A
female
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anonymous
writes:How do you re-program yourself to trust someone you love? I am seeing a wonderful guy but I have never trusted men easily. I've had a few knocks it's true, but my trust issues do not seem to be based entirely on past experiences or my childhood. I just get these "gut" feelings sometimes about situations, or people and my b/f swears they are not true, but I can't get them out of my head. I've always trusted my gut, how could it be so completely wrong all of a sudden? Could it really be my imagination, paranoia, or insecurity that's driving me to feel this way? He seems like a great guy most of the time and we have a good relationship, but every now and then, things happen that just don't add up. He can't always be reached by phone when he's out of town, especially at night but he usually gives me a logical explanation when I ask about it later. When he's at work, he does go out in the field with the same female co-worker but swears it's just part of the job. They are usually gone for hours and out of cell phone range. This morning he didn't bother to put on his underwear when he left for the trip. I hate to be paranoid, but I picture her giving him a blow-job while they are out in the middle of nowhere all alone, doing their so-called field work. He gets text messages that he won't open in front of me, voice mails he shuts off. Yet I think, when would he ever have time to cheat? He really is always at home with me every time, except for when he works and I know he has a busy job, I can't imagine how he'd fit in some sort of office fling but I can't get it out of my head either. He is generally loving and faithful towards me. But there's been alot of "private caller" on the caller ID and hang-up voicemail messages on the machine at night when we get home. Could they all be telemarketing? I'd hate to think I've become one of those paranoid women, but I really have alot of weird suspicions that don't ever seem to go away completely and yet, there's nothing concrete here either, so I can't keep asking him about it and driving him nuts if it's really nothing. I've considered just bagging the relationship because I'm not used to being with a man who works around females (my ex had a different kind of job and I never had to worry) but we have so many good things going for us and I'd hate to blow it all away because of my gut feelings. I just don't know how to get them to go away. Any advise?[Moderator note to "answer" posters: Also see http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-be-concerned-about-my-guy-and.html ]
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): I said follow your gut's feelings. You know women devellop instinctive behaviors towards there male partner as well as with there children. It won't hurt to do a little of spying for a while. Try not to be suspicious. Then, you know if nothing is really happening you could sleep quietlly, but if it does your life will change completely.About the time, man always find time to cheat. My bf is working 120 hours per weeks, but he still found time to open up a dating profile online, looking for new female friends. So, time, place, oportunities, are always there when it comes for a male to cheat. It is like if they were program to cheat. I have not met one single guy that had not cheat or try to cheat. Good Luck
A
female
reader, jazzie1  +, writes (29 August 2007):
I truly understand where your coming from but you should always follow your gut feelings. There is no excuse on all those hangups and text messages. If theres nothing to hide then he should feel free to check the messages in front of you. Leaving home without any underwear, what's up with that? The female worker, that would drive me nuts also..Honestly, if he has given you reasons to doubt him then follow your heart..you asked the question how does he have time to cheat..the best and easiest place for anyone to cheat is in the workplace..the reason I say this cuz I've been in a similar situation. You should have access to his passwords and emails, etc..you are his girlfriend, correct..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): I agree you should trust your instinct. If you have a feeling or like you say something doesn't add up, investigate. Don't just brush it off. And don't have so little faith in yourself. What if you are not being paranoid? Stop telling yourself that you are.
I agree too that you don't want to start making this a big issue and come off as annoying. But first of all, don't tell your partner that you have a history of trust issues. That's a big mistake. Unless you really know and trust someone really well (which you already say you are not sure you do), you shouldn't point out weaknesses that you have like that, especially if they could pertain to him. Because he may use it against you in the future. Like if he is having an affair, he could use the fact that you have trust issues as leverage for him to convince you that you are "crazy" or paranoid.
Weaknesses are ONLY for people that you TRUST COMPLETELY to know.
Anyways, if I were you I would just start asking more questions. "who just text you?" "why aren't you wearing any underwear?" Please do try to find out what is going on so that you can lay your insecurities to rest.
A little jealousy is not a bad thing. If he really loves you and is really not doing anything wrong he should not have a problem with a little jealousy on your part. Sometimes men even find it charming cause it makes them feel like you do love them.
But if he gets defensive or starts saying that you are crazy or paranoid, then I would be VERY suspicious.
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A
female
reader, i might be a girl but i can help  +, writes (29 August 2007):
 ihave always had a gut feeling that something wasn't right about a guy but he seems nice and looks after me, but then its over or he cheats, and than i remember my gut and then i should of listened to it. oh im saying is listen to it if it has never let you down before why should it now. talk to him ask if you can meet his co-worker if you meet her you can get a gut feeling about her and than maybe the worries will go away. good luck
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