A
male
age
30-35,
*ctiveplay
writes:I lost someone dear to me. My girlfriend. I messed up and she saw where I had flirted with other girls on facebook. I lied and said it wasn't me. The truth came out. We broke up, and exchanged violent words. Man have I messed up! I want her, so bad that I would travel to the top of mount everest just to tell the world how bad I want her back. She blocked me on facebook, and I created an account just so I could message her and tell her sorry. She didn't reply, but I saw that she unblocked me. So I have sent her another long message, explaining how I have messed up. I have nightmares at night, thats how bad I need her back! Now I am sitting here, waiting for a stupid facebook message to come through, with the simplest thing as "screw off" as the message. Will you guys PLEASE tell me how to turn this around. I haven't felt this way over a girl yet. I might just be a dreamer, but it's not complete without this girl.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 March 2012):
 Yeah, Cindy you said it better than I did!
With respect, I didn't post to "have a go" with the OP, hurtbutstronger, and I didn't have any malice towards him when I wrote what I wrote. I wasn't trying to kick him while he's down. However, you know and I know that it's easy to feel remorse for what happened, but the way the OP was going at it, the underlying issue wasn't being addressed.
He was flirting with other women on Facebook behind his girlfriend's back. When she caught him, she broke up with him, and now, understandably, his one goal is to get her back.
The problem with that approach is that he'll say or do anything to get her to come back to him, but he won't address the problem. This is why so many of us advise women not to take back boyfriends who stray on them, because the issue is still there, and 90% of the time, they'll get hurt again when he strays again.
My point, which again Cindy made far better than I did, is that the focus now shouldn't be on simply trying to get her back, but to do some serious soul searching, to fix that thing that made him lie to his girlfriend, cheat on her by flirting and most likely sexting with others, and more importantly to stop using "violent" words. This means that he must devote himself to becoming a more mature and better man, or else if she takes him back, he'll hurt her again when the dust settles and the "crisis" has passed.
It also bothered me that he was sitting behind his screen waiting for HER to talk to him. If they were boyfriend/girlfriend, why not face to face? He knows her number, he knows where she lives. Again, it's not wanting to face the consequences of where his actions have taken him.
It's NOT about the "deep gesture". The "deep gesture" in itself is simply a disingenuous band-aid with a selfish design. It's about taking your soul apart, finding and scrubbing out the corrosion, and coming out of it a better person so that he won't hurt anyone else like this.
I was direct because he's young enough, hopefully, to change his ways before they get set.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): I'm sorry but you can't really do anything at this point. You had many opportunities to turn this around but you didn't. Such as:
- by not flirting with other girls
- by not lying about it when she found out
- by not saying "violent words" to her when she left you
after all these things that you did to her, I don't see how there is anything you can say or do now to magically turn this situation around. you just have to accept the consequences of your actions.
the best you can hope for is
1. that she is stupid or weak and comes back to you despite how you treated her
2. after a long time passes (maybe months, maybe years, who knows) her hurt will have subsided and she will be willing to give you another chance if she's not already with someone else by then
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (26 March 2012):
 Climb Mount Everest, take a photo at the top of yourself and an "I'm Sorry" sign.
Or alternatively just let her cool off for a while... and stay off facebook.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2012): I actually had something kin to your situation OP but I was on the other side or in you GFs shoes.
Said man is 38 btw. So stupidity and inflated ego has no age restrictions. ;)
My Ex Fiance was one of those people that believed since he was putting on a front and lying about who he was- I was too and pretty much everyone else on the planet was.
So he rationalized alot of poor judgements, poor actions , poor behaviours, and selfish lazy thought processing due to this way of thinking he owned.
Accountability and humility are very valued characteristics to own.
And owning such a poor view of the world and others and being self motivated; pursing things and people for the sake of your pleasure and happiness means you will be void of accountability, humility AND INTEGRITY. And Love is not built upon selfishness.
Words are nice and all but they don't amount to SNOT if you don't have the ACTIONS to back them.
What your actions have shown your Ex GF is that one, you do not know what REAL, GENUINE LOVE IS, as you flirted with others.
Your words of love to her and being nice to her when she was around proved false by your actions away from her. If you were a trust worthy, loving, honest, reliable man capapble of genuine love- you would have no need, desire, motivations to be flirting with other young women.
Then instead of being ACCOUNTABLE, you chose to lie for selfish reasons of what? Keeping her because you love her?
Agreed that would have been the time to own up to what you had done and humbled yourself to say I did do those things and sorry. What can I do to make things right?
Because a sorry doesn't cut it. Anyone can say sorry and be sorry but MAKING RIGHT WRONGS is what is truly needed for REAL forgiveness to occur.
You showed you lacked good judgement even on that by chosing to lie AND currently spewing out pretty words AKA empty words.
Agreed you need to figure out what actions can be done from this point on to demonstrate the seriousness of love you have for her and deleted Facebook is an Excellent example as it rids you of the device that aided you in your betrayal of the love, friendship, and trust you and GF thought you had. ;)
Its a START. So again, think of other things you can and WILL DO to make right the wrong and you'll hopefully gain in wisdom over this mistake and will rebuild and strengthen your love and commitment to one another.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 March 2012):
 @Hurtbutstronger : YouWish does not need a paladin to defend her, she's perfectly capable to stand her ground on her own, but , since I would have said the very same exact words , I want to say : YouWish GAVE advice. Her advice is a ) that when you have issues with someone, you have to face the person IRL ,b ) that probably the OP might spare himself this last ditch effort, because very possibly he has blown it beyond repair.
Nice and all, saying " sorry " after breaking trust and crossing boundaries, and climbing Mount Everest to show you care. But most people does not want apologies and out-of-this-world, epic gestures, they simply want sincerity and respect.
Don't get me wrong, OP, I hope she forgives you and takes you back, on the other hand if she does not ,she would be quite right in not trusting your mountain-climbing " love ".
Let's talk about this " love " actually. You flirt with other girls; when you get caught, you lie in her face . The truth comes out, and then, rather than eating humble pie ( THEN would have been the right time for apologies ! ) it ends up in violent words. If this is love, it's a very immature, ego-tainted kind of love.
If I say this, it is ,believe me ,not for the fun of " having a go " to a lovelorn young man that I don't even know, but in fact to give you a precious advice : always KEEP IT REAL. Love is what you DO normally in your everyday life- without any need for extravagant,occasional gestures and declarations. If you can't handle properly the normal day -to-day stuff ( not cheating, not telling lies, not stroking your ego at the expenses of the other person ... ) your concept of love is just a juvenile romantic fantasy.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 March 2012):
Right! Why not face to face???? And, why on earth were you flirting with other women on Facebook anyways?!? I wouldn't trust what you said either and would have a really hard time taking you back.
What reassurance does she have that you don't do it again? If you loved her this much, you didn't show it.
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (26 March 2012):
 She's obviously not into forgiving you right now.
There's pretty much nothing you can do, but tell her directly to her face that she is the woman for you.
Other than that, its a hopeless thing unless she chooses to allow you back into her life.
You broke her trust.
This is a good lesson for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 March 2012):
 Get off your bum and talk to her face to face.
And I agree with Yos, maybe if you try his idea of doing something amazing she will reconsider, but don't bet on it.
Also delete your FB and learn from this. If you do something like flirting with other girls sooner or later it will come out, so think before you act, and if you don't think and do something stupid, OWN your actions.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (26 March 2012):
 What a mess. All I can suggest is:
- delete your Facebook account, at least for a good while
- see her face to face!
- do something amazing to show her how sorry you are and how much you love her. Something real and physical that takes great effort on your part. And no I'm not going to give you a suggestion, this needs to come from you.
- accept that even with this you may well have blown it. Learn from your mistake.
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