A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently met a guy who is nearing 50. He has a full time job and has worked in the same place for 20 years. The problem? He lives in his mother's garage. He's not an addict, has a job, has a car, his kids are grown and gone. He's been divorced for about 15 years. He used to live in an apartment, then gave it up to move in with a lady for a few years. They broke up, and I thought he'd go back to his apartment, but no, he moved to his mother's garage instead. Is it a big deal if a middle aged guy doesn't have a place of his own? He says he has "a plan" to save money, but...does he? Do you see red flags, or is this not a big deal? What would you think, agony aunts and uncles?
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female
reader, Amiye  +, writes (14 April 2020):
I say give him a chance, he has a job and living in his parents garage gives him more money to save and put towards another place if he wants to move. He has been hurt in the past so I wouldn't blame him for taking it easy for a while and living at home. Get to know him, give him a chance. Time will only tell if he's serious.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 April 2020):
 He's emotionally and financially heavily dependent on women.
This is a big red flag in my book.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2020): Now think about it. Mother has the whole house to herself; while sonny lives in the "garage." Is it a finished-garage apartment with running-water, a flushing toilet, heating, and cooling separate from the house? Is it meant to be an apartment, or is he living among the boxes and old storage, tools, and junk stacked next to his car? I mean basically living in the car, but parked inside for appearances. The neighbors must be wondering what you're wondering.
If the garage is nothing more than a storage shed, and Mother won't let him live in the main-house; because he's a lazy slob that she refuses to clean-up after. That's a big-ole red-flag!
I would say no man that age would settle for practically living in the dog-house. Not even to save money. I think sonny-boy is up to his eyeballs in debt. Maybe he took-out a lot of loans and has a lot of credit card debt; but a man working a full-time job will still want creature-comforts. He may as well camp-out in the yard! My guess is he got kicked-out of his last place of residence; or he would have moved into another apartment. If it was only a matter of the lease running-out; he should have had a reasonable stash to settle into his own place. He's been working at the same place 20 years, and so close to retirement, but has to move back home? If it wasn't entirely for mother's sake...red-flag! He either gambles or pubs it up!
I'm sorry to come across so discouragingly; but there is no feasible reason that he should settle for living in the garage with a whole house sitting right there. Something just isn't right; and I can't see how a man that age would do that, unless times were pretty hard. Maybe he figures the less space he uses the less his mother would expect from him financially. If he was taking care of Mother, why wouldn't she insist he live in the main-house?
Let's just come right-out and say it. This isn't sitting right with you, and you don't know what to make of it. Why wouldn't a man of 50 be financially-stable enough to have an apartment; and be living somewhat comfortably enough to have guests? Is he pressuring you to let him move-in with you?
May I suggest that you decline his request?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2020): I have mixed feelings about this. If you like this guy aside from his living situation, proceed with caution. Wait until you know more about this before making a decision to either begin a relationship with him or walk away. I say this as someone who tends to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I will admit something seems off about this. There are a lot of unanswered questions I’d need clarification on before I feel I could make a proper judgment, though.
Did he move in with his mom to help around the house or otherwise take care of her? Does she have health issues? Is her house really small or cluttered, and she has no spare room? Is that why he’s in the garage? If she does have a spare room, has he given an explanation as to why he chose to live in the garage instead? Does it seem like he tries to avoid going into detail about his situation? If so, that would make me think he has something to hide. You mentioned him saying he has a plan to save money, so has he explained what his plan is? Is he only there for a temporary amount of time until he’s financially independent again? How did he lose his independence if he worked the same job for 20 years? Did the cost of living get too high in his area over the years? Did he travel a lot? Is it not that he can’t afford an apartment but chooses to live with his mom to save money for retirement or some other reason? These are some of the questions I’d want answers to before I’d know how to proceed.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 April 2020):
 I have little idea what living in his mother's garage entails for this man, or the circumstances surrounding his living arrangements, as you do not say anything about either. What I do suspect (based on what little you have written, so apologies if I have got it wrong) is that you were waiting in the wings for him to break up with his ex. Perhaps you were even the catalyst for the break-up? You had it all mapped out, how he would leave her, get an apartment of his own and you would move in together. Now that dream has come crashing down around your ears because he has moved into his mother's garage.
People move back home for any number of reasons. Some do it to help out aged parents. Some do it because they need to feel safe for a while after a break-up, to find their centre before going back out into the scary world. Some do it to save money so they can afford somewhere better to live at a later date. Some do it because it is an "easy option" and doesn't involve them thinking for themselves and having to do things for themselves. Some even do it to escape a new partner's expectations that they will move in together when they are not yet ready for that commitment.
You may or may not have a better idea than us of the real reason this man has moved back to his mother's house. I wouldn't put too much emphasis on the fact he lives in the garage as opposed to the house; perhaps he just wants his own space as it is very difficult to move back in with parents after being used to your own place.
Whether this is a red flag or not depends on his reasons for doing it and what you want and need from this relationship. You are obviously not happy about the arrangement, otherwise you would not have written in. However, as you have only met him "recently", perhaps, instead of focusing on his living arrangements, it might be a better idea to focus on your relationship. If the relationship goes nowhere, his living arrangements are none of your concern. If it looks like the relationship might lead somewhere, you need to have a long honest discussion and see if he is willing to make plans to get a place of his own, or for you to share, at a future date that satisfies you. All I would say is, don't let him string you along indefinitely if you are not happy with the arrangement.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2020): He probably lost his home in the divorce. When he and the other woman he lived with split she may have kept the apartment or maybe they lived in her place and he had to vacate.
I assume when you say he lives in his mother's garage you mean the garage has been converted into an apartment. And why not? it probably works for him and his mother. If it doesn't work for you move on.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2020): Probably he is waiting for her to pass away to claim the house.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 April 2020):
 I too would find it a red flag. It's like he CHOOSES to not really take care of himself.
Living in a garage? So he supposedly eat, bathe, do laundry, cooks (if he cooks) inside the house (or his mother cooks for him, does laundry for him but doesn't WANT him living in the house)?
He is 50, my guess is, his mom thought if she said you can live in the garage, he would move out faster. Because who wants to live in a garage?
He is probably saving a good amount of money not living in an apartment or house, so I GET that, but seriously? Living in a garage? For years?
Is he just waiting to meet another woman to shack up with?
To me is sounds like a man who is 50 and doesn't take fully care of himself. He is looking for someone to live with who will "mother" him, as is, cook and clean.
Doesn't mean he is a bad person, it just sounds off to me.
If his mother, who is at least 70?, needed help or companionship... I think he would be living in a spare-room and mention that he is living with his mother to keep her company or take care of her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2020): It seems he has simplified his life; and now his mother has a live-in handyman, someone to run errands, and doesn't have to give-up her house to live in a retirement home.
I'd be cautious, because there's still more than meets the eye here. Perhaps it's nice to enjoy mom's home-cooking; and I'm hoping in exchange, he's keeping the house in good-repair. Mowing the lawn, as well as keeping up general-maintenance.
Nothing wrong with living at home at 50, if it's to your parents' advantage. If you're being a burden, and/or in so much debt that you have to move home at that age; I would consider it a red-flag.
If he moved home to take care of mama, that's good. If he moved home because he's broke. Take a pass!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2020): I think that the reason why is important.
Is he a mama boy? Is he having money issues? Does his mom have health issues that she needs help with? Does he have medical issues that he needs help with?
So I think that the reason why is important.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2020): Red flags.He lives in a garage.He cannot make it on his own at 50.He still needs mommy and daddy to help.Do you want to fully support someone?If you stay with him that is what will happen.Maybe he cannot afford his own place because of a drinking....drug or gambling problem.I say run do not walk away from this man.There is a reason he lives in a garage.If he was a stable person he would have a home.Maybe mental illness also...people hide that alot.Get a real man let this man child go.Do not support this mooch.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 April 2020):
 I see it differently from the anon poster. To me , yes, it would be a problem, and it would be a red flag.
Yes, to me a middle aged guy who has a full time job and is not disabled, must have a place of his own.
Everybody gets knocked down in life at some point, emotionally and / or financially… but then we must get up again. This guy divorced 15 ( ! ) years ago. His other relationship too, I guess it ended not last month , but several years ago. And, anyway, generally the loss of a relationship is not an excuse to go live like a bum, or a teenager. One can take a break from romance, or from anything else , even living as a regular grown up man.
If it were just for the company, he would have gone to share his mother's living place, not just her garage. And as for saving money, ...personally I don't even like that he can save money OFF his mother's back- the garage is hers, if she does not use it, she could always rent it out.
Of course I am not saying that this man must be a bad person or a criminal, just… be careful and don't put your hopes too high , if what you are aiming to is a committed relationship and a condivided future. I think this middle aged man is still too in "college student " mode to want that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2020): It depends. I personally do not think it is a problem. He needed to take a break from romance after his marriage and relationship ended. He was probably quite lonely. I think it is a good sign that he enjoys his mother's company. I am guessing if he started a relationship now, he would be willing to move. I am assuming the reason he lived with her isn't really financial. I think it is more a company thing.
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