A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently started seeing a man somewhat older than me. So far, I find him wonderful! We enjoy each others company, we share the same values and ideals, we are both happily independent. He is an absolute gentleman, very well read, and very attractive. The best part is, he respects my boundaries and has not rushed me into anything I'm not comfortable with. We both come from a rough past and consider sobriety and faith of high priority. The other night, we were discussing where our relationship was heading. He told me there was something I needed to know before we went any further. Four years ago, he was convicted and sent to federal prison for possession of pornography depicting underage girls (not what I would consider "children", but not legal either.) He is a registered sex offender. He has been out of prison for just over a year and will be on parole for the next two.Because of my experience in recovery and my own reform, I don't judge him and I choose to focus on the person he is now. I know what it feels like to be judged by the negative things I've done rather than the positive things I am doing. However, this is a situation I can't really relate to. I want to be supportive of him, but I don't really know how to approach the situation. Are there support groups or forums for this sort of thing? I don't want to disregard this relationship out of fear or misunderstanding. So far, this is the healthiest and most positive relationship I've ever been in. If it weren't for forgiveness and grace, I would not be here today. I just want to have a better idea of what I'm getting into.Anonymous
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): Judge him. It's easy for people to be nice when they want something from you. You can't trust a person until you really know them. Time will tell whether he just made a mistake or has a serious sexual problem. Be very careful with this guy.God Bless You!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): If you plan to have children I would think twice before getting too involved. Not to judge but to be wise, the fact you are only 20 yrs old suggest the desire for young blood is still in his veins... sigh, I wish you the best of luck with your recovery, you do NOT need to settle for anything less than what you are looking for in life.
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A
female
reader, TT  +, writes (10 April 2008):
 I really think that the fact you took time to ask this question clearly shows your doubts.
I now nothing about sex offenders, or reform for that matter....but i do know that if you have a doubt it your head, then i very much doubt this is a good idea.
I don't think you'll ever be able to rest your head of the situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): I certainly appreciate everyone's insight. I have been discussing this situation with my counselor and my sponsor (as I mentioned, I'm in recovery from addiction), as a way to get some perspective.
I have investigated the registry, and what he has told me is in conjunction with the actual charges. I still have some questions for him, because I would like to be as informed as possible so I can approach this maturely.
I neglected to point out that I am 20, not a minor. I realized this morning that might not be clear.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (9 April 2008):
 Let no man judge him .
He has already paid for his crime.
What you do is decent and exemplary.
Think positive .
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 April 2008):
 3 years in the joint and 3 years probation, he was obviously convicted of a VERY serious crime. You are right, you have no idea what you are getting into. Your experience with the negative judging of your actions is no way similar with judging his actions as a pedophile. Usually I'm a firm believer that felons should be welcomed back into society after they have done their time but pedophiles are totally different. Like leopards they don't change their spots, they just learn how to conceal them. We, as a society, have learned this lesson the hard way. The fact that he is "somewhat" older than you is very distressing. My advice to you is to keep this on a friendship basis only. I don't think your future looks very bright with an albatross, as big as he is, around your neck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): I wish to thank you and applaud you for not judging this man too harshly right away! EVERY MAN/WOMAN deserves a second chance in life. Keep in mind what he has done and tread carefully and cautiously.
Every person on the US or state sexually offenders list...DOES NOT BELONG ON IT!!!!
And federal crimes are not stepped down to win a conviction!
Possession of ANY pornographic material is reason for imprisonment here in the United States....even one (1)lousy picture. A man can go to prison for possession of lousy $5.00 counterfeit bill or with driving without a license on ANY federal parkway (first offense).
Check the registry and ask him if he would elaborate on this charge. If he is telling the truth...then by all means
give the man a chance!
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A
female
reader, joana20  +, writes (9 April 2008):
I think you should be careful about this situation...I know you don't want to judge him, and he was honest in telling you his story. But be careful!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): I would not get involved with this guy if I were you. Being in prison and a sex offender, that is a BIG deal! Whatever you are getting yourself into cannot be good.
But you say that you have been through your own bad experiences and perhaps you feel like he is the best that you deserve. I know that feeling because I have been there. I have had low self esteem and perhaps low self worth and have been with guys and tolerated situations that I shouldn't have, all because looking back at my own traumas and the worth that I put on myself made me think that someone with lots of problems himself was the best I deserved. When you have a low self esteem its so easy to make your own life seem so bad and see it being comparable to someone else's life which is way worse. But you can't see it cause you have such a low self esteem.
But you got to ask yourself, are your bad experiences really comparable to his? I mean have you been in prison? Are you on parole as well? Are you a sex offender? If you had been any of these things then it would be understandable that you both could gain from having a relationship with each other in helping each other get through the same issues. Otherwise, its kind of weird that you think you can relate to this guy. These are very big things that he's been through and everyone has problems but not like that.
If I were you I would work on my self confidence and definitely stay away from this guy.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (9 April 2008):
Hi,
Well first of all congratulations for not screaming and running away. The registered sex offenders list in both the UK and the USA is a very blunt instrument that does not distinguish much between different types of offences.
Secondly, he is clearly taken with you or he would not have told you, however be careful. Offenders do tend to "play down" the seriousness of their offences so check him pout yourself and find out if what really happened is consistent with what he has told you. If it is not, then you know you cannot trust his honesty, but if it is then at least you have somewhere to start.
Third, there are support groups for the families of people like him and you should be able to track them down. Talk to women who have had to deal with this sort of thing themselves. Be very careful NOT to wear rose coloured glasses about this. It is important that you see things how they really are and please please do not get caught in the trap of rationalising things to make them fit some alternative.
It is possible that it can work, though I must be honest and say that the odds are against you. Given your own young age it is probably more important than for most that you wait, for years if possible, as you will gain in maturity and understanding and he will have the opportunity to prove himself.
Usually when I talk to people who are involved in a relationship with a large age difference I tend to say that the age difference itself should not matter but the age of the younger person does. However in this case it is a bit different. Your young age may actually be contributing to his problem and as you grow older he may lose interest. I hope not for your sake but it is a real possibility. You have to remember that extremes of pornography such as his are an addiction. He will never not be an addict, but he can manage it. Talk to his parole officer. They will be restricted as to what they can say but they will know of support groups as well and their job is all about helping him to re-integrate and not re-offend.
Lastly, please be aware that his problem is one with a very high rate of re-offence. If all this makes you reconsider, then I make no apologies because if you were my daughter I would caution against it.
Do be careful and feel free to ask more questions.
All the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): Everyone deserves a second chance. And if he is trully remorseful, and trully feels the horror of the things he supported by those pictures, then I say let the past stay there.
Just be on your guard if things do go bad, thats all I can advise you.
Flynn 24
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