A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 18 and going to be turning 19 in 3 weeks. I have a boyfriend who I have been with for 5 years and he is turning 20 in 2 months. He was the person I lost my virginity to and we have only slept with each other. I started taking the pill as soon as I became sexually active as I did not want to rely on him to use condoms. (The times we had sex when I wasn't on the pill, we did use condoms and we have never risked it and had unprotected sex). Well I was have symptoms of pregnancy such as tender breasts, feeling exhausted and feeling sick with a really dull backache. I took a pregnancy test to reassure myself and it came back positive although it was very faint. I was shocked and did 2 more tests the following days which all showed another faint line that was darker than the first. I told my boyfriend who was shocked as well. The week later I got a huge cramp and there was brown discharge in my pants. My mum says it happened to her and is probably implantation bleeding. I was so worried that I may have miscarried and I took another test and it was negative.If I have miscarried then I know I will want to try for a baby. I want to be a mum so much and the thought of losing our baby is making me ill :(I would like to add we both work and get a decent wage. My boyfriend is on 27 grand a year and although we both still live at home we could afford to move out and rent if i was pregnant however we did want to save for a few years to get a deposit for a house.My boyfriend was dead excited as well after the initial shock and I told him if I have lost it that I know I will want to try for one but he said it will be better for us to wait. I know in my head that that is the right thing to do however my heart is saying different.I'm scared that me miscarrying is going to destroy my relationship because I'm ready now and I've already started preparing myself for the baby. I just need some support really.P.s I wouldn't dream of bringing a baby into the world if we both didn't want it and I also took the pill correctly everyday and have never missed one.
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breasts, condom, discharge, lost my virginity, pregnancy test, symptoms of pregnancy, the pill, unprotected sex, want a baby Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (13 September 2012):
If waiting to have a baby is going to "destroy" your relationship, then this is really a relationship that should not produce a baby....
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 September 2012):
Thanks for your follow-up, OP. It's great that you have such a supportive family and that both you and your bf have jobs that pay well. I really second TasteofIndia's advice about seeking out a doctor and confirming whether you truly had a miscarriage. Because if you didn't you're making yourself miserable over something that never happened.
Also, at that stage, you didn't lose a living, breathing child that had a shot at living on this earth; you lost a clump of cells. I know it sounds harsh, but it is true when you think about it. If you hadn't had the pregnancy test (which by your own accord was a very faint result) you wouldn't even have noticed.
During my period I sometimes feel the way you describe your pregnancy symptoms. It doesn't have to mean anything, so please don't blow it up into a huge deal in your head. In any case seek out a doctor to confirm.
Also make sure that if he does confirm you were pregnant, that you get a better pill.
As for the baby, I get you have the desire, but years pass quickly, why not save up together, so that when you do decide to take the big step, you can live comfortably? Why not figure out what you truly want to do with your life first? You have the rest of your life to devote to a child.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (13 September 2012):
 All the Aunts and Uncles are right on. I just wanted to throw in that you really need to get to a doctor. Those pee on a stick tests aren't the most reliable. You should go to your doctor just to make sure you're doing alright and that you're healthy and really did miscarry. Then talk about your birth control and why this happened in the first place.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 September 2012):
 Once you become a parent you'll always be a parent. You won't get a second chance to make those preparations again. So my advice is to wait until you've accomplished more things on your own, saved money and have established yourselves and BOTH of you want it.
Those of us who have kids love our children dearly, but alone time is precious and very hard to come by. Cherish it and make the most of yours while you still have it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2012): This is the original poster (OP)I would like to add that the 27 grand is in English pounds. I also work and from this I earn £10,000 and do a small job in the evening which I get £6,000 from. If I quit my job in the daytime and keep the evening job that I do from home we will have a combined salary of £33,000. This is more than enough to raise a family. If we buy furniture, cot, prams, swings, bouncers and everything brand new then this will cost around £5,000. I would be able to look after the baby in the daytime and continue with my job in the evening as I have extremely supportive parents and his parents are the same (his mum doesn't work and is free all day). We don't have to pay college fees or medical fees as we have the NHS and this is one of the things we pay National Insurance for. We have both travelled together and I have been to school and college and got my results this summer. (ABB) I don't want to go on to uni as I'm not entirely sure as to what career I want to go down and I have a good job.I understand we are young and we need to live but we were both so excited and I feel so hopeless now I've miscarried. I will in no way pressure him. I love him and if waiting is what he wants to do then we will wait. I just needed support on how to deal with the loss.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 September 2012):
Hmm I didn't word that last part well. What I meant was that the decision to try for a baby should NOT be made by just 1 person in a committed relationship. Both parents need to agree and be ready for it. So basically, if your boyfriend does not want a baby, you shouldn't try to have it. At least, not with him. But you seem to realize this, which I give you props for.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 September 2012):
You sound sensible enough, OP. However, don't mistake the feeling of loss after this as a sign of you being ready for a baby. Hormones play a huge role. That's not necessarily your heart speaking. You're 18 and though legally an adult, you really have to ask yourself if you want to tie yourself down like this.
A child sounds like fun, but it's basically two decades of unwavering, full commitment. Do you truly have an idea what an amount of time that is since you haven't even reached 20 yourself?
Having a child means that life as you know it right now, is over. Visiting friends whenever you want? Isn't possible. Going to college? Forget it, unless you're going to dump the responsibility onto your parents. Traveling? Won't be possible for at least a few years. Getting a nice full night of sleep? Say goodbye to that for quite some time. You won't be able to work fulltime either if you want to build a bond with your child.
Most young parents drastically underestimate the impact a baby has on their life. You have not lived independently yet, and even though on paper it seems like you can, reality often disappoints. You pay rent, taxes, gas, water, electricity, health bills, food, baby clothes, baby food, diapers, etc. etc. etc.
What are you going to do when one of you loses a job? What are you going to do if you are faced with unforeseen costs? Having a child costs a lot. You end up paying for things you won't even have imagined. Being ready for a child and starting a family means anticipating that and having back-up plans that don't just involve falling back on your own parents. What are you going to do when the unthinkable happens: you and your boyfriend break up? These are all things you need to anticipate, even if they never end up happening.
You haven't really begun to experience life for yourself and already you want to bring a new child into this world? Your boyfriend is right to want to wait. There is so much more out there to experience that you'll deny yourself if you have a child right now.
Having children is a wonderful experience--at the right time. The right time means truly being independent and both of you being ready to being fully committed parents. That is, if you want the best future for your child.
I'm very glad though that you are considerate of your boyfriend and aren't one of those selfish people who stop taking the pill and lie about it to get what they want. A baby isn't something one person should have the final say in. I'm glad you realizing that.
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A
female
reader, lmao1989 +, writes (13 September 2012):
 If you did take the pill as religiously as you've said i suggest you talk to your local GP and find out whether the pill wasn't as effective on you because different contraceptives work differently on different people.You will need to find out whether you did miscarry so you can set your mind at ease.As long as you and your boyfriend are happy to start a family and know you are able to support it then go ahead and try but make sure it is what you both really want because babies are very expensive I appreciate your boyfriend has a decent wage and yourself maybe for now really think about what it is you guys want to do if you do want to move out and think of having a child and you've both discussed it and feel you can do it then do it.Just ensure you and your boyfriend are strong enough to hold a baby within the relationship and ensure you both shower it with all the love you share.Maybe at first still live at home as it'll be more easier with money. I hope this all works out for you!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 September 2012):
If you are on the pill and taking it properly and still got pregnant you need to talk to your doctor ASAP about other methods of BC.
did you take antibiotics or antacids at any time in the month prior to getting pregnant?
The first thing you must do is get on some reliable birth control... while unplanned babies can be blessings and are often not mistakes but only unplanned... at such a young age I think it's better that you wait till you are more settled.
You and your boyfriend are quite young and although you have been with him since you were 13, I can tell you that you are far from being done maturing… what I wanted at 21 when I married my first husband was so NOT what I wanted at 29 when we separated and finally divorced. I’m not saying your boyfriend is not YOUR special one… my mom married my dad at 19… and they lived pretty much happily ever after till her death… but in this day and age, it’s not as common…
I had a miscarriage in college but I had NO clue it was a miss until nearly 10 years later when I spoke to a doctor about it (as I was having a second miscarriage)
50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage… or so I’ve heard.. and without the home pregnancy kits available now.. many women did not know they were suffering the loss… they just thought their period was late and heavy (like I did)….
Your boyfriend makes 27 grand a year… here in the states that’s not enough to support ONE person much less a family… do you have any clue what it costs to have a baby in the first year alone? I ran some numbers for you here: http://www.babycenter.com/baby-cost-calculator
Since at 19 I doubt you can earn enough to cover the cost of daycare I said you would not be paying for daycare….
I said you would use cloth diapers that you launder yourself and no wipes.. that is 19 per month not including the cost of the diapers…
Let’s say you breast feed totally and then add solid foods at 6 months
So for that you would spend a mere 2, 226 dollars (American)
IF we do daycare, (low end daycare is 316 per month) disposable diapers and wipes, formula, minimal clothing, no college savings minimal toys, books and sundry items, it jumps up to 5,628 dollars a year… just for diapers and food…
Now we add in the one time expenses of infant car seat, stroller, convertible car seat for when the baby can sit up, diaper bag, play yard (nice for travel) a swing (a godsend for me with my kids) crib, changing table, etc… taking out things like professional photographs, special baby wash cloths and towels… etc… still the FIRST YEAR alone at minimal costs is 7500 dollars.
Now you will not be working so Boyfriend’s 27k has to cover
An apartment
Transportation
Food
Medical
Entertainment
Etc..
Can his 27k cover it now?
basically MY SUPPORT is that your hormones are out of whack and I am inserting a dose of reality into your life.
YOU can't AFFORD a BABY on 27K a year.
I strongly suggest you go see your gyn and figure out why the pill failed.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 September 2012):
 Your BF isn't ready. I don't think it would be fair to "force" a child on him, when he's already told you he isn't ready for it.
The thing is with a pregnancy and miscarriage, you had a surge of hormones like never before which could be why you feel a little bit "irrational" in wanting a child no matter what.
Do you work, go to school? Do you have ANY dreams or goals in your life for YOU? (and I don't mean being a mom) You are still so young, please LIVE life a little, travel, get a good education, have a go at a carrier before adding a child.
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