A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all.Here’s the problem please can anyone give advice?I’m talking to a guy online for maybe 8 months, not online romantic relationship because he was with someone else but we just talked as friends. Then they split, and after a while, we make meeting up plans. We live far, maybe 3 hr.We meet and have brilliant day, but parted with kiss on cheek only. The same night, he said he was coming to see me again and we made more plans for another time. It wasn’t a ‘named’ relationship but I assume that he felt same way as me.So I look at his face book 2 days before we were meant to meet again (last weekend) and see picture of him with his arm around 2 girls and said he’s spent weekend with these girls. I confront him on e-mail and he said he had had sex with one of the girls but that because we were not in a definite relationship, he assumed that was ok. But I am devastated. He has apologised but I don’t think I am being unreasonable. I refuse to speak with him since he tell me what happened and I tell him it’s over. I miss him, but I can’t think of what else to do or to say.I’m grateful for thoughts, please. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (3 September 2010):
 You seem to be a very nice guy,yet you are making one mistake.
You do not expand YOURSELF. SOunds weird,right? What i mean by this is that you've settled for who you are,and you dont seem to want to improve yourself on a basis of confidence or hobbies.Why dont you try to build your confidence up? and you said you are not interested in dance lessons or theatre but what i think is that ur being insecure,that u wont fit in,and everyone is going to make fun of you. What is the first step to all of this? Excersise. Start going to the gym,you dont have to lose too much weight,but it will make you fell good.Get a female friend to help you go shopping and get some new clothes and shoes.Now,about the shoes..get allstarts! it gives a younger feel. I'm telling you all this because my uncle is 41 and I am helping with his dating scene. When he first started,he had pics of his mom and his cat on his profile.I helped him take "professional" pictures of himself,and now we are working on his style.Women do not want to be with men who have given up on life. FORCE YOURSELF TO FIND AT LEAST TWO HOBBIES. you will be very suprised at the way your life will change. I know it's not easy. Sitting on the computer is much more comfortable.Hey,I am doing it now! I'm wearing glasses and my hair looks a mess.Yeah I need to make some effort to wear my contacts,do my hair,dress nicely and get out in the real world.But it will pay off won't it? I guarantee you it does.
you gotta get to a point where you won't have enough time to sleep. You need to get ACTIVE.
A
male
reader, MixedPrime +, writes (3 September 2010):
Take it from a guy, if he was in a relationship with another girl, and flirting with you. Then he will probably do it again. (almost guranteed). And a little secret, for a guy flirting ranges from a smile to a great night. Also apologizes are like silver and gold... Easy to sell and readily accepted, yet not always genuine. Just make sure its genuine. Should you be upset, well in principle yes, but should have seen it coming. My advice is take it in stride, he may really desire to be serious with you. Yet, dont expect the level of commitment you want right off the cuff. Wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 September 2010):
 There's no right or wrong here, it just all comes from having different expectations. You assumed he felt the same way you did... but assuming is always a dangerous exercise and it may lead to disappointments.
You and this guy met once, went along and parted with a kiss on the cheek. I am sure he had a great time, and did not mean to dceive you- but probably he is sort of "shopping around " and did not feel, at this early stage of your acquaintance, that he had any particular obligation toward you ,and surely not an obligation to be physically faithful !
Then again, I understand you may feel disappointed , and
maybe also used and deceived. Many girls do not really like "shopping around " or "playing the field " or even just waiting and see what happens. If they fancy someone,-they want a relationship with that someone, and they are quick to give the man their seal of approval,even without really knowing him.
You felt he liked you,- so now you feel betrayed . If he liked you, why is he hyanging out ( and more ) with other girls ?...
The truth probably is that yes, he liked you but ( and you can't blame him for that ) not overwhelmingly, not in a "love at first sight " kind of way- not in a way that would make him stop checking up what's out there and see if there is someone equally or more likeable.
Annoying,-but very normal.
What do you do now : That's up to you , your personality, and your expectations, most of all. You might choose to give him the chance to get to know you better and warm up to you-leaving him on long leash until he chooses you.
But,only if you are both interested enough and self confident enough to not get anxious and resentful in the meantime.
Or, you may want to wait for a guy who likes you , and only you, and is ready for a one-on-one relationship. In this case too, though- never assume anything. Be open about your wants and needs- but do not expect and assume that they are also the other person's wants and needs.
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A
female
reader, jodie-alice-x  +, writes (3 September 2010):
 If you weren't in a definite relationship it of course isn't cheating. Of course, you we're hurt because you had feelings for this guy. But I don't think that you should throw away your 'friendship' for him sleeping with someone else when he didn't even know he was supposed to be with you. Make up with him, life's too short to dwell sweetheart.
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