practice your French, and also to sometimes just relax by speaking English! There may be an organization that can hook you up with other transplants from UK. Try calling the consolate or embassy to see if they can help you. Or look on the internet, something may be listed. I have some friends here in the US that moved here from Japan. They were able to find all sorts of other families that have also moved here from Japan, so they do not feel so alone.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (15 April 2008):
Hi,
First - do you still want to save your marriage or are you looking for some support for giving up?
I do not mean to be harsh, but you must really understand within yourself what the real motivations are. It is less important for us but critical for you.
Assuming that you still really want to save your marriage, you do need to consider the reasons why it was at risk in the first place. Have any of those circumstances changed? Have you noticed some improvements that show you are making some headway? Do some personal analysis and soul searching and you may find some small things you can do now which will have a bigger benefit in your goal.
Now dealing with this family gathering of his. You really need to sit down with him and talk about it. He has the responsibility to assist you to integrate in his country and culture if you are really making an effort and he should realise this. Ask him to talk with his family members and suggest to them that they assist you by helping out with some English and also with guiding you to finding the correct French word as you continue to make your effort to speak French with them. In turn you will do your best to use as much French as possible and will ask for what the French word is for different things.
You will be surprised at how much this simple thing can change your current sense of isolation.
As for you own family, I suspect they do not approve of your choices in this and that is perhaps why you have not been getting the emotional support from them. Maybe also they just do not know how to help - so write to them. An old fashioned letter is a wonderful thing. You can revise what you say as often as you like until you get it right, then send it. With instant phone calls and quick emails it is easy to make a slip of the tongue or leave some detail out that results in hurt or offence. So send a letter to them and tell them what support from them will help you to adjust.
Finally, get a penfriend or two. Someone that perhaps you are not likely to meet but whom you can write to regularly (email perhaps) and who you can tell how you feel to and who can support you and just help you to feel that you are not alone.
I wish you all the best and am sure that if you cannot find suitable penfriends elsewhere that some of the Aunts or Uncles on this site might be happy to support you in this way. Just message them and ask.
Take care.
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