A
female
age
41-50,
*assina
writes:A couple of months ago, an ex-boyfriend from 10 years ago emailed me from out of the blue to say hi. He was the sweetest guy that I have ever dated, but I was very immature at that time. I may have broken his heart as I was his first girlfriend. So, after meeting up for coffee a few times, he is just as sweet and we get along just as well, if not better, than 10 years ago.We are both single. The problem is, he is extremely hot and cold. When we are together, it's so comfortable and we can talk and laugh until we are both in tears. He even still has all the gifts that I gave him before. But sometimes, he doesn't calls or emails for weeks, especially the period immediately after whenever we meet (FOR COFFEE!!) I have a huge crush on him now. Should i just tell him how I feel? Do you think he just wants to be friends (which is fine)? or is he scared that I will break his heart again?
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (3 March 2008):
 How does one say sorry without bringing up any unpleasant memories of the past?
Actions speaks louder than words.
Be extra nice to him and he will know that you are sorry even if you did not say those apologetic words.
Do not mention it unless he brings up the past.Then just apologize and move on.
A
female
reader, massina +, writes (2 March 2008):
massina is verified as being by the original poster of the question really?? do guys really keep grudges and serve revenges when it's well cold??how does one say sorry without bringing up any unpleasant memories of the past?i failed to mentioned that we don't live in the same area. i'm heading out to his area soon, but will probably not tell him this time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): Hate to say this, but it might be revenge. If a girl had broken my heart when I was young and I could get revenge by getting her to fall for me and beg for me to love her again, oh boy.
I would certainly NOT be willing to give that girl a second chance just out of the blue. But that is just me, I am a bitter old man.
Have you talking about whatever happened in the past? If you really did break his heart, do you know for certain that he has overcome it? And if you didn't break his heart, well the obviously he didn't care about you that much then, so why should he do so now.
If he still cares for you but you have failed to address whatever happened in the past he may very well still be in doubt about if he can trust you this time.
Make sure that both of you agree that the past is in the past if you want to go forward, don't be fooled by him seeminly being okay with it, make sure.
Men may seem callous at times and not have any emotions but we do and being betrayed hurts, and hurts a long time. He may very well not be over it yet. It would explain his behavious perfectly, HOT because he still loves you, COLD because he doesn't trust you.
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A
female
reader, massina +, writes (26 February 2008):
massina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthat's true also. no one considers it's a handsome idea to get back with an ex. an ex is an ex for a reason, even if it was a long time ago. but i simply can't remember what those reasons are.
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A
female
reader, jenna34 +, writes (25 February 2008):
Men don't disappear for weeks when they are trying to catch you. They pull away once they are in a relationship with you because intimacy sometimes overwhelms them. Hot and cold is not the best sign starting out. It's been 10 yrs and the past is the past. Find someone who makes plans with you in advance, that calls consistently, and that expresses an interest in dating you (that means dinner, movies, drinks, etc). Coffee and emails are not dates.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. It's a good way to understand the male intimacy cycle. It involves getting close, pulling away then getting close again. Most women are surprised to realise that even when a man loves a woman, periodiclly he needs to pull away before he can get closer. Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away, it is not a decision or a choice, it just happens. It's neither his fault or her fault, it just happens.
Women misinterpret a man's pulling away because generally a woman pulls away for different reasons. She pulls back when she doesn't trust him to understand her feelings, when she has been hurt and is afraid of being hurt again, or when he has done something wrong and disappointed her.
Certainly a man may pull away for the same reasons but he will also pull away even if she has done nothing wrong. He may love and trust her and then suddenly he begins to pull away. Like a stretched rubber band, he will distance himself and then come back all on his own.
A man pulls away fo fulfil his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. When he has fully seperated, then suddenly he will feel his need for love and intimacy again. Automatically he will be more motivated to give his love and receive the love he needs. When a man springs back, he picks up the relationship at whatever degree of intimacy it was when he stretched away. He doesn't feel any need for a period of getting reaquainted again.
Have a read of John Gray's book "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. It talks about this very thing and gives you a lot of tips on how to understand the opposite sex better.
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, massina +, writes (19 February 2008):
massina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you soooo much!The thing is, my heart sinks when I think about him. I wanted to call him so badly, especially on Valentine's Day. (Thank goodness I didn't. That surely would have freaked him out, huh?)I guess you guys are right. There really will be no positives to me making the "first move." If he likes me, I'd just scare him away. If he doesn't like me, I'd be making a fool of myself and then we wouldn't even be able to be friends.Eve, will you please explain this rubber band theory?? that's so brilliant!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): It certainly sounds as if he still has feelings for you. He also sounds terrified that you will let him down again. You have implied that you did wrong at some stage in your, very long relationship. It is natural he is trying to protect himself and gain some control over what is happening now.
All you can do is be honest, apologise or address his concerns with love and acknowledge that you have no plan to let him down again and he is safe with you now.
It is rare that I agree with Laura, but in this case, I have to agree with her about letting him take the drivers seat! Be patient and take his lead. xx
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (18 February 2008):
He's definitely interested in you and what he's doing is perfectly normal. Any man who has feelings for a woman will pull away afterwards, just like a rubber band. If there's no pressure put on the band then it will come back again but if pressure is put on it then it will break! He'll be reminiscing about what happened last time you were together and may be fearful of that happening again.
Let him take control and leave him to come back, he will... and keep things light and friendly when he does. If he wants anything deeper he'll soon let you know in his own good time.
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, kellyO +, writes (18 February 2008):
 Hi,
Let it simmer slowly back together.Dont rush it like a gush of wind on a old flame. Remember the saying, be watchful of old flames cos sometimes they blow out really fast. I wouldnt make a move right now. Take the friendship as it comes, if there is anything still there believe me it will surface soon enough.
I can sense so much uncertainties from him already as described in your post. Allow him take the driver seat as Laura advised.
Lots of Luck...Kelly
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (18 February 2008):
If he is interested in you he will come and see you or talk with you more often. During this period , you will have to let him be in the driver's seat.If you take over, and up another gear, you may scare him off....
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