A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,I have a serious attitude problem. I have had one all of my life I think?....Atleast I've been this way to my mom and my brother for as far back as I can remember. My mom always tells me, you'll be lucky if someone actualyl stays with you, cause its so bad sometimes ( I guess?!) I mean I do notice it sometimes, but ALOT of the time I don't even realize I am giving certain tones and pitches in my voice. I have been in this relationship with my current gf for over a year now and I love her more than anything. We have been through alot...surviving a dreadful long distance relationship. But we worked through all of the hard times. And love each other very much.I made the move to be with her, I moved away from my family and moved in with hers. When I was at home I found my brother to be constantly picking up after me (even with my crappy attitude). Now that I am living with her family I find myself to be picking things up after her brother! And I find myself to be the only one cleaning the house, and doing me and my gf's laundry. I dont knwo if this is why I am giving her attitude now. But she has brought it up and mentioned that we are not the way we used to be. I also mention to her that what we were before was becuase we didn't have any responsibilities, now we do so obviously things are different. But my attitude and pitchiness in my tone is bothering her, and I cant seem to stop myself from doing it. I don't even realize when I do do it. I get frustrated with her not doing as much as I do around the house. And no one speaking up to her brother (cause he does nothing). So I guess my question is how do I stop the attitude? How do I stop the pitchiness in my voice? I don't know if I should seek professional help (I dont really want to pay for it). So any help would be great.Thanks
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (29 August 2007):
 Hi there anonymous,
Dude, if I was given the task of cleaning up after a house full of people I'd probably have an attitude, too. lol
But seriously... Do you have a job or earn income any other way (selling things on eBay, etc.)? If so, do you contribute any money to food or any other necessary items that you use while in their house? I'm wondering if maybe the family you live with don't think that this should be the form of payment you give them. If that's all they ask from you for living there and using all of their stuff, I'd do my best not to give attitude! ^_^
Okay - so how do you get rid of the attitude? I would honestly do my hardest not to say anything until I thought of what exactly I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. In short - think before you speak! For example, if you pick up the brother's dishes and he just sits there and looks at you - DON'T say something like "Yeah, *I'm* not doing anything, so I'll just take *your* dirty dishes away so they don't attract bugs and smell up the place. You're welcome, Mr. Clean." (I'm not sure how much attitude you give, so I just tried to make it sound extra snotty without being cruel. That's sorta how I imagined you speaking to people.) Instead, say something like "How about if I get those dishes for you?" It's opening up a dialogue and is probably one of the least confrontational things you can say. Plus, you'll get acknowledged, which seems important to you. But if you think you do more than your fair share of things around the house, then the easiest way not to get into anything would be to leave the dishes alone. Don't clean up after the brother.
About your girlfriend - have you two discussed splitting and/or alternating the chores? For example, you do laundry today then she does it the next time and so forth. Or if one person cooks everynight, then the rest clean up the dishes.
I think if there was some schedule put in place, then it would alleviate a lot of the stress. The result would be that you'd be wanting to give less attitude and it would cause less stress your relationship - not just with your girlfriend, but with the whole family. You don't want to be known as the jerky boyfriend, right?
So getting rid of the attitude in general... I would learn to pick your battles, as the old saying goes. Is putting up a fuss about dusting worth the potential arguments that could follow? Probably not. Especially if you don't pay to live there. Instead, try to think of it like this: your girlfriend's family took you in. That's a big deal! Perhaps they think that you're going to be one of the family one day. Then you might want to start doing things that people who care about each other do. Give a hand just because you want to, with no real reason.
If all else fails, you could mention to your girlfriend that you'd like to talk with her about the responsibilities you think you should contribute to the household. Maybe even the whole family can have a talk about it - just to iron out all of the details. (In my opinion, this should have been done on the first day that you decided you might move in.)
But also think about what your attitude means to your relationship. Do you think that your girlfriend will want to stay with someone who acts like an ass to her? Instead of mouthing off, *talk* with her. Say something along the lines of "I'd like to talk about the chores. I feel like I'm doing the laundry for you a lot recently, but you might feel like you're doing something else a lot for me. If we talk about things like this then maybe we can resolve some of the situations that are stressing us out. I think it would be good for us and our relationship if we learned how to work as a team." (Of course, you'd make it sound more personable that that, I'd hope!) But the point is that a conversation like this lays out how you feel, opens a dialogue between the both of you (instead of an argument) and the results could save you from fighting. You might want to do the same sort of thing with the parents.
Hope this helps. Take care.
A
female
reader, jazzie1 +, writes (29 August 2007):
It sounds like your probably getting pissed off because you feel your doing everything in the house. That's normal. First of all the stuff youi need to be picking up is your's and your girlfriend..no one else. If that doesn't work out then you need to speak to her brother and let him know how your feeling. If he or the family doesn't understand then it's about that time when you pack up and leave with your girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): yes I have told her how I felt about the whoel situation. She promises to work on herself and I promised I would work on myself. And I don't think I have an anger problem, its an attitude problem. I don't think anger management would help, because its not that I get angry, I just give attitude.
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A
female
reader, chrissy32789 +, writes (29 August 2007):
 hey hun, it sounds like you really need to get some help for your attitude problem. They will probly put you in anger mangement, and put you on some pills. you say you dont want to pay for it but if you love this girl and want to be with her then you should befor you lose her. and about always cleaning have you told her how you felt about always having to pick up after everyone?
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