A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had a boyfriend that I loved so much we were together for 6 years and I gave him my virginity. I was young but I loved him so, but he use to be so controlling and very very jealous, that even though it broke my heart I broke up him. There was not a day I didn't miss him but I learned to live without him. I met someone else a year later and I married him. He is nice sweet, the best husband ever and an excellent father, the thing is he is not him. He doesn't have all my heart and even though I care for him I can truly say he is not the love of my life. I'm still inlove with my ex and I have been married for 15 years I wonder did I make a mistake in marrying someone I truly didn't love. I hate myself for always thinking on my ex when I have an excellent husband at home. I will never search for my ex but wonder was I being unfair in marrying my husband just because he was different.
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female
reader, Lyn_Yadke  +, writes (27 March 2011):
hi - you are not alone. Im in the EXACT same predic. I had a boyfriend that I loved so much we were together for 6 years and I gave him my virginity. I was young but I loved him so, he wasnt really into me in the beginning but then we had a great relationship yet for some reason I still always felt sad and thought there was someone else out there who would love me like nothing else rather than me love all the time.I met someone else who I felt that from and 5yrs later I married him. He is nice sweet, the best husband and an excellent father, the thing is he is not him. He doesn't have all my heart and even though I care for him I can truly say he is not the love of my life. I'm still inlove with my ex and I have been married for 3 years I wonder did I make a mistake in marrying someone I truly didn't love. I hate myself for always thinking on my ex when I have an excellent husband at home.hahaa i just copied and pasted yours because its exactly same for me.. My ex and I do talk every so often as frends, and its the highlight of my Life. How sad is that! The only thing that gets me through this terrible feeling is to be grateful. Im grateful but Im not happy with my life, because i know what it could have been and I have noone to blame but myself. So Im grateful for having a man who loves me unconditionally (exactly what I thought I always wanted). Anyway Im not sure what else we can do in this situation, marriage is forever really. All the best.
A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (1 March 2011):
As others have mentioned, you seem to be in love with the memory of him. I too had my first true love who I lost. I still think about her every day and it becomes really hard to continue on my current relationship when I think on her so much. But then I remind myself that what I'm missing, more than anything, is the wonderful times we used to have. I remember that the person that broke my heart was not the person I fell in love with; she changed somehow along the way and became obsessed with her career rather than love.Do I still miss her and want her? Absolutely, but I know that the person she is today is not someone I'd want to be with. She's become cold and has lost the childlike, free spirited heart she used to have. What I still love is her memory. Nothing more. You have to accept that this man is probably on to different things; things that may not be compatible with your life or interests. Your husband is the person you love right now. He's the one who is still a good father and husband, and though you won't have those same feelings, you need to know that the man you think you love is gone and the man who wants you forever is the man right in front of your eyes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): If you haven't had contact with your ex for these past 15 years, then I doubt you truly "miss" him or are in love with. You may very well be in love with a memory of him, in love of the memory of your youth, or perhaps you are obsessing over lost potential, but I don't believe you're in love with him...
People change in 15 years. You've changed. You're husbands probably changed. He's also probably changed. If you truly loved him once, then it makes sense you miss certain aspects about him and think on him. I feel that way about my exs and especially those who I am guilty about treating less than well. But I don't think you are acknowledging that you broke up with him for very legitimate reasons.
You can always go back and say "what if? what if?" in retrospect and romanticize your life as if it were the plot of some novel, but it's not. Even if you were with him today your life, it's not as if your life would be complete and it would be the "end of the story." You'd likely be thinking over "another one that got away" for whatever reason.
Why do you feel unfullfilled with your husband? That's a question worth asking....not "What if I ended up with this guy from 2 decades ago?" I just get the sense that this guy is fantasy you have to distract yourself from other issues in your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): I know I will never be with my ex ever again, but I could never fully get him out of my mind. When I met my husband he was nice and a very attentive man. He knew about my break up and he waited for me and little by little he won me over. When I agree to marry him I knew I wasn't totally inlove with him but I decided to think with my head and not with my heart. I thought about what my life would be like if I stayed with my ex. I loved my ex so much but he tried to control my every actions where I looked, whom I talked to, how I dressed. I decided to break up with him not because I didn't love him but because I just didn't want a life with a person that was so controlling. He had his qualities that made me feel special and that I loved but the defects he had were greater in my decision making.
I don't think I ever got over him and even though I married to the most wonderful person in the world I feel I'm cheating on him because my thoughts have always been on my ex. I will not leave my husband but I have to find a solution because I want to be committed to him and only him. I will not look for my ex because I always think with my head instead of my heart. See my mommy always told me don't marry who you love because your going to suffer always marry with whom loves you more because if your not fully inlove you can't really be hurt, but now I think that I might be hurting my husband because my heart has always been somewhere else.
Thank you so much for your advise and your kind words!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 March 2011):
 Here's the problem. You have romanticized your ex because the passage of time took the sting of what he did to you and minimized it. You've also hit a vulnerable point in your marriage (15 years) where you've let a little routine and boredom creep in. That's causing you to romanticize your youth and freedom and is making you question your love towards the guy you are still calling the best husband and father ever.You need to do two things here. First, you need to really concentrate on the bad points of your ex. Controlling and jealous? You love that over an excellent husband and father? Those qualities aren't exciting. They're toxic. Your ex would have sucked your dreams out of you and made you a hollow shell of the woman you were. You would have been depressed, spent, hurt, and devastated.Also, keep in mind that this ex isn't the same now as he was 15 years ago. You are in love with a memory, not the guy he is now. I've seen pictures of my exes and shudder and consider myself really fortunate that I have who I have in my life now. You were one of the smart, lucky ones who were able to break away from this toxic guy and then find yourself a real keeper. Don't go losing your head now in the 15th year!The second thing you need to do is re-kindle the excitement back into your marriage. So far, you've had kids, stress, you've seen him with his hair down, belching and all, and he's seen you the same. Time to dial it back up and take up a really exciting pasttime! Take that vacation you both have been putting off! Go out on the town! Go skiing in Aspen! Do something without the kids!If you leave your husband, I guarantee that it won't be 5 years later, and you'll be typing a post here telling us that you let go of the best thing that ever happened to you. You have to overcome your feelings of boredom and being in a rut, and some toxic ex isn't the answer for you. Memories are good. But visions of a fun future are far far more exciting.
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A
female
reader, Blonde68  +, writes (1 March 2011):
I personally don't think you were being unfair in marrying your husband because he was different. You obviously must have loved your husband to have married him, and of course to have lasted as long as you have.
I also think that deep down a lot of us have a certain someone whom from our past as left a lasting effect. It doesnt necessarily mean we want to be with them, but they have had an effect on us one way or another. Also, I think we can all be guilty of wondering, what if.... perhaps this is why you think of this other guy like you do... wondering what if you had worked things out and married him instead. But the truth is, you would probably be very unhappy with him since you mention he was jealous and controlling. I am a great believer in that things happen for a reason.... you werent meant to be with him. I sometimes think of my first love, we lasted 6 years but he was a bad boy, but the same as you, I sometimes think about him... then I realise he was not good for me.
Enjoy what you have if you can....its rare to find a gem of a man these days!
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (1 March 2011):
 No, you did not make a mistake in marrying a man that would make a good life partner. Nor did you make a mistake in breaking up with a man who smothered you with his love and controlled you with his jealousy.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that the relationship you had with your first love was not a healthy one. There was a destructive pattern at work. Even though you were a young woman, you recognized that and had the good sense not to marry him. Had you married your jealous, controlling, boyfriend you would be divorced today.
Your first love was able to create intense feelings of intimacy for you. When a marriage ages the passion and/or intimacy declines. Passionate love turns to compassionate love. This is normal. However, it is then that you yearn for the kind of closeness you had with your first love, but that kind of closeness has a high price tag, as you recognized when you were young.
Try to find a way to get the spark back in your marriage. You had passion for your husband once. You can get it back. Think about what it was that attracted you to him. Why did you want to spend more and more time with him? What kinds of activities did you enjoy together? What was it that brought you close?
If your attempts at rekindling the romance in your marriage do not work, you might try marriage counseling. Whatever you do, do not contact your first love.
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A
male
reader, free advice  +, writes (1 March 2011):
I think you should take some time and figure out what love is, and what made you love your ex at the first place? What did you not find on him that affected your love with him that you had to break up after all? What is keeping you from loving your husband besides he being nice as per your perspective?
The decision you took to marry a different person is apt on the situations you had gone through. Though you loved your ex, he is not the person you have on your mind. Some of his behavior made you dislike him and that dislike made you break up with him. That actually means that he was not the man you were looking for. Had you been with him, things might have got even worse. Whatever you expected from him, he does not have that quality. In life, you can't have most of the things you like and you won't like most of the things you have. You could understand your position only when you compare yourself inferior than you. You are lucky enough that you got a good husband who is well behaved and also a good father even though you had been someone else's girlfriend. You got the person you wanted. There is not need to feel guilty on this. Had your ex been so attracted to you, you must have known his whereabouts already and you would not have added the last sentence on your post. So just love your husband and children. Life is very short to make too many choices. Good luck.
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